i have been butchered!

i used to be butchphobic.

as a personal standard, i don't want to be involved with a butch.
i know that i won't be comfortable being seen in public with one.
and i don't like the macho image that they depict.
i said to myself, that id' rather be with a real guy
than settle for a 'feeling guy'.

but one 30-min chatting time in the mall while waiting for a friend,
i managed to receive a celphone number of one young butch.
not only that, we somehow have set a date to meet,
sans exchanging pics.

i have no fear then because i gave bogus info about myself.
and i doubt if the butch would follow-up with a text or call.

so i went through with the chit-chat with my friend.
but to my surprise, the butch texted.
not only that, she even gave her home number and wanted to talk.
ofcourse, being my butchphobic self, i did not give my home number.

i did call her though. i think i'm safe as long as we're not seen together.
besides it's just a phonecall.

the conversation was short and straight forward.
i don't even like her that much, and she's also not trying to win me over.

although i'm butchphobic, i have this idea of butches that they
are sweet talkers and pursues gurls.

but this butch, is neither sweet nor pursuing.
relaying info abt herself, she does it matter-of-factly.
so i don't know how to place myself, in this femme-butch dynamics we have.

come our meeting day.
i was confident that i'll be in control of the situation,
because firstly, im butchphobic, so that makes me immuned to the pambobola,

second, i don't have to be pagurl or pacute, because butches are
not my type, so there's no need for me to exert effort to win her over,

and third, well, i can always leave her anytime with the excuse
that i have to go back to the office to do OT work.

so temporarily throwing standards away, i went to the agreed
meeting place. i needed a break from my hellish work.

she was in the dark corner of the place smoking the time away.

i hesitantly approached her.
she stood up and i extended my hand.
she smiled.
i smiled.

she's not my stereotype butch because she's slim, tall, has a soft face, funny, and charming in a sweet way.

im thankful that she did most of the talking.
she seems so open, like an open window w/ cool breeze coming in.
she's such a refreshing sight.

while i just sat there amazed, arms across my chest.
defensive stance. i kinda feel so 'tuod'.

there was one incident where i think her hand touched hand or
shoulder, can't remember which. and on reflex, i placed my arms across my chest.
she just blurted, hey, im not gonna rape you.

i was that uptight, so you can imagine.

i was actually nervous to have finally met a butch.
she just shared her eb antics, exes, friends and stuff in between puffs.

i tried smoking too. but im more of a social smoker.
so i really can't catch up with her.

one defining moment that impressed me with her is this,
her views on homosexuality is so matured and parallel with how i perceive it.

as a butch, she thinks that she is no man trapped in a woman's body.
rather, she's a woman, period.
it just so happens that her 'personality' is boyish.
and that she falls inlove with the same gender.

she has no intention of comparing herself with a man, because
it is clear with her that she's not one.

i think she got me right there.
not through pambobola, pasweet, or being pawkela.

but largely, she had me just by thinking aloud.

and that's how i got butchered.


warla week

contagious ba ang pagkawarla?

ba't andami andaming taong kilala ko ang warla with their respective jowas?

wat's with this week?

nung monday, mega-advice pa lang ako sa ofcmate ko na warla with her bf,
akalain mo! gabi of dat same day, nampucha! away na rin kme ni gf!!!

syet! ano ba yang warla na yan? epidemic?!

'tangna naman oo! at shempre, pag inaway ka ng iyong other half,
bad trip ka na rin di ba?

so halos lahat ng tao sa paligid mo, wag lang magkakamaling kantiin ka
or asarin ka, dahil instant kaaway mo na sya pag nagkataon!

trickle down effect yan.

pati work mo damay.
hanggang sa walang kamalay-malay na keyboard, halos hampasin mo na sa pagtatype
ng mga walang kakwentang kwentang bagay, para lang may outlet ka sa seething anger.

at pag ganitong magkaaway kayo, ang sarap magrebelde!
as in lahat ng ayaw nya, ang sarap-sarap gawin.

ayaw nga magpagabi ka sa work?
pwes! OT ever ka.

ayaw nya nagyoyosi ka?
saka naman kating-kati throat mo na magbuga ng usok.

bawal makipag-inuman sa mga guys?
ikaw pa nangungunang magyaya ng toma.

at kahit anong kantyaw sa yo na, "uyyy! affected!",
deny to death ka naman.

as in ang reply mo, "dedma sa kanya",
"bahala sya sa buhay nya!"

kahit na deep inside ang gusto mong sabihin,
"tang-ina nya! ba't nde pa sya tumatawag or nagtetext man lang?!"
"gago yun ah! ayaw ako pansinin!"
with matching "waaaaah!!!!!!!"

hay, lecheng warla yan.

random thoughts:

wala (as in magwala)
wala (as in nothing)

away (tagalog)
away (english)