tired and tested

i'm so tired to a point of unhappiness. like it's all not worth it. my spinal column feels like crumbling and i don't even have osteoporosis.

so i learned today that caring is painful too. the nagging question remains, "is all the sacrifice worth it?"

i've been genetically developed to pay my blood with obligations, been breastfed with indebtedness, to which i rebelled against countless times. but here i am, killing myself to provide for the family that barely raised me.

why is a typical filipino life story always marred with sacrifice? why don't we find worth/heroism in just being?

i love my family. but i want to love myself too. why can't i have both?

i am a confetti now. torn, ripped in more than a hundred ways. so much that i think i don't know myself anymore.

i am a confetti that gives in to pressure, floats to where the wind commands me to, can be stomped on anytime.

i've been torn, ripped, beaten in more than a hundred ways. i am flat on my face, and i am tired.


Wanda on Coming Out

a hilarious clip of Wanda explaining why coming out was harder than being black. this cracked me up! i soo can relate to this even though am not yet out. i can actually visualize my mom with this type of hysterics and uneducated reasoning about gays. so i thank wanda for making coming out at least less frightening. it's different when you just imagine it as compared to seeing it in action. cheers to wonderful wanda! love na kita. =)

chanced upon this funny gem from a friend's post. enjoy! =)

Train Crush6

As usual, I slept in my train ride, not having enough sleep for weeks. Two stations away to my stop, I suddenly woke up, like some form of body clock. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes, is a black neck tie. Having just woken up, I got disoriented. Last thing I remember was I'm seated on the women's side of the train. What the?! Where am I?! Lifting my gaze higher to the face where the neck tie was attached to, was a comforting assurance that I'm still in the women's side (and they didn't go coed while I was drowsing). Hehe.

This made me smile. Some Japanese/Korean/Chinese school girl in neck tie. Just neat. =) Would have been more awesome if there's also a skimpy skirt, like the ones fashioned in Anime (c'mon, admit it, we all drool at Anime school girls, what with those micro-mini skirts they guise as school skirts?! :D) but nice still. My bonus is that there's a peep of black bra underneath the shirt. The tease is enough to make me fully awake (imagining school girl erotica, getting whipped by a black neck tie, or tied to the bed by it or even blindfolded by it, whew! possibilites are endless!) in time for my stop. I hurriedly took her pic and left, wishing to some Japanese/Korean/Chinese deity that she'd be in the same stop too. I looked back and didn't see her in the throng of ugliness. maybe next time.

note: with all due respect to the cute school girl below, just want to be clear, the object of my fantasies is the neck tie (well, plus the underwear, and the skirt too), not the girl. i just used the incident as springboard to my imagination. hope she's not discomforted by this.



what is it with trains and women going bonkers? i mean the moment the doors open, the mad rush of people squeezing themselves in like it's Noah's ark to salvation. it truly feels that, do or die stance. all women, regardless of outfit, of age, of built, of educational attainment, of height, all wrestle their right to be inside the train. no matter in what condition, be it contorted, disfigured, deformed, harassed, nabbed, just to be able to make it inside the train before the door closes. never mind if portion of their body or clothing is hanging outside the train (hair, arm, bag, etc) because only part of them got in. this is incredulous bordering funny. laugh or die. seriously.

i've witnessed it all. women's survival instinct in action, at its finest. of course the winners are those who are able to sit amid the stampede.

women garbed in work attires, in split second, transform to merciless amazons when a boarding train comes near. it's automatic craziness. hey, i like that imagery, a tribe of amazon women, mud-face painted, wearing flimsy jungle stuff that barely covers their well-toned, sweat-oiled bodies, armed with spears, sticks, knives and warfare skills, all in anticipation of the train. and when the train comes, all making sugod to the door that slowly opens, with eyes that shout "Attaaaaccckkkk!!!!!".

okay. i got carried away. haha. am your modern day amasona, and i proudly belong to that tribe. in fairness, never pa ko nadapa and i mostly am able to sit. hehe. so yeah, am your modern day mayabang na amasona. lol.


Bus crush?

i rarely ride the bus because i get dizzy with the frequent and sudden stops in bus rides. not to mention the risk of holdups and sitting beside snatchers.

but on this fateful hot afternoon day, when no cab is in sight and am running late for my dental appointment, i rode the bus. the ordinary bus ride turned extraordinary when a hot girl sat beside me.

muntik na kong mabulag sa pagkasilaw sa maputi at makinis na legs na yan. i thank heaven for the invention of indecently short shorts. pure genius! ansarap padaanan ng daliri, ng palad, at err, ng dila. hahaha! one to two inches further and abot na siguro ang langit. hay, ang init tuloy kahit aircon naman ang bus!

sana ako na lang ang naka-rolyong bond paper na nakaipit sa legs nya. haaayyyy. ineeeet!


dropped by to a mall on my way home. passed by a book store, scanned the book displayed outside. harry potter, twilight, a cook book, a knitting book, astrology, it's in her kiss, sports book. wait, did i see it right? went back and looked again. "it's in her kiss" with two young women as cover. hmmm... took a pic and googled it. i also checked wiki on lesbian writers and to my surprise, there's 277 in the list! wow! i will research further on this and post some more.

for now, let me just say that it's in her kiss that i

- have felt the animal kingdom (butterflies and more),
- have gone illegal (fireworks, explosions galore),
- defied gravity (floated on air)
- got feverish (believe me, it's smokin' hot!)
- transformed (from solid to liquid because i melted. cheesy! wehehe)

- believed magic (no tricks involved)

- and it's in her kiss that i got horny. lol!

good night to all! :)


Publisher Comments:
This fast-paced, outrageous new novel takes a look behind the scenes of a lesbian TV network, where there's more drama, comedy, and romance than prime time ever delivers.

C.J. Jansen, who works at a fledgling lesbian cable network run by her ex-lover, Debbe Lee, is attracted to Maria Hernandez, her top writer, and when Debbie takes credit for their work, C.J. and Maria conspire to take over the network.

more details here: Description



Train Crush4 & 5

because am catching up on blog posts (my apologies for that), i'm posting two train crushes! yey! :D

Train Crush #4 - mrt sighting
this is bringing sexy back ;) so puti and kinis (fair and smooth-looking) the legs. i like the fact that she's not too feminine, more like a sporty kind of cool gal. her cap and bag are of the same color, well coordinated. i've seen her face when she alighted and i have my memory as proof - totally cuteness! did i already tell you that cuteness is next to hotness? :D hihihi.

^^si ateng naka-checkered sumisilip.

^^si ateng naka-red naman naka-pose, parang gusto masama sa train crush list ko ah. hehe.

^^from nape to legs, yummy all over. kilig!

Train Crush #5 - Carla Abellana semblance
from sporty, we go to femmy! =) the afternoon heat was unbelievable at the time i was in the train. i was sweating all over and an ugly sight of haggardness. but this womyn in pink, was the embodiment of freshness. it was like pink roses suddenly bloomed and pink wind brushed my eyes. sigh. =) i felt that she noticed my shoots, so had to stop as i don't want to get her pink ire. hehe.

^^obviously, she's the only thing good in that side of the train. just look at the ordinary people surrounding her and you'll know what i mean.



You might now be convinced that this womyn is nuts. Three posts ago I was tired, the next post happy, then last post, sad. This post will remove all doubts left, because now, I'm feeling a tad better as if Tuesday didn’t even exist. Living the life a-la goldfish with semi-extended memory. Hehe.

Was really depressed that day. Maybe I'm just exhausted, frustrated, hurt. I took a cold bath, maybe that numbed my senses. Slept and woke up early for work (yep, my laundered outfit dried in time thanks to the incredibly hot weather and the electric fan). Lack of sleep is another sure way to dull the senses and go robotic. So am now kinda running on auto-pilot.

I planted my earphones and sprayed my ears with music to sustain me for the day. But it did more than that. It peeled my metal coat for the day and revealed emotion. Music always has that effect on me. I listened to John Mayer's "Daughters" and the emotion dared to throb. I feel stripped and vulnerable. Did I just remember that I wasn’t much loved as a child? Maybe… but I'll forget that soon, after a cold shower and another round of sleep deprivation. :)

by John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually changed
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]


totoo ba to?

hindi ko maramdaman. =(
ang hirap maging mahirap! badtrip. pagod ka na nga sa trabaho, pag-uwi mo, magtatrabaho pa uli, tapos hihingan ka ng pera. sinabi mong bukas na lang, kaso kailangan na daw at may babayaran. kaya kahit gabing gabi na, magbibihis ka uli para lumabas at magwithdraw ng perang yan.

habang sila, prenteng nanonood ng paborito nilang palabas sa tv at ang major concern ay kung ano mangyayari sa susunod na eksena ng pinapanood nila.

hindi ba ang sarap maghuramentado?

saan ba nakakabili ng pasensya? papakyawin ko na kasi kailangan ko ng marami nito. bibili na rin ako ng hiya, siguro mga sampung kilo. ipapamudmod ko sa mga tao sa bahay, baka kahit konti makaramdam sila nito.

at sana tamaan ng virus ng kasipagan ang mga kapatid ko para balang araw naman ay maisipan nilang kailangan din nilang kumilos at hindi puro asa.

sana Lord patigasin nyo pa braso ko kasi maglalaba pa ko ng susuotin ko bukas. at palakasin nyo po ang dibdib ko, kasi masamang masama ang loob ko ngayon. =(


something happyned

The other day, I was feeling utterly happy. I realized that I used to be scared of saying I'm happy. I often question myself for being brash enough to declare that I'm happy. It scared me. Parang may kokontra once I say it out. Here’s how I go schizo about it.

My happy self: I'm happy.
My doubtful self: Are you sure?

My happy self: I feel it.
My doubtful self: For now.

My happy self: Well yeah. I am happy now.
My doubtful self: Tell that to me again tomorrow or in a few hours.

My happy self: Should I stop feeling happy now because I'll be unhappy later?
My doubtful self: I'm just saying. Entirely up to you.

My happy self: I know. And it made me happy pause. :|
My doubtful self: See.

My happy self: But I truly am happy now. *smile slowly showing*
My doubtful self: Why?

My happy self: I don't know. I can't help it. I just feel it. *all smiles*
My doubtful self: Good for you then.

Weird huh? For that moment (twas morning on my way to work), I just relished with the frenzy that just sprung from nowhere. I also felt in love. Not particularly with someone, but with life. I love what I'm feeling, I'm inlove (with God knows what, but I don't care). I almost burst into a song/dance number then. It was hard to contain. Crazy me. It's like I can kiss everybody then (well not everybody, maybe just all the women of Makati. Hehe), hug someone tight and just stay that way till all the intensity and swirl in me wanes.

I said I'll document that moment in my life so that when I become sad or reflect back, I have proof that I once was happy and knows how it is to be happy.


I said I'll write tom, but I just want to spill now.


Just got home from a cousin's wedding. Everybody's asking when will I go next? As if it's some queue everyone has to pass thru. They had an AVP of the couple's history. And in my mind, my own history's playing, my childhood, till gf and I met and our happy "hidden" pictures. My happiness for the couple slowly got replaced by sadness as the reality of my not having my own wedding becomes clear. I'm picturing my homophobic clan on one side in the reception venue and my gay friends on the other, with my gay-friendly lot in between. I would most def wear a gown, my gf, am not sure yet. I'll mix it with purple. We'd look gorgeous. The mood will be festive, it will be fun, everybody will be game. Everyone will for once be open and accepting. We'll have wine and dancing and singing too.

This is the literal "dream" wedding. I said I was sad because my dream's chance is bleak for now. God I want to get married. If I can, I would in a heartbeat. But painfully I can't, not just yet. I look at my mom, my sisters and how they don’t have an inkling of my heart's longing, well at least not the way they're envisioning it for me. I can always reason, it's my life, my wedding. But I want my family to be there, happy for me, happy and at peace with my decision. Which they can't be as long as they wear their homophobia as second skin.

I'm tired. Family affairs are always tiresome, haggard even. More so if you're in a constant grind to try to wed love for family and love for who you are, personal freedom and family peace.I'm tired, but I'll continue trying.



was lucky because it was a breeze. line was short and efficient, we have our list, ballot was accepted on first try. now will monitor. :)

just to value how important this right is, read below the struggle of Filipinas in the right to suffrage.

Here is our herstory on voting:

Jan. 15, 1907
Our first election law was Act No. 1582 which took effect on Jan. 15, 1907. At that time, the right of suffrage was limited to male citizens 23 years of age or over with legal residence in the Philippines. Women were not allowed to vote for they were regarded as mere extension of the personality of their husbands or fathers, and that they were not fit to participate in the affairs of the government. (Chief Justice Reynato S. Puno, in his Separate Opinion in Macalintal v. Comelec, July 10, 2003).

Even our 1935 Constitution limited the right of suffrage to male citizens.

April 30, 1937
However, recognizing the strong call and clamor made by women’s groups at that time for equality between men and women in the exercise of the right of suffrage, the framers of the Constitution decided to leave the issue of women suffrage for the women to decide. Hence, a provision was included in the 1935 Constitution to extend the right of suffrage to Filipino women on condition that “not less than 300,000 women possessing the necessary qualifications shall vote affirmatively” in a plebiscite on the question of women suffrage.

Firm resolve
Inspired by and confident of the “unalterable righteousness” of their cause, these women of the ’30s made bold their commitment and showed their firm resolve to obtain the required number of votes that would pave the way for their participation in government affairs. They strongly argued that “women suffer penalties and are summoned before the courts of law” and are made “to pay taxes” under the laws which “they had no voice in making.” In unison, they made clear their point that “Taxation without representation is tyranny.”

Women Suffrage Day
And so on April 30, 1937, the date set for the said plebiscite, a total of 447,725 women cast their votes in favor of woman suffrage. And since then and up to the present, the dynamism and heroism of these 447,725 women have paved the way for Filipino women’s right to participate in public and political affairs and made known the existence of Women Power.

March 29, 1984
Former President Ferdinand E. Marcos issued Proclamation No. 2346 declaring April 30 of every year as “Woman Suffrage Day” to enable the Filipino women to “renew their advocacy and support for clean, honest and free elections and pursue with greater zeal their efforts towards this direction.”

source: Inquirer.net

- - - - - - - - - -

thanks to the

447,725 Filipinas of 1937!

i owe them the smudge on my index finger now.
sniff. sniff. =)



I already told you before that I live in a non-opulent neighborhood. Barefoot, half naked kids with snot on their face brim the streets, while the adults are playing bingo, tong-its, gossiping if not getting drunk, sniffing shabu or in a brawl exposing each clan's darkest secrets. I've seen my then playmates or used to be middle class neighbors (whom we look up to then as wow!) waste their life away. I'm so sick and tired of this scene that I just look ahead when I walk my way home. How do you break the cycle of poverty, at least in our forsaken community?

As I was taking a bath earlier, overhearing a mom spanking her child in between cursing the poor kid, an idea bubbled in my head. We've always said begin with the child while they're young. But then nobody closer to the child has more influence and power to the kid than the mother. What if we begin educating these ill-prepared mothers on how a mother should be? You know, like be caring, patient and simply be loving. No one would benefit the most than their children.

What if I can coach the mothers that it is not right to curse to their kid nor hurt them as a form of discipline? I'm a living testament to this because that's the way I've been "disciplined/raised".

That if they do well with their kids, they have far better chance of surviving from their quagmire. That whatever frustration they have with their good for nothing spouses, they can never go wrong if they protect and support their children.

I have no grand plans of running for local office, but I do want to reach out to the largely marginalized sectors of our community, the children (the very young ones) and the mothers. I'd like to talk to them and understand their pain. Our houses are divided by walls of indifference and callousness. I hear the muffled cries, the beatings and the acts of oppression. I'm amazed that I can still sleep amid that "noise".

I do help select kids in my neighborhood, those who really sweat it out and who inspire me with their will to survive. Here are two. :)

Boy1 was on his last year on college (degree on architecture) at a public school, Technological Institute of the Philippines (TIP). He has I think 7 siblings and he self supports himself. He walks his way to school (that's like the whole stretch from SM North to Megamall, if my estimate is correct). He doesn't eat in school and takes part time jobs. I gave him tuition for his summer class last year and also gave some financial support. He just graduated this year. Yey! :) I'm now inquiring on the cost of his board review because I think he has better employment chance if he's a licensed architect already. His older brother by the way, I'm proud to say, graduated from UP. A smart kid whom I coached in entering UP. He now works for Dept. of Education and will fly to Sweden next week for a two-week summit. Hoot! Hoot! :) I'm trying to teach that kid about finance management now.

A very sweet girl is our tenant (their family). She is a second child on a brood of four. She's already 10yrs old but only grade2 because she had to stop. She's in the top ten of her class, dutifully wakes up early to sweep the street front of their rented house, takes care of her younger brother and sister. She doesn’t go out to play as her playtime is used on making rags as extra income to the family. She's always polite, greets me good morning whenever she sees me, smiles a lot as if there's nothing wrong in her situation. Such a sunny, bright young girl. Last year, she was saving up to be able to attend their school's Christmas Party which costs P200 for each child. It's the contribution for the food, games, etc. She was only able to save P100. Thus I learned too late from my mom that she didn’t attend the party because of that. It broke my heart. Had I known sooner, I could have easily helped her. So on Christmas, bought her shoes and also her younger brother. This June, I'm planning surprise her and support her school needs this year. She's going to a nearby public school so it won't be that costly. I adore that young, optimistic girl.

Now, if only I can get to the mothers. Kids are more open and easy to be with. Mothers, with their jaded stance, cynical mood and killer instinct, I have apprehensions. But I will try, one mother at a time. Good luck to me! :) Happy Mother's Day! :)


i needed to get a hold of any person in our house so i can get my havaianas size (for a GC i won, need the size asap because they're ordering it already).

i changed the name of my sisters for secrecy :)
called house, mom answered.

me: ma, is apple there?
mom: nope, she went to the gym.
me: what about cherry?
mom: went with apple to the gym.
me: who else is in there? need to ask something urgent.
mom: peach and rowan.
me: ok, can i speak to peach please.
mom: she's sleeping

*in my mind: whaat?! you could have told me that at the start. geeez*

me: ohkaay. *me in slowmo* can i just speak to rowan then?
mom: surely. hold on.

hayayay! families. moms. sometimes i wonder, did i really come from that woman? who sometimes make my life so easy and oftentimes insane?
but knowing how crazy i can get, is an instant reminder that i come from the same nut. pun was intended. hehe.

so cheers to my crazy mom who gave birth to a crazier me! :)
happy mommy day to all! :)

word of mouth

- new term for the growing post-natal herd of "hot mamas".


a test of car-acter

i learned earlier that a distant friend just got a car. gf was blabbering about it. and i instantly got pissed. honestly, i got upset. the sinking feeling of underachievement suddenly seized me. how come even though i'm way smarter than many and really hardworking, don't i get the big break? i mean why does it feel that i always have to struggle my way to get things? i've been working for years and i haven't really acquired really valuable possessions. and then i go look at my surroundings and my sinking feeling drags me to the pit. who am i kidding? i live in the slums, barely afloat in poverty. i work my butt off to support the family. i skimp at every opportunity. sometimes too much that i feel cheap.

i know it's wrong to be "inggitera" (envious), but i won't deny that i'm feeling wrong now. like everything is wrong in my life. if i have not been this "mahirap" (i won't be politically correct now and mince words), i would have long married my gf already and settled her in a nice home. but i have nothing to offer but my love. one that's not enough yet to build her a house for us that has a garage for our own car. i do however have built a home for us in my heart and in my dreams. for now that should do.

so this makes me materialistic i guess. i'm no different from the common many who value the good stuff. if you've slaved for money for years, you would also ache for comfort. for now, i only have a comfort room to be content with. at least i have something.

on a good note, i don't have any debt, not a single centavo of iou. if i live in america, that would be truly remarkable. hehe. but since i live in third world, that would be unbelievable. haha.

to survive this deadly sin of envy, i just take comfort in the thought that the car in issue must have been loaned or was acquired thru debt. one that has to be slaved for in years to be fully paid. that should make the playing field fair. hehe.



ohmyfreakingawd. it's been raining in global warming summer. it's official. we're all hot... and wet! yayayay!

i know it defies the laws of thermodynamics, but i just want sweat oiled naked skin making friction with mine at this very moment. with the heat surrounding me and the inferno you build in me, it won't be long before i experience instantaneous combustion. well, entirely not my fault. blame the moody weather who can't make up its mind if it wants to be summer all the way or do a premature rainy season. blah!

i'm just sitting in front of the machine, headphones locked, legs apart, little bit breathless. maybe i'm delusional. but i'm seeing you a few feet away from me, naked, naked thirsty, crawling, ever so slowly, towards me, while i'm legs apart, half slouching. now i'm thirsty too. soo thristy i'm starting to salivate. more breathless than earlier.

would you want to drink the fire springing from me now? sip me dry if you please and devour whatever is left of me i beg you. because if you won't, i'll fuck the daylights out of you, like a crazed animal that knows no need than now.


Love in the time of election

Choosing a candidate is like choosing somebody to love. You read it right, it’s a "choice". I personally believe that love is a conscious effort. There must be something in that person that you like in the first place before you fell in love to him/her. That "like" has its standards, personal guidelines. Not random. Even if your standard is based on the desires of the society, adherence to it is still personal.

My love won't be specific about the party a person keeps. But if she doesn’t stand out from her party or if she and her party contradicts my standards/beliefs, then the love or like I have for her would not grow roots.

It's not really a big deal to me what she's accomplished in the past, but it would be an interesting conversation piece. I would want to know though her current thoughts, concerns, her plans and dreams. "Do you like me?" That kind of current thought. "Do you see a future with me?" That kind of plan/dream. =)

I won't need a survey to know if she's the one. I just need to count the beats per second of my heart at every sight or thought of her to confirm the clamor within me.

I'm an independent womyn and no amount of campaigning by whoever, not even by my closest friends or family would make me like/love her more than what I already do.

In the end, I don’t need a servant, either for a government post or for somebody to love. I need someone who will lead me to an honest, inspiring, fair, passionate and progressive relationship where I'll have an active participation in it.

I already made my choice. Have you? :)

= = = = = = =
I will vote for Ang Ladlad Partylist on May 10.

We've been rejected twice in Comelec and discriminated for the most part of our lives. May 10 is an opportunity for LGBT (lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transexuals/transgenders) to finally have legal representation in the government. Let's go OUT and VOTE for OUR partylist, "ANG LADLAD".

Today, columnist Manuel L. Quezon III featured in Philippine Daily Inquirer that "Ang Ladlad" Party-list is one of his choices in the coming election. Read it here: The daring dozen

Vote Ang Ladlad Party-List


Check the Ang Ladlad website for widgets/videos/jingles to share.