12.31.2010

a tug

Am not happy, not sad. Am i disappointed? I say, I could have done better. I look back at 2010 and that's it? To be fair to myself, I think I hit a few marks I aimed for. But in close scrutiny, my 2010 feels lazy, like just afloat. So I was wondering if somewhere along I did a paradigm shift and decided to take things slow. I started optimistic, then depressed midway, then ditched emotionality and went on. Just went on, with less fire. I probably got tired. And for once just went on. But by doing so, I sorta feel an underachiever. Which goes against my grain, because am ambitious. But exhaustion got the better of me I guess. So here I am, in my "went on" mode, thinking, if twas all a mistake. But then in the end, what matters to me the most anyway? Is it ambition or balance? Is it fire or calm? Is it peace or passion?

I know that my heart breathes fire, but I figured that it's not sustainable for me. With passion comes pain, anger, not just love and desire. And it's consuming me that am afraid there may be nothing left of me after. But while peace, calm, balance work for some, I learned that it's not what my heart needs. It’s not beating as fast as it did before. There's not enough blood being pumped to it. And I miss that tempo I was born with.

Maybe this is why there's only the expression "follow your heart" and not "follow your mind". So why not leave sustainable to the environment and the pro-greens, and live to my heart's desire. Because to sustain a life, you got to feed the heart first, and the rest will follow. =)

If this heart wants fire, then let's see some blaze! Hehe. Happy New Year everyone!


12.30.2010

crime of passion

the first thing i did on my holiday vacay was unintentionally do something illegal.

as i was waiting in the mall for gf, to do (if i may borrow a friend's term) my spousal duty of accompanying her for her haircut, i roamed aimlessly (i think it's called malling) and landed in one of the galleries. at the far end corner of the gallery is where the crime happened. i stood no chance with these three. not only was i outnumbered, it was temptation of eden times three.

if i had the buck i would have bought all these three and mounted them in my own house, assuming i had the money also to have bought my own place by then. the paintings blew me away. i mean, wow! reflex was to take shots. i wanted to capture good shots and even shifted from one position to another, unmindful that am already committing an illegal act, until the old ladies reprimanded me. yikes! the painter strictly forbids photos taken of his work. sigh. but i had enough in my iphone to share (enjoy!) and stare at in my cell (in case i get to prison).

am sure you understand that any gay woman in my position would do the same illegal act. for there's always a right reason/provocation behind every wrongdoing. in my case, make that three right reasons. ;)

**apologies to the painter**
-----
Gossip Girl - Blair: "I'm innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion."

12.27.2010

Crush(ed)

i can't sing to save my life. it's a crime to be tone deaf in the age of videoke and plugged nation. but i manage to survive thru other non-musical talents. hehe. so i guess i can't be blamed for easily falling/get attracted to girls who rock it.

once on an out of town work planning stint where we went to a bar after, i went gaga over a vocalist/guitarist. she sings gwen stefani songs, she's in mini UK plaid skirt with boots and clunky necklaces. i instantly became a freakin shriekin fan. and i was in cloud nine. but being out of town, didn't see her again. sigh.

months later at an exclusive party organized by my ex, i saw her again (yey!) with her bandmate (they're 2 cool chicks). omg. it pumped me high. but then i learned from the circle, that she and her mestiza bandmate are a couple. OUCH. still a freakin, shriekin fan though, i stared at her endlessly as she lifted me to rock and roll heaven with every girl angsty song. by second set, i noticed that she's drunk. at the restroom, she went knocking at every cube asking for ciggies. i was in one of the cubes, and goddammit, why didn't i ever smoke! i went out of my cube and she was still there. wasted! slumped. crying, snots and whatnot. there i was in front of my super duper rocker crush, in a vulnerable state, a golden opportunity really, and all i can do was just stare. before i could even muster a movement near her, other girls came in. rocker crush sluggishly stood up and asked them again for smoke. mental note: seriously consider social smoking. others have done more for love, smoking (with the risk of bad breath, yellow teeth, black lips, ohyeah, and lung cancer too) is such a small price/investment to win over the girl of your fantasy.

i went out, kicking my ass for the biggest stupid act of my life. back at my seat, i can only fume and drink. as the music became upbeat, people started dancing. rocker crush was in the dance floor dancing to herself, she then went hopping at each table, asking the girls to go dance. she was jumping with drink on one hand and smoke on the other. she was more wasted now. i have a suspicion she took in other stuff too. she kept hugging everyone in between jumps and puff. and i was transfixed at what i do best, stare at her endlessly.

i should be ecstatic to finally see again my rocker crush, but watching her crumble by whatever she took, be it alcohol, smoke, drugs, pain, i only felt sadness. her supposed gf was there, mingling with the other women. they appear cool, but rocker crush i sensed is in trouble. so much that she drowns it with all the numbing stuff available that night.


i didn't see her anymore after that night. that night when the crush i nurtured actually got crushed. i hope the same songs she sang that lifted me to various heights be the same songs that heal her heart.


Train Crush 16

far from popular belief, pink is not the official color of cute. red is. hehe. this girl is a contradiction. how can you be so cute and charming and be in daring red? colors aside, cute is your barely combed hair, charming is your shy smile, sweet is your not so pointed nose (yes, nose has a taste, hehe) and soft are your cheek bones.

i had to control the impulse to touch your cheeks with the back of my palm. i felt like hugging you to shield you from the harsh world and whisper a promise to your gentle lobes that everything will be alright.

i'll be your knight and you my lady. you are the fairy and i'm under your spell. you are the happy ending yet to unfold. you are my train crush 16.


12.26.2010

Have yourself a lezzy little Christmas

A gay Christmas to all of us! :) Cheers!



Have yourself a lezzy little Christmas

Have yourself a lezzy little Christmas,
Let our girls not fight
Next year on,
Our homophobes will be out of sight (wish!)

Have yourself a lezzy little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide GAY,
Next year on,
Our haters will be miles away. (please!)

We are gay since the olden days,
Lezzy golden days of yore.
Faithful gays who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more.

Until then
We all will be together,
For the Fates allow
Hang a rainbow flag upon the highest bough.
And have yourselves a lezzy little Christmas now.

12.23.2010

black is the new black

a quick post now that my hangover's lifted and before i rush to a bank errand.

------
i've seen a lot of lez-themed flicks, but haven't one that explicitly shows hungry oral action. in a mainstream film. with two mainstream actresses. make that two hot mainstream actresses. or did i just not watch enough lez flicks?

i have posted about Black Swan before, and just told you about the kiss. but i now realize that it lacked justice to the intensity that is Black Swan. this is a mind fuck (i love puns!) psychological thriller drama of a lez-themed film. actually they're not marketing it as lez. the girl to girl part is juxtaposed in the web of rivalry, deceit, powerplay, art, ambition, paranoia. will tell more after i've watched the full film soon. err, once K gives me a copy. hehe. for now, let us all de-stress from the holiday madness and watch snippets of a different kind of black madness ;)



who says you need big boobs to make a scene this wildly stimulating? now go find your women (as in now!) and make your own black intensity, snippets or otherwise. cheers! =)

12.14.2010

Want a taste of LABIA?

Still fresh from the blog awards fever, I've been thinking about a lez blog making it there. But since it can easily be diluted under the personal blog category, I can imagine the challenges already. With that, i've decided that I'll launch my own blog awards - Lesbian And a Blogger Intl Awards - LABIA. Haha. This will be for all lesbians/G2G/women loving women Filipino bloggers (for now) all over the universe!  woohoo! Maybe I'll have one finalist per month and feature it. Then decide who gets the LABIA trophy at the end of the year. Don't worry, won't be literal on the labia of a trophy, unless there's clamor for it. Haha. Will start on January. I dunno a lot of lez blogs, so please help me out and send recommendations while I polish the LABIA project. Maybe I'll ask you beautiful ladies for votes or have judges. Let's see. Do send in suggestions, ideas, help (cash or otherwise. Lol!). I also must check if a labia award giving body already exists (which i doubt). So please help me out on that too. Oops! My train stop's next. Gtg! Later.

This is what happens to me when am sleep deprived, I get crazy! =)

12.13.2010

blabber

Speaking of fuck you, I once got an SMS like that from a new friend (who reads this blog). I didn't know I can merit such intense reply from a new acquaintance. Hehe. Is my new friend playing jekyll and hyde on me? Really odd because I found her to be very nice. I decided to save the SMS in case she denies it and also to serve as reminder to myself not to trust easily no matter how nice the skin of that woman is. I next blocked her from my IM lest I get more 7-letter words. Days after, she SMSd again. I asked her what gives. And she said she didn't and would never say that to me. She suspected it must be her live-in ex-gf who did that for that woman is a jealous live-in ex-gf. Hay, too many hyphens mean trouble. So why didn’t I FY back to the live-in ex-gf? She doesn't deserve any of my intensity. Bleh!

Speaking of jealousy, a friend whom I enjoy hanging out with had to stop our gig because her gf's getting jealous of lil adorable me. Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t do anything other than be my adorable self. Hehe. I never sought the person, she was the one who initiates the interaction. This got me upset a bit. I think in my post of January 2010, I highlighted my quest for new friends. But turned out to be really challenging. Sad. So I told this to my other friend (who has asked me several times in jest when will my gf and I break up. I just let those pass else I won't have a friend to talk to right?). And other friend was like, "is her gf nuts? You're like a celebrity! (exclamation from me only. Hehe). You don't get jealous to a celebrity." Oonganaman! Hahaha. Yep, that's why I keep this friend, she's such a sweetheart. :)

Anyhoo, smart as I am, I've often been clueless and na├»ve to hints as I don't want to thread the path of assumption grounds. Even though girls  there are so pretty. Ok, I digressed. I didn’t mean the exclusive school, but it's true about their girls. Soo when friend with jealous gf hinted in some form, I responded back (in some form) ignorantly, which can easily be misconstrued as the feeling is mutual.  I didn’t realize it's a hint until after she pointed it out to me. Tension's gone so is the fun. I steered clear as I don't want to cause any rift.

Speaking of rift, remember hot girl? Saw her in pride march. We sorta sms'd after that.

FW: saw pix of you in fb, with guys commenting you're hot

HG: I feel so uncomfortable being on fb. Maybe  a little covert like you.

FW: It can't be helped since you work for **** and a hot one at that. So get used to it :)

HG: Haha. Well thanks. But I think they said some mean things too, but the person am seeing asked the guy to take it down thankfully. How are things on your end?

FW: of course I can't let that one slip - soo you're seeing someone : ) nice. Care to tell a tiny bit more?

HG: Haha. I'm super private like you but it's been N months. We’re just having fun together. Way to try to slip by without giving any details yourself!

FW:  so where did you two meet? From here? Female or male? Those will be my last 3 questions about the person you are seeing (which am sure has a name). What do you want to know about myself? I dunno what to tell.

HG: Ok, I'll answer two of those. Our common friend introduced us. And yep, from here. Whatever you want to tell. Maybe one of the things  you want from life? Of your favorite book?

FW: Currently reading the 4 Hour Work Week. Wants to buy the book M Factor (about the millenials). Reading up online on how to do trading. Pondering about the meaning of friendship in the age of facebook. Fave books of all time - If you see Buddha on the road, kill him (Sheldon Kopp) and The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand). Also Love Doesn't Exist (can't remember the author, borrowed from my college teacher). Fave films - Memento and Inception. I love mindfuck films. So I love 3 things - women, books and films.

HG: Those  are my favorite films too. Christopher Nolan really knocked them out of the park. I want to be made to think as a viewer and be transported - viola! Add to those loves food and genuine connections with others, those connections that affirm you exist, and you have me.

FW: wow! A mouthful. If I have you, how come we never hang out? Ohyeah right, you're seeing a person. Hehe. Just teasing. So in case you missed the subtext, it's an invitation to hang out with you if it's ok with the person you are seeing.

HG: I'd have to check with her because I'm trying this whole honest and upfront thing.

FW: trying is the operative word. If it helps, it's a guaranteed "friendly" hang out invitation only. I have a gf. But I don't have a lot of friends whom I can discuss Nolan with and other non-existential stuff. Only if it's ok with your person. I don't want to cause a rift or something.

HG: Oh wow! That would be great! I really need more girl friends. I'm so excited to hang out. I've almost given up on having lesbian girl friends because no one's really wanted to be just friends. Plus it's nice to be around with similar interests. Catch you soon ;)



----
Speaking of catch, i badly need to catch up on sleep. work has been exhausting day in, day out and i even had to work weekend. 


Speaking of end, this is it. Will sleep now. Good night! =)

12.12.2010

bloggers' world



















For some technical reason, can't access my shoutbox from my phone. Wifi is fast and free now at Rcbc. Not working, but attending the phil blog awards. Nope, not nominated (I wish!), but a guest of a friend awardee and 2010 nominee. So far, only 2 lesbian sightings (excluding me). There should be a category on lgbt. Just saying.

A comics blogger who's a college-mate asked my friend awardee what his blog is. I asked him about his blog to dodge the question to me. But afterwards, he remembered. Dang! Told him my URL. You'd think he'd stop there. "does your blog has a niche?" err, yes. "what's your niche?" it's a lesbian blog. "Oh.*pause* I think I've seen your blog before." Yeah, right.

Program starting. Later friends! :)

----
Just in - my super famous good friend professional heckler won under the humor category! Yahoo! :)

----
professional heckler won 2 awards! woot! woot! best humor blog and one of the top 3 posts of 2010. he's won 3 years in a row - three peat! :) he writes political (sometimes entertainment-related) satire that's ALWAYS funny and meaty. heck, even his acceptance speech was funny!

----
a blogger i know, fickle cattle also won! one of the top 3 posts of 2010. neat! i shrieked to my friend that i know that guy! i later went over his side and introduced myself. good thing he remembers my blog. hehe. he writes about his experiences on being gay, family, relationships, etc. he writes very well and for a law student, amazingly often. hehe.

-----
a blogger i really respect is sidney who i have finally met in person thru the event. yey! i've known of his blog from way back and i like his black and white photos. he's a foreigner taking pics of the local scene. you'd think of tour spots. but no, he takes pics of the usual spots in the metro like kids in squatters' area. kids who surprisingly look happy albeit the misery in their environment. so do check out his site.   

----
i also saw karla, one of the organizers there and the one in the two lesbian sightings (the other her gf. hehe). her blog is very popular in the music scene. so visit hers too for gig updates and freebies! :)

12.08.2010

rant in a song

there's truth to the saying, good things come in small package. for this case a teeny-weeny ukelele with a sumkinda winona ryder look-alike belting it out.

was supposed to rest early today, but this is soo blog-worthy. how many times did we want to scream those words to someone?

to the girl we so deserve but didn't get
to the boss who promoted somebody else instead of us
to the cab driver who won't let us in
to the traffic enforcers who unfairly gave us a ticket
to the teacher who flunked us
to the homophobics
to the unbelievable traffic
to the net connection that keeps breaking
to an innocent bystander, just because we feel like cussing

all together now -- FUCK YOU!!!



F*ck You
by StitchedElf - Ukelele cover

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and i'm like,
Fuck you!

Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!

I said, if I was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

Yeah i'm sorry, I can't afford a ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.
I pity the fool that falls in love with you
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know nigga)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

[chorus]
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if I was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...

Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo


Now I know, that I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ass ain't cheap.
I pity the fool that falls in love with you
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know nigga)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

[chorus]
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and i'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if I was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo


Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?
(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my momma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh!
I still love you. Oooh!


[chorus]
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and i'm like,
Fuck you!

Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough i'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if I was richer, i'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

12.05.2010

pride march 1

I had an overseas friend (OF) whom I was very close with. We first met in a forum, and then transitioned to regular chatting. We became close friends to a point where she's like my big "kuya" (brother). Yep, kuya. She was the one who insisted I call her kuya. And I believe fate favored our friendship because we even have the same name! How cosmic right?

We shared almost everything, from world views, life longings, personal struggles, past pains, even our gfs. Not in the sense that you're thinking, but more like being involved in the relationship.

I was her errand girl. OF would tell me what she needs/wants or what she's planning, I would give my inputs/ideas (being opinionated as I am), and then I would do the legwork. I arranged for flower deliveries, with my handwriting on the cards. I ordered food from restos (pizza, meals, etc) to be delivered to her. I made a box full of small cards printed with things OF loves about her gf and OF's plans for them. That was my idea by the way. I bought love birds for OF's gf. And I also organized a surprise birthday party for OF's gf. That was also my idea. Hehe.

One time, I saw OF's gf post in her blog pictures of the flowers and the card (which has my handwriting and my name, since we have the same name). It sorta freaked me out. I was uncomfortable because the gf was saying how "kilig" she was. For a millisecond, my mind went yikes! It somehow appeared like I got myself a second gf. Haha.

OF asked me to meet her gf, to get to know her. Maybe to watch over her gf since she's away. I don't have close lez friends then, both emotionally and proximity-wise. Gf is not out and doesn't go to g2g events. So I took OF's gf to exclusive parties, poetry nights, meet-ups with g2g (girl-to-girl) forum peeps, dyke dialogues and pride march.

Most people in those activities mistook us as couples. We always tell them we're not, but they mostly don't believe us. Tough.

Along the way OF's gf found her way to the lez scenes. OF's gf got close to the lez circle I introduced her into. And became particularly closer to one girl. I detected where it might lead to and immediately warned OF. I am not in the position to impose, only to share my thoughts and feelings.

They eventually broke up because of that particular girl. OF called me early mornings and howled her grief. OF said she needs to go away, to heal perhaps.  I respected that. Months later (or was it years?), from someone else, I learned that they got together again. Neat. Many more months (I lost count), still nothing from OF. It's been years and we still haven't "talked". OF and her gf broke up again. Her gf then now has a new gf. And I heard recently, OF also has her own gf, this time in the same country where she lives.

People come and go. Some bring someone when they enter our lives. And when they decide to go, sometimes the one they brought along is the one that stays.

My OF's now ex-gf, whom I used to send flowers for, gave stuff to, organized  a party for, who's constantly been mistaken as my gf is now my good girl friend.

To my pride march buddy, thank you for the unexpected and enduring friendship. Cheers! =)




Because 
you 
are 
the 
rainbow 
after 
the 
rain.

12.01.2010

More reason to go to Pride March

i am swelling (and at the same time bawling) with pride for this very young man (14 y/o), Graeme Taylor who drove an hour to the teachers' board to defend his teacher who got suspended for a day without pay because the teacher ejected from the room two students who gave anti-gay comments.

am amazed how freely he can express himself in such an eloquent manner, as if being gay is the most natural thing to be and defending gay rights is the second most natural thing to do. i mean, wow! i guess that's what happens if one is out - you are free.

gay or not, i think Graeme is really smart, but because he himself had his share of the struggles growing up gay, he developed this sensibility and sensitivity to separate right from wrong and take action based on that. cheers to you!!! :)

------
i will march on Saturday, as i did for the past 2 yrs. i will be out in public, under the scrutiny of the homophobics, the confused, the media, with the possible risk of getting caught in camera and being discovered by people i know (family, colleagues, unknowing friends). i am gay. and i am not out. but once a year, i commit to be one with the community and publicly show my pride with being gay. and then most probably, have the greatest time partying after, because gay parties are the fiercest! =)


Graeme's guesting at Ellen's show


his speech: