dahil pangarap lang kita

I'll keep loving you because I don't know how not to.

Pangarap Lang Kita
Parokya ni Edgar featuring Happee Sy

Mabuti pa sa lotto, may pag-asang manalo
‘Di tulad sayo, impossible
Prinsesa ka, ako’y dukha
Sa movie lang naman kasi may mangyayari

[chorus - Chito]
At kahit mahal kita
Wala akong magagawa
Tanggap ko ‘to aking sinta
Pangarap lang kita

Ang hirap maging babae
Kung gusto rin babae
Kahit may gusto ka ‘di mo masabi
Hinde ako ‘yung tibong nagbibigay motibo
Conservative ako kaya di maaari

[chorus - Happee]
At kahit mahal kita
Wala akong magagawa
Tanggap ko ‘to aking sinta
Pangarap lang kita

[chorus - Chito and Happee]
At kahit mahal kita (minamahal kita)
Wala akong magagawa (walang magagawa)
Tanggap ko ‘to aking sinta
Pangarap lang kita

[Happee's chinese part]
Suiran wo hen ai ni
Wo mei fenfa gaosu ni
Wo xin zhong yi you oh – qinai

Danshr shr wo de ai

[chorus - Chito and Happee]
At kahit mahal kita (da ai)
Wala akong magagawa (wo zhen de mei fenfa)

Tanggap ko ‘to aking sinta
Pangarap lang kita

**para sa mga (full, half, 1/4) Chinese friends ko from this blog =) **


Zooey plays gay! err, bi pala. still Yey!

fantasies, and not just dreams DO come true! :) Zooey Deschanel having a girlfriend! uhm, on film. to see it happen in whatever form is enough for me. it's after all the vintage iconic Zooey! giddy yey! :) the indie film is titled Our Idiot Brother. I don't really give a fly about the brother. And since Zooey will always be my star, it might as well be titled Our Idiot Brother's Cool Gay Bi Sis. hehe. After discovering a review with spoiler though, i learned that Zooey's character is bi. pfft!

the girlfriend is Rashida Jones, who i honestly don't know anything about. BUT, she does look to be a match to dearie Zooey in her geeky, goddess kind of get up. :) stripes and checkered blend well.

the literal pink and blue of female gaydom. soo sweeeet! :) am kilig already (what is the direct english translation of kilig?). sigh.

unfortunately, the goodies end here. those are the only pix i can find online. i know! soo bitin! so let's just wait for the film to be available here. twas shown this Friday in US. hopefully we can watch together, it'll be so fun! =) if you happen to download a copy, be a sister and share please ;)

i just read a spoiler and it isn't really a super cheer for the film's depiction of gay. so here is Zooey to erase any sad feeling i have about it.

hmm...how come am still a tad sad? :(

ohkaay... now am all smiles. hehe  =)

i had this nagging feeling since yesterday that she closely resemble another celebrity, then it hit me! katy perry! so here's to doubling the fun. from the girl who kissed a girl (in a song) to the girl who kissed a girl (in a film). ENJOY! =)

my favorite :)

Train Crush 20

i first noticed your nails. they're neon pink! hot and cute at the same time :) then the legs that follow are endlessly long, lean and smooth. super like! :) your arms are toned, you must be working out. am very  excited with this because we can work out together :) your face doesn't seem to be from here, like that mixed with something italian or of latina blood. the way your nose catches your celebrity-like shades, the thin lips with interesting curve that i inwardly want to gently trace with my thumb, and the slight cleft chin that ends the shape of your eye-catching, blog-worthy face. what more if i've seen your eyes? and oh! the unruly fringe! that speaks i'm confident, beautiful and i don't care! haha. thank you for not looking up because i may have melted instantly if not froze to idiotic immobility. hehe. but most of all, thank you for the inspiration of being my train crush 20 =)

**click the pix for a bigger image**



There is this thing called three golden rules in project management - Just in time, just enough and just because. Women happen to me in the same breath.

New women come to my life commonly in two forms - that of megan fox and of amanda seyfried. Kidding. Hehe. Usually they seem to come or get noticed by me when my senses are open to new stimuli. like when am feeling horny (kidding again!), vulnerable or pensive. It is during theses states that I would out of the ordinary look at others. Probably longer than usual (since I love staring at beautiful women to begin with) , or look at a different direction/side. Then I realize, hey X is charming  pala or there's something about Y. and that's how it starts to happen, just in time. Because am just unknowingly ready.

Sometimes though I get too accustomed to what I've had that I want something new and would really proactively seek that thing to break the mundane. When this happens, all that's needed is just enough curiosity, attraction and of course, alcohol. Spark ensues and then maybe later, fireworks galore!  Aminin na natin, madaming love life or sex life ang nabuo mula sa inuman!

But love. Ah, what do I know of it really? I can express how it makes me feel. The way it elates me to commune with the stars, how it pains me to a point of breaking, the manner that it humbles me to submission, and its hand in shaping me to who I am now. It is that unconquerable thing I want to experience over and over as if am the dumbest for not learning. My mind and heart are always deemed inadequate for it demands my entire being that I often  get consumed. If love is a citizen, then it's the number one violator of all standards, pattern and status quo. So what do I know of love? Not much I reckon. For I love you, just because. =)

"The freedom of being out and open about who I am 
allowed me to find and fall in love with Lauren – 
the most amazing woman I've ever known."

August 20, 2011
Country singer Chely Wright married 
her partner Lauren Blitzer

Chely came out last year. 

article here


in love



kapag sinabi ko

recovered from my deleted poetry blog.

kapag sinabi kong
i miss u
it means gusto ko magkita tayo

kapag sinabi kong
i trust you
it means, i know kung niloloko mo ko

kapag sinabi kong
i hate u
it means, suyuin mo ko.

at kapag sinabi kong
i luv u
it means, sex na tyo!


Winnie loves Piglet

i just discovered the love and wisdom between Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, whom i think are both boys(?). yey! gay love! =) mush ahead!

“It is more fun to talk with someone 
who doesn't use long, difficult words 
but rather short, easy words like 
"What about lunch?”

for all the Anonymous ones :)

"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman."

random likes

sharing some random stuff that interested me and would have personally purchased if i had the funds. :)

from here

from here

from here

from here

from here

to Someone

We met at the most wrong time. Recognizing that, we went on to each other's lives. Our paths missed each other and intersected years after.  This time, we welcomed the chance albeit the commitments we have. You said hi. And I replied, about time.

The floodgate has been opened and the years' past became now. A montage of pain, survival, cheers and joy. At times we wondered, in the middle  of the soul mate-like connection of ours why we're not together when it seems apparent we already are.  But since we knew that, it didn’t really bother us and we were still happy.

I was drawn crawling drunk to your vulnerability, your intelligence, your artistry, your selflessness, your beauty. You are the most damaged person I know. I fell. Picked up each piece of broken glass shard that you are. Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes stabbing sharp. Sometimes reflective, sometimes  blunt. Sometimes it hurt. Sometimes it's hard. I tried to understand you piece by piece until it left me bleeding and still not fully knowing.

You love me. Period. That's how simple you would explain it. You gave me a piece of your brain, your heart and your life. And I made them my own.

In an attempt to share mine, I told you my truth. Truth that is real,  truth that I didn’t mean to hurt. If you were broken to begin with, I shattered you then. And there's just too many small pieces. Each small piece you hammered to my heart in anger nail until you covered its entirety with your pain you want me to feel and suffer with.

I don't know how to think of you without sadness.  Each time I remove a nailed piece of you in my heart just leaves me wanting and hurting. I know I never said I love you to you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t. 

We may not have had the perfect timing, but  you were the wrong woman that felt perfect for me then. Please let me forget you so I can live again. 


Tara! :)

Strange Little Night
The Tori Amos Birthday Tribute Gig
August 20, 9pm, Conspiracy


mount her(a)

as i scan at the vista of your naked body
the sunlight glistens the landscape of your skin.
my eyes raced in hiking to your plains and slopes
trailblazing the path to your secrets,
discovering hidden caves and treasures.
for where my hands traversed on your smooth terrain
so did my lips traveled next.
each touch imprinting with passion
each taste burning with sensation

from NY on love

i love the imagery, and the rawness. please post comments about the article here (at the bottom of the page). i dunno why some of the readers didn't like it, but i devoured it whole and still can't get enough of it. 

The Futility Of Medium

Aug. 15, 2011

Of course I love your letters, your flowers, your bumper sticker sentiments of devotion, your country song renditions of desire. I thank you for the gestures from your big, pure, unadulterated heart. Shout it from the top of a mountain, write it on my Wall, and if it makes you happy, go spell it with burning jet fuel in the bluest summer sky. Accept my touch of kindness but please don’t expect me to reveal what exactly is the flint and friction of my fire. If you had any clue who it was you thought you were loving, you would have already spared me the need to pacify myself and my burning, caustic urge to say what I think would definitely change your mind:

Stop sanitizing your love, dulling its razor edges and instead presenting a safe sphere of promises you can’t keep. Don’t bore me with talk of the universe and destiny or anything else you must credit to later seek absolution from blame.

Come to me incomplete, broken, cut, borderline depressed, manic and unrepressed and I will show you something so demented no god would ever permit. It has absolutely nothing to do with rainbows and roses and other overused demonstrations of an affection so carefully prescribed, but everything to do with rocks breaking off cliffs and falling into the water as giant walls that displace the moss that has gathered over years. It eats like an ulcer and claws its way out, making nothing else possible but a piercing silence of hunger and desperation, irrationality and lies. Way beyond white horses and confections and sunsets and all that poets describe. Past the wide open fields and dreamy yellow suns, instead worrisome like a shipwreck after dark. It’s compelling like the possibilities presented by the possessions of the war’s dead. Tempestuous like the attempt to reach for them and claim their right, panicked by the innocent surprise of having no hatch nor break in the hull from which to surface for air, and nowhere to turn but backwards through a complex maze, without light.

Tell me then if it’s still possible for you to remain in your body when the rest of you is consumed by another place and time. Only then should you attempt to capture in gesture what even I have to admit failure in trying to describe. There’s nothing as overdone as the futility of medium in love, other than believing it appropriate to send me used, secondhand, watered down manifestations of how you think it could be defined.

Free Film Screenings at Mogwai

watch tayo! :)

4th .MOV International Film, Music, & Literature Festival

You don't know movies. At least, not movies like these. A woman moves to Paris, and the clockmaker who loves her sets all the clocks in his shop to Paris time. 

A factory worker loses a finger in a sardine packing factory, finds another's finger in a can, and sews it onto his hand. These are only a few of the stories that get told and re-told in Club.MOV's The Idiot's Guide to Heartbreak.

Club.MOV, a 4-day screening held on the last week of every month in Mogwai Cinemathique in Cubao Expo, is the brainchild of independent filmmaker and festival director Khavn De La Cruz.

"The idea is to show films you would never see in theaters, free of charge," says Khavn. "These are films that our programmers have handpicked; some are old, others are new. Most, if not all, are personal favorites."

Khavn is quick to give credit where credit is due: to the three programmers who have been carefully--some might even say lovingly--choosing what to show at every Club.MOV screening. "Dodo Dayao, Chard Bolisay, and Oggs Cruz put a lot of thought into every selection. There is no shortage of material; there are many wonderful little films out there, and this makes it all the harder to pick out the ones with the most heart."

What of Club.MOV's twin themes of love and loss? "There is no escaping heartbreak," laughs Khavn. "But think about it: if you celebrate finding love, why not celebrate loss?” And true enough, no one celebrates loss like Club.MOV's three programmers Dodo, Chard, and Oggs who put together a stellar line-up of heartbreaking films month after month after month.

So now you know--it's not just love that break your heart; art does, too. Get your heart broken in the happiest way possible at Club.MOV's Idiot's Guide to Heartbreak 6, and while you're at it, say hello to the men behind the selection.

Here is the schedule for upcoming screenings. 

Wednesday, August 24

L'ECLISSE (Michelangelo Antonioni, Italy, 1962)
Curated by Chard Bolisay

BLISSFULLY YOURS (Apichatpong Weeresethakul, Thailand, 2002)
Curated by Dodo Dayao

Thursday, August 25
PONYO (Hayao Miyazaki, Japan, 2008)
Curated by Oggs Cruz

(Special Preview Screening)
This is not a film by Khavn

The 4th .MOV International Film, Music, & Literature Festival is the Philippines' first digital film festival and the world's only creative initiative celebrating Cinema, Music, & Literature exclusively.

Contact Details:
For more information about the free screenings as well as to keep up to date on the six-day festival's activities, check out www.movfest.org or add us up on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/MovFest. To volunteer for the upcoming festival, email admin@movfest.org.

Cubao Expo
General Romulo Ave., Araneta Center
Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines
Thursday September 1, 2011 - Tuesday September 6, 2011


August affair

i have a friend who's an avid user of twitter. sya ang tunay na celebrity, hindi ako. anyhoo, we went jogging Sunday and he insisted for the nth time that i tweet. he said am missing out a whole new world! i actually have an account but can't sustain it since am not always online anyway. while at work on a sunday (sucks, i know. ugh), and we have this new-found internet freedom, i decided to check out his tweets. he said something foolish abt not goin jogging again with me bec he's sore all over. that compelled me to tweet! hehe. then today, saw someone follow me on twitter. so i got curious enough to check twitter again, and i discovered that i started with twitter Aug. 09, then Aug. 10 and now, Aug. 11. it seems i have this on and off love affair with August with twitter as backdrop. hehe. it surprised me also to see my past tweets. thought i'd share it with you here. naisip, ko, ang witty and funny ko naman. haha.

the essence of sex is .... ? pleasure or friction?

masarap magmahal pag ang mahal mo masarap ;)

sleeping is for the idle mind.

The survival of your bond will depend on an acceptance of other people coming into your lives.

life is not short, just finite.

everything eventually dies, even life, even love, even us.

it's so freakin hot today, i hope nudity will become a fashion statement.

the liberating way out of a mistake is admission followed by ways for prevention.

my ideal man is a womyn.

Why do we always think of the worst? So that we have space to thank for.

Feed your passion.

life is never fair, so why play it square?

TGIF isn't abt work ending, it's all abt communing w/ friends over good food, drinks and stimulating discussion. cheers!


Remedium amoris* The cure for love is still in most cases that ancient radical medicine: love in return. - nietzsche

The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful. - e. e. cummings

The deepest experience of the creator is feminine, for it is experience of receiving and bearing. - Rainer Maria Rilke


to others and to some - updated

now that i've let it out of my system, i'm happy to share that the two friends whom i still care about already apologized. =) we aired our sides, said sorry. done. now moving on to a more interesting part, the supposed threesome invite. i'll just post it verbatim.

girl: hi fire! i'm a huge fan.. i was wondering if you could meet up with me and my friend sometime? hang out lang..

firewomyn: sure! basta treat nyo ko ha. hehe.

girl: haha bukas, pwede ka?

firewomyn: hindi naman kayo nagmamadali no? hehe. can't tom. next Sat works for me. at ndi mo pa kinoconfirm kung treat mo ko ha.

girl: can we get your contact number? 

firewomyn: no. we have to communicate thru mental telepathy. hehe, just email me. and am kinda dubious abt this "we"

**ym msg from someone i don't know received on my phone** 

bigboy: hi. this is ___, girl's friend. haha :)

firewomyn: you're a man? *was thinking could be a butch*

bigboy: yeah, last i checked. haha

firewomyn: i am lesbian. *i think this is the first time i said that line to anybody*

bigboy: err.. *pause* okay, i don't really know how to say this.. *pause* but girl and i were talking about getting another girl to join us, and she said her local celeb crush was you. *msg cut*

**twas late night and was tired, so didn't reply anymore. the next day - **

firewomyn: your msg was cut. join you on what?

bigboy: uh join us for a ... tryst. but i realize now medyo offensive so i'm super sorry. forget we said anything.

i know i've been mentioning it here that my ultimate fantasy is a threesome. i thought the specifics were obvious, so i should have provided that very minor detail that my fantasy is a threesome with two other women. no penis involved please.

the proposal was at first interesting *because it was the girl who asked first*, then shocking *because the boy got in the picture. i mean what part of the word lesbian in my blog header is unclear?*, then interesting again *haha. the shock wore off*, then bitin *they didn't even wait for my answer!*, and then funny *hey, it's not everyday you get to be invited for a "tryst with what seems to be a hetero couple*. and of course i won't let it slip that the girl (whom i am imagining is hot) categorized me as a "local celeb". naksnaman! hay, ansaya ng buhay. may drama, may erotica, may comedy. okay na yan, wag na pong dagdagan ng horror pls. hehe =)


to others and to some

it has been an offensive week and i am tried.

two friends i value asked me this week to meet them but only for an hour because they're meeting their other friends after. one friend asked me out also, but didn't bother to show up. and then i think i got asked for a threesome with a hetero couple. but that's an altogether different story.

every time a friend asks me out, i get excited. an opportunity to go out, unwind, socialize and touch base with people i care about. but to be squeezed in to fill a gap in their schedule like an after thought of some sort, or worse to be stood up is at first offensive and secondly sad.

am offended to be considered with such little thought and care. to be belittled to an hour's worth. but at the very bottom, it made me sad. to feel and realize that am devalued as such when i would extend my arm and leg to help them. no, this is not about "sumbat". i just thought simply that i matter to them. yes, i want to feel important. to be treated and made to feel important.

the reality check is, you give importance variable to the degree of friendship. and so, not all friends are treated equally. specially now when social network has heavily diluted the meaning of friendship to as simple as an accept friend request.

to them, i may be their last-minute-one-hour-can-dismiss friend. to some, i am the inspiration of their daily creative greetings, someone they're proud to know, one who profoundly touched their lives, a friend who makes them feel better.

i am firewomyn. i bared my heart and shared my life here to whoever cares and takes time to read. and i thank all the "somes", the anonymous readers, and more for making me feel important. =)

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me

And I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life



natawa ko dito. hehe


something's odd at home. our two male dogs (the daddy dog and his son) are dry humping in the living room. gay is cool, but it's incestuous! hehe. this is largely because mommy dog is preggy and we barred daddy dog from doing her. she's close to giving birth that's why.

there was also an episode when mommy dog was dry humping daddy dog. haha. now that's not only an alpha dog, but an alpha female dog! go mommy! hehe :)

dogs have it easy. they don't need to hatid-sundo or give gifts or even make pacute.the code is simple, when in heat, insert and then hump away! but with all those fur, i can fully understand why they don't do oral. haha. and we do have copied from them too. hello, dog style? :D

*this is just me entertaining myself, because am a tad sad.*


the power of books

i had an exhausting Friday. work was as usual unbelievably hectic that i worked thru lunch. by the time i was done all the street lights were turned on. i walked slowly,  traversing the busy Ayala stretch. 'texted a few people in the hope of a last minute tgif gimmick, but either they were non-responsive or were still at work.sigh. the rain decided to accompany me in my walk. i begged off and used the walkway instead, passing thru greenbelt. Powerbooks dressed in attractive print of red Sale, invited me for a date. i smiled hesitantly, did mental accounting, then took her hand in offer.

for someone i haven't visited in a long while, she made me feel very comfortable. she has soo many stories to tell, some fiction, some laced with truth. i tried to read her actions by leafing thru her gestures and thumbing her words. she elicited various emotions in me, some familiar, some distant. holding my hand, she toured me around, introduced me to many people. there was an athlete named after an animal, a superhero dressed in super fit costume, a chef who's a barefoot royalty, a japanese who speaks of kafka, an unknown economist, a local business man popularizing finance and some wimpy kid.   

i tried to get to know them. listened to their stories while sipping imaginary wine. the food served for thought was a feast! my heart was full and my mind was happy. twas intoxicating.

before long, i flirted with a cashier, exchanged digits. she looked at me with surprise and coy before letting me go. haha. i think she's convinced i'm a slut for i went home with a millenial, the animal-named athlete, a fever pitch fan of football, and a woman named harper lee. sorry wimpy kid, you're too young for me. *wink*

that night, i let them touch me, break me, excite me, stimulate me. we had intercourse. body and soul, i loved it. :)


image from this new discovery site.i am sure you will love this tumblr site :)


unpopular opinion

sorry to be a party pooper, but with the widening support to gay marriage, i wonder, are gays really ready for long term, monogamous, no fucking around (seriously, no.), in sickness (hello, hiv) and in bitching kind of commitment, aka marriage?

i ask this because i know that many gays' idea of long term is as long as their next hair color or the next cebu pacific piso fair. the reality is, a LOT of gays fool around, break up and change partners in a snap. am not saying it's wrong, but the dynamics will change with marriage in the picture. *shit, this is sounding more and more like what used to be a straight issue*

we used to be free as in we can have as many or simply cut it with someone simply because. there was no pressure or ties of something legal. some view it as rights deprivation, others embraced it as an advantage.

with the surge of same sex marriage, my fear is a surge of gay divorce/separations too.

i have yet to personally know a gay couple that's really old and gray and still exclusively together. unless they were old and gray already when they became a couple. hehe.

but as i write about this unpopular opinion, i have come to the understanding that the bottom line is to be free to have the options. to have that choice as my right, just like everybody else, that is equality.

being free is not just being able to do the things you want to do, but also having the option to do all the things available whether they're your cup or tea or in case you change your mind. the issue is not 'do i want to get married or not', the concern is i can get married if i want to. =)

Saturday afternoon

giggling bougainvilleas waving fortune plants, dancing pigeon flocks, teasing of the cool wind, a peep from a sunshine glint and a blanket of white clouds.

the scene from my window as i pause on a chapter reading of To Kill a Mockingbird.

delightfully rare. :)


foreign germ in me

while i love this country (so much that i cried at the news of a girl who carried our flag amid a flood), i have been westernized. i long to work and live overseas where everything seems to be larger than life and better. i enjoy talking to foreigners (i have counterpart colleagues in US). *nope, i don't work for a call center. though sometimes i wish i do* all the best tvs shows i follow i can watch real time. hehe. i can wear boots without looking silly because the chilly weather there calls for it. i can meet loads of aggressive, beautiful women and maybe even angelina jolie or portia de rossi up close. i can finally have an imported, believable American twang which sounds fake right now. i can go to the beach and wear  bikinis without being looked at because everybody does it there. and of course i can get married with a woman because it's legal there. these are aspirations and assumptions of someone from the outside looking in.

now let me share what it's like being inside, looking out. here's a Thought Catalog article of my only friend in NY. :)

The Foreigner In The Corner
Aug. 4, 2011 By Shakira Andrea Sison

I am the quiet one in the crowd with an approving nod and a warm chuckle, the one who just smiles at whatever you say. Looking spineless and overly agreeable, I give affirmative responses to most questions and suggestions while appearing to be afloat in my own world. To an outsider, it is one that seems to be without many words.

Except that mine is actually the opposite, though far away, where roosters crow from the roofs of neighbors who keep them not for food, but to tell time. I grew up with the nearest telephone being a thirty minute walk from our house, where my childhood summer entertainment consisted of evading grownups on my bicycle and hanging out watching water buffalo bathe in mud and bask in the sun. I would wait for the dirt to dry on their backs and crack into chips that fell in diamond-shaped patches, the end of the day leaving giant hoof prints surrounded by an assortment of clay shapes on the ground.

I don’t tell you about any of this because it always seems so odd and self-serving. In a crowd discussing television shows and restaurants, a story about livestock is just random, strange, and is easily misconstrued as an attempt to vilify the only life that you know – the same one I’m trying to fit into and make familiar. Worse, it makes a spectacle of what seems to be the pitiful backward existence of my past. I’d rather not draw attention towards some obscure land that’s so different from the universally appreciated topic at hand, even though I am pretty sure at one point in the conversation I was actually asked where I was from.

By asking maybe you didn’t need answers, you were just trying to be nice. I tried once, at a restaurant, to say that a dish reminded me of my childhood. The moment I said its name your eyes didn’t shift but its focus turned inward, instead of the story I wanted to tell.

And so I didn’t tell you about kare-kare, the oxtail stew that my beloved nanny used to make each year on my birthday. Early in the morning, grains of rice would be roasted and browned before she sat on a stool and ground it into a powder by hand. I wanted to tell you how the rice thickened the sauce and gave it a distinct flavor, whose aroma alone made the entire day’s labor worthwhile. I wanted to tell you how, the day I was able to replicate it in this country, I cried. But before I could start you said, “Ox…TAIL?” and wrinkled your nose, and that became the end of that.

I don’t tell you about the annual floods that submerge cities and mark the years on the walls of houses whose inhabitants have come to embrace the entry of sewer water as part of the season. I never mention the skewered green mangoes bobbing in brine sold outside churches, alongside prayer books and handwoven straw fans. When we eat a small and pricey sliver of fish at a fancy restaurant, I’d rather not spoil it with stories of mornings on the shore of my father’s hometown, where young boys helped pull in the nets that their own fathers had cast into the ocean the night before. The children would wade into the water with pieces of nylon string tied to their waists. They attached one end to the net and pulled it with their bodies, the bite of the string on their skin cushioned by coral-colored flipflops pressed against their backs.

I’m afraid my own savored tales of eating whole fish or sucking on a strange fruit would be met with indifference, and maybe even aggression. I’m not trying to be exotic, I’m just missing home. I want to tell you that this is not a comparison with or a preference for that from which I’ve been severed, but merely a keyhole peep into a world I’m both trying to leave and take with me while attempting to navigate a new one.

The next time I nod and respond with a smile, I want you to please look again. You might notice that my silence is thick with a life that goes on within me even if it’s all so far away. It’s a movie that plays behind me as I watch the unfolding film up front. One day I hope to achieve a melding of the two in a continuous set of frames I cannot differentiate: the life of my past in the smells and sights of fields and food, interspersed with an equally storied present I might eventually begin to describe on my own.

Until then I might have to resort to my own way of unpacking myself like a suitcase of selected outfits and personas from my homeland, to test one by one for reactions in the new set of faces I’m trying to know. Forgive me for a while longer while I keep mostly silent, maybe talk about the weather or a news event, and when really, really pushed, say something non-threatening that cannot be misinterpreted, such as my craving for pancakes, or my love for pastrami on rye.

For her other wonderful TC articles, click here:  

the floating folly

i enjoy government politics. mom and i watched the news on miguel zubiri's "surprise" resignation in the senate and sliced and diced the intent and his strategy. twas the talk of the town virtual or not that night. the next morning, that's old news. meet christopher lao, the floating folly who toppled miguel zubiri's resignation in terms of shock value.

what's shocking is that no one dared hit that flood road except him. *hello! ano ka, visually impaired? mygawd, mukha kayang abandoned ilog na yun*

what's more shocking is him blaming everyone else for what happened to him, demanding that he should have been informed. *wow! next time, inform us to inform you :) *. 

and what's most shocking is that he is reportedly a Summa cum Laude graduate of BA Philosophy from UP, with an average of 1.169 and he is now a student of UP Law. *apparently, common sense is not taught anywhere, not even in UP*

the video is proof that with 1.169 gwa, he is still human with 0.169 error. hehe.

this is the litmus test of character. how one acts under pressure or unfortunate situation brings forth our nature. for his case, arrogance was all over the place.

could it be a product of years of philosophizing? empiricism over rationalism, where experience rules over logic. for lao to believe the flood is indeed deep, he must first experience it for himself. and then say after, "ay oo nga, malalim pala". hehe.

come to think of it, kung ako maging summa cum laude, magiging arrogant din ako. haha.

some said that his new-found internet popularity is now crossing from humorous to cyber-bullying. this is clearly tyranny of the majority. the video ranked 8th in global twitter trend, which makes me think there is something universal with the reaction he evoked from the video.  this is the virtual age. let us not play innocent as if it's the first time such a thing happened. this is the prevailing culture. so we all should be cautious.

but on one hand it's good to know that despite the Philippines, being the favorite stopover of typhoons, majority of us still has our sense of humor intact. =)

and i am not worried though about lao's demise. people will easily move on to the next folly anyway.
but for now, let me relish this. hehe. saw this fb exchange and gave me my day's dose of laughter. =)

Y: Anong bakit ikaw? Bakit ikaw ang alin? Eh sino bang tarantadong lumusong sa baha? Siraulo pala 'to eh!
X: easy... ahahaha!!!
Y: Easy?!? Bakit ako? Bakit ako? Siya! Siya ang iinform mo niyan! Bwahahahaha!
X: eh sila?! sila?! parang they were just waiting for somebody to do it, eh. ahahahahaha!!!
Y: Ahahahahaha! Bakit kasi hindi nila siya itinext!?! Ahahahahaha!
X: bakit ikaw na reporter?! hindi mo kasi sinabihan. ahahahaha!!!
Y: Sorry na! Sorry na Christopher Lao! Kung alam lang nina Jun Veneracion na lulusong ka sa baha at hindi mo marerealize on your own na malalim ito, eh di sana dun sila sa kabilang side nag-abang at nainform ka agad nila. Patawarin mo na kaming lahat. Ikaw na ang biktima.

**in fairness to him, he already said sorry. :) **

Official Statement from Christopher Lao
4 August 2011

“The past few days have been very disheartening for me and my family. As you know I have been a subject of a viral video that showed my helplessness during a trying moment. As it stands right now, I have several hate pages in Facebook and Twitter with hurtful and derogatory messages attacking my person. The reputation that I built the past years has been besmirched. A bad day has now turned into wounded feelings and sleepless nights for me and my family.

I have been silent the past few days as I want this to go away soon but not before saying sorry and thank you to people who matter.

I would like to apologize for my behavior that was seen on nationwide television and now on the internet. It was unfortunate that I was caught on camera immediately after an overwhelmingly stressful mishap.

I would like to again sincerely thank those who braved the flood to help a distraught stranger like me. Their selfless act reminded me of how dependable Filipinos are in times of crisis.

Lastly, I would like to thank my family, friends and all of those who showed empathy, consideration and support throughout these trying times. You have given me strength and courage to rise above and be a better person.”


squeeze me

since it's been all gray and gloomy lately, i have decided to combat it with color. been wearing colorful ofc clothes lately and have also painted my nails red. hehe. i don't really use red, usually black, blue purple. well i did paint my nails orange one time. but this lethargic feeling has to end now. and the situation calls for fiery red. so today i launched my new nail polish. hehe. and what do you know, the sun is out! yey!

if you're wondering why am able to blog more often lately, it's because i discovered that the network firewall in the ofc got removed. eureka! was initially hesitant to use it because it may be a trap, some reverse-psychology of sorts and then they'll track the violators. and then i realized. you idiot! you think too much! hehe. so here i am enjoying, maximizing my new-found network freedom. my early years of blogging was from a company that doesn't have restriction in the network, so i blog as i feel it. am so saya now :) i dunno for how long this will last, but i'll juice it every opportunity i can. =)


a rain of memories

When I was a child, I remember a house construction going on in our neighborhood then. The workers made this huge rectangular pit meant to be a septic tank. When the rainy season came and the pit remain untouched by the construction workers, it filled up with brown water and mud. To us kids, it was a time of rejoicing, because our swimming pool just got made. :) woohoo! We placed narrow wood planks across the pit to serve as support and of course as our diving board. We paddled, did our version of swimming in a 5ft by 6ft pool, we jumped geronimo, we splashed each other with brown (am sure dirty too) water, we threw each other mud balls, painted our face and arms with mud . We'd have a contest on who can stay the longest time deep in the water. Crazy stuff from crazy kids. We didn’t leave the pool till we were shaking, gray, wrinkled and our moms turned blue from screaming at us to go home. Good times. :)


I live in a flood prone area, so naturally the school I went to in high school is flood prone too. On my way home from school, during a typhoon (and only the grade schoolers didn't have class. Bummer), water's up to my knees. My dilemma was, do I lift my skirt and risk showing my undies or just let my uniform skirt down and let the flood water lift it up? Both options are yucky. As I continued to walk, another girl in uniform was walking ahead of me. One second she's on my sight, the next step, she's neck down with flood! WTF?! Uh-oh. She just stepped on an "imburnal" (manhole). One second I was eww! The next millisecond, I was laughing. Hehe. Twas a funny sight! Admit it! :) Sorry, schadenfreude moment for me. :D


One day in my college life, my bf and I broke up. No matter how logical I tried to be about the whole thing that's somehow meant to end anyway, I couldn’t help myself from crying. I was walking out from class to my dorm in catatonic stance. The rain started falling and I just went on walking. Soon the rain was torrential and am wet all over (not in the way you're thinking ok? Hehe). The people in umbrellas looked dumbfounded and insisted that I share in their umbrellas. I declined of course. Pinangatawanan ko na! Actually, masarap pala umiyak sa ulan. :) Later, the rain stopped, but my tears did not. And the drama queen in me was born. :)


On my first job as a programmer, my bf (again? I know. Pre-firewomyn phase. Hehe) and I got trapped in the office building because of the heavy rains. We both didn’t have umbrellas and twas late night from overtime work. The building lobby already turned off its lights. But the lights outside were all bright, putting a spotlight on how intense the downpour then. Helpless, we just slumped on the floor, scanned at the darkness around us, looked at each other, smiled, and then boom! French kissed in a public place where our only witness was the rain. Hay, good times, adult version. Hehe.


Rainy season is tough especially in Metro Manila and most especially when you commute. But I learned that as awful as the experience can be, it's a character building opportunity only if we let it. :) Uhm, if not, they're still memories to amuse us. =)


ang babae sa buhay ko

Binigyan nya ko ng tutor pagkatapos ko magkinder noon kasi autistic ako. Gumraduate ako ng kinder na hindi nagsasalita sa paaralan. Basta ang alam ko may baon akong pera, uupo sa klase, tapos uuwi. Nagka-award pa ako, "most quiet in the class". akalain mo yon?! 

Ang tutor na binigay nya, isang matandang dalaga, amoy lupa na may makapal na puting pulbos at mapulang lipstick. May makapal na grado ng salamin at may dalang  mahabang stick. Takang taka sya kasi pag-grade 1 ko, marunong na ko magbasa, magsulat, at ng multiplication, pati division. Hindi nya alam, kinukulong ako sa kwarto tapos kukurutin at papaluin ng stick pag hindi ko naiintindihan ang lesson.

Nung mga unang taon ko bilang bata, yaya ang lagi kong kasama sa bahay, sa girl scout, sa quiz contests, sa mga performances.

Pumupunta lang sya sa school pag recognition day. Bibilhan nya ko ng damit na susuotin the day before the event. Tapos memakeup-an ako ng makapal, bilang nagtitinda sya ng makeup. Madalas late kami sa event. At hiyang hiya ako lagi na maglalakad sa venue. 

Nuknukan ako ng mahiyain. Minsan, tyempong narining ko ang mahinang kwentuhan nila ng kasama nya na madami kaming utang, may kaso, wala kaming pera.  Ang pagiging mahiyain ay napalitan ng kahihiyan. Pagtitindahin nya ko ng yelo sa palengke tuwing hapon, tapos pagbebentahin ng basahang tinahi nya para may ipamalengke akong pambili ng tatlong lata ng sardinas, ng pechay. Minsan ng itlog para gawing adobo o kaya 3 noodles na hahaluan ng itlog pa rin o di kaya ay 1/4 na kilong galunggong para prituhin. Dyan lang umiikot ang tanghalian at hapunan namin. Mayaman sa protein at sodium. Hehe. 

Sa buong buhay ko, dalawang beses nya kong binilhan ng manika, isang kahawig ni barbie pero mas manipis ang buhok at nadedeform pag pinisil ng madiin at isang pinahabang voodoo doll ang itsura. 

Sa maraming beses akong sinaktan, pinalo at binato ng kung anu-ano, minsan nya, madalas ng kasama nya, lalo lang kong tumapang at hindi nasasaktan. 

Natuto akong dumiskarte at umasa sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko sya naasahan nung naghanap ako ng masasandalan.

Andaming mali sa buhay ko. Napakaraming kakulangan. Lahat sinisisi ko sa kanya. Kasi nag-asawa sya ng maling lalaki. Kasi iniluwal nya kami ng hindi sila handa. Kasi nag-anak pa sya ng madami. Kasi hindi sya naging mapag-aruga. Kasi hindi nya kami pinagtatanggol pag sinasaktan kami. Kasi mahina sya. 

Ngayon matanda na sya. Mas mahina pa kaysa dati. Pero gumigising ng madaling araw para ipagluto ako ng almusal at baon sa trabaho. Nilalabhan ang damit ko pag nakita nyang hindi ko na ito nagawa. Maingat na hinahandwash ang mga damit ko na may maninipis na tela. Pinapamlantsa ako kahit sinabi kong huwag na. Pinagbubuksan ako ng pinto kahit madaling araw na ko umuwi. Tinatanong ako kung anong gusto kong ulam. 

Hindi sya nakapagtapos kasi kinailangan na nyang magtrabaho sa murang edad. Hindi nya ko pinagtapos kasi nabuhay ako sa scholarship. Pero ang totoo, mas madami akong natutunan sa kanya, sa buhay nya.

Madami syang naging mali, pero marunong syang bumawi.

Wala Nang Hahanapin Pa
Apo Hiking Society

Mayroon siyang estilong kanya lamang
Ang kanyang pagkababae ang dinadahilan
Pagsubok sa pag-ibig walang katapusan
'Di naman daw nagdududa, naniniguro lang.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,
Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin pa.
Kahit ano'ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,
Wala nang hahanapin pa.

'Di raw nagseselos ngunit nagbibilang
ng oras 'pag ako'y ginagabi
At biglang maamo 'pag may kailangan
'Pag nakuha na ikaw ay itatabi.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,
Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin pa.
Kahit ano'ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,
Wala nang hahanapin pa.

'Di magpapatalo 'pag mayroong alitan.
'Di aamin ng mali, magbabagong isip lang.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,
Sinasamba ko siya,

Minamahal ko pa,
Walang kaduda-duda,
Wala nang hahanapin pa.

cinemalaya crushes

the back... yum!

the front... gulp! *slapping face with disbelief*
please don't look at me like that, you are making my tummy flutter :)

presenting, the sunshine in my universe. tee-hee!
*i did feel warm looking at her*

the non-celebrity with celebrities as her accessories
who btw looks way classier than her celeb gal pals

in this day and age of 5-inch killer heels, you decided to go flats.
who needs elevation when your beauty and style alone can ascend you with the stars ;)
like! like! like!
(rich asuncion in her slutty makeup and glaiza de castro in what-was-she-thinking print combo)


Train Crush 19

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?

~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella

the truth is, you are beautiful regardless. yours is the kind that doesn't need affirmation and is not for pretense. you don't have to smile or appear  interested. you can be anywhere you want to be because it won't stop me from following you. not to stalk, but to just sigh as my eyes drink the loveliness embodied in your presence.

you are the calm in this maddening rush hour. the right timing in all the missed opportunities. the lasting memory in an ephemeral moment. 

you can frown all you want and dismiss me as non-existent, but you will remain to be my Train Crush 19. =)

 she kinda looks like a more astig version of kristine hermosa right?