i have been butchered!

i used to be butchphobic.

as a personal standard, i don't want to be involved with a butch.
i know that i won't be comfortable being seen in public with one.
and i don't like the macho image that they depict.
i said to myself, that id' rather be with a real guy
than settle for a 'feeling guy'.

but one 30-min chatting time in the mall while waiting for a friend,
i managed to receive a celphone number of one young butch.
not only that, we somehow have set a date to meet,
sans exchanging pics.

i have no fear then because i gave bogus info about myself.
and i doubt if the butch would follow-up with a text or call.

so i went through with the chit-chat with my friend.
but to my surprise, the butch texted.
not only that, she even gave her home number and wanted to talk.
ofcourse, being my butchphobic self, i did not give my home number.

i did call her though. i think i'm safe as long as we're not seen together.
besides it's just a phonecall.

the conversation was short and straight forward.
i don't even like her that much, and she's also not trying to win me over.

although i'm butchphobic, i have this idea of butches that they
are sweet talkers and pursues gurls.

but this butch, is neither sweet nor pursuing.
relaying info abt herself, she does it matter-of-factly.
so i don't know how to place myself, in this femme-butch dynamics we have.

come our meeting day.
i was confident that i'll be in control of the situation,
because firstly, im butchphobic, so that makes me immuned to the pambobola,

second, i don't have to be pagurl or pacute, because butches are
not my type, so there's no need for me to exert effort to win her over,

and third, well, i can always leave her anytime with the excuse
that i have to go back to the office to do OT work.

so temporarily throwing standards away, i went to the agreed
meeting place. i needed a break from my hellish work.

she was in the dark corner of the place smoking the time away.

i hesitantly approached her.
she stood up and i extended my hand.
she smiled.
i smiled.

she's not my stereotype butch because she's slim, tall, has a soft face, funny, and charming in a sweet way.

im thankful that she did most of the talking.
she seems so open, like an open window w/ cool breeze coming in.
she's such a refreshing sight.

while i just sat there amazed, arms across my chest.
defensive stance. i kinda feel so 'tuod'.

there was one incident where i think her hand touched hand or
shoulder, can't remember which. and on reflex, i placed my arms across my chest.
she just blurted, hey, im not gonna rape you.

i was that uptight, so you can imagine.

i was actually nervous to have finally met a butch.
she just shared her eb antics, exes, friends and stuff in between puffs.

i tried smoking too. but im more of a social smoker.
so i really can't catch up with her.

one defining moment that impressed me with her is this,
her views on homosexuality is so matured and parallel with how i perceive it.

as a butch, she thinks that she is no man trapped in a woman's body.
rather, she's a woman, period.
it just so happens that her 'personality' is boyish.
and that she falls inlove with the same gender.

she has no intention of comparing herself with a man, because
it is clear with her that she's not one.

i think she got me right there.
not through pambobola, pasweet, or being pawkela.

but largely, she had me just by thinking aloud.

and that's how i got butchered.

the awakening

i just learned that loving knows no gender.
it's not the sight or the mind.
it's the heart that feels.
i say this because i met 'pare'.

i have been straight all my life. i have lots of gay friends, i even know some lesbians.
but it never occurred to me, nor have i ever imagined that i'd fall for a girl.

i didn't plan it, it just sort of happened gradually, like an evolution.
series of events that serve as preparation until you reach that level of readiness.
thus when it actually happened, it felt so natural, just right.

during my college years at UPLB, i've had two encounters with lesbians.
i was touched by the attention, but not really comfortable about it.

then when my bestfriend came out as gay, he exposed me to his world, the third world.
i find it fun, acceptable, exciting and adventurous.
after two years of hanging out with them, i somehow learned the ropes, the social dynamics.
this was mostly male gays.

when i entered a new IT company at makati i got to know, and work with lesbians.
one was the gf of a friend from UPLB, the other, a programmer too.
they're not your typical lesbians.
they're not boyish, in fact, they're very feminine looking, even sexy.
i was beginning tobe comfortable with the idea.

me and some girl ofcmates go to a lesbian bar called, ladida in malate.
we just want to have fun, we're all straights.
one lesbian from another table asked me to dance. ofcourse, i declined.
but deep inside, had i not been conscious of my straight girl friends,
i would have accepted the girl's offer.
why? curiosity, excitement and because i was flattered.

after that things got a little bit slow.
although in the office, i am often caught by guys staring at sexy female ofcmates.
sometimes, i just can't help it.
i'd say it's more of an appreciation of the female form, nothing lustful or sexual.
just pure admiration.

several months have passed, i'm back to my old straight self,
until my bestfriend, a girl ofcmate and me, spent holy week at puerto galera.

on the first night, i got so drunk, i went with a guy, a young one.
we made out on the sand.
it was alittle bit funny, because in between kisses and touching,
i was coughing out sand! hahaha! it sort of dilutes the intensity.
he was so horny, he wanted to take me to his room.
i refused, i said, i need to find my friends, because i don't know my way back to our place.
he tried to convince me, but i wouldn't budge.
it was a worthwhile experience. it was my first time in my life to be intimate with an anonymous guy.

the next night, my friends and i went bar hopping.
a lot of bars there were populated with male gays.
heck! 3/4 of the people in the island are male gays!
we went dancing, got tired, then sat on a nearby chair.

on that pause, i saw her. she's tall, handsome and fair.
i named her tisay.

acting on impulse, i stood up, went to her and danced beside them, alone.
i kept staring ather while dancing. i like her a lot.
but after sending all the signals, she hesitated and didn't approach me.
from their nonverbal cues, i deduced that the one girl in their circle is her gf.
i felt defeated. i just drank the night away out of frustration.

my friends on the other hand were shocked at the way i behaved.
it was a clear indication of my 'tendencies'.

that night was a revelation for me.
it was self-discovery.
my sexual preference was changing.
the attraction i felt for tisay was quite strong.
part of the intensity is in the novelty of the feeling.
a genuine attraction with the same sex.

it didn't feel confusing. i was not ashamed. it felt just natural.

the life cycle of my womynhood

i'm new in the so-called 'industry'.
been merely four months since that defining night.
an awakening of sorts.
but within the said months, a lot has happened.

April, i got attracted to a pretty butch, who i stalked during our stay at puerto galera. a night before meeting her, i was heavily making out w/ a guy

May, i had a gf w/c started from yahoo chat.

June, was ‘out’ in the ofc.

July, broke up with gf for reasons that merits a separate article, joined and met bisex peyups peeps

August, i've been dating. courted a femme, been courted by a butch

I bought the book ‘tibok’, the only local lesbian book available.
its tagline goes like, 'the heartbeat of the lesbian pinay’.

I kinda find this contrary to the content, because most of the stories were of pinay lesbians overseas, so the setting is of foreign heartbeat, plus needs to be further proofread, typo errors.

I surfed for websites for resources dealing of the same nature.
One I regularly visit is lesbianation
It has insightful articles.
My personal favorites are ones written by LA Vess.

Second to my list is the encounters
for my daily dose of steamy sexual stories.
Nothing beats a morning coffee than the blood rush I get from this.

My recent find was SOUL, SOUL
A locally developed site that I consider a decent site. They try to put depth in the lesbian existence from mere ‘womanizing’ or ‘pangangarir’.

I attended a few exclusive parties. Met up with others.

I’ve been studying the culture. I’ve been learning a lot since.
The lingo, the spectrum, the ‘moves’, the lifestyle, the issues, the dynamics, the people. And in the process of that studying, I learned a lot of myself.

I learned that I do find womyn attractive, enough for me to want to be physically intimate with them.

That I can love them with the same intensity if not surpassing the passion I used to feel for men.

That I feel more relaxed and strengthened when I’m with them.

That parents are always the last ones to be informed.

That there are stereotypes within the ‘circle’, like rigid role playing, and adherence to specific ‘types’.

That lesbians or womyn bisexuals are now tolerated, if not fully embraced by the conventional society.

And acceptance both of ourselves and largely, by the society, is, I dare dream, near our reach already.

a coup d' etat of sorts

the weekend was a coup d' etat of sorts.
political, emotional, hormonal, physical.

a sexual-political weekend with military state of rebellion as
backdrop, the peyups bisexual peeps convened at NY cafe in malate.

we were a gang of five women personally meeting for the first time.
err, atleast that what i thought.

there's a butch, a soft butch, a feeling butch, a confused bi and me,
a bi-femme. guess who's who!

after short pleasantries, and in between booze and smoke, we jumped right into the meat of our concerns, sexuality!
experiences or the lack of it, how one started, types, current 'careers',
encounters, and so on.

then we got antsy, the night was young and we just wanted to strike anywhere. with hormones raging, we headed to amnesiacs bar, where the action seems to be, venue for lezpinay EB.

upon entrance, the place was brimming with women, all types. and i have never seen as many lesbians as was there in my life!

finding a spot is a tough task. we had to brave the crowd to find a place to at least stand w/o being pushed around by people to and fro. but then again, pushing = brushing = friction = contact! good enough!

then there's the dance. and the dance+career. you can either be the picked-up or the aggressor.