hate. let me tell you about it. i used to be a really angry person that stems from growing up deprived, physically hurt (alternately called "disciplined"), and largely misunderstood.
as i got older, i realised how different and inferior my life was compared to many people i've met, specially in school. my standard had always been about material things (new school shoes, uniforms, flashy school supplies, fancy baon/food, etc. the list doesn't end) and the attention received from own parents. as i learn more, it struck me hard that i lacked both. so mahirap ka na nga, hindi ka pa inaasikaso ng magulang mo kasi busy sila sa pagtatrabaho at pag-aaway in between. tapos, pag napansin ka naman, na madalas may hindi ka nagawa like maglinis ng bahay or mag-alaga ng kapatid, palong masakit ng kahit anong mahawakan nila aabutin mo. pero don't worry, natuto na kong umilag hanggat kaya ko, kaya may pagka-action star din ako. hehe.
doon nagsimula ang mga kakaibang pananaw ko sa buhay. like
1. habang ang karamihan ay nawawasak ang mundo sa paghihiwalay ng magulang, ako naman ay matutuwang maghiwalay na lang sila kaysa sa away na lang ng away. magkakasama man kami sa iisang bubong na kinakalawang at tumutulo sa ulan, pero matagal na kaming magkakahiwalay sa damdamin.
2. na hindi ko utang na loob sa magulang ko ang buhay ko. kasi sila ang may gustong magka-anak. hindi ako. hindi ko ginustong istorbohin sa kawalan or pagiging kerubin (yun daw ang pre-fetus/embryo state na kwento noong bata ako) para maging katuparan sa pangarap nilang magka-anak. so para sa akin, sila ang may utang na loob sa akin at obligasyong palakihin ako ng maayos. i, thank you. ito ang foundation kaya pro-choice ako. para sa mga pro-life, subukan nyo munang mabuhay sa hindi prepared na magulang (yung mahirap na nga, hindi pa masaya, hindi pa masyado nakapag-aral tapos poor manners pa and nananakit). saka nyo ijustify ang stand nyo.
3. tama lang ang gumanti. sa dami ng palo/pambabato at pamumura sa kin mula bata ako, balang araw tatanda rin sya at manghihina kaya hindi na nya kami masasaktan. pag nangyari na yun, ikukulong namin sya at hindi aalagaan. dark i know. but that's what i really planned then. on the flipside pde rin namang gumanti ng kabutihan e. hehe. *lusot!*
galit ako sa magulang ko, sa mundo (kahit pa makamundo ako), pero for some reason, hindi ako galit sa Diyos. nagsisimba ako linggo linggo, nagbabasa ng bible minsan. naiintindihan ko ang mga turo sa church, pero hindi ko maramdaman ang Diyos. ang dating sa kin noon ay magkakahiwalay ang bagay bagay. iba ang bahay, paaralan, simbahan. pano ako magagalit sa isang bagay na hindi ko maramdaman? ganyan kasimple ang pag-iisip ko noon.
fast forward, syempre, tumanda na rin ako. at ang magulang ko ay tumanda na rin. kaya hindi na nila kayang mamalo, mahina na rin ang reflex. pero kasabay ng pagtanda ang paglawak at lalim ng pang-unawa. galit pa rin ako as expected. mas expressive pa nga. grabe magmura, magdabog, magwala minsan, maghagis ng gamit. wait! shucks! mukhang kapareho ko na magulang ko ah! nooooooo!!!!!
keep calm and think. okay, wala naman akong physically sinasaktan na ibang tao or animal. whew!
galit ako sa mga bwakanangmutherfockingcrap na taxi drivers everytime hindi ako sinasakay, or pag sinakay ako pero puro mura at reklamo at hingi ng dagdag ang ginawa at marunong pa sa kin sa kung anong ruta gusto kong daanan. magkakakotse din ako balang araw. by then traffic enforcers at kapwa drivers at mga tumatawid sa mali naman ang mumurahin ko. hehe.
galit ako sa pollution kasi madaming lakad ang ginagawa ko papasok sa work at pauwi. kasama na dito ang usok ng sigarilyo sa daan. pawisan na nga, mabaho pa ba ang peg ko pagdating sa office?
galit ako sa araw araw na sakripisyo sa prusisyon ng pila pasakay at paglabas sa tren. may isang brilliant suggestion about trains na nabasa ko sa twitter. bakit daw hindi na lang gawing isang istasyon ang mula Monumento to Taft. pagpasok mo sa tren, lakarin mo na lang sa loob. mas healthy pa daw. hahahaha! sobrang benta sa kin ng comment na to.
galit ako sa sobrang init dulot ng global warming kasi nakakapawis sa labas, nakakahilo, nakakamigraine. then pag umulan naman, galit uli ako kasi maputik, kailangan ng payong (hindi ako nagdadala ng payong), nakakasira ng sapatos, walang kamatayang traffic, at walang katapusang baha, dahil lumulubog ang ka-Maynilaan sa kaunting ulan.
galit ako pag nalelate ang girlfriend ko sa mga usapan or kitaan namin. naman! andaming nagpapakamatay makasama lang ako tapos ikaw malelate lang?! yan ang sinasabi ko sa gf ko. hehe. pero pag ako ang nalelate dapat okay lang. hehe. selfish ang tawag dyan.
at ang pinakasukdulan, galit na galit ako ng sobra na minsan gusto ko na maglupasay pag poor or walang signal ang wifi. putangnana naman! Globe, pde ba ayusin nyo serbisyo nyo at maayos naman ako magbayad! yes, kund hindi nyo namalayan, wifi is now part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, asa basic needs category sya.
masyado akong nadala ng damdamin ko kaya inhale-exhale muna. yan ang laging payo sa kin ng butihin kong girlfriend.
so when i heard of the recent "hate crime" to jennifer laude, honestly, hindi ko sya agad pinansin. kasi busy ako sa trabaho at sarili kong buhay. sa starbucks nakita ko ang napakalaking picture nya sa banner. uyy chicks! so kinuha ko, then narealize ko, oops, ito pa rin pala ang headline. sensya na, tomboy lang. mahilig sa magaganda. hi jennifer! wherever you are :)
tutal weekend naman at so far mukhang bakante naman, nagbasa-basa na ko finally. this is the issue in pictures.
jennifer is loved. soon to be married with her bf.
jennifer is obviously a hot and attractive woman. madami pa syang sexy pix. kung ako ganun kasexy, baka nag-bold star na lang ako for a career at hindi nag-opisina. she has a hot bod, no shame in flaunting them. napakanormal lang ng nakabikini.
the hot jennifer who is also a warm person per reports is now a cold body because she was killed. :(
many people went to the street to protest and seek justice for her murder.
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according to the reports, it was a hate crime. the police investigation is below.
Manila, Philippines - The killing of Filipino transgender woman Jennifer Laude was a "crime of hatred," according to the investigation report of Olongapo police.
On Saturday, October 11, Laude was found dead at Celzone Lodge in Olongapo City. An earlier police report said her head "was leaning" against the toilet bowl while her "lower body was partially covered with a color cream blanket."
Police said they saw injuries on Laude's neck. An autopsy report later said Laude died due to "asphyxia by drowning." - Rappler
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MANILA - The murder of transgender woman Jennifer Laude is clearly a case of a hate crime, according to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) group Ladlad.
Speaking to ANC's "Headstart" on Wednesday, Ladlad spokesperson Bemz Benedito expressed disappointment over what she called "blaming the victim syndrome," pertaining to the two motives reportedly being looked at by Philippine authorities in the killing of Laude.
"Lahat ng theory nilabas na nila, pero lahat it's all against the victim," Benedito said.
Laude was found lifeless inside a hotel bathroom in Olongapo City on the night of October 11. Her neck was pressed down on the toilet seat and her head was shoved into the toilet bowl.
One motive being looked into by the police is that the suspect, identified as US Marine Private First Class Joseph Scott Pemberton, got mad after finding out that Laude was a transgender woman.
Another theory is that Laude could have tried to steal from the suspect.
But according to Benedito, it is very unlikely that there was deception on the part of Laude. She said the victim never kept it a secret that she was a transgender woman, and she was also well known in the bar where she and the suspect met.
Benedito believes the suspect was aware that Laude was a transgender woman even before they went to the hotel...
But Benedito stressed that Laude's identity as a transgender woman does not give anyone the "license" to kill her.
The Ladlad spokesperson lamented that the murder of Laude is just one of many cases involving LGBTs because there is no policy in the country that protects them. - ABS-CBN News
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"Sueselbeck, in a statement posted by a television network on its website, said Laude’s family knew about and had accepted their relationship.
“I know her well. We have talked thousands of hours. Since December 2012, I spent nearly 90 days with her in the Philippines. Jennifer [had] been the most true, hopeful, and life-person I ever met in all my life. She had her childish moments. She was hot-tempered. And her feelings … were always extreme. But she was authentic,” he said.
In the statement, Sueselbeck condemned the brutality of Laude’s death, describing the suspect as “sick” and “bloodthirsty.”
He also lamented that Laude was disrespected. He vouched for Laude’s integrity, saying she was not a thief and not a sex worker.
“I will try my best to get there as soon as I can, to pay the honor and respect to Jennifer as the Rose of Olongapo, the honor and respect she [deserved] but never got from society,” he said." - German Marc Sueselbeck, Jennifer Laude's boyfriend. - Inquirer.Net
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hate crime. for me to grapple this, i had to go back to hate. that's why i started this post of what hate means to me.
and in the hope to further understand or make sense to hate crime, be fair to the accused too, i tried to imagine what i would feel if say i just learned that i am having sex or just had sex with a man (me, being a lesbian) without me knowing initially he was male. so this is me putting my lesbian self in the army shoes of the accused.
instant reaction is shock. chill will run down my spine. i'd feel disgusted, will feel betrayed, violated. i'd be mad for the deception. that i might hit the guy, throw things to him, curse him with all the vocabulary available. i'll definitely scream i think. cover my body instantly. and either confront him or scurry off because i don't want to be part of any of what just happened. i can see myself close to vomiting or may really vomit to flush my disgust out of my body.
can i kill someone due to extreme hatred? i think am not that emotionally illogical unless it is to save my life. males have bigger ego they say and due to hormones, are more physical (ergo, more violent?). so my reaction to an actual man's reaction would differ. but instinct may push me to harm the guy for deceiving me. but not to a point of killing someone. i think cases like that happen in blind rage. we've seen people kill to issues as petty as traffic or to no issue at all, but just they feel like doing it or because they think they can (power trip or high in drugs).
some of the hate comments in the jennifer laude articles:
"... para sa akin, unang reaksyon ay uupakan mo ng husto!! Aba eh, isipin mo na lang nakipagpalitan ka ng laway sa kapwa mo lalaki.... hindi ba kadiri un!!!"
"... LGBT does not deserve the "discrimination" they get from public. But then, i just find it so disgusting to see gays cross dressing as a woman..Sooo Disgusting.."
if you notice, my reactions were similar to the hate posts had i been the accused (assuming I was deceived). the reaction to deception is somewhat universal, common. up to what extent will one go? how extreme is where the variation is. would you kill? flush someone's head in the toliet bowl until the person dies? file legal charges? seek revenge in other forms? be traumatized?
reading the articles and then some, i learned:
1. so many hate posts in the comments section of the articles. it gives you the hard reality of how primitive the mindsets of some/many people. you'll cringe reading them. not because we are lgbt, but because of how poor/uneducated their arguments are. checking the hate crime coverage, they can be under verbal abuse or insults already.
2. the sex was consummated (2 used condoms). so the accused killer must have known already during the act that the intercourse was with a transgender. but he struggled emotionally (?) after as what Bemz explained in the article.
3. deception is a BIG, even fatal mistake. specially if you will be intimate, date, have some relation with a different gender (straight, non-trans, etc). time to think about disclosure for lgbt. see related article here.
4. lgbt protest is only on issues affecting us, but silent on other relevant issues or other crimes. there was one feedback that how come they are protesting for the jennifer death, but was mum when the uplb student was raped, when many others died of various causes.
5. related to #4, there is confusion in the protest cause. there is justice for jennifer and no to VFA. so some groups are riding in on the incident to push for their cause (one feedback said it's the leftist cause). as there are haters of leftists, the cause for justice on jennifer is being muddled with that. there has to be focus.
6. crime investigators/police force need to be well educated on hate crime to properly distinguish it from any other crime and not make it hate crime when it's lgbt victim. this will add to the cause of lgbt for anti-hate crime if the crimes are correcty categorized and credible.
7. hate crime law is still pending so no protection for us yet if ever. we must be careful and protect ourselves in our own ways. won't hurt bringing pepper spray, veering away from danger signs/places/people, learning self-defense, knowing whatever limited rights we have.
8. lgbt need visibility on key issues and not just be inclusive. i think some lgbt groups are doing this already, but maybe more, effective presence.
9. the world needs to know us to accept and love us. the more they understand our stories and the more people are educated about lgbt, the easier for them to integrate us as equal partners in society.
i, thank you.
and yes, i'm back. =)
