here it goes...

am happy =)
shocking i know! hahaha. maybe am saying this because i just had orgasm. hahaha again. seriously i did. and seriously i am happy. :)

amid the looming Taal volcano eruption, the panic, chaos it brings, i dare found some peace. so much that it sounds blasphemous to share am happy and at peace with suffering everywhere.

my feng shui for year of the rat warned of a not so lucky year ahead. the optimist in me is worried. tsk. yes, am still your same firewomyn full with conflict. hehe.

but it also said this is the time to meet people. seems awesome except for one tiny bit of a problem. i work from home. *scratches head* in between work i do house chores and never ending errands.because #adulting. am also not active in socmed, unless there's yet again a DDS relative I need to unfollow.

... but then one innocent looking, seemingly usual tuesday, i got a message from an ex-colleague inviting me to their masters class to be a panelist for their blockchain project (tech stuff). wow! am floored to be invited bec it's an intl school and i love the topic. after some pakipot questions (kunwari pinag-iisipan ko pa. :D), i agreed.

... and then another seemingly innocent, usual looking wednesday, a g2g friend from UP posted in our UP group (which I already muted long time ago). but on that fateful day of procrastination from hectic work, i checked messenger. she and her small group of gang are asking help/support for their Taal eruption victims relief operations.

this g2g UP friend is a very good friend of mine. but she's often overseas on her research projects as a sought after consultant (flex ko lang. hihi) so we usually hang once a year at best.

alam nyo naman ako, marupok ako sa mga nangangailangan. i have a hero mentality kyeme. so pm'd her immediately. got the details and did my own active plea for help to my network.

this relief ops is within the 14km danger zone. crazy yes. but after weighing in the pros and cons and after falling deaf to gf's warning and disapproving stance * sorry, am a bad gf =( * was still adamant to do it. * i love you gf! lookie, i made it back to you safe and sound =) *

by early morning of seeking donations, i was physically exhausted but soul's all fired up. in short, gising pa diwa ko. by this time it suddenly struck me that the delivery of goods to the evacuation site is same time and day as my panel duties at the intl school. *aghast!* fuck.

now here's a truly torn-between-2-lovers moment. i equally love both. both give me kilig to do. and both opportunities (sorry lack of a better term) don't happen often. you know you've just been working at home/living uneventfully for months and then this! come on universe! why tear me this way?!

up to the day before the events, i was bent on making both happen. am not the person to just settle or give up. am made for tight deadlines and delivering impossible projects! thought bubble: my relief ops group can go ahead then i will do the blockchain thing, right after will dash to the bus terminal and go to Batangas. 

and so i said to myself. but adulting of late has taught me of balance. at least aiming for it.

the same way no two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, i cannot defy the law of physics. i can attempt of course, but will surely fail at one.

opo. i matured. aging does that to you eventually. :) i carefully thought of it. became honest to myself and asked myself. which between the two, if i didn't do, i will regret for the rest of my life? *andrama!*

a masters class of 50 vs 500+ people of evacuees? the math is clear. and more importantly, my heart is crystal clear.

spoke to my ex-colleague. he understands. =)

at that point, spotify randomly played me this song.

"Suddenly I See"

thank you universe! i love you! *akap to all*

Suddenly I See (lyrics)

KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging…

sleepless in somewhere

tao po! :)
siguro wala nang tao dito. well, what can i expect, 3+ years ba namang ndi mag-update tapos last post may word na demon pa. hehehe. nakaka-off nga naman. the same way na if may dyowa ka and nag-MIA (missing in action) for years, babalikan mo pa ba?

i sorta abandoned this blog ever since i took some serious life decisions.  i feel awful. parang nahihiya na kong magsulat/blog after not doing it for so long. parang pakiramdam ko wala na kong mukhang maihaharap sa blog ko and lalo kung sa sinumang naliligaw pa dito. maski yata multo wala na e. hehehe.

ang totoo, sobrang pagod ko today. tired to the bone marrow and yet hindi makatulog. ayoko sanang ganito ang major comeback of the prodigal fireowomyn e. pero wala e. the same way na the prodigal daughter returned kasi wala nang choice.

well konting background, natapos ko na sa wakas ang postgrad studies ko aboard. sinwerte na nagbunga ang kawalan ko ng social life or buhay in general ng graduation with honors. naks! akalain mo yun. masaya. i was able to travel, work ng parang walang bukas. magka-depression sa sobrang hirap pagsabayin. natutong mag-keto diet for added mental acuity.

so yun nga, natapos na ang postgrad chapter ng buhay ko. bilang ganti, nagkatrabaho sa ibang bansa. opo ofw po ako sa kasalukuyan. nahirapan sa maginaw na klima kaya dinaig ang ahas sa mistulang molting ng skin, ultimo anit ko nagshed din (in short nagkadandruff ako. yuck i know). syempre nagkasakit din at ndi agad naka-adjust.

mej ok na ko sa new environment ko. ewan ko ba sa bansang to, seryosong nafeel ko ang urge na maglabas ng cleavage kahit ndi naman kalakihan boobs ko. hehehe. dito ko rin natutunan wag mag-bra at gumamit na lang ng silicon nipple cover. nakapakaliberating ng pakiramdam. there is something here in this country na i feel more woman kahit puro naman lalaki katrabaho ko bilang trabahong male-dominated ang industry na ginagalawan ko. madalas sa conference room ako lang babae.

minsang nag-mini skirt ako, nyemas, ndi makatingin sa akin ng diretso mga ka-team ko at sa waist down bumababa ang tingin. hindi sila nahihiyang magstare.

kumpara sa pilipinas kong mahal, mas onti tao and far apart ang mga buildings, bagay bagay. kailangan nagdadrive. kinaya naman ng powers ko ang mga iyan.

pero mga busy din ang mga tao, after work may kanya kanya nang buhay karamihan. or baka naman ang totoo ayaw nila ko katropa. ewan ko.

may isa akong naging kaibigan dito na taga-pinas na matagal nang dito nakatira. kaso lalake. walang choice, kasi matyaga naman syang punta-puntahan ako, at ipasyal. pero nararamdaman ko na bet nya ko kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na lesbian ako at may gf na. siguro kasi asa malayo kaya feeling nya walang bearing. mabait naman. kaso naiilang ako sa mga pahaging na i dreamt of you, ang seksi mo, ang cute mo, kinwento na ko sa nanay nya at ininvite ako ng nanay nya sa birthday. whatthe. walang ganyanan pre.

so ayun na nga, wala ako makausap ng buhay buhay dito. alam nyo naman ako, nabubuhay dugo ko sa mga kwentong pag-ibig at buhay buhay. saka mga labas labas para gumimik.

mahirap. pero i enjoy living here na rin. kaso pareho ng  napakaraming kwentong ofw, may tamang lungkot din sya. naubos ko na nga panoorin American Idol youtube videos e. ndi naman ako mahilig sa tv. naghanap ako ng lesbian activities near me, puro speed dating lumabas! halos 3x a week yata sked and week days ha. mahirap sumideline ng gimik pag work day e. sayang. siguro minsan icheck ko ano ganap sa mga ganun. pero ndi muna sa ngayon.


salamat sa blog na to na tunay na maaasahang hingangan ng saloobin. gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. kasi parang may kakwentuhan na rin habang tuloy tuloy ko lang sinusulat lahat ng maiisip at mararamdaman ko. no judgement kahit wala nang sense ang sinasabi ko. da best! no filter outpouring.

madami nagsasabi ndi na raw uso ang blog. howell papel. dedma sa uso. basta ang blog ko ay para sa puso ko. para sa virtual self-talk, unloading ng nagpapabigat sa dibdib, nagpapalungkot sa damdamin at nagpapayapa sa isipan ko.

salamat sa yo firewomyn blog. kasi binigyan mo ako ng space. ngayon pa lang i feel better na.

since i dunno really if there's anyone i can still talk to within the blog like may reader pa ba to, i will just write for myself for my firewomyn self.


dahil gumaan na pakiramdam, inaantok na rin sa wakas. kulang na naman tulog ko nito. magmamadaling magprepare for work, mabilisang ligo at ayos, no breakfast at sa ofc na magkape, then meetings na sandamakmak. loop. pero this time, feeling better and excited kasi i can kwento again tomorrow. =)

hanggang sa muli!

my hot siren

my relationship with coffee goes a loong way back. as a kid, i already drink coffee. unhealthy yes, affordable, big yes! :) i would pair hot instant coffee with pandesal. sometimes when available i put milk powder on my coffee. my inclination for latte apparently started from there. hehe. 

when starbucks started in manila, i was not an instant fan for obvious reason - its incredulous price! ubos pera. and in my quest to better health, i totally stopped drinking coffee and resorted to milo (no sugar). 

when i moved to makati career-wise, i resorted to starbucks for my comfort drink of classic hot chocolate. it didn’t help that the starbucks shop is just beside our office building. one elevator ride, and tadaa! am at starbucks doorstep. hay.

i have this very dear friend whom i fondly call shofatid, who would surprise me at work and sms me that she’s downstairs with some stuff. i’d hurriedly go and see her carrying sandwich and my favourite drink. :) i often miss eating because am very busy. so she knows i need to be fed like that. *she also did the same when i moved to another work*

am not really a heavy coffee drinker. specially when my doctor said that caffeine promotes breast cysts. hello! maliit na nga magkaka-cyst pa di ba?

when i moved to a new work, i was thankful that starbucks/coffee shops are 2 traffic lights away. however, due to the extreme pressure at work, it became a survival trip to go out, get my sniff of polluted air, and have the space outside work to just breathe and regroup. the comfortable distance was, yes, guessed it right. 2 traffic lights away. 

i have without guilt started drinking coffee again. i found my workaround via decaf! i cheat i know. hehe. it doesn’t help that i have an overseas colleague who pampers my decaf indulgence via free drinks. mornings and afternoons! lucky bitch right? :) 

the truth is, i only drink coffee at Starbucks. i have this favourite drink (hot decaf latte vanilla) which only tastes the way i want it in starbucks. i know this for a fact because i ordered the same drink specs in various shops and the  verdict remains - tastes best in starbucks. no. this is not an ad placement or paid piece for starbucks. they just know my taste.

my fave drink was added with another one (caramel macchiato), that which gf frequently orders. which after being together for like forever, i only discovered a few weeks back. true what they say, a lifetime isn’t enough to know a person. so now i piggyback on gf’s coffee order. hehe. 

there was a time gf and i dread going to starbucks. it was there when we broke up years ago. the tears that flowed that day would be enough to fill one tall drink. am glad it’s all over now.

gf and i have frequented starbucks so many times already since then that we only have happy memories from it. 

i have this huge mug gift from my foreigner colleague before which my dad kept using so i thought i’d just give it to him. but then it got chipped then in time pulverised so to speak. so i bought him this huge coffee mug from starbucks which is favourite mug since then. :) a friend gave me this stainless coffee mug with cover from the same coffee shop which my mom kept using as well, so i ended giving it to her na lang. 

when gf was assigned overseas, one of her pasalubong to me was the starbucks tumbler (?) with the country’s name. so when i went for work overseas, i also gave the same. when i don’t have anything to give for exchange gifts, i’d just dash to the coffee shop and buy a mug. nice and easy. :)

i met a starbucks manager overseas who is a friend of a colleague. close to my birthday in that country, we discussed the starbucks management and why it is very successful in manila compared to their country. as gift she gave me a starbucks shirt. which i haven’t worn yet and can’t remember anymore where i put it. hmmm…

i have a friend who had a plan to surprise a girl by dressing up as starbucks barista and deliver coffee to her. i volunteered my starbucks shirt. :) 

in business mags, I’ve read of starbucks many times and how good their management is. like being the only company to offer the highest free/subsidized tuition support to their employees. wow right? :)

recently, gf and i noticed how well made up and pretty the baristas are in general at starbucks. in this mall where we frequent, the pretty barista is preggy. so when i went to this other starbucks shop from another location and noticed the bump on yet another cute barista, i asked if makeup is part of their training. and she said it’s considered part of their uniform. whoa! how interesting and creative. that is what i pride with manila baristas compared to other countries i’ve been to. we look way better. feeling close, i further said that many baristas i see lately are preggy, looking at her bump. and she said, err, am not preggy. whoopsie! whattabooboo! i profusely apologised for being so stupid. i don’t want to die of starvation should they ban me from starbucks. i know she got offended in one tiny split second, but just said it must be her apron with her IDs, keys bulging underneath. good thing she took it like a customer service pro. hay. mental note to NEVER comment to any girl that she’s preggy no matter how big the tummy is. 

yesterday, gf and i met at starbucks to do some work. she was using her iPad, and i my macbook, facing each other. across me was the transparent glass wall of starbucks where an elevator was located. an old foreigner guy, looking like  ian mckellen was mouthing something, not wanting to stare, i just bowed down and worked on my laptop. gf sat beside me to check on my work (editing her work), she then said that guy just said muy guapa to you. i just gave gf the look. she said, "no kidding, the guy pointed at you, made the gesture to describe your tubas (head scarf) and mouthed muy guapa”. kinda creepy, but katuwa i admit. :)

you can say my relationship with starbucks is longer than that with my gf. :) and so it can’t be that i love something if it doesn’t love or support what i love. 

oct. 29, starbucks launched its first lgbt commercial. =) its ceo has openly declared its support to gay marriage last year. 

but having an ad for us lgbt is extra whip cream, extra drizzle, extra everything to what starbucks already do to its customers, cutting across markets.

thank you Starbucks for recognising the purchasing power of lgbts. for the open support. and for simply having the drinks gf and i love. 

black is the new luck

remember this tight black dress that i wore for my job interview last year? well, it's still tight and appears to be shorter now. i decided to wear it for work still because i needed something tight to hug my body, to quash any negative feelings, to flatten my tummy and to make my ass look tighter. hehe. seriously though, i needed something to perk me up. the dress got me the job, so maybe it'll do its magic again and give me something really nice.

so in a management meeting, wearing my stilletos that scream, i fashionably kick ass, i confidently sat and presented my deck. my boss questioned some of my entries. a first time. made me appear less super. in front of my team. and other managers. my ego can only mutter ouchie! fukc. fuk. cufk. fuck.

i stormed outside right after the meeting, back to my desk, fuming, quickly grabbed my wheeled and personally cushioned not-so-ergonomic chair, sat and then THUD! whattheF?! my wheeled and personally cushioned not-so-ergonomic chair at arm's length, my butt, missing it by a few inches. my tight sorry ass flat on the carpeted floor! putanaman o! *sorry, poise got crushed from where i fell*

when i tried to stand up, a sound of repeated r's came next... rrrrrriiip. ohno! my back slit! i hurriedly went to the restroom (and for the life of G, please stop calling it bathroom) to asess the damage. on my back, i can see  hint of my undies giving me the tsk tsk tsk look. i tried covering it with my winter jacket (it's THAT aircon cold in the office), but twas met with futility.

i asked for the opinion of our admin asst who has mastered the art of obscene corporate get up. even she mouthed tsk tsk tsk.

so off i went to the nearest clothes store at past 1pm. as i was walking outside the office past lunch time, i bumped into our CIO who gave me the why-are-you-going-out-on-office-hours look. i know it's just early afternoon and no stars on sight the smog covered sky, but i am convinced the stars have aligned to fuck with me the whole day.

i bought this nice printed pants for an incredulous price of P900! and a cheapo tank for P100+. P1k, the price to cover up shame. global warming toasted while crossing the street, i just pointlessly covered my head with my palm. as i was waiting for the traffic red light to shift to green, i envied the girl ahead of me who in all her feminine and poised ensemble was holding an umbrella. i stepped closer as preparation to cross the street. with my makeup melting and my palm covering my forehead from further skin damage, she turned my way and looked at me. smiled (and glowed too), with the sun behind her umbrella and in slow motion effect offered her rose smelling umbrella to me. i shyly (can you believe that?!) stood really close beside her, unsure if i should just hold the umbrella or just let her make a foolish looking girl out of me. we walked, but in my mind we were sashaying to the next street. she asked me which way i will go and turns out we're going on the same way. at that exact moment, the smog filled sky parted and revealed this clear, sunny (okay, scorching) bright sky, the birds started chirping or was it the buses honking? i swear our spirits were holding hands as we continued to walk.

she kept talking to me in English so I figured she's from elsewhere.

"are you Filipino?"
"no, i'm not from here. from thailand"
"oh that explains it. i haven't encountered one in Ayala who shares umbrellas with strangers"
...
"where's your office?"
*points to my office building*
"i live across yours." *tadadaan!*
"are you a BPO consultant?" *many foreign speaking consultants in BPOs*
"no, i'm a data analyst." *omg, she's not only kind, pretty, she's also smart*
"here's my business card. can i get your number? if you don't mind..."
"sure."
*opportunity to get her name*
"what name do i put?" * i could have continued with - to the woman who just saved my day?*
"just put Nina. my last name is very long."
"ok." *giggles* *putsa! anglande!* "'hope we can have lunch or snacks if you're free."
"sure, that would be nice."

i glided back to my office, wearing my new set of clothes, my newly inflated self esteem and my suddenly giddy heart.

i won't deny that it tasted like sweets in the shape of a love story unfolding.

part of me just died

Let us pause for a moment and pray for the repose of my toes. I wore my 5k worth of new stilettos today and they crushed my pedicured toes to death! I don't understand. I tested the shoes and they were comfy, yet when I wore them and walked on pavements and used it for a good nine hours, it felt like I hired a toe killer for a fee of 5k. 

Did I mention I also ran in them because my guy ofcmates decided to just walk back to the office from lunch while it's drizzling?! Of course am such a trooper that I just endured it all. Now am convinced "killer heels" isn't just a metaphor. And this also puts a whole new meaning to the statement, "part of me just died". I think this is what people call nowadays, tiis-ganda!   groans. 

OTistic

Sa sobrang late or early (I dunno what to call it anymore since umaabot ako early morn) ko umuuwi from work, I have this nagging feeling na threatened na sa kin ang mga security guards.

And what bewilders me so much is sa sobrang pagod ko lagi, I still have the energy to be sad. Of all the. Hayz.

Am grumpy, depressed, exhausted, short-fused, hagggard. Yes, ako na! Ang negatron, negastar, negamall, negan fox, pati nega sardines isama na natin.

pag madaling araw na at ako na lang ang tao sa ofc, napapa-reality check ako. Why is it so hard? Is this worth it? Will my epitaph read, "worked to death"?! Yikes!

Actually, I won't mind the ot as much had they only removed the network firewall. E mga korni ang boss sa min. Alila ka na nga, kj pa mga tao. Pano ko pa nyan machecheck yung nagkakacrush daw sa akin sa isang tumblr site? Naman! Bawal ba maging masaya?

Nananawagan po ako kay Universe. Please save me from this ungrateful job bago pa matuyot ang lahat ng alindog at juiciness sa katawan ko!

Sabi ni clusivol, bawal magkasakit. At sabi din ng mga kunsintidor, masarap ang bawal. Ergo, masarap magkasakit? Kaya okay lang mag-OA na overtime? Haha. Wala, sabaw na utak ko. Walang sustansya at substansya. Hayz.

top 10 things to do when bored at work

and blogs and networking sites are blocked in your network:

1. Google your name and see what appears to be your virtual popularity measure. 
    
2. Change your desktop wallpaper. if ally mcbeal has a theme song, you have your wallpaper theme. hehe.
    
3. Run the anti-virus, run scan disk, run through a checklist (if you don't have one, then make one for heaven's sake! hihi). running is a sign of busy-ness.
    
4. Organize your mp3s. i hope am not the only one who's data cluttered
    
5. Organize your digital photos. it's easy, i just load them all under one folder labeled "SORT"
    
6. Cleanup your inbox. cleanup can mean deleting what's unnecessary or if you're an email junkie, tidy them all up in their neat separate folders. by year, month, day, by sender, by importance, bisexual. haha.
    
7. See who's online on YM and chat with someone you haven't talked to in a long while. yeah, am that bored.
    
8. Unclutter your table. usually, when people do this, i suspect the person as resigning soon or to be fired soon. why the hell would you clear your desk if you plan on staying. it's almost saying goodbye. unless it's bidding adios to your boredom. :)
    
9. Google "what to do when bored at work". the height! i do this all the time. when i'm stressed, i google, "what to do when stressed". my thought process is my problem can't be so new or unique that somebody else must have experienced it and blogged about it already. simple yeah? :)
    
10. Do your accounting, expenses, see what's left and discover to your horror that you're negative. ugh. so go back to #9.

From my aimless surfing, i discovered these two wonderful sites:

 

• zenhabits - interesting  and makes you think posts. i started doing "work while standing" from a post i read here. you know that full to the neck feeling after a heavy lunch break? but you have to sit and work come 1pm? the good news is, you can still work while standing. did this and removed bloat while still productive at work. really cool!

• wouldhavesaid - pure genius, the creator of this site. there is so much to tell but can't due to countless excuses. now you wouldn't have the excuse. i think this one's therapeutic. :) we can even come out here first! :)

Makati Sigh(t)ing

to solve the perennial travails of commuting, you can choose from three things. live near where you work or work near where you live. still no can do? suck all the suffering in and rant about it in your blog daily! hehe.

i commute around 4 hours (to and fro) to work. it's literally the daily grind. but i wouldn't want to work anywhere else in manila than in makati. it has consistently sated my need for beauty, every working day. that's how spoiled i've been. sometimes too many, too fast that i am left inept to take a shot and i want to hit myself afterward.

when the song Empire State of Mind became the anthem of everyone (even those remote to NY), and when Sex and the City2 movie was released,  i quickly equated Makati as the local NY.


did i tell you i love makati? yeah, big time! :D

here's one shot (yesterday) at the makati underpass when for once, my reflex didn't fail me. hehe. i had this nagging feeling we work in the same building. as i was following her, hoping to confirm it, she stopped at starbucks and i appeared for a few seconds, jilted by an imaginary lover, my mouth still gaping.

i can't help feeling whimsical about this pic.

perfect theme song for my encounter - there's part of NY and my favorite, train.  =)

Somewhere in Brooklyn (Bruno Mars)

*bruno mars is part filipino. coolness!*

She was covered in leather and gold
Twenty one years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there

Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn
She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

Little miss perfect sitting at the train stop
Red nike high tops listening to hip-hop
While we were waiting started conversating <- that's not a word
Before I got her name along came a train

(uuuuuuuh) next stop Brooklyn
(uuuuuuuh) now I’m lookin’

She was covered in leather and gold
Twenty one years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn
She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

On the street kickin rocks circling the same block
Green form flatbush checking every corner shop
Tappin’ people’s shoulders askin if they know her
Everyday’s the , it's back to the train

(uuuuuuuh) next stop Brooklyn
(uuuuuuuh) I'm still lookin’

She was covered in leather and gold
21 years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn
She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

Oh-oh-oh-oh
I wonder if we’ll ever meet again
Oh-oh-oh-oh
I wonder we we’ll ever meet again
Yeah I wonder if we’ll meet again
I hope we do somewhere in Brooklyn

imagination at work

Will be in a whole day work planning something today. Was hoping to catch some train crush for inspiration, but no luck. Tough. As I was walking to the hotel hallway, my inspiration struck me big time!

Some 4ft by 2.5ft in dimension (will post tonight) of a painting. I guess won't miss you ladies that much today. :) tee-hee! Later dearies! :)

i wanted to look closely/touch the painting on its erogenous point, but it might weird out my colleagues. already got curious stares when i took its pic.

i love the painting and would be apt in the bedroom. imagine seeing it every night at the foot of the bed, while spooning with your partner. a magnified symbol of womynhood, with delicate velvety folds and a shyly peeping female phallic symbol.

looking at it will really be inspiring at the same time enlightening.

i think there would be less disagreements if this is hanging in the house. for heated arguments would turn to heated fluid exchange settled with passion.

looking at it then will be relaxing at the same time energizing.

it would also be a good conversation piece for guests in dinner or parties. there would be layers of meaning, some artistic, some obscene. some may not totally get it, but will still feel unexplainable sensation at the sight of the painting.

thus looking at it will be exciting at the same time thought provoking.


soo, care to join me in stealing this painting? =)

a mouse that isn't

will you be able to work if your mouse is like this?

sorry to disappoint ladies, but this mouse is just a conceptual design and was not actually manufactured. my question now is,

WHY THE HELL NOT ???!!!

the job interview

I haven't done job interviews in a while. Been with the same company for years. I'm what you can call a passive job hunter. Am not really actively seeking another job, but if a headhunter or a recruiter approaches me of a potential job, I'd entertain it.

The advent of LinkedIn made things easier. Sorry Jobsdb and Jobstreet, but LinkedIn is the new Facebook! :D  As Fortune magazine succinctly puts it, "If you don't have a profile on LinkedIn, you're nowhere."

LinkedIn is just publishing your professional credentials online. You can link your blog, shoutout (ala-FB), connect to your colleagues (past and present), have career recommendations from your bosses/peers, post books you've read/reading and recommend them thru mini-reviews, join a multitude of career fora and groups, etc. In a nutshell it's a professional network.

The good stuff happens when headhunters/recruiters search for candidates and contact you. What's revolutionary for me with it is that, you just sit, wait and go on with your life. Unlike before where you search for job postings, and submit your CV. Its target market are the ones like me who's not that desperate yet to search for jobs, but open to opportunities.  

With LinkedIn, I get direct interaction with the recuiters/headhunters. They contact you then send details of the opportunity, hoping to find a match and then schedule interviews.

My job interview earlier was a product of the above swift process. I met the headhunter in a coffee shop, he asked about my work, including my desired compensation. He told me about the opening, introduced (more like hard sell. hehe) the company. When I confirmed my interest, he scheduled me for the interview that was supposed to be marathon type. Yes, marathon is such a fad these days that even company processes as recruitment are fashioned the same way.

Marathon means, all the interviews will happen in one day, thus I had to take a leave from work.

Gf told me to power dress, headhunter told me to come in early. I did both and even reviewed on my technical stuff.

After waiting at the reception area for 30 nerve-wracking minutes, the HR officer came, only to have me answer a psychological test. Whatthe?!  Ohwell, I'd also like to know how my psyche measures up. I was done with the test in 5min. The HR officer re-appeared after another 20minutes. Geez! Now I know why they call it marathon. They pace things to actually complete in one day. At the rate they're going (which is below slow), I may actually be done night time. The HR officer, who looks stern pretty and a new graduate, interviewed me. Now I know this is going to be a breeze. Hehe. After we talked, she said they'll just contact me again for the next steps. WTF just happened? I complained about the disconnect, told her about the marathon thingy. Only then did she explain that the VP and Sr PM  had an emergency and flew out of the country. Neat! J-u-s-t g-r-e-a-t-. They demand me to go on a whole day leave from work, power dress, only to be interviewed by an intern-looking HR officer?! I felt insulted.

To make things worse, as the intern was escorting me back to the reception area, I saw an ex-officemate from my current work!  Who as it turned out, works there already. Of all the place! Aaargh! I had to do damage control and did something unnatural from me - I made chika to her (we didn't talk in our ofc then).

I doubt if she'll keep her mouth shut, but at least I tried. I texted the recruiter and complained about the non-marathon interview. He called, apologetic and explained the same thing the intern-looking HR officer told me. To make amends, the next interview (because I passed the HR interview *yahoo!*) can be done thru phone. Fine. Fair enough. I passed. Yey! =)

thanks for all those who wished me luck! :)

sakit-sakitan

Wednesday
Aaaarghhhh! @#$%^&* Galit ako sa big boss #1 kong walang awa. Dami daming pinapagawa kala mo wala nang bukas. Tapos, kahit anong organize ko ng schedule ko, pag may sinabi sya, kait hindi masyado urgent, dapat unahin! Kaya naman thanks to her, tumatambak na labada ang work backlog ko. Kala mo trabaho lang ang buhay ko. Sana maisip nya na normal akong tao, na may personal life at love life (naks!) na dapat alagaan at bigyan din ng oras. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay maiintindihan ni jowa kung bakit mas madalas nauuna ang trabaho kesa relasyon namin.

Thursday
Dahil dyan, may sakit-sakitan ako today. Hehe. Filed for sick leave because am a little sick (nasty headache) and also because I have job interview later. :) I used to feel guilty about being absent for work to seek other employment. But since am treated like crap, I feel it's my moral obligation to myself to give it the best employment condition available. So I think it's just fair. Wish me luck! =)

grrl interrupted

big boss #1 is in the office, but doesn't seem to know i exist. big boss #2 was absent today, big boss #3 is out as well (yes, i have 3 big bosses, so matrix of an organization). i jokingly emailed gf that fresh from the inauguration fever, i am today's commander in chief at our team. hehe.i said to myself, finally some peace and quiet with no almighty breathing at my neck.

was meaning to blog something different tonight. but my boss #2 had me babysit her project today on top of my two other projects plus a training i need to conduct same day. she's online, so she kept firing orders at me via IM. as if that's not enough load for the day, she also requested that i send a mega-report consolidating all the projects metrics and updates (with dependencies on other teams).

wtf is she thinking? i know i'm good, but i'm not superwomyn good! PLUS, am only getting paid half from what she's getting, so why is she making me do her effin job and also bent on making a slave out of me?? aargh!

anyhoo, because am pissed, i objected about the report because it doesn't make sense to me. analysis-wise, it's not time-based, thus in my mind, they can't do multi-dimensional data analysis from it. i didn't get any email reply anymore.

on my way home, she sent an sms saying she can call me to explain what she needs. fucker! the hell she will. i dedma'd the sms and ranted about it to gf. gf was sensitive enough to treat me for dinner and gave me my fave strawberry milk shake. =)

after resting a bit at home (this time i did not hugas the pinggan), against my will, i did the freakin-doesn't make sense-report. i actually just finished. hay. and i don't feel good being a sell out for doing something against my better judgment. the corporate world does have a knack for obliterating one's ideals somehow.

minutes later, she replied saying it's a good report. duh?! i think she's saying it's good because she got what she wanted. but i earnestly think her boss, big boss #0 in US will just dismiss it because it doesn't answer what i think he needs.

i hate them because they're inconsiderate. they say good work is paid with -- more work! yikes! and she'll still be out till tomorrow. i'm deep in the pit. haay. so the life of a lowly office slave continues tomorrow.  hayy uli.

boss from hell vs firewomyn

it's monday! how best to start the week but thru my regular dose of abuse from no other than boss from hell. :)

what was i thinking actually having a fantasy on big boss and her big boobs from my day one of work?? i mean seriously, how can i not see beyond that bosom. that the body to which those wonderful breasts are attached to is from the devil. nope, not the classy type who wears brands the likes of prada. it's the devil with cheap taste. ugh.

for today, i must have done something interesting because her voice was a notch higher when she directed to me her profanities and words meant to belittle me.

"you should change your title from project manager to project leader instead!" looking all mad and smug.

err was that a compliment laced with insult? or a downright insult? because she's boss from hell, it sure was meant to be an insult.

but since she's not as articulate as i am, and not a graduate of UP, she actually made the insult mean the opposite without her realizing it.

c'mon, aren't leaders socially/politically above managers? puh-lease. can't that particular boss from hell do better than that? hay, such a waste of my time.

i don't know what got into me today, but instead of my usual acquiescent self, i found the voice to rebut and fight her every argument tooth and nail. of course all delivered with calculated poise. the rest of the meeting attendees surely hate me now for dragging the meeting longer than necessary. but i won't let that boss from hell stomp on me like that.

after that heated debate (felt like that) in her office room, i'm twisted whether to report to my supervisor that i felt violated by her downward/far from constructive demeanor against me. no one that i know of actually went against the boss almighty.

if i report her, my supervisor might not even escalate and just tell me i'm being sensitive.

if i report her, my supervisor will tell big boss from hell, and i will get hell's fury most definitely!

if i report her, boss from hell will be forced to talk to me and i will be forced to fake listening to her. and we will be forced to fake a truce. the feeling of disgust is obviously mutual.

if i report her, i will from then on have a bull's eye target on my back for the next sack. one mistake and boom! i'm out!

gosh, can't she just die tomorrow so i won't need to report her? can't it be easy for me for once please?

i take comfort in the fact that we're of opposing teams and if she's from hell, then i must have heaven on my side. hah! beat that!

the tale of going home early

maaga ako pumasok sa office. syempre, gusto ko maaga din umuwi. i came in 45min earlier, cut short my lunch break by 30min, took dynamo vits to pump me for a grueling monday. ate my breakfast while working, as in rice and ulam ha. hehe. soo construction worker of me. i did my pareto list (Pareto principle: focusng on the top 20% of the causes will fix 80% of the problems) so that i expend effort on where it's most needed. needless to say, i'm all geared up to go home early. target: 5:30pm.

i can stand tons of work except for two things: long meetings (anything beyond 30min) and menial/manual work.

for the most part i feel meetings beyond 30min is a waste of my valuable time. so i always bring my planner/notebook, fake attention and do work while in a meeting. before, i bring my laptop but others get bothered by it or was i too obvious in doing something else then? anyhoo, notebook/planner is more discreet. i attempted in the past to put order in the meeting i attend by asking for an agenda and butting in if people digress. but that show of aggression/assertion earned me the ire of the almighty bosses. so i kept it to myself. later they brought it up to me that i don't speak that much in meetings anymore. so i said, there is nothing to say, there's no agenda, many topics don't concern me. my boss said, if i want order in meetings, i can gather the topics and come up with the agenda. yeah right! your idea, your work! that's how it freakin operates. i did that but people always say they don't have anything new to raise, come meetings, topics just mushroomed as if somebody peed on the carpet. fast forward, i stopped caring. i'm in it for the money and i make sure my ass is covered.

menial work. coming from a web development background, i was appalled to learn that people in the office live by thru excel formulas and macros. wtf?! is this the roaring 90s? geez. i mean, there are far more sophisticated ways to do things. the other side of it is that i know no excel macros. never found the need to do so when i have the web server and visual studio at my fingertips. but as devolution goes, i had to retro-adapt. those excel spreadsheets are connected to another manual hell, portal with excel-looking tables (sharepoint sites) that crawls the pace of snail.

i get bitch fits every time network is slow, because i get suffocated with slow connection. i think i can really have hypertension attack caused not by slow oxygen flow in the brain, but due to slow network bandwidth to my laptop.

we have this tool in the office. it would have been grand if it automated atleast 50% of the work, but it only did 20% i think. so at the end of the day, my fingers crackle due to too much typing/clicks out of agonizing labor.

those two things weaken me. so i would avoid them if i can. for today though, no escape. i had two meetings that started late. grrr! while i plan my day carefully, others don't. not only were they late, meetings went overtime. the big boss doing her usual rants and usual monologue of woes. as if i care or even listening.

no use bitching about the things i can't control so i just let my pareto list lead my day. salvation. :)

brownout happened around 4pm, not perturbed was almost done by then. and was just waiting for updates from other people for my status reports. however dependencies limit my actions and 5:30 became 6pm. not bad still.

i went out of the building with the sun still out. it felt like eye-squinting brightness. i imagine my skin would burn ala-vamp. everything felt surreal. surreal, but happy. honest day's work completed as planned.

hey, i can get used to this. :)

exsqueeze me

found a few of my old drafts -

After our major fight, when I learned to take after myself, I started going out with friends, and making new friends. This is good, I said to my self. I'm seeing other people other than her. I'm establishing relationships again. And I am actually having fun with friends, and my self. :) it's been a long while since I felt this… this feeling of community.

I get to hear other people's stories.

I used to be a people person. I forgot when I stopped being one. Last I checked, I'm a work person, who's good at delivering results and completing projects. The long and short of it, I'm a workaholic. I've been yakking abt how unhappy I am with my work and that it severed my social life. But the truth is, I thrive at work. And I often choose work over people. I got bored with people. They don't excite me. I don't blend with them. They are complicated. I don't dig them or I don't want to … get involved.

But then suddenly your world crushes. And the only 'people' in your world don’t want to see you anymore and don’t want to be with you.

And then you look for people. Because dammit, misery loves company.

And I don’t have people.

Because I'm not a people person anymore :( I've turned workaholic.

But my misery doesn’t want work as company (pun not intended).

It wants people as company.

Misery wants or needs the complex stuff.

And being broken, shattered and devastated me, I looked for people.

I need company. Not the work company which I thought was all I'll need, but the company that bores me, that doesn’t excite me, company that's complicated.

I think non-workaholic (normal) people call it friends.

nauseous

I think I'm gonna vomit with what I'm doing. I really don't want to do this laborious task of manual stuff.

There really is truth in the expression, "nasusuka na ko sa ginagawa ko". I never imagined it translates to the literal. Here I am, working 5hrs on a task so manual that my fingers are groaning carpal tunnal syndrome. Ugh.

Omg, so this is how it feels to be a laborer. So much for my prestigious job title. Pay is good. Work is crap. Aaargh!

Grammar sins

I interviewed an IT applicant this afternoon. From the way he flutters his eye lashes I can already confirm that he's gay. So I had high expectations of him.

He appeared confident, spoke audibly. But as I probe further on his gut. Haha. I mean as I probe further on his answers, grammar lapses surfaced. Ugh. As an interviewer, I have to make the applicant feel comfortable so that the answers will not be skewed by nervousness. For this applicant's case, he is confident as any loud gay can be. How confident? He is wearing his pants very tight (thinking that he's model slim) that it pushed his belly outward. Picture a lollipop. :)

He spoke in english as if his grammar is correct with occasional tagalog interjections. Voice never once faltered. Just a few more minutes and I swear he would burst into a Paul Potts number! With a spotlight to boot.

Here are some of his famous lines for your torture. Hehe.

o Limited deadline
-I think he meant tight deadline

o Conduct reports
- Should be generate reports

o After all along
- Haha. The incredulity in his story. "When all along"

o A certain things
- Drop the 's' honey

o I just pass it by
- When asked what he did with his demanding and moody foreigner boss

o most highest
- from a dlsu graduate last thursday. that's what i call superduperlative! haha.

work out

i have finally liberated myself from office misery.
i have removed my backlog and sent 'em to my almighty boss, accepting whatever consequence may result.
and it's out there.
no more looking back, just living ahead.
the ball is in his court.

so far, nothing career changing effect has happened yet.
but if ever it does, i'll be okay.

my friend and gf have finally convinced me that it is normal and right to look for other opportunities even if you're still committed to your current work.
i have been battling with that decision for the longest time.
being part of management, i always thought that it is betrayal to seek greener pasture elsewhere when you're still connected with a current job.
that it is unethical.
and the only just way is to officially resign, leave the company, then (only then) hunt for the next job.

but as everyone i know pointed out, reality doesn't work that way.
you only leave once you have secured yourself with a new job.

is it just me or them?

i have staunchly tried to be firm about my beliefs.
but as i continue to be unhappy and restless, the prospect of a new beginning, a reset, is twisting my hard held notions on work ethics to bend with reality.

each day that i say my mantra, 'may mas okay pang iba', i get more convinced.

this ethical dilemma at work makes me wonder if the same applies in relationships.
i have always been the type who never gives up, until the other person gives up on me. i am this stubborn and dreamy and stupid a lot of times.

i always hoped that things will turn out ok in the end.
at least you can't blame me for not trying.
that's why when it ends, it truly is the end. no encore, no ellipsis.
it is with finality and no turning back.

thus, i can't apply the common rule that 'you must first have a fallback before leaving the present' in my relationships.
i'm into single-minded approach.
in other words, naka-helmet ako.

you can say, my values are the same when it comes to work and relationships.
i struggle and do my darn best to make things work, exhaust all options to save and stay.

and if after everything i still fail, i leave.
carrying no baggages, just memories and lessons learned.




parting shot: in organizing my messy life, i started with something doable and achievable. like my desk. my favorite school/ofc supplies, pens and pencils! :)
this is my first time to have a pen/cil holder. and i've ached between transparent plastic theme or aqua. color won over. so i'm planning to have aqua theme on my table :) in time for summer. hehe.

btw, in case you're interested, learned this in "how to simpify your life" by tiki kustenmacher.

my brutal truth

How do I begin when my career feels like ending?
Mistakes are hard to swallow, much more if other people points it out to me.
*goddamn pride*
With so many errors committed,
I don't know how to redeem myself.
"good to great" book says confront the brutal facts,
And have the optimism that things will still turn out ok.
Gulp!
I pray its gospel is true or applies to my predicament.
3 months from now will be m evaluation again.
I already know that it won't look good.
Just worrying abt it gives me nightmares and tension already.
I'm scared. Ashamed. And face flat on the floor down.
Sabi nila, when you're down, there's no way to go but up.
Sounds easy specially when you spit that quote to another person.
But when it's myself down there, I feel lost.
How can I move up when I feel paralyzed in this quagmire?
I'm trapped in a state of negativity which is causing my depression.
How I wish nagyoyosi ako or tumotoma, that way I can just smoke or drink away this suffering.
I'm scared. I'm ashamed. Down. And I need help..
I'm writing in my newly bought notebook.
It's a cheap shot for a restart.
I don't smoke nor drink (heavily).
But I write. Occasionally.
On moments of depression, desperation, inspiration.
2 out of 3.
That's why it has to be a new notebook. :)