mabuhay ka!

I have a problem. I want to save the world. And I can't. I want to help people, but just don’t have the means to do so.  As my good friend succinctly put it, "Unfortunately, your bank account is not as huge as your heart (for now)." am particularly affected by two people because these are very good/nice people.

Among all the people I gave money to/helped, they are one of the most deserving of support and second chance. One is a woman who was a childhood friend from a church group I belonged to then. I learned that she didn’t graduate college for lack of funds, got married early to a good-for-nothing guy, has 3 kids now, separated with the guy, re-united with a childhood sweetheart. after 2 yrs, the guy turned out to be married also! And had fed her with lies. So she's back to her parents' house, trying to make ends meet. I just saw her in the neighborhood while I was aimlessly walking at the market. I didn't recognize her. She just called my name and was surprised that it was her. Life had not been that kind to her. She proudly shared though that her eldest who studies in a public school (where I also studied in elementary, she went to a private school) was a chess champ. :) as I was walking home, I got this resolve to support her son's studies. Err, once I've raised the funds. I texted her that I want to talk to her about something, but didn’t get a reply.

I got a text though from my sister's ex-bf who had an accident years ago and has become paralyzed because of it. He greeted me good afternoon and I asked how he was. In so many words after several sms exchanges, he shyly asked for help because he and his brother and mom moved out to leave their abusive dad. They are currently living with an aunt and needs money for an apartment to rent. His ofw brother's remittance was delayed. He is a very good, responsible guy. Breadwinner in the family, cheerful. I treat him as family. The accident happened when his co-workers asked him to join an overnight swim in cavite. In the height of their fun, he thought of using the slide head first. his head hit the pool floor and was unconscious. They transported him to manila and we all rushed to the hospital. He's a very hardworking guy who started working young. I don’t blame him for trying to be a kid and have fun on that unfortunate moment.

Due to lack of money, he wasn’t able to continue with his therapy, thus he still can't walk nor sit up without aid. He remains cheerful though and full of fighting spirit. I told him, that I don’t have the funds, but will definitely save up for it. And just showered him with encouragement. He said that I should not worry, because he has no plan of giving up. My heart swelled with pride for this guy. And told him just that. He was very surprised and didn’t even believe me. He said, "wala naman akong nagawa." it was then my turn for disbelief. I honestly told him why I am proud of him. "Kasi responsible ka. Nagsikap, nagtrabaho ka para sa pamilya mo. mabait,  masayahin, magaan kasama at kausap. Matapang at matatag kahit madaming problema. Hindi ba kaproud-proud ang mga katangian na yan? Nakakabilib kang tao."

I continue to question why bad things happen to good people, specially those who didn’t have had a chance to comfortable life yet.  I often hear of good karma, but while I believe in it, it sure does take its sweet time in fulfilling its work. Thus my heart grieves.

I've recently heard from the news a woman killing her husband, a teen-age boy killing another boy and then himself. While others struggle to survive, some can just easily end lives. I wonder why in all the hardships I experienced I never once thought of killing myself. Sure, I did hurt myself at times, but not with an intent for death. Then I realized it's because I want to live to see the day that things will be fair and right, if not for me, at least for the people I care for. I want to meet good karma, introduce and share her to my friends, live with her and be with her till we're old and gray.

Masarap mabuhay hindi lang para sa sarili, kundi mas lalo para sa iba.

mons pubis

I had a dream. I was lining up for food/drink of three kinds placed on three separate tables. The offering was salt on one table, tequila on the second table and lemon on the last. When the line cleared up on the lemon table, I hurriedly went to it. Then suddenly, I felt a sensation on my mons pubis, like somebody's touching, rubbing it. I woke up. The feel of the hand that touched me still in my memory. When I opened my eyes, room still dark, I saw a guy (whom I used to call tatay) beside the bed squatting on the floor, looking at me. I quickly sat and screamed, "ano'ng ginagawa mo?!” he calmly said, "umuungol ka, binabangungot ka. tanga!", then motioned to stand up to leave. In my daze, I asked, "bakit mo ko hinahawakan dun?!” in my half-awake memory "I think" I remember him saying, "wala na kong mahawakan". Something to that effect. Stunned. My phone vibrated. "gising ka na?" my jogging buddy's sms. I replied to her and shared what just happened. I also sms'd a couple of people about it.

I woke up/awaken 4:56am, her sms came 4:58am, my phone alarm was set at 5am. The four damned minutes that will stretch to sleepless nights pillowed in fear. 

Please don’t make me dream again.

********

Since I just woke up, I can still remember my dream and I know I was not having a nightmare. How can lining up for tequila drink count as nightmare?! Unless they ran out of drinks. I didn’t reach that part of the dream yet. So I am sure in my conscious state that I was not "binabangungot".

And assuming I was, won't you turn on the lights? Shake the person and act with sense of urgency? Not with calm, in pitch dark and certainly not have time to reach for something below the belt.

Hindi ako tanga.

********

I have been violated. In my mind I rationalized, at least I was not raped. But that doesn't dismiss the fact that the act happened. I have been violated. What’s more violating is that I have to repeat the scene over and over in my head to dichotomize what's dream and what's real.

Since what happened close between my legs happened between my asleep and awake moment, the memory gets blurry the more I recount it. My first sms of it was the freshest memory of what I think actually happened. The more I try to recall, the more I am unsure. Was it a dream? But he was right there when I woke up! Was I sure? I can faintly remember him removing his hand. But can't determine with certainty if I actually saw it touching my body. But the sensation of the hand invading my body haunts me no end.

********

What I think happened made me doubt my worth. Like am not worthy for anyone anymore. :(

********

I initially wanted to tell my sisters and mom. My mom was out on vacation then. But then, since I am uncertain of the details, I don’t want to cause uproar over something unclear. Thus, I figured it best to confront him about it. Was meaning to catch him, but he's often drunk if not locking himself in their room. I talked to my mom about them and she said, the man apologized to her from their last fight and have been kind to her. My mom was obviously happy of the change. I wouldn’t want my mom's new-found happiness become short-lived over something I haven't figured out.

********

Seeking the opinion of some people, I thought am okay. Like we've bled the situation dry and am sick of it. But come night time, I surprisingly get conscious of my sleeping position, pillows and blanket to cover me. And without warning, my chest would tighten and my eyes would well. I think I lost weight these past weeks with all the crying I did. So much that when I saw an ex-ofcmate the other day, she exclaimed, "ang payat mo na! anong nangyari sa yo?!" fuck her! I didn’t respond. But my mind quipped, "mataba ka lang". I've always been slim so I dunno what she's horrified about. The dress I was wearing must have made me look skinnier than usual. Mental note not to wear that goddamn dress again.

********

One morning when I decided to sleep longer than usual (and be late at work) to make up for all the sleepless nights, I saw a glimpse of him hesitantly at the door checking if somebody's in the room. I know he usually turns off the lights in the house to save electricity. But noticing that I was still in bed, he didn’t come close anymore. For a moment there I felt a pang of pity for the man. I think he intentionally avoided me given my reaction. And he appeared smaller than before. For once, I think I saw him stoop. And I am sorry for him.

********

I hate it that am soft hearted. And weak.

********

After processing what happened for weeks and still remain unsure, I have decided to stop this suffering and just let go. Of the pain, the bad thoughts, of being a victim. I just woke up and felt this surge of intensity to reclaim my life, my right to live it the way I want it. I am ready to move on, not forgetting, but forgiving and being more careful now.  To forgive is to be free. And I am now free.

********

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

During these past weeks of struggle, I'd like to sincerely thank three people who've helped me find my way to sanity.

A - there are no perfect persons, only perfect timing. Thank you for being with me immediately after. The whole day adventure you dragged me into was just what I needed then. I know the madness of a life I have is something remote to you, but still you tried. I think you said it best, "Ano'ng magagawa ko?"

B - all I needed to say was, "can we talk now?" and you said, "wait, will just shower" (even though you haven't had a wink of sleep yet). Thank you for making it easy for me, for not needing to laboriously explain. For combating my emotionality with your cold case approach.

C - you are a living testament that I can surmount this.  Your encouragement and honesty helped me make sense of what was wrong in my victim/loser-mode perception.  I never thought I'd say this, but thanks for that painful slap. :)

********

I initially didn’t want to post this, but I feel that others may have had the same misfortune. And so, this is me telling you - you are not alone.  And I am here for you.

ang babae sa buhay ko

Binigyan nya ko ng tutor pagkatapos ko magkinder noon kasi autistic ako. Gumraduate ako ng kinder na hindi nagsasalita sa paaralan. Basta ang alam ko may baon akong pera, uupo sa klase, tapos uuwi. Nagka-award pa ako, "most quiet in the class". akalain mo yon?! 

Ang tutor na binigay nya, isang matandang dalaga, amoy lupa na may makapal na puting pulbos at mapulang lipstick. May makapal na grado ng salamin at may dalang  mahabang stick. Takang taka sya kasi pag-grade 1 ko, marunong na ko magbasa, magsulat, at ng multiplication, pati division. Hindi nya alam, kinukulong ako sa kwarto tapos kukurutin at papaluin ng stick pag hindi ko naiintindihan ang lesson.

Nung mga unang taon ko bilang bata, yaya ang lagi kong kasama sa bahay, sa girl scout, sa quiz contests, sa mga performances.

Pumupunta lang sya sa school pag recognition day. Bibilhan nya ko ng damit na susuotin the day before the event. Tapos memakeup-an ako ng makapal, bilang nagtitinda sya ng makeup. Madalas late kami sa event. At hiyang hiya ako lagi na maglalakad sa venue. 

Nuknukan ako ng mahiyain. Minsan, tyempong narining ko ang mahinang kwentuhan nila ng kasama nya na madami kaming utang, may kaso, wala kaming pera.  Ang pagiging mahiyain ay napalitan ng kahihiyan. Pagtitindahin nya ko ng yelo sa palengke tuwing hapon, tapos pagbebentahin ng basahang tinahi nya para may ipamalengke akong pambili ng tatlong lata ng sardinas, ng pechay. Minsan ng itlog para gawing adobo o kaya 3 noodles na hahaluan ng itlog pa rin o di kaya ay 1/4 na kilong galunggong para prituhin. Dyan lang umiikot ang tanghalian at hapunan namin. Mayaman sa protein at sodium. Hehe. 

Sa buong buhay ko, dalawang beses nya kong binilhan ng manika, isang kahawig ni barbie pero mas manipis ang buhok at nadedeform pag pinisil ng madiin at isang pinahabang voodoo doll ang itsura. 

Sa maraming beses akong sinaktan, pinalo at binato ng kung anu-ano, minsan nya, madalas ng kasama nya, lalo lang kong tumapang at hindi nasasaktan. 

Natuto akong dumiskarte at umasa sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko sya naasahan nung naghanap ako ng masasandalan.

Andaming mali sa buhay ko. Napakaraming kakulangan. Lahat sinisisi ko sa kanya. Kasi nag-asawa sya ng maling lalaki. Kasi iniluwal nya kami ng hindi sila handa. Kasi nag-anak pa sya ng madami. Kasi hindi sya naging mapag-aruga. Kasi hindi nya kami pinagtatanggol pag sinasaktan kami. Kasi mahina sya. 

Ngayon matanda na sya. Mas mahina pa kaysa dati. Pero gumigising ng madaling araw para ipagluto ako ng almusal at baon sa trabaho. Nilalabhan ang damit ko pag nakita nyang hindi ko na ito nagawa. Maingat na hinahandwash ang mga damit ko na may maninipis na tela. Pinapamlantsa ako kahit sinabi kong huwag na. Pinagbubuksan ako ng pinto kahit madaling araw na ko umuwi. Tinatanong ako kung anong gusto kong ulam. 

Hindi sya nakapagtapos kasi kinailangan na nyang magtrabaho sa murang edad. Hindi nya ko pinagtapos kasi nabuhay ako sa scholarship. Pero ang totoo, mas madami akong natutunan sa kanya, sa buhay nya.

Madami syang naging mali, pero marunong syang bumawi.

Wala Nang Hahanapin Pa

Apo Hiking Society

Mayroon siyang estilong kanya lamang

Ang kanyang pagkababae ang dinadahilan

Pagsubok sa pag-ibig walang katapusan

'Di naman daw nagdududa, naniniguro lang.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,

Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin pa.

Kahit ano'ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,

Wala nang hahanapin pa.

'Di raw nagseselos ngunit nagbibilang

ng oras 'pag ako'y ginagabi

At biglang maamo 'pag may kailangan

'Pag nakuha na ikaw ay itatabi.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,

Minamahal ko siya, wala nang hahanapin pa.

Kahit ano'ng sabihin ng iba, minamahal ko siya,

Wala nang hahanapin pa.

'Di magpapatalo 'pag mayroong alitan.

'Di aamin ng mali, magbabagong isip lang.

Ewan ko ba ngunit kahit ganyan siya,

Sinasamba ko siya,

Minamahal ko pa,

Walang kaduda-duda,

Wala nang hahanapin pa.

Diaspora

I have a sister living in US. A sister recently left for Singapore to try her luck there (this is my bum sister). My other sister who lives out of town will in one to two years leave for Italy to join her husband (i gotta have visa from there). Another sister (andami no? Big family :)) lives near our house (A tenant of my parents in their dilapidated apartments for rent). Then for the last straw, another sister (my other bum sis. Yep, i got two) announced holy week that she's getting married next year. Holy crap! Suddenly, my used to be big family is shrinking by the minute. Is it not enough that all my closest friends are now overseas?!

My sister in US will visit us next year. So my earliest (hopefully not the last) chance of a complete family will be next year. It's unspeakably sad. I know I've been lambasting my family in my posts, at pinagtatabuyan kong magtrabaho and 2 sisters kong batugan. But then when they finally left/leave,  when I finally got my fervent hope granted, I felt nothing but sadness and endless worry. Blood is not just thicker than water. Blood is unconditional love ingrained in the genes. I know this because even my good for nothing dad, sa kaila-ilaliman ng napakalalim  na galit ko sa kanya, gulp, mahal ko sya. *thunderclaps!*

Omg! I just realized ako na lang pala matitira with my parents! Major, major syeeet!!!  Sana sa mabilis na balang araw, ako naman ang makaalis at makalayo. Mahal ko magulang ko pero ayoko maiwan sa bahay! Maloloka ako! hehehe.

Sometimes, like plants, you need space to grow. O ha, may justification ako. Hehehe.

Awful. Headache.

I have awful headache that i feel like vomiting. Household was noisy. Told them to quiet down or just get out of the house because my head's exploding. Tatay arrived, drunk. He suddenly went amuck and threw the house stuff, anything his hands can get onto. Remnants are broken furniture/appliances, shards of glass, shaken emotions and shattered peace. I think I'm gay bec I hate my father so much, I hate everything that he represents.

All I wanted was some peace and quiet. By the time he was done, everything's finally quiet, but the turmoil inside continued.

A friend asked, "How old is your father?". I said, "Old enough to die.". I know it's mean, but that was the first thought that entered my mind as answer to her question.

Another friend said, "Iikot din ang mundo.". I retorted, "Ang tagal naman umikot.".

I said to myself, "I've been raised with household violence, how come I still am not used to it?".

Somebody inquired, "Did you talk to him, asked why?". I explained with exasperation, "There's no use talking to a man who is uneducated and unreasonable. Strategy has always been avoid than be hurt with his hurling.".

The first piece of advice I got, "Sleep off the headache.". I did the moment my nose cleared and my chest loosened up.  Woke up 3am and it's gone. The other "headache", unfortunately, is still in the house, sleeping, dead to the world. *pun intended*

in the heart of mecca

i realized that i've been trying to save the world. i thought i can do it all - save my family without losing my sanity. the scary part is, i'm failing at both. now here i am, barely at my wits' end to make them happy. i have done a lot for them. but they want so much more, beyond from what i can give.

last night, despite the exhaustion, i had difficulty sleeping. i woke up drained, empty, sleep deprived. i just went through the motion of things and prepared for work in auto-pilot mode.

in the mecca of commuters (lrt of course. hehe), crushed by all the people desperate to get in the train, i had an epiphany. i can't guarantee to fit everyone inside the train, only myself. the same manner i can't save my family, only myself.

thus, my quest to save the world is an epic failure to begin with. more so because i almost lost myself in the process. at the end, being saved is a personal decision. one must want to be saved first.  so i will stop my audacity or should i say foolish notion of satisfying all their needs. i will instead accept that i'm human with no full control of others, only myself. i will save myself first, because i badly need saving  now.

i will help people within my full capacity (nothing beyond that). and i will be happy with myself at whatever i'm able to achieve. if ever my family would demand more from me, i would simply go to my closet and reaffirm to myself that i own no superhero outfit, much more possess superpower.

in the heart of my very own mecca, i finally found my peace. =)

*thanks to the support of my friends here, the anonymous unlimited, my other friends & my gf *

isang araw sa balang araw

madami akong gusto ikwento, kaso puro tungkol sa paghihinagpis ko, kaya hindi ko na muna isusulat ng buong buo. umabot na ang sitwasyon ko sa puntong ayoko munang kumausap ng ibang tao (verbally, personally). pati si gf parang gusto ko na iwasan. sa bahay, hindi na ko nagsasalita masyado. there's too much talking already (or should i say shouting at home). kumikilos na lang ako. buong araw lang akong naglinis ng bahay kasi hindi ko kaya ang gulo. squatter na nga kami nakatira, kailangan pa bang mukhang basurahan ang bahay? sila kasi sanay na sa ganun. pag nasanay ka na sa isang bagay, nagiging acceptable na pag tagal. umulan ng malakas ng hapon kaya maghapon naman akong naglimas ng tubig kasi madaming tulo kaya binaha sa loob. naglaba nga ang kapatid ko nung isang linggo, kaso isang linggo lang nakatambak ang natuyong damit at hindi tinupi. kaya tinupi at sinort ko na lahat. kinagabihan, pagkakain, hinugasan ko lahat ng pinagkainan nila. kasi tulog na yung iba, yung iba naman busy sa panonood ng tv. sabi ng isa kong kapatid, sya na daw gagawa. kaso sila kasi, madaling araw na or minsan umaga na maghugas ng pinagkainan, kaya nilinis muna ng masisipag na daga ang mga plato bago pa mahugasan. may lakas pa naman akong natitira kaya ginawa ko na. nagpaka-busy na lang ako kasi tuwing napapahinto ako sandali at napapaisip, umaagos na lang ang luha ko. habang naglalaba ako ng damit ko kanina, naisip ko na ansarap sanang kunin ang puso para pigain at pagpagin na lang para lumabas na ang lahat ng nagpapahirap dito. sana may nabibiling murang sabon na kayang alisin ang problema sa isip at puso ko. na ang mga suliranin ay madali sanang nahuhugasan ng simpleng tubig sa gripo. aaminin ko, pinanghihinaan na ko ng loob. pero pilit ko itong pinaglalabanan kasi gusto kong maniwala na pag may hirap, may ginhawa. at dahil super hirap ang dinadanas ko, super ginhawa din ang matatamasa ko balang araw.

sintimyento ni neneng bato

Sa totoo lang, ilang araw na kong umiiyak. Parang bukal ng sama ng loob ang mata ko, na malayang pinapadaloy ang sakit na nagpapahina sa pagkatao ko. Daig pa nito ang oil spill sa Gulf Mexico sa dami ng inilabas na nagbabagang luha. Sabi nila, humans are 60% water. Ako yata 90% tears.

Sa maraming taon kong pakikipagsapalaran sa hindi patas na pamantayan ng buhay, natutunan ko na walang puwang ang sintimyento at tinatapakan ang mahina. Kaya ginawa kong matapang ang sarili ko. Ang mantra ko, "self preservation is the key to survival." Kasabay nito, ang pagtigas ng puso ko. Mistula kong kinubli ang puso ko sa freezer sa paga-akalang ito ang nagpapahina sa akin.

Madalas akong magbiro noon, "basta kaming mga piscean hindi naniniwala sa horoscope!". Hehe. Likas kasi sa akin ang pagiging madamdamin (typical of pisceans so they say). Kaya pilit kong sinanay ang sarili na alisin ito. Bahagi nito ang panonood ko ng mga action na palabas at tahasang pag-iwas sa mga bagay na maemosyon. Ninais kong masanay sa karahasan para hindi na ko tablan nito (read: desensitized).

Sa pantaha ko, tagumpay ko itong nagawa na parang isang proyekto. Siguro ako na ang babaeng totoy bato, matapang, matigas, hindi lang palaban, war freak pa.

Sa kabila ng lahat ng lakas natagpuan mula sa pagiging matigas, bakit hindi ako masaya? Wala nang nakaka-api sa akin basta basta, hindi na rin ako naapektuhan ng mga bagay bagay. Pero hindi ko makapa ang saya sa buhay ko. Parang laging masikip ang dibdib ko na bumabara sa aking paghinga.

Magkahiwalay pala ang tapang at saya. Hindi sya parang cause and effect. Sa takot kong magkasakit sa puso dahil sa mga kimkim na sama ng loob na pwedeng maging fat deposits sa arteries ko, nilabas ko ang puso ko sa freezer. Sa tulong ng init ng awa, marubdob na pagmamahal, at naga-apoy na prinsipyo, muling lumambot ang puso ko. At ako'y naging bading! Hehe. Biro lang. Mas normal ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Nasasaktan pa rin ng madalas, pero nakakadama naman ng pag-ibig, pang-unawa at aliw sa buhay.

Kaya iyak kung iyak, mauubos din yan. Mabuti nang ilabas na lahat para mas mabilis makapag-move on. Suswertehin din, makakakita ng train crush at ayun! Muling ngingiti at mapapa-blog. Good night!

a father and the pader in between

My father and I are not close. Notice that I didn't post any father's day entry. A friend, when I texted happy father's day to her dad replied with "hug your dad for me". Sorry dude, but I don't think you'd want to go near mine if you experienced the kind of non-father that he is.

Days after that, I chanced upon a father's day treat on TV. I just got out from the restroom and saw the show on my parent's room (their room doesn't have a door, just a curtain as some form of divider). Tatay was watching the show. Am not sure if he is aware that am also watching. Divided by a wall and a slightly parted curtain, we sort of watched the father's day treat together. I got emotional and cried involuntarily as I witness the closeness of a son and his dad. My tatay is such a cry baby on tearjerker shows and I am sure as I am gay that he was also crying while watching the scene. This is one of those rare "bonding" moments  for us, both feeling the same, though divided by a wall, a curtain and years of disconnect.

I was thinking, why I am so affected when all I feel for my tatay is far from fatherly. Then I remembered.

There was a space and time in my childhood when I loved my father and really looked up to him. When I was very young, I often ask his help on a lot of things. I particularly remember an art project whom I had difficulty with and wasn't able to finish because I fell asleep on the table already. I suddenly woke up in the morning alarmed, because I know for sure I don't have a project to submit. Just when I was about to panic, after squinting my eyes, there on my table, was the completed project!

My eyes lit up with glee and gratitude as I picture in my head my tatay toiling with my project till early morning just to finish his firstborn's school project. And I felt loved by my tatay then. That moment was so sacred that the love I felt then is surprisingly still accessible up to now.

As I untangle the mess of an emotional wreck that I am, a radical thought occurred. Maybe I don't hate my father that much after all. Maybe at the very bottom of all the scars of violence, of the high pile of disappointments, of the deep seated anger is a pea of a love that survived and remained uncrushed.

We don't celebrate or do father's day. We're not hypocrite enough to even greet him happy father's day. The day just comes and goes like any other day.

But maybe it's time. A belated father's day something for tatay doesn't seem to be a very bad idea.

-----------
priceless father and child scene in the train.
he was on the all female cabin of the train so i know how he loves his child for ignoring the discomfort and uneasiness of the surprised women. cheers to you!!!

tired and tested

i'm so tired to a point of unhappiness. like it's all not worth it. my spinal column feels like crumbling and i don't even have osteoporosis.

so i learned today that caring is painful too. the nagging question remains, "is all the sacrifice worth it?"

i've been genetically developed to pay my blood with obligations, been breastfed with indebtedness, to which i rebelled against countless times. but here i am, killing myself to provide for the family that barely raised me.

why is a typical filipino life story always marred with sacrifice? why don't we find worth/heroism in just being?

i love my family. but i want to love myself too. why can't i have both?

i am a confetti now. torn, ripped in more than a hundred ways. so much that i think i don't know myself anymore.

i am a confetti that gives in to pressure, floats to where the wind commands me to, can be stomped on anytime.

i've been torn, ripped, beaten in more than a hundred ways. i am flat on my face, and i am tired.

totoo ba to?

hindi ko maramdaman. =(
ang hirap maging mahirap! badtrip. pagod ka na nga sa trabaho, pag-uwi mo, magtatrabaho pa uli, tapos hihingan ka ng pera. sinabi mong bukas na lang, kaso kailangan na daw at may babayaran. kaya kahit gabing gabi na, magbibihis ka uli para lumabas at magwithdraw ng perang yan.

habang sila, prenteng nanonood ng paborito nilang palabas sa tv at ang major concern ay kung ano mangyayari sa susunod na eksena ng pinapanood nila.

hindi ba ang sarap maghuramentado?

saan ba nakakabili ng pasensya? papakyawin ko na kasi kailangan ko ng marami nito. bibili na rin ako ng hiya, siguro mga sampung kilo. ipapamudmod ko sa mga tao sa bahay, baka kahit konti makaramdam sila nito.

at sana tamaan ng virus ng kasipagan ang mga kapatid ko para balang araw naman ay maisipan nilang kailangan din nilang kumilos at hindi puro asa.

sana Lord patigasin nyo pa braso ko kasi maglalaba pa ko ng susuotin ko bukas. at palakasin nyo po ang dibdib ko, kasi masamang masama ang loob ko ngayon. =(

wedding

I said I'll write tom, but I just want to spill now.

---

Just got home from a cousin's wedding. Everybody's asking when will I go next? As if it's some queue everyone has to pass thru. They had an AVP of the couple's history. And in my mind, my own history's playing, my childhood, till gf and I met and our happy "hidden" pictures. My happiness for the couple slowly got replaced by sadness as the reality of my not having my own wedding becomes clear. I'm picturing my homophobic clan on one side in the reception venue and my gay friends on the other, with my gay-friendly lot in between. I would most def wear a gown, my gf, am not sure yet. I'll mix it with purple. We'd look gorgeous. The mood will be festive, it will be fun, everybody will be game. Everyone will for once be open and accepting. We'll have wine and dancing and singing too.

This is the literal "dream" wedding. I said I was sad because my dream's chance is bleak for now. God I want to get married. If I can, I would in a heartbeat. But painfully I can't, not just yet. I look at my mom, my sisters and how they don’t have an inkling of my heart's longing, well at least not the way they're envisioning it for me. I can always reason, it's my life, my wedding. But I want my family to be there, happy for me, happy and at peace with my decision. Which they can't be as long as they wear their homophobia as second skin.


I'm tired. Family affairs are always tiresome, haggard even. More so if you're in a constant grind to try to wed love for family and love for who you are, personal freedom and family peace.I'm tired, but I'll continue trying.

mom-blings

I already told you before that I live in a non-opulent neighborhood. Barefoot, half naked kids with snot on their face brim the streets, while the adults are playing bingo, tong-its, gossiping if not getting drunk, sniffing shabu or in a brawl exposing each clan's darkest secrets. I've seen my then playmates or used to be middle class neighbors (whom we look up to then as wow!) waste their life away. I'm so sick and tired of this scene that I just look ahead when I walk my way home. How do you break the cycle of poverty, at least in our forsaken community?

As I was taking a bath earlier, overhearing a mom spanking her child in between cursing the poor kid, an idea bubbled in my head. We've always said begin with the child while they're young. But then nobody closer to the child has more influence and power to the kid than the mother. What if we begin educating these ill-prepared mothers on how a mother should be? You know, like be caring, patient and simply be loving. No one would benefit the most than their children.

What if I can coach the mothers that it is not right to curse to their kid nor hurt them as a form of discipline? I'm a living testament to this because that's the way I've been "disciplined/raised".

That if they do well with their kids, they have far better chance of surviving from their quagmire. That whatever frustration they have with their good for nothing spouses, they can never go wrong if they protect and support their children.

I have no grand plans of running for local office, but I do want to reach out to the largely marginalized sectors of our community, the children (the very young ones) and the mothers. I'd like to talk to them and understand their pain. Our houses are divided by walls of indifference and callousness. I hear the muffled cries, the beatings and the acts of oppression. I'm amazed that I can still sleep amid that "noise".

I do help select kids in my neighborhood, those who really sweat it out and who inspire me with their will to survive. Here are two. :)

Boy1 was on his last year on college (degree on architecture) at a public school, Technological Institute of the Philippines (TIP). He has I think 7 siblings and he self supports himself. He walks his way to school (that's like the whole stretch from SM North to Megamall, if my estimate is correct). He doesn't eat in school and takes part time jobs. I gave him tuition for his summer class last year and also gave some financial support. He just graduated this year. Yey! :) I'm now inquiring on the cost of his board review because I think he has better employment chance if he's a licensed architect already. His older brother by the way, I'm proud to say, graduated from UP. A smart kid whom I coached in entering UP. He now works for Dept. of Education and will fly to Sweden next week for a two-week summit. Hoot! Hoot! :) I'm trying to teach that kid about finance management now.

A very sweet girl is our tenant (their family). She is a second child on a brood of four. She's already 10yrs old but only grade2 because she had to stop. She's in the top ten of her class, dutifully wakes up early to sweep the street front of their rented house, takes care of her younger brother and sister. She doesn’t go out to play as her playtime is used on making rags as extra income to the family. She's always polite, greets me good morning whenever she sees me, smiles a lot as if there's nothing wrong in her situation. Such a sunny, bright young girl. Last year, she was saving up to be able to attend their school's Christmas Party which costs P200 for each child. It's the contribution for the food, games, etc. She was only able to save P100. Thus I learned too late from my mom that she didn’t attend the party because of that. It broke my heart. Had I known sooner, I could have easily helped her. So on Christmas, bought her shoes and also her younger brother. This June, I'm planning surprise her and support her school needs this year. She's going to a nearby public school so it won't be that costly. I adore that young, optimistic girl.

Now, if only I can get to the mothers. Kids are more open and easy to be with. Mothers, with their jaded stance, cynical mood and killer instinct, I have apprehensions. But I will try, one mother at a time. Good luck to me! :) Happy Mother's Day! :)

MOMbo-jumbo

i needed to get a hold of any person in our house so i can get my havaianas size (for a GC i won, need the size asap because they're ordering it already).

i changed the name of my sisters for secrecy :)
called house, mom answered.

-----------
me: ma, is apple there?
mom: nope, she went to the gym.
me: what about cherry?
mom: went with apple to the gym.
me: who else is in there? need to ask something urgent.
mom: peach and rowan.
me: ok, can i speak to peach please.
mom: she's sleeping

*in my mind: whaat?! you could have told me that at the start. geeez*

me: ohkaay. *me in slowmo* can i just speak to rowan then?
mom: surely. hold on.
-----------

hayayay! families. moms. sometimes i wonder, did i really come from that woman? who sometimes make my life so easy and oftentimes insane?
but knowing how crazy i can get, is an instant reminder that i come from the same nut. pun was intended. hehe.

so cheers to my crazy mom who gave birth to a crazier me! :)
happy mommy day to all! :)




word of mouth


MOMSHELL
- new term for the growing post-natal herd of "hot mamas".

fifth commandment

pic taken in a a market in Palawan.


"Fifth Commandment:
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."

-- Exodus 20:12

happy father's day to all dads out there! :)

at home

when i was younger, having a dysfunctional family is ok.
it borders 'cool' zone.

but as you mature and all your friends seem to have progressed,
you develop impatience with your family.
and then tolerance grows thin.

ever got the feeling or thought that you're the only sane and normal member of your family?
i do.
and it is beating the life and optimism out of me,
knowing that i don't have the power to change them,
much more correct things for myself.

my depression roots from helplessness and self-pity.
i have recently been late from work bec of the early morning bickerings at home abt nonsensical stuff.
like who is better than the other.
i just want to bang their heads on the wall and knock some sense into them.
bec none of them is actually any good!
and yet they have the gall to compare against each other. pathetic.
superiority complex of the underachiever.
a congenital disease of our clan.
it pains me to hear the exchange of insults and the disrespect to an older sibling and to my mom.
bec all of them are self-righteous, no one admits defeat and passes the blame to everyone except the self.
self-righteousness seem to run in the blood, our second inheritance.
when do i escape this quagmire?
i fear that if is stay any longer with them, that i'll soon be like them.
of the same blood, of the same mold.
ultimate defeat.
oh god.
somebody rescue me.. :(

sleep of the tongue

enough of the professional angst!
after a long, long while, i had more than 6hrs sleep!

when i looked at myself in the mirror,
i think my skin rested well, they look relaxed :)
although my body's craving for a few more hours of deprived sleep!

when i checked my celphone, i had 7 unread messages!
most of which came from my bestfriend.
all forwarded messages!
bordering from the religious to the obscene. lol! :)
so unlikely of him.
he must miss his missable bestfriend already :D
he's been asking me for some lunch-cum-chikahan galore,
w/c i've been declining.
bec either im still at home catching up w/ sleep
or i have tons of urgent work to do (it's always urgent! dang!).

i think that is the role of bosses,
to give you loads of tasks, w/ unrealistic timelines/deadlines,
and to blame you for expectedly being delayed.
in short, bosses are here to make my life hell!

my mom has never adjusted to the advent of wonder bras.
everytime i wear one and she sees me, she always comments:
"parang lumaki ang boobs mo ..."

**i'm sure she's thinking of other sleazy reasons that involve men. give me a break!**

"ma, padding lang yan."

of course, she's not convinced.
mothers are mandated to doubt their children.
and they can smell lies 5 meters away.
geez! such enhanced sensory!
they shd hire moms in the fbi!

as a footnote (meaning last note. hehe.),
i was horrified to find out that my devil-in-disguise-pseudo boss
likes working with me a lot!
those were the pseudo boss' very words.
i cringed when i saw that line.
s/he's not bobo, so i dunno why the hell s/he said that to me (not verbally.
i think i won't be able to hide my disgust if it was ever face-to-face).
if that's an attempt to lure me to soften my stance,
beat it buster! in your rotten dreams!

forgive my father for he has sinned

my current relationship w/ my tatay is limited to monosyllabic responses (answerable by yes or no is best) to his inquiries and him asking for money during sweldo.

when i was a child, we speak in terms of his belt on my skin or his palm on my face.
and my replies are in black and blue, in bruises, in muted pain and of nurtured hatred.

u kinda get used to it to a pt that it no longer hurts, physically and emotionally.

bec of this, he stopped 'disciplining' us.

i dont know if it is lack of education or simply his lord mentality that makes him think that he is still the head of the family and shd be followed at all times despite the fact that he has long ago stopped assuming that role.

dig this. he didn't buy any appliance/stuff in the house. yet he controls the them all.
kainis di ba? you can't choose the shows to watch from the tv w/c you bought, bec sya ang nasusunod.
*feeling ko, pag tinago ko ang remote control, maghuhuramentado un or babasagin na lng ang tv para walang makinabang!*

psycho.

last night, i just found out that my father has a mistress who's pregnant right now and wants to live with her.
*w/c in truth is fine w/ me really, so long as he doesn't come back*

the catch though is that he wants us to financially support 'them'.

the mistress by the way is just in her early twenties (younger than me), and accdng to rumors, is mentally challenged.

but the real deal is this, my tatay is saying that it is not his, but since naaawa sya, he will just take the baby as his.
awwww! so sweet of my tatay. so mabait di ba?
to sacrifice and leave his own family just so to save a dimwit damsel in distress.
gee. what more can i say.
gusto ko lang tumumbling.

it doesn't end there.
my sister and her bf will get married soon.
and mamamanhikan sa haws namin next week.
when tatay found out abt it, he told us, 'tamang-tama, ipapakilala ko na rin ang bago kong aasawahin'.
ugh. he said that w/o batting an eyelash. as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

i don't know if he's testing our threshold for sanity or he's lost his mind already.

if that's the case, then they deserve each other i guess :)

i hope the gurl cares for him, bec i (and the rest of the family) simply cant.