ex-ing the gf

note: hiwalayans are never easy.

i don't know which is more painful, the away in between or finally deciding to let go.
pero when you put an end to a once potential 'forever',
the effect is either self-destructive or simply life-altering.

how did i decide that it's the end?
i've tried to put it off for the longest time,
hoping against all odds that we can sort out the differences.
kasi as they say, sayang naman.

but it's hard to fight when the other one is no longer in the same cause.
and then realizing this, you suddenly feel tired and weak.
then you cry. kasi even without saying it, you know, it's a lost cause.
you lost the fight. and then you feel lost.

but eventually, you'll be back on track.

below is a letter i wrote for my (ex-)gf then:

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alam mo kung gano kita kamahal?
mahal namahal.
hindi mo na kailangang hingin,
i'm giving you your freedom from me.

i have already accepted the fact that i'm not the one who can make you happy.
i have been the cause of a lot of your pain.
i'm the one who made you numb.
i can't make you express your love the way you used to.
we must have lost something along the arguments, silences and indifference.

we may still love each other,
but not in the same intensity that can make us go on any longer.
in fact, we're not going anywhere.
we're lost.
i can't go on like this anymore.

don't waste your time on me.
spend your time with someone who excites you,
who brings out the best in you,
who angers you,
who makes you passionate,
who makes you feel secured and loved,
who makes you feel alive,
who makes you feel.
i love you so.
it feels like a part of me is dying as i make this difficult decision.
but my time with you is up.
i can't keep you any longer.
you've been kind enough to stay with me,
inspite of the compelling reasons that you shouldn't.

i can only say thank you for everything.
i'll always be here for you,
maybe not as your better half, but as a friend.
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