viral over Venus

if i were at home, i'll probably be hysterical too of Venus making it in the finals. =) But since i was at work, i did nothing except work, as i got glued on twitter/google updates of ms universe 2010. only for the love of our Venus Raj. at that moment i didn't care anymore if my bosses see me surfing non-work stuff. twas an intense time. and i was swelling with pride, so much that i got teary eyed. to my kababayan Venus, i love you! =)

and also, i love these guys!


to show that the question wasn't easy, here's an analysis. i also got stumped by a similar question (what's your weakness) in a job interview before. and it took great effort and self-assessment to realize the answer (which i did after the interview).


Diane Sawyer's report here

Mistaken

Still high with the Miss Universe fever -- more Mistake questions :)

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to an ex?

- Holding on too long when it's already time to give up.

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to a date?

- Hesitating. Not holding her hand when I wanted to because I know she wants me to, but I want her be the one to do it first. Yeah, freakin games.

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to a fling?

- Viewing her merely as a sex object with me on the upper hand. I've set a rule that I can touch her everywhere but she can't to me. I was mean.

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to a woman you like?

- I assumed she's too hot for me. Years later, she confessed that she thought
 am way out of her league. Hay, wasted possibilities.

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to yourself?

- I have no shame when it comes to love.

What's the biggest mistake you've committed to the lesbian world?

- Being a homophobic when I was still straight. Not being out now that am gay.

"Mistakes are there to teach us a lesson, repeatedly, until we learn." - firewomyn 

To Maria Venus Raj -
You made me forget for a moment how awful people can be. You made me remember how powerful determination can be (even against the odds). With that, am proud of you. I dub thee, the Miss Galaxy of my heart. =)
   

desperation meets opportunity by the numbers

11 hours
20 hostages
1 desperate man
5 killed
3 letters - CNN

what drives a man to desperation?

nope, not a bus.
drugs? maybe.
had a bad trip.
it drove him out of his mind.
anger? maybe.
his temper flew.
which means it's really not a bus.
misery? can be.
it loves company.
got lonely and got him twenty.
he's driving no more.

yeah right

 
posted from this link

Chasm

Gf said she has eye sty. I instantly got concerned and fussed about it while we're in fx. I couldn’t see where the sty is so I prodded some more. Then her voice raised a little, and scolded me. In public. Ouch. For a millisecond I was just shocked at what she did. You know that feeling when you're with someone you love and you only see her, no one else? Well am like that. Helmet in full gear. I don’t care about other people, just her. So it didn’t dawn on me that my fussing is "nakakahiya" already for her. More than the shock, it hurt. To be embarrassed, and to be an embarrassment to her.  Sob. I just stopped and sat in stone silence, my mind doing an "I told you so" moment for being too much always with less sense of control.

My mind playing schizo retorted, "That I don’t get. Why do I have to control my feelings? It feels like repression to me. If I love you, I love you all the way. Why do I need to love you less if all the blood vessels leading to my heart just wants to pump love for you? "

Of course the I-told-you-so part of my brain slashed back, "That's your problem! All you do is love! Love! Love! Loving the way it suits you, the way you want it. Have you tried loving 'her'?"

Angry, schizo shouted, "Fuck you for even insinuating that my love is wrong. I do love her. That's all I want to do and will slave for." *voice trailing off, slumping back*

I-told-you-so mellowing, "I know baby. But sometimes you have to listen not only to your heart but hers too. It's not repression, it's being considerate and sensitive for the one you love. On the contrary to repression, it’s being more loving."

Schizo with eyes welling looked at I-told-you-so. And I-told-you-so just hugged Schizo, whispering, "hush now baby, it will be all right."

---
My tragic flaw has always been I'm often too much. Too much love, too much pride, great expectations. In short, am such an emotional wreck. That's probably the reason why I thrive in IT because it's just me and the code, very close to becoming clinical. It's programmable to the expected result and it doesn’t shout back at you if you make a mistake. Just a passive dialog box or a text error message that thank goodness doesn’t come to life to reach out from the screen and strangle me.

---
I once boasted to a lez friend that gf and I rarely fight. To which she retorted, "Mag-aaway din kayo!” It was in jest. But now, I have this gnawing suspicion she's a psychic, because we did fight. Sigh.

---

I guess what I'm trying to really say is, I'm sorry baby.  :(

a mouse that isn't

will you be able to work if your mouse is like this?

sorry to disappoint ladies, but this mouse is just a conceptual design and was not actually manufactured. my question now is,

WHY THE HELL NOT ???!!!

Swan kissing

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis play the role of  ballerinas competing for the prima ballerina crown. the two won't quit it and finally resolved the issue by giving in to the sexual tension and kissed. okay, i just made that up. hehe. the real story of the Black Swan film can be found here. they did kiss intensely though. hehe. trailer at the bottom.

oh natalie. how can you be soo good and be soo bad too (in a good bad way. sounds confusing, but you know what i mean. hehe.) ;)

full trailer:

exhibitionist

I  love her so much that sometimes it makes me cry. There's nothing I want to do every single day than to hold her hand, caress her face, squeeze her and kiss her till this gigil in me subsides. This love, it's consuming me. Maybe that's why am into pda, because I just can't help  but express this love in me that's screaming to break free. My love is an exhibitionist. It needs expression, as in all out, big time showcase of scandalous affection.



Now that I’ve let that out of my chest, I think I can sleep.

simple

it's this simple, baby. we belong. :)

Berry naughty

tell me am not the only one seeing beyond strawberries here. i've been passing by this poster for weeks now and the imagery of something i love to devour (which is not strawberry) keeps entering my mind. sometimes i wish they're really that small and detachable. something you can put on your palm and can tongue on one sweep. smell and caress anytime even while walking. won't that be instantly gratifying? ayayay! :D

Tuyot

While watching tv with relatives, Aiza Seguerra appeared on the screen. I told myself, she's really talented. My guy cousin blurted out loud, "pag pumatol ka sa tomboy, matutuyot ka!".

My mind's auto-response was, "Tangina ka! Baka ikaw ang mukhang tuyot!!!". I looked at my family. no one contradicted him. I just sat there stunned, chewing chicharon that suddenly tasted like poison.

Honestly, that's what I believed then also when I was still straight & homophobic like them. Aah, the best cure to homophobia is to be a homo. Such an ironic twist of fate. Not that am complaining.

I told about the incident to my best lez pal (who's now overseas. Sob). Her comment was so simple I felt stupid & scared, "the more that you should come out. You're a living proof na hindi nakakatuyot ang mainlove sa tomboy.". waaah! Right on point! A smack on my head.

And in fairness, my gf is more blooming now after we became a couple. So her family & friends can't accuse me of making her tuyot.

I miss my best bud.

Note: san ba nanggaling yang baluktot na paniwalang nakakatuyot ang tomboy? Seriously, ganyan talaga ang paniwala ko noon. Probably because I don't know anything about tomboys/lesbians and napick-up ko na lang somewhere. Kaya takot na takot ako sa tomboy noon. Yan muna, saka na ang continuation at bababa na ko sa fx. TGIF na Payday pa! Sankapa! Gimik na!!! =)

Survival Guide to Exclusive Parties

So you want to party? Here are some tips.

1. Be supermodel fashionably late.
Venue gets packed 12mn onwards. What can I say, everybody's getting dolled up as Cinderella. =) If you wana get seats, come in a tad earlier or have friends to save you a seat.

2. Wear the sexiest outfit - your attitude!
The venue is dark, the people are drunk, so you can get away with any outfit.

3. Plus one.
Go with at least one companion One who's open minded and fun to be with (not necessarily gay).

4. Eat before you party
Eat dinner elsewhere  where food is better and cheaper. Food and drinks are overpriced at the venue.  So  just have some drinks and loads of fun at the party.

5. Watch out for trigger-happy-cam-slinging-people.
Nope, they're not paparazzi, they're just careless and mindless to closet/discreet gays. Don't  be a victim.

6. If you're not out, take cover.
Wear a mask, heavy makeup, a wig. If you don't have those, improvise! Place your long hair on your face, disguise as Sadako. Hehe. Be discreet, careful and still have fun. Toughie? Kaya mo yan! ;)

7. In case of bladder emergency, use the male restroom.
It's okay, all the people at the party are women, err except for the waiters.

8. If you like anybody in the crowd, stare at her and ESP her to look back.
I know it's dark there, but you'll be amazed at how laser sharp your eyes can get once you spot a looker. When she does look back, smile! Squint your eyes a bit and then drink your beer without taking your stare away from her. You can also puff while staring at her. The booze and the ciggies are for angas effect. Hehe.

9. Dance like you're a good dancer
Booze, euphoria, adrenaline, laser lights combined and you'll be convinced you're born to dance. Apply that same effect to all the women on the dance floor and what do you have? Crazy, wild dancing! Really,  nobody cares how you move on the dance floor unless you go to the ledge or pole.

10. Oh, remember the girl you stared at #8 who also stared back?
Approach her later at the dance floor pag nagkakagulo na ang lahat sa mga hired ledge dancers. Hehe.

Love sick

It's like cancer that sneaks up on you. Symptoms are there but we tend to ignore it fooling ourselves that we're invincible to it. Sometimes the symptoms seem too  disparate that they don't make sense, too lazy or distracted that we don't analyze anymore. Why ruin the fun right? It's nothing serious. Just one puff, one more bite, all one extra. Until the one extras build up, wearing us down. The symptoms too many to dismiss, the frequency too habitual to avoid. And by the time we realize or actually believe it's there, it's already in stage four.

There is no cure, only symptoms. Resistance is futile. Salvation is in submission. Why is it often painful to accept the inevitable that we will all fall prey to this no matter if we're misogynist since birth? As the law dictates, we all are bound to fall. So let us. Over and over.

Mga payong pang-tag-ulan

1. Gusto mo ng matalino? Go fuck her brain! Good luck kung marating mo ang langit.

2. Gusto mo ng sexy/maganda? Pwes, magpalaki ka na ng katawan, panakot sa mga aaligid sa kanya. E kung magpatubo ka kaya ng sungay para mas nakakatakot? Yikes!

3. Kung takot ka masalisihan ng iba, payagan mo lang makipagmeet sa iba ang gf mo pag may period sya. Yan ang sigurista! Lol!

4. History accounts for something. So mas kabahan ka sa mga dating kakilala kaysa sa bagong kakilala.

5. Kung ang jowa ay one-way, abide to the golden rule, "do unto her, what you want done unto you," Pag nalaman na nya kung gano kasarap ang other way, magpapaconvert na yan. Hehe.

Don't postpone love

morning message for gf:

Sabi ni father on yesterday's church gospel, "Don't postpone love." Kaya --- I love you!!! =) Really happy. *all smiles* it's like I don't notice the years because we always feel fresh as a new couple w/ less hassles than when we started. So thank you for giving me that. and for seeing the beauty in me sa ilalim ng dambuhalang pimple ko last week (which now happily subsided). Hehe. Did I say I love you? I do! I do! *smitten* see you later! *smooches*

Exclusive Party - Beso

Ok. Para sa mga walang kadala-dala! At sa mga excited ma-try. Hehe. Exclusive party actually happens every month. They're the only organizers left standing when it comes to exclusive parties. I do miss Purple Planet's though.

I don't understand why parties like this one often have hired straight ledge dancers. It seems like what you'll see in guy clubs. Do the organizers think that the g2g (girl to girl) party goers would go to the party because of the dancers, same with the guys?


I personally don't enjoy those dancers that much. They strut like it's an 8-5 job that needs completing. The party goers who join the ledge turns out better because they gyrate with tease and they have fun.

Women just want a venue where we can freely be our gay selves without being ogled at. Although, we can use some entertainment I guess. Ok, maybe just get better, lez/bi dancers/singers. Think Mocha Uson! *salivating at the thought & imagery*

Purple Planet's exclusive parties before had L Word screenings (teaser of an upcoming season), cool/hot girl bands. The crowd is smaller and from my opinion, prettier/sexier/more interesting.

Earth to Purple Planet!!! Earth to Purple Planet!!!  Please land on earth again, specifically Manila and drive us nuts and wanting (more) of your fab partehs again! I miss you guys :(

Ikaw 2

i like it when a poem is replied with another poem. :)
posting a poem by Kim as her comment to "Ikaw".

-------
Tititig na lang.

Umaasa.

Na sa iyong mukha ang sagot ay makita.

Ano bang meron at wala ka?

Sinasadya ko ba itong hindi makita?

Gusto ko ng ganito, gusto ko ng ganyan.

Ayaw ko nito, ayaw ko niyan.

Ikaw to.
Ikaw na ganyang di ko gusto.
Ikaw na itong ayaw ko.

Pero ayos lang.

Pwede nang hayaan.

Dahil mahal kita.

Oo, korni, pero mahal kitang talaga.

Balewala na lang kung anong meron at wala ka.

Patuloy sa pagtitig.

Wala na sanang ibang makita.

shirt tale 2

*FBI -  Female Body Inspector

i checked, it's a man alright, unknowingly advertising lesbians! Haha. 

'found him at the train platform.

i think the term "taralets" should now be replaced by this cooler version, "lez go". :)

killed (not!)

Out of nowhere, in the dark, somebody just duct-taped my mouth and blindfolded me. Tied my hands behind my back that left me immobile. I instantly felt fear, profound pain and sadness. So painful that my chest constricted and my eyes instantly welled. So this is how repression feels. I will never be the same again after that incident. From being carefree, I now have to be cautious, enveloped with fear. The impulsive in me just got killed. *in metaphoric sense*

ruling overturned. said twas unconstitutional. am soo back! :)

---


i was tormented whether to still continue blogging or stop altogether.

---

i realized i can give up a LOT for my love. even the other thing i love deeply.

---

compromise is a lose-lose situation because it's just partial agreement for both.

---

choosing is only difficult when we are forced to give up something we don't want to let go

---

cryptic is safe.

----

safe buys me time.

kerida

this is the prequel to the Sahod post. dearie friend was confused. i attempted to de-confuse her. hehe.

-------------------
Df: guess what

Fw: what?

Df: it's getting a tad complicated na with this girl.the one i met at the party

Fw: so you didn't ditch her?

Fw: siguro nagsex na kasi kayo kaya complex na

Df: yeah we did

Fw: figures

Df: several times already

Fw: was it any good?

Df: of course. and i like sleep over almost everyday at her place. she has a gf

Fw: so dedma na to the gf?

Df: ewan sa kanya

Df: i dont wanna get into that

Fw: oh yeah,  just get into her undies. hehe.

Df: yes i did. we kiss, i guess it wasnt casual

Fw: so it's complex because you like her already?

Df: yeah

Fw: do i say good for you?

Df: go ahead

Fw: i dont want to. i dont think it's good for you.

Df: hahaha. i know. so bad.  so wrong. it's my first time to do something stupid like this. 

Fw: not that. i just think you can do better. if it were me, i wouldn't go for her. she's too ordinary for me. but then, you're not me

Df: she is. you know when we're in bed, and she's sleeping, i stare at her and think what do i like about her? i can't think of any. she's just like most of my friends. that's when i knew... damn! i really like her

Fw: do you like her minus the sex?

Df: ok lang. lust lang to ata

Fw: up to you to determine. from my end if you like her before the sex and after sex, it sorta means something

Df: i do like her

Fw: so no problem then

Df: i like her.

Fw: you like her, she does you too. she has gf. it doesn't stop you. so what's the problem?

Df: gf

Fw: so isa ka nang kerida

Df: technically yes

Fw: not technical, simply yes

Df : pero am putting a stop to it

Df: i'm not gonna be anyone's kabit

Fw: funny. you already are

Df: yeah. i hate it. to hell. so will stop na.

Fw: own up to your act

Df: i am. i'm not denying it naman

Fw: so why shudder?

Fw: that you're a mistress. a lovely one at that :)

Df: harr. there's no lovely aspect to being one

Fw: well, you are.

Df: it's time to just right the wrong

Fw: even if you like her? and the sex is good?

Df: yes

Fw: i think you'll have a hard time

Df: unless she decides to really break up na with her gf

Fw: she can always tell you she broke up with her gf. she lies to her gf and betrays her gf anyway. she can break up to that gf. and you become her gf. vicious cycle.

Df: at least malinis conscience ko. i'm a victim too you know. Lol.

Df: wait.. punta lang ako ladies room

Fw: ok. go to the mistress room

Df: hayyy

Fw: so you won't be sad, just think of the great sex you have with her. drown your guilt with that

Df: lol. baaddd

Fw: i dont get it. why are you sad?

Df: guilty

Fw: you followed what you want. you got what you want

Df: pero in the process, hurt someone else

Fw: the guilt never bothered you while you were between her legs. so now that you're not in between hers,  you think of the gf. Hmm… so maybe you  should bury your head in her gf's instead.Hehe.

Df : i got weak

Fw: i think it's natural. self first before others

Df: yes. Hayy.

Fw: matalino ba yang girl na yan?

Df: ok lang. BS of some school

Fw: I see. no comment

Df: sige lang

Fw: i don't know anything about that school, so can't comment

Df : yeah ako din hehehe

Df: she has a downelink account. check her out

Fw: i don't want to check her out. she's not that interesting to me . no offense meant to you.  Wait, lemme correct that - she's not interesting to me

Df: haha. fine

Fw: so still conflicted?

Df: yep. hayy. anyway, i'll stop having sex with her muna

Fw: no. if confused, go back to what you like with her. so if it's sex, go fuck her all you want . if you like her, then go!

Df: hahaha! may gf e.

Fw: so you're a kerida. so what? At least you're with the girl you like.

Df: ngark naman

Fw: masanay ka na sa term. until hindi sila break, you're that. gawin nating mas maganda, number 2?

Df: yuck!

Equality is the new Status Quo

Proposition 8 Overturned:

Gay Marriage Ban Ruled Unconstitutional

I am no American, and yet I can't help but burst with pride (and tears for that matter) that I am gay and  our right has FINALLY, OFFICIALLY, ACHIEVED some sense of EQUALITY by the court of law.


Chief US District Judge Vaughn Walker's ruling:

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

An emotional, triumphant moment for the LGBT world. I've followed this saga and each scene was as heartbreaking as the next with one rejection after another. But the LGBT people did not rest and continued to fight, staunchly defending what is RIGHT - OUR RIGHT TO EQUALITY. Until finally this. :)


HATS OFF to you Chief US District Judge Vaughn Walker for simply doing your job and treating us all fairly which most have great difficulty of doing. 

The fight goes on! :)

Proposition 8 Ruling FULL TEXT here

Read the News article here

--------

Ikaw

Hindi ka matangkad
Hindi ka sexy
Dati oo, pero tumaba ka na nung naging tayo
Hindi ka writer
Hindi ka mahilig sa arts
Hindi mo naeenjoy ang hiking
Hindi ka into parties
Hindi ka sensitive *gusto mo straightforward*
Hindi ka girly-girly *mahilig ka lang sa girls*
At hindi ka taga-UP.

So bakit ikaw?
Ang nagpapatawa sa akin
Ang bumubusog sa akin
Ang nagpapaworry sa akin
Ang nagpapasaya sa akin
Ang nagpapasigla sa akin
Ang nakakasakit sa akin *minsan*
Ang lagi kong kasama
Ang hinahanap ng katawan ko.

Hindi ikaw ang gusto ko
Pero ikaw ang mahal ko.


-----
note: you can re-use this piece if you like. just replace the 

1. first stanza / block with the things you don't really like with your partner or what your partner lacks
2. second stanza / block with the things you love about your partner (despite of #1)

:) enjoy!

face it

One beautiful morning when the sun was smiling, I woke up to a beautiful me facing me back on the mirror. I think my reflection even winked, an attempt to flirt with myself. Hehe. See even my reflection is such a tease. Anyhoo, as I was admiring the wonderful creation before me, stepping closer to put special attention to each lovely part, I noticed a part that shouldn’t be there. I stepped even closer to simulate magnification. There’s a seeming rash on my cheek near the teardrop channel, beside the nose. Ohwell,  imperfection makes us human.

Next beautiful day, I went about my morning ritual of self-admiration. The alien rash now more looks like a mole, only it’s reddish. Ohwell, must be my period, hormonal stuff and all. Nothing that makeup can’t cosmetically cover. 

Today, I woke up to find the alien thing on my face staring at me! It’s grown so fast you’d think it was fathered by Yao Ming! Ohmygod, did I just feed it with makeup and vanity?! It’s now so big it intimidates me.

It’s official. Dang! I have godzilla of a zit! I rarely have pimples so am utterly in panic. I used to chide gf not to touch her pimple whenever she develops one (which seldom happens). But there’s nothing I want to do now and in the next few hours of my used to be charming life than to poke it till it pops. Aargh! *fists clenched* Of course gf is ready to rescue me and happily (or should i say smugly) forbids me from going near it. Such role-reversal, I hate it!

It’s so big and yucky I can’t hide it anymore, unless I paint it black to disguise it as a big mole. Yep, it will just get infected and become worse. I know I shouldn’t have watched those creepy Emergency cases by Arnold Clavio on TV where a small innocent-looking mole turned turkey size, and created a cave to a man’s face after it was surgically removed. Fine! I’ll keep my hands off of it. Ohplease handcuff these disobedient hands! It’s driving me nuts.

I now wash my face very rigorously, more frequent than usual, used deep cleansing scrubs, in the hope that the skin will weaken, break and the gush will come out. But it won’t budge. Damn! I feel like pulling my hair out of my scalp from helplessness. Earlier, I accidentally scratched it and it was painful.  You’d think the zit will finally pop, but no! It’s so stubborn and tough I wonder if a gay butterfly will come out of it in a few days.  Yikes!

“Humor and exaggeration is my pair of pants  to survival. Feels nice, specially on a bad day.”  - firewomyn

note

Bones

You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering – that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, or maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. You see two people and you think, “they belong together,” but nothing happens. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs but they are a burden that lifts us. A burden that allows us to fly.

- Bones, season 4 ending.