inside and out

Am not well. Am pissed. There's this growing restlessness in me that is shaping to be anger for something I can't resolve. Is it masked in helplessness? Or draped in fear? I can't tell yet, but it's slowly gnawing my insides beginning at the center of my chest. It's painful in a way that it's not really painful but constricts my breathing, the same way a lump in your throat blocks your gulp. Am too exhausted to punch someone now so I can only hit some keys on my phone with the goal to blabber until the sides of my iPhone 3GS froth and slip my eewy fingers. Yes, disgusting. But not as disgustingly twisted as how Uganda President is disgusted with homosexuals. He is sick. Obviously. Perverted even on his viewpoint of what is just. Am quick to rationalize that the Ugandan president is too insignificant for me as a gay person to be affected. *It finally made sense why the country hasn't progressed much. Because its very leader thinks backwards.*

But the impact to the Ugandan LGBTs and essentially Ugandan human rights is of course huge. We cannot stop people from thinking wrongly, even if there's a law prohibiting them. Our sense of self and worth must then not be based on what others think or say of us, but on what we think of ourselves. Only us can belittle ourselves. To hide or deny one's self is not just repression, but also oppression.

Which Ellen Page, my beloved Juno attested to in her coming out speech.

"And I am here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference to help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility.

I also do it selfishly, because I’m tired of hiding. And I’m tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered, and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of that pain.

And I am young, yes. But what I have learned is that love—the beauty of it, the joy of it, and yes, even the pain of it—is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being."

I am not yet out. Not because of shame, but because of fear of hurting my parents by defying their expectations of me once again.

Like Ellen, I lie by omission. When a colleague asked if I am seeing anyone, I replied no. Simply because gf was overseas that time so technically, we're not seeing each other.

When I introduced her, I said 'friend'. Well, at the very minimum, your girlfriend is also your friend. The root word is friend.

Make no mistake, I love my girlfriend and proud of her. I just don't want explaining to other people, justifying or even defending myself. Hindi po ako artista na kailangang magpa-press con sa update sa buhay ko.

So I admit I am suffering too. And the painful, bitter truth is I cause this pain to myself. By not coming out still to my family. By denying myself of loving freely.

As Ellen Page powerfully put it, "... we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise."

The comfort is, there's no way to go, but out. Soon! :)