out and about

American Idol Clay Aiken admitted he's gay, to which the world replied, "We know!". Lindsay Lohan implied being gay by confirming that she's been going out with Sam for a long time now.

I didn’t realize that September is the coming out month. I would have joined had I grown the balls to actually do it. From what I've read online, there's this new definition of out. Where you do all the things that make people think you're gay except verbally confirm it yourself.


Lindsay Lohan Confirms Romantic Relationship with Samantha Ronson

In an editorial on AfterEllen.com last week called "Lindsay Lohan and the New Definition of 'Out'", we profiled Lohan and Ronson as an example of a new wave of same-sex couples who are re-defining the notion of what being "out" means.

Lohan and Ronson have accompanied each other almost everywhere for over two years now, attend public events together, wear matching rings, kiss in public, and have had their relationship captured in countless photographs. They have even spoken out together against Gov. Sarah Palin's anti-gay stance. They have done everything but verbally confirm their relationship — until now.



For me, the outing process is one glaring inferiority of being gay. Why does one have to officially announce to people about one's sexuality? Will the whispered gossip behind our back stop once we're out? Will the people be more accepting of us and our lifestyle/culture? Will we be treated equally if it's known that we're gay?

I doubt it. So why the elaborate effort to come out? Straights don’t do it. But then I realized, maybe because coming out is not meant for others to understand us, but mainly for us. Us acknowledging/accepting what we really are and sharing that new found acceptance with the people who matter to us. More of an FYI to them and if they understand/accept us/love us still, then that's a plus.

Verbally saying it to someone close to you liberates us somehow. You know how taboo being a homosexual is to most families (like mine). So to admit you’re actually one and affirm that with your family (with all the prejudices, responsibility, etc that go with being one) must truly be a defining moment. Hayy.

There's so much fear attached to being gay that you need more than balls to keep your stance. You'll need guts, heart, mind, soul, voice, all your body parts and more! Why? Because it is already challenging to blend in, much more go against the flow, deviate from the norm.

But does acknowledging the relationship with words still matter in an era in which the grocery-shopping, event-attending, ring-wearing and hand-holding behavior of same-sex couples is now reported on almost as often as heterosexual couples?

While saying it out loud is arguably no longer a requirement to being out, words still have power — especially to the vast majority of straight Americans for whom the presumption of heterosexuality is so great they simply won't believe a same-same relationship is true unless it is openly declared.

Pasted from http://www.afterellen.com/people/2008/9/lohan-confirms-relationship-with-ronson

People, specially the straights are the ones clamoring for us to come out. They either want to be proven right that so and so is gay, exclaiming, "I knew it!". Or they just want to see for themselves who the gays are, that they're real and not just some hush hush creation of their imagination or to know what they really look like beyond what the media/arts pictured gays to be.

Philippine lesbians are not just the masculine crooner Aiza Sequerra, there's also the vavavoom Sharmaine Suarez (used to be a sexy star), the athletic looker Laila Kuzma (did I get her name right? The used to be host in Eat Bulaga), there's the skillful only daughter chef of Gloria Romero, Marites Gutierrez, there's me, a feminine looking IT professional in a corporate multinational company. There's really a throng of looks, sizes, professions, and whathaveyous, almost close to saying we're not that different from everyone. :)

Go GALANG!

do drop by if you have time.
note that there's a P100 mandatory donation ;)

In Lehman's term

World market crashed yesterday. Big deal.

A month ago, I was nearing bankruptcy myself. Tough.

Six months ago I invested in a mutual fund from one of the affected local companies by Lehman's demise. Conservative annual interest rate is supposed be around 8-10%. I still have half of the year to see if it'll pay off. Ultra conservative earning for now will do.

One year ago, I invested in a time deposit from a rural bank which per my research offers the highest interest rate in Manila . After six months though, earning 5%, I withdrew everything to pay some family obligations. Sad. I vowed to replenish that this year. I just have 3 months left to fulfill that vow. Tick tock. Pressure.

One year and a half ago, I invested in pure volatile stocks from a broker who is the broker of my friend whom I learned later on is not only a financial broker but also her heart broker (okay, that was a stretch I admit. Hehe.) This self-made friend of mine didn’t finish college, is a single mom of two kids, doesn’t have a regular job, yet drives her own savvy car, has her own house, kids studying in privy school and can afford to have vice and some other luxuries. I was convinced she's doing something right and I'm missing out. So I tried it out. Gave 50k to the broker. I think I'm his smallest client in terms of shell out. My 50k investment has lost 50% since then. You do the math. Major ouch!

Two years ago I read a book, Cashflow Quadrant (by Robert Kiyosaki). From then on my investor self was born.
--------

Having somehow tried diverse 'investments', I am now unfazed with the market changes. I've learned to accept that it's part of the many risks that go with investing.

Lehman's term might have ended, but it just opens a wide door for more opportunities. Call it glass half full. :)

For when the market is down, that's the best opportunity to BUY. It's the equivalent of shopping discount/sale in trading. And buy I will do, from no less than AIG itself. Bold move. High risk. Scary shit. But totally exciting! ;)

en route to diversion

I was supposed to meet with two g2g doc friends tonight to watch UP Film Institute's screening of Manila by Night. I know, I know, I just declared bankruptcy an entry ago, but hear me out first.

Manila by Night is the film where Cherie Gil won the coveted best acting award for a lesbian role in the highly prestigious QTV show, Pinaka. Dahil may kabataan pa ko nung pinalabas ito sa sinehan (and I'm sure chinop-chop na to sa cuts nung pinalabas), ngayon ko pa lang ito mapapanood if ever.

I excitedly came to work an hour earlier so I can leave 5ish in time for the 7pm screening. It's like waiting for the minute by minute progress of time. The day dragged on ever so slowly (because I've been monitoring the passing of the desktop clock) until 5:30pm finally came. I quickly left the office, withdrew from the bank my last money and texted the grrls. No reply. Agitated, I gave TQ (my doc friend) a call. No answer. Excitement was replaced with tension and worry. 6pm, still nothing. Defeated, I called gf to tell her my sob story. I decided with a heavy heart to just head home and catch the film another time.

In the bus going home (opposite to UP), TQ finally replied around 6:30pm. They're already there at UP. And I'm 2.5hrs away from them. Darn network connection for delayed messages! They were convincing me to still go even just for dinner. I asked if it's their treat and said silly no. No treat means no go. :)

At the LRT, I'm still feeling lost because of planned gimmick gone awry. Standing in the throng of masses, I distracted myself by observing three kolehiyalas still in their uniforms, proudly wearing their St. Paul University Manila necklace IDs. *Paumanhin kung may maapektuhan* I mused to myself:

Ang chackie (meaning chaka) ng mga taga-St. Paul Manila. Kung ganito magiging itsura ng mga g2g, magpapakastraight na lang ako!

I tried to not look at them anymore, but their loud voices scream of attention (maybe to compensate for their lack in beauty).

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala1: Si X hindi naman tumutulong sa 'tin.

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala2: Onga. Kaya naman natin e. kung gagalingan natin, maganda kakalabasan (kung anumang topic yun, I hope it's not an attempt to beauitify their faces, kasi galing na lang ng syensya ang makakagawa nun)

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala3: (eto na pamatay!) Kung talagang determinated ka, magagawa mo !

O di ba, ang sarap tumumbling?

Maya maya, nagsibabaan na ang mga determinated. Hay salamat. Next batch please. Marunong naman bumawi si God kasi bumulaga na lang sa harapan ko (as in halos dumunggol) and isang maputing babaeng pretty and sexy (siguro 1 month na Ponds whitening pa tisay na sya), naka-plunging neckline na green blouse, naka-mini skirts, wearing clunky green bracelet and ring. (I'm sure intentional na hindi sya nagnecklace). I definitely feel green with her.

Alam nyo naman sa lrt pag rush hour di ba? Siksikan na, maalog pa. Shempre, pati yung nasa ilalim ng green blouse umalog-alog na rin na para bang gustong dumungaw sa labas (I wish! Hehe). Buti na lang femme ako kaya kahit I kept staring at her neck below, hindi malisyosa ang dating, baka nga flattered pa sya. So ang lowlah nyo, pangisi-ngisi, este, pangiti-ngiti lang at feeling nakajackpot kahit pano. Eto na ang catch.

Chackie nyang kasama: medyo sumasakit ang balakang ko
Green girl: bakit naman?
Chackie nyang kasama: PMS e.
Green girl: (pabulong kay chackie) PMS? Pre-masturbation syndrome?
Sexy femme na eavesdropper: (ako yun! Wehehe. Isingit talaga sarili e) napalunok, nanlaki mata at naloka sa narinig
Chackie nyang kasama: nyeh. Pre-menstual syndrome.

Beauty can only take you so far. Sa case ko with the chackies, they took me to a determinated path. With green girl, well atleast umabot man lang kami sa masturbation, pwede na yun! ;)

Poor the meantime

I have a confession. I'm short of money. I'm negative by P100 pesoses to be exact as of this afternoon. Based from my accounting spreadsheet, my last payroll's salary lacks P100pesoses for my bills and expected expenses till Sept15. Ugh.

Two hours later when I reached home, and my helper handed me our electric and water bills, I am now poorer by P2,300pesoses! Tangenangsyeet! Ganito pala pakiramdam ng mahirap. Nakakaiyak, nakakadepress, nakakainsecure at ang pinakamasaklap sa lahat, nakakapanget. :(

I never realized I'd reach this point of financial worry. I always thought I earn a lot and I am even able to do my regular share of charities and philanthropy. I used to kid gf that I have scholars whom I provide for to support their studies. I also have numerous relatives who seem to be always in need *there's always that kind of relative in every clan* whom I always help out.

But now, in a cruel reversal of fortune (I'm so in Jeremy Irons' shoes), gulping my high-rise pride I'm actually the one in need. There I said it. It's out and I don’t feel any tad better.

This tragedy started when my tax deduction from two payrolls ago doubled than before. It's a BIG tax I tell you. 33% of my earning I surrender to the government. So imagine my ultraelectromagnetic shock when I was deducted 66% of my salary! The katipunera in me suddenly awoke from its dormancy. I wanted to replace gabriela silang on her monument at makati. Gusto kong mag-aklas at sibakin ng itak (figuratively and literally) ang mga tao sa accounting department namin. There is definitely a grave error committed here your honor. And I won't stop until that criminal is in jail!

Kung gaanong nagrerebolusyon ang damdamin ko ganon naman ako ka-helpless sa situation ko. The escalation process in our big multinational corporate company is to email the erring department, which I did. After 5 days as part of their SLA (service level agreement), I got an email with an attached spreadsheet showing the details of my payroll, not really explaining why my tax deduction doubled this time. After reading the spreadsheet and not understanding it one bit, another email was sent to me by the department indicating that the issue I raised has been resolved.

Langya di ba? Nagsend lang ng spreadsheet without any explanation, resolved na daw!

Dahil BS Math si gf, I printed the spreadsheet including my recent payslips. My Math 14 and Stat 1 were not enough to unravel the mystery of the darn spreadsheet. I know kung fu, I know Math. And I know there's a missing variable somewhere because I can't extrapolate how they arrived with my tax deduction value.

So instead of the usual TGIF super fun/steamy gimmick with gf, we settled in a coffee shop analyzing the numbers. *Totally uncool* Turns out, even gf can’t decipher where the double tax deduction was derived. The actual factor that caused it to double was not provided. Ha! Tangenang accounting yan. Kala yata nila mauutakan nila ako.

I sent them another email demanding I talk to an accounting rep. One week later, dedma ang mga pucha! Sent them another email following up my email from last week.

Two and a half weeks since, the shit I'm buried in is getting deeper. My insurance contribution, my credit card, my rent, my utility bills, my Globe line, practically my life, all due this week.

Pag ganito palang gipit ka biglang tumatalas ang memory mo at lahat nang may utang sa yo bigla mo maaalala. My two previous employers still owe me my last pay checks. I thought I won't need them then so I never bothered getting my last pays. Ganyan ako kayabang noon! Na isang malaking kahangalan at kabobohan now that I think about it in retrospect.

What are my options while I await for the true resolution of my tax deduction?

1. Magtipid. No more cabs for now.
2. Magbaon ng lunch and meryenda instead of dining out
3. I still have a $100 bill in my wallet. That's an instant P4.500. But due to sentimental reasons, I hope to preserve that bill
4. I can pull out my P50k stocks investment (that is now 50% lower due to the oil crisis)
5. Maghanap ng sponsors (read: mamalimos) from friends (ayoko sa family ko, another towering pride issue)
6. magGRO temporarily? Pde ba yung customers ko puro babae lang?

Ansakit sa ulo sa totoo lang. Specially if I so want to watch a film in UPFI's (UP Film Institue) filmfest, attend the g2g e(girl-to-girl) exclusive party at Ratsky's (aiza sequerra's going to be there!), watch Avril Lavigne's concert, have my Olympus waterproof digicam repaired -- all to happen in the first two weeks of September.

The first Ber month brought forth a Bery challenging situation to me. Ofcourse, alam kong wagi pa rin ako sa huli. But until then, tuloy ang gyera ko with our company and pagsisintir ko about it.

*im sorry kung walang life altering realization in the end, at bitter and war freak mode pa rin ako*

lasting impression

Friend 1:
Been together for around 2yrs.
Lived together for less than a year in a foreign country
Planned to get married end of this year.
I was actually helping them in their wedding preparation.
Declaration: madami na kaming pinag-daanan. wala nang makakapaghiwalay sa min.

Friend 2:
Been together for almost 3yrs.
Been living together for more than a year.
Both ditched their gf's of so many years (4yrs +) to pursue this newfound love.
Declaration: can't imagine my life being more perfect

Friend 3:
Been together for 7yrs.
Braved their religious family's wrath to fight for their love
Went to the same school.
Worked in the same industry
Took the same post-grad course.
Declaration: up to infinity and beyond!


Friends 1, 2 and 3 are now single. The shocking announcements happened this year, around one month apart.

It's a time for mourning.

It shattered others' strongly held hope of an ever after the same manner my friends' hearts were pulverized into smithereens. It's like becoming a widow, severed from one's ideals. Friends 1, 2 and 3 are in dark anguish of the sudden, painful twist of fate.

I'm nearing 3 yrs with my gf. And I'm inwardly apprehensive of this seeming foreboding.
I, who have been cynically spitting to my friends that I don’t believe in happy endings. That I live my relationship one day at a time.

The truth is, theories aside, that's a scared womyn daring the universe to prove her wrong. But as fate may have it, these recent turn of events in my social circle is challenging me instead to prove my self wrong. The universe simply won't spoon-feed realizations to a lazy (pretending) theorist. :D It's part of the learning, the experiencing.

Doesn't anything last anymore?
Seeing friends who's been in years of togetherness kinda gives me that glimmer of hope.
Maybe something lasts after all.
Then they break-up.
And I'm emphatically broken as well, including that small spark inside me called hope.

I am in my longest relationship to date (2mos being the shortest).
Maybe this is for keeps.

There are numerous uncertainties in life.
If I consider them all, yeah, most probably, we won't last like the others.
But there is one certainty I know.

I love her.

Beyond fats and flabs,
wrinkles and white hairs,
financial unpredictability,
allergy attacks,
senility,
and all other imperfections.

If I get to know more that will put that love in question, then it's time to pray to the universe.
Until such time, I'll sweat it out to make us last for as long as I humanly can.

(s)wallow

If there is one thing I love doing, it's reading. Uhm, and writing too. And watching films. And photography. Okay so that makes it 4 things I love doing. :)

I just finished reading Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Must read friends. :)

This is something you digest on an open mind. Chew with slowness so you get to absorb its meaning lest getting lost and lose interest in the process.

I never imagined Maria for a guy. He's actually an advocate for solitude. Beat that.
While the majority makes a crisis over being single, he prescribes it as medicine for the soul.

This is no chicken soup for the soul where you're given feel good stories . This is a strong medicine laced with bitter truth and potent insights. It's like the blue - red pill offered by Morpheus to Neo.
The choice is entirely yours.

I am giving it as a gift to a grieving friend. When you're broken (hearted, ego, whathaveyou), sometimes all it takes is a paradigm shift to knock some sense into a stubborn-jaded head. And yeah best taken with the universal panacea to anything broken, booze. It’s a bitter-sweet life.

i was

I think this cartoon is very funny and thought provoking.
Only apt, because it's rodin the thinking man right? :D

and it is with great irony that i tell you this.
the man who thought of this creative cartoon is now an "i was" :(

Pulitzer Prize-Winning Cartoonist Doug Marlette Dies at 57

-http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/remember/july-dec07/marlette_07-10.html

i'm itching to write something as witty for my O2.

sense of balance

life is never fair, even if you try to be one.
my phone of 2yrs, number of 6yrs got stolen  from my bag.
you'd think after living for many yrs in this metro jungle, that i've acquired the necessary street smart skills to survive manila.

i used to be a smart subscriber. but now i'm smarter, im globe! :D
time for some changes.
it's now a postpaid line.
i used to hate the monthly obligationn of paying bills.
i didnt like the idea of spending more than i'm able.
call me prudent :D
so having a postpaid plan gives me that temptation to go overboard and a monthly heart attack after i get my bill. hehe.
i haven't seen my bill yet w/c is due end of month.
and i am not monitoring my calls and sms.
so there. welcome to the free world. free now, pay later.

what i'd really like to say is i have a new mobile number : xxxx-xxxg2g.

so while it sucked big time that i've lost my most expensive possession (O2 mini) and my second most expensive (recent acquisition) all in the first half of the year,
i have to see the justice in it all to maintain my sanity.

true, i lost my first ever guess eye glasses with transition lens.
but my frequent headaches due to astigmatism has narrowed down to occasional right-half-head pain that can easily be cured by advil.

i may have lost my sim of 6yrs and pda of 2yrs, but i now have an uber cool number courtesy of globe ;)
plus, an ofcmate is selling his O2 mini (of 2yrs also), for 10k.
i can sell my 3g phone now and buy myself a pda. yahoo! :)
i thought i'd be buying a new phone december or when iphone is finally available in the third world. but patience has never been one of my virtues.

life is still sweet and just after all.

-----------------------------------------
License to Err

kadramahan

this is gonna be melodramatic so be warned!

i've been wandering. and i have been lost.
i got distracted by the seemingly important things in life like maintaining my office slave position (it's a rat race i tell you. you don't know how many aims for the slave stature), trying (and still failing) in becoming a responsible, independent adult (read: domesticated. as in house chores man!).

to successfully do that, i had to (or should i say, i chose to. that hurt! :( )give up some hobbies, like photography, writing and even reading books i like! (that are ofcourse nonwork-related). yeah, yeah. i practically sold my soul.

how do you buy back your soul?

can my hard-earned wage be enough?
**it's friday da sahod day today**

i settled for voyeurism.

but i realized there is no satisfaction much more happiness in that.

it's like watching but not really looking.

i've been too ashamed and yeah, complacent to go back and retrace my steps to you.

and so, it is with ache that i look at you now.
with distant familiarity. like i'm not worthy of your company.
that if i dare look you straight with my eyes, i'd see the piercing hatred and painful abandonment.
and that is why i have probably been avoiding to even scan on you.

it is with longing that i'd like to get to know you again.
to share my recent past, my pain and my soulless self.
i admit this is a cheap shot at making you understand why i left you.
but i pray that with that understanding will come forgiveness.

-- my open letter to firewomyn (my blog, my alter-ego) --


proof that i am trying to go back to my ways:
last pic i've taken:

Sales & Marketing 101

Sum-where? :(

Summer has officially ended.
Sigh.
It rained this afternoon. Hard.
Sigh again.
I've never liked rainy season.
It makes me feel lethargic.
It feels gloomy.
Unless I'm locked in a room with gf and we're watching tv/dvd, eating or cuddling.
Hay sarap :)

Lessons from G(r)ay Matters

We often don't end up w/ our first love. Sad.
But what matters is, we can have a second, a third, and a so on :) hehe.

Sometimes, a kiss is all it takes.
Of course, the body and face where the kiss is coming from matters too :)

Too often, we are the last to know that we are gay.
So never underestimate your friends' or family's gaydar.
Knowing is ok, acceptance from them, well, that's a different matter.

We can be friends to our dumped suitors.
This may seem weird, but it happens...
Once you get over the awkward feeling of guilt as the dumper, and the misery as the dumpee

Be careful of third wheels.
It messes up the signal and diffuses focus.
It also brings forth competition.
So call the third wheel reinforcement only if you don't like the girl.

A matter of fact: naive is cute. Appealing even. :)
Are you familiar with the new cow syndrome?
It says new cows or newly come out gays are the most attractive in the lot.
Something like a potent pheromone. So enjoy it while it lasts. :)

We Matter!

Finally! A mainstream g2g (girl to girl) flick that does not end in violence or tragedy.
*remember Monster? Boys Don't Cry?*

It's about a womyn who discovers one night that she is gay.
One drunken night (where she was sober and the other, above tipsy-below wasted state) in between good nights in bed, their lips ended up touching, then pressing, then probing, then … (this is turning me on. Wehehe).

After a mouthful, deep tongue kiss, the straight girl passes out. And the confused gay-to-be was left stunned at what just transpired.

The gay-in progress walking to and fro still in shock of what happened and more importantly what she felt. Twas yummy in a way that twists your tummy as if a ball of fire slowly builds up from down there going up to your chest. Whew! Whatta-gay-triggering kiss! :D

Gay life is full of drama and complications. I think it's ingrained in our genes. Never boring :)

Twas supposed to be a happy confusion, but only thing is, the girl who woke up the sleeping gay in her is her brother's fiancee.

At this point, I will stop, because I want you all to watch this blog-worthy film :)

In a few days, I'll post more thoughts about it as I don't want to put any spoiler
*in respect to the film I so currently love ;) *


http://www.graymattersmovie.com/

baguio tourism secret revealed!

i never thought it could be this cheap! :0

a fitting pasalubong to my g2g friends. hehe.

Love in transit

meron ako nakatabi sa mrt.
Astig na batang babae.
(i should omit 'batang', it makes me sound like a pedophile. ugh.)
Maganda, may gitara at may manipis na tirintas sa batok na nasa ilalim ng kanyang pony tail.
Kung anu-anong censored na ang naisip ko na ginagawa namen ü hehe.
Buti may dumating na mga taga-cubao, at napasiksik sya sa tabi ko. Hayy, kileg ü

ang tumabi sa kaliwa nya ay isang butch.
nakakatawa. kasi ang itsura namin, ako (femme), sya (na im sure object of our kamanyakan), butch (na umeepal pa, e ako na naunang katabi).

tinititigan ko reflection ng mukha nya sa katapat na window.
*shempre, para hindi naman garapal na manyak ang dating ko. ka-turnoff!*

Maamo na palaban. hmmm... may promise. :D
at ako naman, pademure na pasimpleng papansin.

Super text sya. as in every 5sec open ng cel at reply.
tantya ko, 10 words (in txt lingo) per second sya magtype.
super talented ng kanyang fingers.
totoo talaga, let your fingers do the talking and action!
wehehe. ayan na, kung anu-ano na naman naiisip ko. :D

I think kapuso/n sya.
kickass, pretty, rockin' girl like her, she can't be straight!
*okay, okay, heterophobic comment sya.*

Nasilip ko sa cel nya ang wallpaper nya.
Confirmed! Pic ng butch and pic nya e.
Angswerteng butch naman.
hay. *smitten*

G-ifts

I'm a very generous person.
I like giving to people.
I think I spend more on other people than on myself.
Specially true during Christmas.

Maybe it's the Santa Claus syndrome.
You want to make kids happy and the people you care for feel special.
These can be sweet little stuff that you can just throw up in the air, up for grabs to anyone who wants 'em. Read: meaningful, yet considerably or not pricey.

And then there's the Matrona syndrome.
This is lavishing someone with stuff s/he asks for or sometimes doesn’t ask from you but you think s/he needs or should have. The price oftentimes is incredulous and the only one who thinks it's ok is the matrona in the making.

Santa clause syndrome borders Matrona syndrome when the gift is unreasonable.
Yes my friends, relationships have a price tag.

Here's my relationship-price range:

a. Parents: 5-10k

b. Siblings: 1-2k (can go up as high as 4k depending on your closeness)

c. Jowa (meaning the feeling is mutual): 3-5k (if together for 2 yrs or more, can be as high as 6k)

d. Ex (na ikaw ang nagditch) - 500-1k (dahil may pinagsamahan naman kayo, but largely pampalubag loob for the heartache you gave him/her)

e. Ex (na ikaw ang iniwan for whatever reason) - 5-20 (pambili ng paputok para pasabugin nya mukha nya or pambili ng kape para tamaan naman sya ng kaba sa tuwing may lolokohin/iiwan sya)

f. Super friends (bestfriend level) - 1-2500k (ito yung kahit hindi kayo madalas magkita pero hindi nawawala ang depth of connection)

g. Frienditas (chika friends) - 400-600 (ito yung mga madalas mo makasama kasi madaling hatakin. In other words, mga kaladkarin)

h. Friendly friends (potential fling in the guise of friendship) - 300-500

i. Boss - 300-500 (dahil kailangang sumipsip paminsan-minsan)

j. Ofcmates - 100-200 (dahil kailangang may clout sa ofc kahit plastikan lang)


! Gulat factor: !
I got my first birthday greeting last night.
First kasi way ahead ang greeting nya.
Touched na sana ako, kaso the real deal is, she thought my bday was tomorrow! :D
Nonetheless.
I got my first birthday gift kanina.
First kasi malayo pa ang birthday ko!
Super touched ako kasi, she gave me what I wanted and more! :)

I got a bag-ful of tubaws,
a necklace na pinitas pa daw nya sa pusod ng dagat,
and the best of all that made me smile then laugh … a musical greeting card! --- priceless!!! ;)

ocular experience

Ang sakit ng kaliwang suso ko!
Yan ang gusto ko sabihin para magbiro.
Pero ang totoo, puso ko ang masakit.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Parang pinipiga sa kamao at dumudugo sya.
Habang inuubos ang dugo nya. Sya ding agos ng luha ko.
Hindi ko mapigilan.
Kesyong nasa opisina ako at nasa sasakyan kanina.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Pinasisikip nya ang dibdib ko.
Nahihirapan akong huminga.
Hindi ako kumain mula tanghali hanggang gabi.
Hindi dahil fasting ako kasi ash Wednesday.
Isa itong hunger strike.
Hmp.
Niyaya akong magsimba ni jowa kaso I don’t feel religious today.
Specially when I'm losing my faith.
Winarningan ko rin si jowa na I'll be a lousy companion today.
Kung sigurado syang gusto nya pa rin ako makita after nya magsimba.
At sigurado rin akong pinagdasal ako ni jowa para luminaw ang pag-iisip ko.
Hanggang dyan na lang ang pdeng luminaw.
Kasi ang mata ko, hangga't hindi napapalitan/naibabalik ang salamin kong (tangena!!!!) nawala, ndi na ito lilinaw pa.



Oh Fact!
a. 30 lang grado ng eye glasses ko, prescribed for astigmatism.

b. Guess ang tatak nya. Ang lens nya ay nag-iiba ng shade depende sa lighting condition. So shades/eye glasses sya.

c. Ang salamin na ito ay nakuha ko ng libre courtesy of office optical/medical benefit ko from last year.

d. 3rd choice ko lang sya sa mga nashortlist ko na eye glasses. Top choice ko ay oakley na black rimmed and isa na I can't remember the brand, pero violet rimmed sya. Both are priced at 12k++. Guess ang cheapest. Out of vengeance, I want as replacement, my second choice na violet-rimmed.

So bakit halos maglupasay ako sa pasay dahil sa pagkawala nito?
Meron kasi syang continental value.
Ito ang aking first ever eye glasses.
It took me and jowa 3days back and forth to the malls looking for the perfect eye glasses for me.
Halos tumaas na grado ng mata ko nun kakapili and kakasukat. Susme!
To undergo that same grueling process is something I'm not excited about.


Word of Mouth:

Astigmatism - meron ako nito. Hindi dahil astig ako. Kala ko noon astig ako. Pero nung nangyari 'tong trahedya na to sa buhay ko, isa pala akong marshmallow sa lembot.
Bakit kaya astig-matism tawag sa kanya? Hindi dahil astig ang meron nito. Pero astig sa tindi ang sakit na dulot nito! Masuka-suka ka na gusto mong mag-headbang sa nearest pader.

glass half empty

I am so stupid.
I lost my 2-month old eye glasses worth 9k.
I left it in the cab this morning, when I took it off to fix my hair and placed it on the seat.
It is so far the most expensive stuff I've lost.
I don’t know how to recover from this awful feeling.
Since I've worn that eye glasses, I haven't had headaches anymore.
I have astigmatism.
Now, I have to take advil everyday again.
I'm actually in tears.
And I thought I'm going to be lucky this year as what the chinese new year prophesized.
So much for luck.
It's been countless bad luck since january.
I hate myself.
I hate this life.

work out

i have finally liberated myself from office misery.
i have removed my backlog and sent 'em to my almighty boss, accepting whatever consequence may result.
and it's out there.
no more looking back, just living ahead.
the ball is in his court.

so far, nothing career changing effect has happened yet.
but if ever it does, i'll be okay.

my friend and gf have finally convinced me that it is normal and right to look for other opportunities even if you're still committed to your current work.
i have been battling with that decision for the longest time.
being part of management, i always thought that it is betrayal to seek greener pasture elsewhere when you're still connected with a current job.
that it is unethical.
and the only just way is to officially resign, leave the company, then (only then) hunt for the next job.

but as everyone i know pointed out, reality doesn't work that way.
you only leave once you have secured yourself with a new job.

is it just me or them?

i have staunchly tried to be firm about my beliefs.
but as i continue to be unhappy and restless, the prospect of a new beginning, a reset, is twisting my hard held notions on work ethics to bend with reality.

each day that i say my mantra, 'may mas okay pang iba', i get more convinced.

this ethical dilemma at work makes me wonder if the same applies in relationships.
i have always been the type who never gives up, until the other person gives up on me. i am this stubborn and dreamy and stupid a lot of times.

i always hoped that things will turn out ok in the end.
at least you can't blame me for not trying.
that's why when it ends, it truly is the end. no encore, no ellipsis.
it is with finality and no turning back.

thus, i can't apply the common rule that 'you must first have a fallback before leaving the present' in my relationships.
i'm into single-minded approach.
in other words, naka-helmet ako.

you can say, my values are the same when it comes to work and relationships.
i struggle and do my darn best to make things work, exhaust all options to save and stay.

and if after everything i still fail, i leave.
carrying no baggages, just memories and lessons learned.




parting shot: in organizing my messy life, i started with something doable and achievable. like my desk. my favorite school/ofc supplies, pens and pencils! :)
this is my first time to have a pen/cil holder. and i've ached between transparent plastic theme or aqua. color won over. so i'm planning to have aqua theme on my table :) in time for summer. hehe.

btw, in case you're interested, learned this in "how to simpify your life" by tiki kustenmacher.

para sa mga single

believe in love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance,
and have faith that in this love there is a strength
and a blessing so large that you can travel
as far as you wish without having to step out it.

-rainer maria rilke
letters to a young poet