wedding

I said I'll write tom, but I just want to spill now.

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Just got home from a cousin's wedding. Everybody's asking when will I go next? As if it's some queue everyone has to pass thru. They had an AVP of the couple's history. And in my mind, my own history's playing, my childhood, till gf and I met and our happy "hidden" pictures. My happiness for the couple slowly got replaced by sadness as the reality of my not having my own wedding becomes clear. I'm picturing my homophobic clan on one side in the reception venue and my gay friends on the other, with my gay-friendly lot in between. I would most def wear a gown, my gf, am not sure yet. I'll mix it with purple. We'd look gorgeous. The mood will be festive, it will be fun, everybody will be game. Everyone will for once be open and accepting. We'll have wine and dancing and singing too.

This is the literal "dream" wedding. I said I was sad because my dream's chance is bleak for now. God I want to get married. If I can, I would in a heartbeat. But painfully I can't, not just yet. I look at my mom, my sisters and how they don’t have an inkling of my heart's longing, well at least not the way they're envisioning it for me. I can always reason, it's my life, my wedding. But I want my family to be there, happy for me, happy and at peace with my decision. Which they can't be as long as they wear their homophobia as second skin.


I'm tired. Family affairs are always tiresome, haggard even. More so if you're in a constant grind to try to wed love for family and love for who you are, personal freedom and family peace.I'm tired, but I'll continue trying.