Crush(ed)

i can't sing to save my life. it's a crime to be tone deaf in the age of videoke and plugged nation. but i manage to survive thru other non-musical talents. hehe. so i guess i can't be blamed for easily falling/get attracted to girls who rock it.

once on an out of town work planning stint where we went to a bar after, i went gaga over a vocalist/guitarist. she sings gwen stefani songs, she's in mini UK plaid skirt with boots and clunky necklaces. i instantly became a freakin shriekin fan. and i was in cloud nine. but being out of town, didn't see her again. sigh.

months later at an exclusive party organized by my ex, i saw her again (yey!) with her bandmate (they're 2 cool chicks). omg. it pumped me high. but then i learned from the circle, that she and her mestiza bandmate are a couple. OUCH. still a freakin, shriekin fan though, i stared at her endlessly as she lifted me to rock and roll heaven with every girl angsty song. by second set, i noticed that she's drunk. at the restroom, she went knocking at every cube asking for ciggies. i was in one of the cubes, and goddammit, why didn't i ever smoke! i went out of my cube and she was still there. wasted! slumped. crying, snots and whatnot. there i was in front of my super duper rocker crush, in a vulnerable state, a golden opportunity really, and all i can do was just stare. before i could even muster a movement near her, other girls came in. rocker crush sluggishly stood up and asked them again for smoke. mental note: seriously consider social smoking. others have done more for love, smoking (with the risk of bad breath, yellow teeth, black lips, ohyeah, and lung cancer too) is such a small price/investment to win over the girl of your fantasy.

i went out, kicking my ass for the biggest stupid act of my life. back at my seat, i can only fume and drink. as the music became upbeat, people started dancing. rocker crush was in the dance floor dancing to herself, she then went hopping at each table, asking the girls to go dance. she was jumping with drink on one hand and smoke on the other. she was more wasted now. i have a suspicion she took in other stuff too. she kept hugging everyone in between jumps and puff. and i was transfixed at what i do best, stare at her endlessly.

i should be ecstatic to finally see again my rocker crush, but watching her crumble by whatever she took, be it alcohol, smoke, drugs, pain, i only felt sadness. her supposed gf was there, mingling with the other women. they appear cool, but rocker crush i sensed is in trouble. so much that she drowns it with all the numbing stuff available that night.


i didn't see her anymore after that night. that night when the crush i nurtured actually got crushed. i hope the same songs she sang that lifted me to various heights be the same songs that heal her heart.