a tug

Am not happy, not sad. Am i disappointed? I say, I could have done better. I look back at 2010 and that's it? To be fair to myself, I think I hit a few marks I aimed for. But in close scrutiny, my 2010 feels lazy, like just afloat. So I was wondering if somewhere along I did a paradigm shift and decided to take things slow. I started optimistic, then depressed midway, then ditched emotionality and went on. Just went on, with less fire. I probably got tired. And for once just went on. But by doing so, I sorta feel an underachiever. Which goes against my grain, because am ambitious. But exhaustion got the better of me I guess. So here I am, in my "went on" mode, thinking, if twas all a mistake. But then in the end, what matters to me the most anyway? Is it ambition or balance? Is it fire or calm? Is it peace or passion?

I know that my heart breathes fire, but I figured that it's not sustainable for me. With passion comes pain, anger, not just love and desire. And it's consuming me that am afraid there may be nothing left of me after. But while peace, calm, balance work for some, I learned that it's not what my heart needs. It’s not beating as fast as it did before. There's not enough blood being pumped to it. And I miss that tempo I was born with.

Maybe this is why there's only the expression "follow your heart" and not "follow your mind". So why not leave sustainable to the environment and the pro-greens, and live to my heart's desire. Because to sustain a life, you got to feed the heart first, and the rest will follow. =)

If this heart wants fire, then let's see some blaze! Hehe. Happy New Year everyone!