Sum-where? :(

Summer has officially ended.
Sigh.
It rained this afternoon. Hard.
Sigh again.
I've never liked rainy season.
It makes me feel lethargic.
It feels gloomy.
Unless I'm locked in a room with gf and we're watching tv/dvd, eating or cuddling.
Hay sarap :)

Lessons from G(r)ay Matters

We often don't end up w/ our first love. Sad.
But what matters is, we can have a second, a third, and a so on :) hehe.

Sometimes, a kiss is all it takes.
Of course, the body and face where the kiss is coming from matters too :)

Too often, we are the last to know that we are gay.
So never underestimate your friends' or family's gaydar.
Knowing is ok, acceptance from them, well, that's a different matter.

We can be friends to our dumped suitors.
This may seem weird, but it happens...
Once you get over the awkward feeling of guilt as the dumper, and the misery as the dumpee

Be careful of third wheels.
It messes up the signal and diffuses focus.
It also brings forth competition.
So call the third wheel reinforcement only if you don't like the girl.

A matter of fact: naive is cute. Appealing even. :)
Are you familiar with the new cow syndrome?
It says new cows or newly come out gays are the most attractive in the lot.
Something like a potent pheromone. So enjoy it while it lasts. :)

We Matter!

Finally! A mainstream g2g (girl to girl) flick that does not end in violence or tragedy.
*remember Monster? Boys Don't Cry?*

It's about a womyn who discovers one night that she is gay.
One drunken night (where she was sober and the other, above tipsy-below wasted state) in between good nights in bed, their lips ended up touching, then pressing, then probing, then … (this is turning me on. Wehehe).

After a mouthful, deep tongue kiss, the straight girl passes out. And the confused gay-to-be was left stunned at what just transpired.

The gay-in progress walking to and fro still in shock of what happened and more importantly what she felt. Twas yummy in a way that twists your tummy as if a ball of fire slowly builds up from down there going up to your chest. Whew! Whatta-gay-triggering kiss! :D

Gay life is full of drama and complications. I think it's ingrained in our genes. Never boring :)

Twas supposed to be a happy confusion, but only thing is, the girl who woke up the sleeping gay in her is her brother's fiancee.

At this point, I will stop, because I want you all to watch this blog-worthy film :)

In a few days, I'll post more thoughts about it as I don't want to put any spoiler
*in respect to the film I so currently love ;) *


http://www.graymattersmovie.com/

baguio tourism secret revealed!

i never thought it could be this cheap! :0

a fitting pasalubong to my g2g friends. hehe.

Love in transit

meron ako nakatabi sa mrt.
Astig na batang babae.
(i should omit 'batang', it makes me sound like a pedophile. ugh.)
Maganda, may gitara at may manipis na tirintas sa batok na nasa ilalim ng kanyang pony tail.
Kung anu-anong censored na ang naisip ko na ginagawa namen ü hehe.
Buti may dumating na mga taga-cubao, at napasiksik sya sa tabi ko. Hayy, kileg ü

ang tumabi sa kaliwa nya ay isang butch.
nakakatawa. kasi ang itsura namin, ako (femme), sya (na im sure object of our kamanyakan), butch (na umeepal pa, e ako na naunang katabi).

tinititigan ko reflection ng mukha nya sa katapat na window.
*shempre, para hindi naman garapal na manyak ang dating ko. ka-turnoff!*

Maamo na palaban. hmmm... may promise. :D
at ako naman, pademure na pasimpleng papansin.

Super text sya. as in every 5sec open ng cel at reply.
tantya ko, 10 words (in txt lingo) per second sya magtype.
super talented ng kanyang fingers.
totoo talaga, let your fingers do the talking and action!
wehehe. ayan na, kung anu-ano na naman naiisip ko. :D

I think kapuso/n sya.
kickass, pretty, rockin' girl like her, she can't be straight!
*okay, okay, heterophobic comment sya.*

Nasilip ko sa cel nya ang wallpaper nya.
Confirmed! Pic ng butch and pic nya e.
Angswerteng butch naman.
hay. *smitten*

G-ifts

I'm a very generous person.
I like giving to people.
I think I spend more on other people than on myself.
Specially true during Christmas.

Maybe it's the Santa Claus syndrome.
You want to make kids happy and the people you care for feel special.
These can be sweet little stuff that you can just throw up in the air, up for grabs to anyone who wants 'em. Read: meaningful, yet considerably or not pricey.

And then there's the Matrona syndrome.
This is lavishing someone with stuff s/he asks for or sometimes doesn’t ask from you but you think s/he needs or should have. The price oftentimes is incredulous and the only one who thinks it's ok is the matrona in the making.

Santa clause syndrome borders Matrona syndrome when the gift is unreasonable.
Yes my friends, relationships have a price tag.

Here's my relationship-price range:

a. Parents: 5-10k

b. Siblings: 1-2k (can go up as high as 4k depending on your closeness)

c. Jowa (meaning the feeling is mutual): 3-5k (if together for 2 yrs or more, can be as high as 6k)

d. Ex (na ikaw ang nagditch) - 500-1k (dahil may pinagsamahan naman kayo, but largely pampalubag loob for the heartache you gave him/her)

e. Ex (na ikaw ang iniwan for whatever reason) - 5-20 (pambili ng paputok para pasabugin nya mukha nya or pambili ng kape para tamaan naman sya ng kaba sa tuwing may lolokohin/iiwan sya)

f. Super friends (bestfriend level) - 1-2500k (ito yung kahit hindi kayo madalas magkita pero hindi nawawala ang depth of connection)

g. Frienditas (chika friends) - 400-600 (ito yung mga madalas mo makasama kasi madaling hatakin. In other words, mga kaladkarin)

h. Friendly friends (potential fling in the guise of friendship) - 300-500

i. Boss - 300-500 (dahil kailangang sumipsip paminsan-minsan)

j. Ofcmates - 100-200 (dahil kailangang may clout sa ofc kahit plastikan lang)


! Gulat factor: !
I got my first birthday greeting last night.
First kasi way ahead ang greeting nya.
Touched na sana ako, kaso the real deal is, she thought my bday was tomorrow! :D
Nonetheless.
I got my first birthday gift kanina.
First kasi malayo pa ang birthday ko!
Super touched ako kasi, she gave me what I wanted and more! :)

I got a bag-ful of tubaws,
a necklace na pinitas pa daw nya sa pusod ng dagat,
and the best of all that made me smile then laugh … a musical greeting card! --- priceless!!! ;)

ocular experience

Ang sakit ng kaliwang suso ko!
Yan ang gusto ko sabihin para magbiro.
Pero ang totoo, puso ko ang masakit.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Parang pinipiga sa kamao at dumudugo sya.
Habang inuubos ang dugo nya. Sya ding agos ng luha ko.
Hindi ko mapigilan.
Kesyong nasa opisina ako at nasa sasakyan kanina.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Pinasisikip nya ang dibdib ko.
Nahihirapan akong huminga.
Hindi ako kumain mula tanghali hanggang gabi.
Hindi dahil fasting ako kasi ash Wednesday.
Isa itong hunger strike.
Hmp.
Niyaya akong magsimba ni jowa kaso I don’t feel religious today.
Specially when I'm losing my faith.
Winarningan ko rin si jowa na I'll be a lousy companion today.
Kung sigurado syang gusto nya pa rin ako makita after nya magsimba.
At sigurado rin akong pinagdasal ako ni jowa para luminaw ang pag-iisip ko.
Hanggang dyan na lang ang pdeng luminaw.
Kasi ang mata ko, hangga't hindi napapalitan/naibabalik ang salamin kong (tangena!!!!) nawala, ndi na ito lilinaw pa.



Oh Fact!
a. 30 lang grado ng eye glasses ko, prescribed for astigmatism.

b. Guess ang tatak nya. Ang lens nya ay nag-iiba ng shade depende sa lighting condition. So shades/eye glasses sya.

c. Ang salamin na ito ay nakuha ko ng libre courtesy of office optical/medical benefit ko from last year.

d. 3rd choice ko lang sya sa mga nashortlist ko na eye glasses. Top choice ko ay oakley na black rimmed and isa na I can't remember the brand, pero violet rimmed sya. Both are priced at 12k++. Guess ang cheapest. Out of vengeance, I want as replacement, my second choice na violet-rimmed.

So bakit halos maglupasay ako sa pasay dahil sa pagkawala nito?
Meron kasi syang continental value.
Ito ang aking first ever eye glasses.
It took me and jowa 3days back and forth to the malls looking for the perfect eye glasses for me.
Halos tumaas na grado ng mata ko nun kakapili and kakasukat. Susme!
To undergo that same grueling process is something I'm not excited about.


Word of Mouth:

Astigmatism - meron ako nito. Hindi dahil astig ako. Kala ko noon astig ako. Pero nung nangyari 'tong trahedya na to sa buhay ko, isa pala akong marshmallow sa lembot.
Bakit kaya astig-matism tawag sa kanya? Hindi dahil astig ang meron nito. Pero astig sa tindi ang sakit na dulot nito! Masuka-suka ka na gusto mong mag-headbang sa nearest pader.

glass half empty

I am so stupid.
I lost my 2-month old eye glasses worth 9k.
I left it in the cab this morning, when I took it off to fix my hair and placed it on the seat.
It is so far the most expensive stuff I've lost.
I don’t know how to recover from this awful feeling.
Since I've worn that eye glasses, I haven't had headaches anymore.
I have astigmatism.
Now, I have to take advil everyday again.
I'm actually in tears.
And I thought I'm going to be lucky this year as what the chinese new year prophesized.
So much for luck.
It's been countless bad luck since january.
I hate myself.
I hate this life.

work out

i have finally liberated myself from office misery.
i have removed my backlog and sent 'em to my almighty boss, accepting whatever consequence may result.
and it's out there.
no more looking back, just living ahead.
the ball is in his court.

so far, nothing career changing effect has happened yet.
but if ever it does, i'll be okay.

my friend and gf have finally convinced me that it is normal and right to look for other opportunities even if you're still committed to your current work.
i have been battling with that decision for the longest time.
being part of management, i always thought that it is betrayal to seek greener pasture elsewhere when you're still connected with a current job.
that it is unethical.
and the only just way is to officially resign, leave the company, then (only then) hunt for the next job.

but as everyone i know pointed out, reality doesn't work that way.
you only leave once you have secured yourself with a new job.

is it just me or them?

i have staunchly tried to be firm about my beliefs.
but as i continue to be unhappy and restless, the prospect of a new beginning, a reset, is twisting my hard held notions on work ethics to bend with reality.

each day that i say my mantra, 'may mas okay pang iba', i get more convinced.

this ethical dilemma at work makes me wonder if the same applies in relationships.
i have always been the type who never gives up, until the other person gives up on me. i am this stubborn and dreamy and stupid a lot of times.

i always hoped that things will turn out ok in the end.
at least you can't blame me for not trying.
that's why when it ends, it truly is the end. no encore, no ellipsis.
it is with finality and no turning back.

thus, i can't apply the common rule that 'you must first have a fallback before leaving the present' in my relationships.
i'm into single-minded approach.
in other words, naka-helmet ako.

you can say, my values are the same when it comes to work and relationships.
i struggle and do my darn best to make things work, exhaust all options to save and stay.

and if after everything i still fail, i leave.
carrying no baggages, just memories and lessons learned.




parting shot: in organizing my messy life, i started with something doable and achievable. like my desk. my favorite school/ofc supplies, pens and pencils! :)
this is my first time to have a pen/cil holder. and i've ached between transparent plastic theme or aqua. color won over. so i'm planning to have aqua theme on my table :) in time for summer. hehe.

btw, in case you're interested, learned this in "how to simpify your life" by tiki kustenmacher.

para sa mga single

believe in love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance,
and have faith that in this love there is a strength
and a blessing so large that you can travel
as far as you wish without having to step out it.

-rainer maria rilke
letters to a young poet

law of love

Isa ako sa mga biniyayaan ng pag-ibig.
Punung puno ako ng pag-ibig.
Kung pde lang ito ipamahagi sa lahat ng babaeng nakilala ko, ginawa ko na.
Kaso contrary to the gospel, love is selfish.
It is territorial.
At dahil dyan, kahit gusto kong magshare ng aking puso, ndi pde.
Kasi may nagma-may-ari na nito.
Hay, napakaswerte nya!
Sana alam nya yun! :D
Never ko naisip na ako ay submissive type.
Pero sa aming dalawa, feeling ko sya ang batas.

case 1:
An hr before lunch
Gf: may lunch kme ng barkada ha.
Ako: (sa isip ko: !@#$%^&*!!!!) ok. *sabay tahimik na lang*
ang style, papaguilty. Kaso minsan, ndi umeepek. Waaapak!
Gf: naiinis ka ba?
Ako: hindi. Ok lang ako. *sabay haba ng ilong ko. Amplastik! Tangina.*
Gf: naiinis ka eh.
Ako: *natural!!! Pagpalit mo ba naman ako sa barkada mo eh. Amp!* ok nga lang sabi ko. *ngingiti ng pilit*
Verdict: sya ang batas

case 2:
Ako: maaga ako uuwi.
Gf: may gym ako e.
Ako: ok
Gf: maaantay mo ba ako?
Ako: try ko. Text text na lang
Gf: gusto mo ba antayin kita?
Ako: *ofcourse da corrs!* sana.
Gf: sige, ndi na ko magggym.
Ako: agahan mo na lang gym mo.
Gf: ung aero na gusto ko an hr after pa e.
Ako: magweights ka na lang muna
Gf: o sige na nga.
Verdict: ako ang batas. Hehe.

So sino ang batas sa min?
Pareho pala kme. Depende kung sino ang tinatamad maki-argue.
Sya kasi, ndi na nagtatanong.
Ako nagcoconsult pa.
Infairness naman, alam na nya kung ndi ako natutuwa sa sinabi nya. Pero tinatry pa rin nya just in case makalusot. Ako, may tendency na ipilit gusto ko.
Wala lang, minsan gusto mo lang mag-inarte at masunod minsan. Hehe.
I guess, love ang batas at kme ay law-love abiding citizens :)
So may justice pa rin in the law of love.
hay, ang korni ko.

my brutal truth

How do I begin when my career feels like ending?
Mistakes are hard to swallow, much more if other people points it out to me.
*goddamn pride*
With so many errors committed,
I don't know how to redeem myself.
"good to great" book says confront the brutal facts,
And have the optimism that things will still turn out ok.
Gulp!
I pray its gospel is true or applies to my predicament.
3 months from now will be m evaluation again.
I already know that it won't look good.
Just worrying abt it gives me nightmares and tension already.
I'm scared. Ashamed. And face flat on the floor down.
Sabi nila, when you're down, there's no way to go but up.
Sounds easy specially when you spit that quote to another person.
But when it's myself down there, I feel lost.
How can I move up when I feel paralyzed in this quagmire?
I'm trapped in a state of negativity which is causing my depression.
How I wish nagyoyosi ako or tumotoma, that way I can just smoke or drink away this suffering.
I'm scared. I'm ashamed. Down. And I need help..
I'm writing in my newly bought notebook.
It's a cheap shot for a restart.
I don't smoke nor drink (heavily).
But I write. Occasionally.
On moments of depression, desperation, inspiration.
2 out of 3.
That's why it has to be a new notebook. :)

out with it

wrote this last month...

How can you know someone loves you and yet not feel it?
Does love have to be a regular feeling?
Is it true what they say that if it's fleeting it's not love?
Damn! I'm in my longest relationship and I'm shit scared.
It seems along with the years, the combustion of passion and mind blowing feeling of deep emotion and physical attraction is slowly being exhumed.
I hate this.
It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, only thing is, it's your life you see scene after scene as tragedy is about to set in.
Ohgosh.
I've intentionally avoided writing about this or really thinking about it bec by doing so, I'm recognizing the validity and existence of the problem. Our problem.
I don't feel loved. At times.
She's not that romantic anymore, nor adventurous.
She's settled.
Dammit, that's supposed to sound good right?
But it doesn't feel good I tell you.
Being settled means you stop trying.
It's tantamount to complacency.
Even laziness!
Geez.
Am I just being demanding?
I want the world. Her heart and soul and guts and blood and all the dark and carnal desires or thoughts she has.
I sure hell deserve that.
I don’t want us to be polite.
I want us to be inlove. Fighting, arguing about the most mundane of things, then kiss and make wild love make up after. laughing about our silliness and idiosyncrasies. dreaming about the things we very hope for, however unrealistic they are.
I don't want us going to the motion of being a couple equating to monotony and passiveness.
Siguro kulang lang ako sa s-x.
I gotta pee.

a month after, a pee, and some uhmph, it's a whole different story.

where are you?

I havent seen you in a while that you almost feel like a stranger to me.
It's been a long while. How have you been? What have you been up to?
I missed you, you know.
I don't feel your warmth anymore.
It's like you've been crazy busy, yet, you look lifeless.
I wonder why.
Why don't you speak to me?
Do you still want me?
If only I can reach you and hug the life back to you.
Why are you giving up?
Where's the faith?
And the courage?
You said before that I'm your passion.
What happened to that profession of love and deep feeling?
Was it just a fleeting emotion?
I'd very like to hate you.
And leave you.
But I can't.
I just forgive you.
For all your weakness.
For all your mistakes.

*conversation with my writer self*

florita, glenda

sunod sunod na bagyo.
mistula nang bugbog sarado.

kelan ba hihinto?
bakit laging ganito?

ilan ba ang dapat isakripisyo?
kaydami nang yumao.

kawawa na ang mga tao.
nanghihina sa pagkahapo.

umaasang magbabago.
at aalis ang dayo.

pero sa huli'y iiwan tayong talo.
basa, lubog, sugatan, wasak at ndi buo.

Lez Go!

The L Word Night Season 3 - Party for A Cause

An All Womyn Dance Party
when: June 30, 2006, 9pm. open bar 9-11pm.
where: Athena Plaza Bldg., Eastwood City, Libis

Ticket price: P250

http://www.purpleplanetonline.ph.tc/

*by some weird technical glitch nadelete ung entry ko na to. kaso outdated na yung iba, so ito na lang tinira ko*

ah basta!

basta may tulay, may pulubi.

basta may coffee shop, may EB.

basta may badtrip, may LQ.

basta may gym, may gay.

*may madadagdag ba kayo? :) *

Sunday morning

singing a diff tune now :)
in short, bati na kami :)
making up.
making love.


Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?

grrrr!!!!

Lokohin mo na lasing, wag lang ang bagong gising.
Pero may mas masahol pa dyan.
Mambitin ka na sa lahat, wag lang sa tutut!
Kahit pipi mapapamura pag ginawa mo yun.
Tangina.
Andaming nagkakarandapa sa 'king makipag-tutut!, tapos jowa mo, dalawang beses ka bibitinin?!
Take note ha, 2x!
Abuso na to.
Sawa na ko sa kamay ko.
Ayoko na rin pumunta sa bahay nila at makipagkwentuhan sa pamilya nya.
Ayoko na ng pleasantries.
gusto ko bastusan naman.
Tangina talaga.
Grabe, never ko naimagine na cause for break-up pala ang tutut!!
Parang ambabaw di ba?
Baka isipin nyo nympho ako.
2mos na kayong ndi nagtu-tutut!.
makatarungan ba yon?!
Kung ayaw nya ng tutut!, pwes ako gusto ko.
ngayon, kung sa akin nya ayaw makipagtutut!, e di makipagbreak sya!
Pakshet.
Fuck you!
Mali pala.
Dapat .. Fuck me!

cr moment

there's a pretty tall girl in the ofc who commented to me (as i was fixing my hair):

tall & pretty: i always like your outfits. *i can swear she said this soo sensually, voice trailing as she entered the cubicle*
me: .. and i've always liked you. *wink*

of course that comment I just gave came from dreamland.
my back-to-earth reply was a gulp and, "gee, thanks." with a shy smile. *magpa-girl daw ba?!*