because (andami kong because sa simula ng posts no? hehehe) may pinagdadaanan ako, i need a theme song. sabi nila this is the age of abundance specially in information and opinion. pwes ako abundance in emotions and trials.

by Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

At the curtain's call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

i wana hide the truth - kasi sa sobrang apaw ng stress ko gusto ko nang magsumbong sa fb. ilabas ang gusto nang sumabog na damdamin. but then i always stop myself. my network includes my boss, my colleagues, admirers (naks!), family who look up to me. i don't want to be a source of negativity. i want to as much as possible inspire and help people. pero sabi nga sa airplane advisory, save yourself first (oxygen mask) before others. 

that's why i had go back to this safe place. this blog. i actually forgot the password already! had to recover it to be able to post.

kung anak ang blog, isa na akong pabayang ina!:(


from hell

because am going nuts lately. at first i thought of creating a new blog, just for rants. but then, that'll take time to set up. and i needed to vent already.

just a quick recap so you know am not ignoring you guys.

i accepted a job offer that practically consumed most of my days and nights. i didn't realize i was exchanging my soul when i took that offer from hell. true it got me promoted, awarded, but it cost me my life and my health. that's when i started blogging less. i just only have energy for sleeping.

so i did that gig for two years then moved to a different job that's supposed to be less demanding but this a-hole boss decided to add 3 unrelated roles on top of my official post. it satisfied the superwomyn in me, but again, it cost me life deprivation once again.

i started post grad last year so that plus work up to my forehead, things went from crazy to really insanely wild. like i had 3 days of no sleep, surviving on caffeine and adrenaline because of piling deadlines. so it led to hyperacidity, flying temper, chest pains, tummy flabs, layers of eye bags, stress eating, skin breakout, didn't see my friends in a long while, and zero sex with gf. the only saving grace is that my gf never left me throughout that time. even though we rarely see each other anymore.

am on year 2 with post grad  and the deadlines are getting tougher. so things are not settling. then the boss of my boss last month decided to make the completion date our our project two months early! and add scope to another project. something i carefully planned and managed suddenly became haywire and i was working everyday again, morning and evening. breaking compliance on processes, daily conference calls to restrategize and come up with a solution to mission impossible. i crossed lines with some people, violated some processes, pushed and screamed at so many consultants already and have gained enemies. some got scared of me (people of higher position than mine) just by my emails, which to me was just a straightforward email, not an angry one. but i guess that's the scary part. because angry had been my new normal. it's really chaotic to a point i want to resign and already have existential crisis.

when you are so exhausted already, you suddenly ask yourself. why the hell am i doing this, killing myself, all for what? for the bonus of the powers that be and also for me to get trickled down with some leftover bonus? have i come to that? hindi naman ako G na G as they say (gipit na gipit). but they know the right buttons to press. i am a very committed person even on challenging situations. i enjoy problem solving and making impossible, possible.

so the moral of my story or rather  rant? *epiphany* tangina naman! i brought this upon myself. ouch! that hurt! it is easy to blame my jerk of a boss and his prick of a boss, but then i suck it all in and now am turning blue and suffocating.

that's sad no? hay buhay. parang easy, but then i make it difficult by always wanting to prove i can make things happen.

pwede naman i just be lazy and say can't be done. but no! am like a soldier, a genie minus the power gleefully saying your wish is my command. slave mentality. again. i never learn.

hay uli. yan muna at kailangan ko munang mag-isip. yep, about work. fml.



soo sleepy. been very hectic. work, postgrad, loads of errands. plus late night catch ups on AlDub. yeah, am a fan :) universal appeal of kilig and romance. i'd take that anytime. hehe. am easy that way. i came out to my new boss and he was cool with it. so much he admitted to having slept with a trans before and doesn't mind it at all. we're getting along well. yey! speaking of which, a friend/colleague before of mine just fully transitioned to womanhood! wow! she just completed this a couple of weeks ago at Thailand. soo happy for her. she looks more gorgeous than many of my female friends actually. more so now. a lez staff of mine resigned bec she fell for me. did i mention she has  a gf of many years? more kwento about that in the future.

gf is overseas  currently for her  work. my business trip this week got cancelled. so am suddenly left with available time which sounds alien to me. where to last minute go when many local airlines' flights got cancelled? i  asked around and many can't go with me. it seems as i got busier, so did my friends. or maybe many of them have moved on to be with other circles. the good thing is am also okay being alone. i enjoy observing strangers anyway. but company will always be nice :)

okay, after that short rambling, am still sleepy though less than earlier. and it feels like i am practicing writing. it feels effortful to write. year-long writing academic papers for school have made writing less fun. it's stressful! hopefully i get better and more efficient with this school thing.

am  also on the look out for a new job. work has been frustrating and makes me feel like rotting. i realized it's a mismatch. but getting a new job isn't as easy before. or maybe am just impatient. i just started applying again two weeks ago. so far no call back. boo-hoo! so yeah i need this break. to just rest and wander and recharge too. sana pwedeng matulog tapos pag gising ko December na para masaya :)

... still sleepy... zzz...




hi zebra!

I was caged in chains up to my eyeballs with work and so I wasn’t able to watch live the Oscar telecast. By the time I got home, too spent to even brush my teeth, I can only search youtube for the speeches. I of course started with the supporting actors because I save the best for last, the main actors.

Best Supporting Actor, J.K. Simmons - couldn't relate to his speech but the call your parents thing is good.

Best Supporting Actress, Patricia Arquette - she's okay, but kinda emotionless for me as she read her speech, yada yada, equal pay for women.

Best Actor, Eddie Redmayne - touching because he was emotional with his surprise of the win. And I love his accent btw. :)

Best Actress, Julianne Moore - I hoped she win this time because she's been nominated infinitum, plus I've seen Still Alice and cried a lot, worried for my own future should I have Alzheimer. Whenever I forget small stuff, I kid gf to remind me if I am being progressively forgetful, because you know, Alzheimer. And she would just laugh at me.

Then nothing left to check, the Graham Moore guy appeared on the feed and so being trigger happy, clicked away.

Best Adapted Screenplay, Graham Moore -

"When I was 16 years old,I tried to kill myself because I felt weird and I felt different and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here and so I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere. Yes, you do. I promise you do. You do. Stay weird, stay different. And then when it's your turn and you're standing on this stage, please pass the same message to the next person who comes along." - Graham Moore, Oscar's 2015 Best Adapted Screenplay for The Imitation Game



His speech is a hugot level for me. I always felt am weird and different, since childhood and now all grown up because am a lesbian. In my early years at work, girls hated me because am close with guys, effortlessly. I just can relate to them more, even though am not that boyish. I can fare well with them in drinking, jokes, work, games, hiking. So much that one of the guys when he got married to one of our co-workers, in their honeymoon, compared me to his new wife. And that just upped the female hatred directed towards me. I have comfortably come out to my guy friends. And they are supportive. So I love them equally. Suck that bitches, because am your lesbian-very-much-loved-by-guys.

At this point in my life, I just don’t care that much anymore with what people think so long as I kick ass at work. And am happy with myself. While most women at the office suffer in high heels wanting to look taller, fashionable, I decided this year to just wear oxfords, and all white tops. I don’t care about color combination and   just wear what's easy for me. While many strive and spend for long  straight hair, I had mine burst into curls. Shocker, but I feel better now. Low maintenance, almost wash and wear. :)

I am weird, but in a sexy, fierce kind of weird. And I take pride in being different   because that's who I am. No apologies. I'm also full of mistakes, judgmental, with my own prejudices. 

And since I am a biased person, I naturally assumed Graham is gay. But reading more, he clarified he doesn’t identify as gay. Well, too bad for us lgbt, but hey, so long as he continues to be talented and give us the good stuff, am one  happy lesbian. :) 

His speech  was more for those suffering  in depression. I remember  from my past self based on my many posts, how sad of a person I am. So still resonates with me.

When in the past we are embarrassed for being different, individuality, weirdness should in fact be celebrated! And whatever it is that makes us different or simply us. We are all zebras, fingerprints, unique!

I know it is scary shit to stick out like a neon light at night or to be the only one raising your hand. But that is okay. Scary feeling is  natural, human. Marvel in it and do scary things. You'll be surprised how thrilling or unscary it turns out to be.

I'd rather be  scared and confirmed wrong, than endlessly wondering what-if as my last name.

So no  need for drama please and that ugly suicide/self torture. Let's stay different, stay weird together, and let us celebrate! I am a testimonial that being different is magnificent! :)

And hey, I am here for you if you need a weirdo to talk to :)
I said I must write something about this no matter how busy I am. so there. a promise is a promise to myself. 'hopefully more kwento again soon. =)