a fighting chance

a fighting chance

ok, i won't deny it.
we've been fighting lately.
a fight is still a fight, no matter how babaw,
no matter how intense or violent.
both are painful, both are scathing.
pero wala naman kaming balak mang-agaw ng eksena kila kris at joey.

i don't know why, but i refuse to be my old understanding self today.
have i had enough?
i'd say, i'm not at my best mood today too.
so the hell i care.
this is my right to be angry too.
this is my moment to be unreasonable.
this is my time to throw tantrums
and this is the situation that i can't help being bitchy.


i know being this way, won't resolve the problem.
but, hey! give me some slack!

sometimes, i'd just like to give in to my emotions
and be mad as hell.

well, i am mad and bad now.
my every heartbeat is pulsating with anger,
my lips are pursed,
my eyebrows are touching already,
my earringed ears feel hot
and my used to be vast vocabulary has been limited to
tang'na, potah, pakshet, kainis, bwakanangsyet,
all with exclamation points!
so much for eloquence.


hapi thots

so now i have a gf.
everybody expects me to be 'happy' because of it.
well, i am enjoying our time together.
happy is such a big word.
it denotes longevity.
pang longterm.
so it's kinda scary to say i am happy.
baka words spoken too soon.
i guess this is just me being realistic.
ok, i admit, this is me, being cynical.

nde ba pdeng maging hapi on your own?

like, bakit when you have good friends, walang naggigreet sa yo na,
"hapines ka na siguro!". others will just comment,"okay friends mo ha."

or if you have a promising job, all they can say is, "successful ka na ate."

or nagtop ka sa exam or deans lister ka, remarks nila ay, "ang galing galing mo naman!"

"successful", "okay", "galing", words that pale when compared to the almighty "hapi" or "hapines".

in reality, i feel and am hapi.
hapi in a sense that i am not easily fazed by life's harshness lately.
my work is still stressful.
i still run out of money kahit kakasweldo lang.
i still get pissed off by injustices, our failing economy, kupal peeps.
i still get depressed when there is occasional family conflicts.
i get affected by the problems of my friends, more so ng gf ko.

but the thing is, keri lang!
meaning, i realized na constant companion na ng yuppy life ang stress at shit.
accepting this, the only thing to make my life better is to change my point of view about it.

now how did having a gf whom i love helps?
nde ko rin explicitly alam.
basta love in my heart outweighs hatred and depression.
the emphasis is centered :

on proactivity.
on problem solving not on problemizing the problem.

on understanding.
not only how it affects me but also the other people involved.

mind you, i'm not always my rational self,
i get unreasonable too, specially when the right buttons are pressed.
but i try. i fight.
sometimes i succeed. sometimes i fail.

is momentary happiness = joy = enjoyment ?
i don't mind, as long as my life each day makes me
progressively better and happier,
with or without my gf.