a thing or two

i was looking for my credit card which i never used. didn't even have it activated. but now i badly need it. and so i did what i normally do end of the year, unclutter my drawers at the office. i wasn't successful in finding my credit card (i did a pretty good job of hiding it so i don't use it unnecessarily). but i found a piece of paper that dates early 2000. it contains scribbles of what seems to be poems i wrote then. here's two.

I should have known.
From what was not seen nor
From what was not said nor
From what was not.

There was not.
There is not.
We are not
Not even  a we.



I’m back in the game.
Staking my vulnerability
Dangling my privacy.

So tell me
Are we playing?
Or am I losing?
Are we a game?
Or am I winning?
Do you have aces hidden?
Do I roll the dice?

Who wants to win anyway,
We just want to be happy.
So let me play again.



The tempest of the first

My first gf was heavy drama. If my relationship with her will be a film, it'll be Annabelle gone Psycho, a love thriller. *to think Loving Annabelle is intense already*

It'll be a short film because it lasted for a couple of months only. But mind you, it was the most torturous months of my love life. I was depressed, full of angst, guilt stricken, I was a wreck. She has this special talent of making me feel it's all my fault, that my love caused her misery. My love for her that was as deep as the abyss (naks! Drama!) wasn't enough to save her.

Every misery has a promising start. Being my first time, am OA sa pagka-excited and atat. I was weak and aaminin ko na, nadaan ako sa ganda nya!

So even though i somehow sensed there's something amiss, i ignored all the warning signs and dove head on, literally and figuratively.

Free fall is always intoxicatingly, blindingly fun at the beginning.There's joy in being a puppy sick lover reincarnated. There is meaning in suffering.

But i learned (the hard way) beauty can only take you so far. Kahit anong ganda ng isang babae kung mas marami pa syang issue sa reader's digest, papangit din sya sa paningin mo, papait din ang lasa nya pag tagal. At mabubunutan ka ng tinik pag break na kayo.

If there's one thing am thankful for of that mad love, my desperate situation led me to blogging - initially as a way to reach out to her, then as form of therapy, and now just to share to my heart's content. =)

so why write about the first? last i heard, she's in US to where i'll be going. and of course, no one forgets the first. my last image of her was the last pic she sent - donned in her bikini. and i hate to say it, but she still looked hot.

a friend sent me this poem to introduce me to neruda. after reading, i have confirmed, pablo and i have been friends long before, for he knows my heart. to friend, thanks! :)  here's the saddest lines for my first.

The Saddest Lines
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example: "The night is shattered,
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
That I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not not have loved her great, still eyes?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered, and she is not with me.

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms,
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for her.


Train Crush 14

Presenting --

Train Crush 14 - the Siren (with a hint of Cristine Reyes)

*click the image for a bigger pic size*

Women and pole, they just click when together.  Specially with friction in between. Whew!

I dunno if it's the big book or the big boobs that got me palpitating. But both I admit are stimulating. Hehe.

And she keeps staring back! Makes me feel like a nervous peeping tom(boy). Dammit. I think she knows, and OMG, she doesn’t mind! As if daring me even. Which makes it more intense. If I had a wish that time, it was to be the pole she's groping.

Flimsy, loose, sleeveless top, bra strap showing, milky skin underneath - this could be a captivating hot milk poster ad. Beautiful, sexy women make my milky, err I mean, my creative juices flowing.

I think she's worn her tank top loose so that my hand can easily find its way inside, to her breast that begs to be cupped. (i know am bad. and i couldn't help it. this is actually the tamer version, bec if you'll rate my imagination, it's way past the letters R and X.)

I seriously gotta pee.

The woman beside me, directly in front of her has been frantically praying with her buddha beads. What was she praying for?

  1. Lord, is this my reward and early xmas gift? Thank you! Thank you! :)
  2. Please grant me the strength of will not to touch her legs.
  3. Sorry God, but I just found my Goddess and will be her follower from now on.
  4. *bows head and fervently prays* I'm confused Lord. Please give me a sign if I'm straight or bi. *opens eyes and sees the pair of fair legs. Looks upward and gulps* OhmydearGod. I'm lez.


butterflies of the past

When i first saw you, i can only think of the word "hot" to describe you. Then i quickly changed my mind and determined you're "too hot". Too hot to like me. So i contented myself to being the loser who worshiped you from afar. Butterflies galore at your every sight.

I followed you on a networking site and stared at every picture you added. I read all your posts and quickly learned that you are perfect - too hot and highly smart too. If ever i had a minutiae of an
illusion that you'll like me back, it gets crushed before i can even fool myself of such frivolity.

Years later (yes, it took me that long), i finally evolved and developed the guts to make contact and dared comment on one of your cerebral posts.

You replied! I was in heaven doing cartwheels! So i made it a point to comment at your every post. Yes, i was that obvious and i didn't care. I know you reply to everyone, you're that kind. And am that stupid to magnify a simple "thanks" to something special.

They say do what makes you happy. I did. And continued to be a grovelling fan and admired you in my own non-stalkish ways.

One day which wasn't my birthday, you called me. That day officially became my second birthday.

You said the first time you saw me, your first thought was, "she's out of my league." And has been  crushing me from afar.

My jaw dropped because i couldn't believe what i was hearing. My heart was bursting with joy! I wanted to pour out my years of admiration. But before i could open the floodgate, i was cut short. My girlfriend just arrived to pick me up. And I had to say goodbye.

You know why losers are losers? Because they accepted defeat without even trying.

because you've forgotten about me and i still remember you.

post-training snapshot

was in  a whole day microsoft training at 6750. while twas interesting, the best part of the day happened after - malling =)


Makati Sigh(t)ing

to solve the perennial travails of commuting, you can choose from three things. live near where you work or work near where you live. still no can do? suck all the suffering in and rant about it in your blog daily! hehe.

i commute around 4 hours (to and fro) to work. it's literally the daily grind. but i wouldn't want to work anywhere else in manila than in makati. it has consistently sated my need for beauty, every working day. that's how spoiled i've been. sometimes too many, too fast that i am left inept to take a shot and i want to hit myself afterward.

when the song Empire State of Mind became the anthem of everyone (even those remote to NY), and when Sex and the City2 movie was released,  i quickly equated Makati as the local NY.

did i tell you i love makati? yeah, big time! :D

here's one shot (yesterday) at the makati underpass when for once, my reflex didn't fail me. hehe. i had this nagging feeling we work in the same building. as i was following her, hoping to confirm it, she stopped at starbucks and i appeared for a few seconds, jilted by an imaginary lover, my mouth still gaping.

i can't help feeling whimsical about this pic.

perfect theme song for my encounter - there's part of NY and my favorite, train.  =)

Somewhere in Brooklyn (Bruno Mars)
*bruno mars is part filipino. coolness!*

She was covered in leather and gold
Twenty one years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there

Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

Little miss perfect sitting at the train stop

Red nike high tops listening to hip-hop
While we were waiting started conversating
<- that's not a word
Before I got her name along came a train

(uuuuuuuh) next stop Brooklyn

(uuuuuuuh) now I’m lookin’

She was covered in leather and gold

Twenty one years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn
She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn

On the street kickin rocks circling the same block
Green form flatbush checking every corner shop
Tappin’ people’s shoulders askin if they know her
Everyday’s the , it's back to the train

(uuuuuuuh) next stop Brooklyn

(uuuuuuuh) I'm still lookin’

She was covered in leather and gold

21 years old
I lost her in the cold
It’s unfair, she’s out there
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn
She’s somewhere, somewhere, somewhere in Brooklyn


I wonder if we’ll ever meet again
I wonder we we’ll ever meet again
Yeah I wonder if we’ll meet again
I hope we do somewhere in Brooklyn