pensive in palawan


i want to break free!



forgive my father for he has sinned

my current relationship w/ my tatay is limited to monosyllabic responses (answerable by yes or no is best) to his inquiries and him asking for money during sweldo.

when i was a child, we speak in terms of his belt on my skin or his palm on my face.
and my replies are in black and blue, in bruises, in muted pain and of nurtured hatred.

u kinda get used to it to a pt that it no longer hurts, physically and emotionally.

bec of this, he stopped 'disciplining' us.

i dont know if it is lack of education or simply his lord mentality that makes him think that he is still the head of the family and shd be followed at all times despite the fact that he has long ago stopped assuming that role.

dig this. he didn't buy any appliance/stuff in the house. yet he controls the them all.
kainis di ba? you can't choose the shows to watch from the tv w/c you bought, bec sya ang nasusunod.
*feeling ko, pag tinago ko ang remote control, maghuhuramentado un or babasagin na lng ang tv para walang makinabang!*


last night, i just found out that my father has a mistress who's pregnant right now and wants to live with her.
*w/c in truth is fine w/ me really, so long as he doesn't come back*

the catch though is that he wants us to financially support 'them'.

the mistress by the way is just in her early twenties (younger than me), and accdng to rumors, is mentally challenged.

but the real deal is this, my tatay is saying that it is not his, but since naaawa sya, he will just take the baby as his.
awwww! so sweet of my tatay. so mabait di ba?
to sacrifice and leave his own family just so to save a dimwit damsel in distress.
gee. what more can i say.
gusto ko lang tumumbling.

it doesn't end there.
my sister and her bf will get married soon.
and mamamanhikan sa haws namin next week.
when tatay found out abt it, he told us, 'tamang-tama, ipapakilala ko na rin ang bago kong aasawahin'.
ugh. he said that w/o batting an eyelash. as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

i don't know if he's testing our threshold for sanity or he's lost his mind already.

if that's the case, then they deserve each other i guess :)

i hope the gurl cares for him, bec i (and the rest of the family) simply cant.



apologies to everyone.

far from kumakalat na tsismis and urban legend,
nde pa po ako 'lumagay sa tahimik (read: nagpakasal)
*baka kasi dahil sa last post ko, kya ganun ang dating :D hehe*

or nagka-metacarpal tannal syndrome kya nde na makatype.
*da closest i got was kalyo sa daliri and varicose veins. ugh!*

at nde rin po ako nafire or ngresign kaya nde na ko ngbblog.
*alam ko madalas ko idahilan ito*

hmm... parang nag-february lng tinamad na ko mgblog.
oops! :D hehe.
i confess, mejo tinatamad ako mgblog lately.
and ala din akong ganang mgblog hop.
ewankoba. hayy.

ngfofocus muna ko sa aking ungrateful job.
subsob muna sa trabaho.
kayod marino kumbaga.

walang mashadong emosyong dumadaloy sa katawan ko kundi pagod.
ang tanging lakas na meron ako ay lakas ng pananampalataya na matatapos din 'tong phase na to.

in da hope na maenergize ko ang aking blog spirit,
bumili ako ng sangkatutak na vitamins!
tinry ko din imotivate sarili ko thru delectable food (sisig for lunch, apple cinnamon danish & mango juice for dessert)
i shopped for new clothes and shoes too.
my logic is, to make myself happy such that i'll be excited to blog and have something to write.

but it seems to be not working.

nde pala nabibili ang motivation.
at lalong nde ito parang gutom na pdeng idaan sa lamon
or appetite na napapagana ng vitamins :(

da only conclusion i can derive from this experience (granted that i understood it na) is that,
inspiration/interest (w/c i lack right now) is not about fulfiling basic needs and material acquisition.

*disclaimer: just bec i currently have a gf whom i love doesn't mean it solves all problems*

so i will write nonsensical stuff (like this one) as i await enlightenment *in yoga position*,
let all of you be warned: random trash ahead.

don't expect witticism of sorts here for the meantime.

firewomyn has lost her fire.
im stripped to being the womyn, w/ a mundane life, lost in a way, and nothing much to say.


shower thoughts

during my shower, i realized why me and my gf clicks.
it is bec. we've been friends longer than my exes.
i can distinguish the difference.
we're more fluid. the rapport is better.
there is unspoken understanding.
it's almost like a 'couple' feeling.
i'm just happy that we turned out fine :)