my hot siren

my relationship with coffee goes a loong way back. as a kid, i already drink coffee. unhealthy yes, affordable, big yes! :) i would pair hot instant coffee with pandesal. sometimes when available i put milk powder on my coffee. my inclination for latte apparently started from there. hehe. 

when starbucks started in manila, i was not an instant fan for obvious reason - its incredulous price! ubos pera. and in my quest to better health, i totally stopped drinking coffee and resorted to milo (no sugar). 

when i moved to makati career-wise, i resorted to starbucks for my comfort drink of classic hot chocolate. it didn’t help that the starbucks shop is just beside our office building. one elevator ride, and tadaa! am at starbucks doorstep. hay.

i have this very dear friend whom i fondly call shofatid, who would surprise me at work and sms me that she’s downstairs with some stuff. i’d hurriedly go and see her carrying sandwich and my favourite drink. :) i often miss eating because am very busy. so she knows i need to be fed like that. *she also did the same when i moved to another work*

am not really a heavy coffee drinker. specially when my doctor said that caffeine promotes breast cysts. hello! maliit na nga magkaka-cyst pa di ba?

when i moved to a new work, i was thankful that starbucks/coffee shops are 2 traffic lights away. however, due to the extreme pressure at work, it became a survival trip to go out, get my sniff of polluted air, and have the space outside work to just breathe and regroup. the comfortable distance was, yes, guessed it right. 2 traffic lights away. 

i have without guilt started drinking coffee again. i found my workaround via decaf! i cheat i know. hehe. it doesn’t help that i have an overseas colleague who pampers my decaf indulgence via free drinks. mornings and afternoons! lucky bitch right? :) 

the truth is, i only drink coffee at Starbucks. i have this favourite drink (hot decaf latte vanilla) which only tastes the way i want it in starbucks. i know this for a fact because i ordered the same drink specs in various shops and the  verdict remains - tastes best in starbucks. no. this is not an ad placement or paid piece for starbucks. they just know my taste.

my fave drink was added with another one (caramel macchiato), that which gf frequently orders. which after being together for like forever, i only discovered a few weeks back. true what they say, a lifetime isn’t enough to know a person. so now i piggyback on gf’s coffee order. hehe. 

there was a time gf and i dread going to starbucks. it was there when we broke up years ago. the tears that flowed that day would be enough to fill one tall drink. am glad it’s all over now.

gf and i have frequented starbucks so many times already since then that we only have happy memories from it. 

i have this huge mug gift from my foreigner colleague before which my dad kept using so i thought i’d just give it to him. but then it got chipped then in time pulverised so to speak. so i bought him this huge coffee mug from starbucks which is favourite mug since then. :) a friend gave me this stainless coffee mug with cover from the same coffee shop which my mom kept using as well, so i ended giving it to her na lang. 

when gf was assigned overseas, one of her pasalubong to me was the starbucks tumbler (?) with the country’s name. so when i went for work overseas, i also gave the same. when i don’t have anything to give for exchange gifts, i’d just dash to the coffee shop and buy a mug. nice and easy. :)

i met a starbucks manager overseas who is a friend of a colleague. close to my birthday in that country, we discussed the starbucks management and why it is very successful in manila compared to their country. as gift she gave me a starbucks shirt. which i haven’t worn yet and can’t remember anymore where i put it. hmmm…

i have a friend who had a plan to surprise a girl by dressing up as starbucks barista and deliver coffee to her. i volunteered my starbucks shirt. :) 

in business mags, I’ve read of starbucks many times and how good their management is. like being the only company to offer the highest free/subsidized tuition support to their employees. wow right? :)

recently, gf and i noticed how well made up and pretty the baristas are in general at starbucks. in this mall where we frequent, the pretty barista is preggy. so when i went to this other starbucks shop from another location and noticed the bump on yet another cute barista, i asked if makeup is part of their training. and she said it’s considered part of their uniform. whoa! how interesting and creative. that is what i pride with manila baristas compared to other countries i’ve been to. we look way better. feeling close, i further said that many baristas i see lately are preggy, looking at her bump. and she said, err, am not preggy. whoopsie! whattabooboo! i profusely apologised for being so stupid. i don’t want to die of starvation should they ban me from starbucks. i know she got offended in one tiny split second, but just said it must be her apron with her IDs, keys bulging underneath. good thing she took it like a customer service pro. hay. mental note to NEVER comment to any girl that she’s preggy no matter how big the tummy is. 

yesterday, gf and i met at starbucks to do some work. she was using her iPad, and i my macbook, facing each other. across me was the transparent glass wall of starbucks where an elevator was located. an old foreigner guy, looking like  ian mckellen was mouthing something, not wanting to stare, i just bowed down and worked on my laptop. gf sat beside me to check on my work (editing her work), she then said that guy just said muy guapa to you. i just gave gf the look. she said, "no kidding, the guy pointed at you, made the gesture to describe your tubas (head scarf) and mouthed muy guapa”. kinda creepy, but katuwa i admit. :)

you can say my relationship with starbucks is longer than that with my gf. :) and so it can’t be that i love something if it doesn’t love or support what i love. 

oct. 29, starbucks launched its first lgbt commercial. =) its ceo has openly declared its support to gay marriage last year. 

but having an ad for us lgbt is extra whip cream, extra drizzle, extra everything to what starbucks already do to its customers, cutting across markets.

thank you Starbucks for recognising the purchasing power of lgbts. for the open support. and for simply having the drinks gf and i love. 


hate of late

hate. let me tell you about it. i used to be a really angry person that stems from growing up deprived, physically hurt (alternately called "disciplined"), and largely misunderstood.

as i got older, i realised how different and inferior my life was compared to many people i've met, specially in school. my standard had always been about material things (new school shoes, uniforms, flashy school supplies, fancy baon/food, etc. the list doesn't end) and the attention received from own parents. as i learn more, it struck me hard that i lacked both. so mahirap ka na nga, hindi ka pa inaasikaso ng magulang mo kasi busy sila sa pagtatrabaho at pag-aaway in between. tapos, pag napansin ka naman, na madalas may hindi ka nagawa like maglinis ng bahay or mag-alaga ng kapatid, palong masakit ng kahit anong mahawakan nila aabutin mo. pero don't worry, natuto na kong umilag hanggat kaya ko, kaya may pagka-action star din ako. hehe.

doon nagsimula ang mga kakaibang pananaw ko sa buhay. like
1. habang ang karamihan ay nawawasak ang mundo sa paghihiwalay ng magulang, ako naman ay matutuwang maghiwalay na lang sila kaysa sa away na lang ng away. magkakasama man kami sa iisang bubong na kinakalawang at tumutulo sa ulan, pero matagal na kaming magkakahiwalay sa damdamin.
2. na hindi ko utang na loob sa magulang ko ang buhay ko. kasi sila ang may gustong magka-anak. hindi ako. hindi ko ginustong istorbohin sa kawalan or pagiging kerubin (yun daw ang pre-fetus/embryo state na kwento noong bata ako) para maging katuparan sa pangarap nilang magka-anak. so para sa akin, sila ang may utang na loob sa akin at obligasyong palakihin ako ng maayos. i, thank you. ito ang foundation kaya pro-choice ako. para sa mga pro-life, subukan nyo munang mabuhay sa hindi prepared na magulang (yung mahirap na nga, hindi pa masaya, hindi pa masyado nakapag-aral tapos poor manners pa and nananakit). saka nyo ijustify ang stand nyo.
3. tama lang ang gumanti. sa dami ng palo/pambabato at pamumura sa kin mula bata ako, balang araw tatanda rin sya at manghihina kaya hindi na nya kami masasaktan. pag nangyari na yun, ikukulong namin sya at hindi aalagaan. dark i know. but that's what i really planned then. on the flipside pde rin namang gumanti ng kabutihan e. hehe. *lusot!*

galit ako sa magulang ko, sa mundo (kahit pa makamundo ako), pero for some reason, hindi ako galit sa Diyos. nagsisimba ako linggo linggo, nagbabasa ng bible minsan. naiintindihan ko ang mga turo sa church, pero hindi ko maramdaman ang Diyos. ang dating sa kin noon ay magkakahiwalay ang bagay bagay. iba ang bahay, paaralan, simbahan. pano ako magagalit sa isang bagay na hindi ko maramdaman? ganyan kasimple ang pag-iisip ko noon.

fast forward, syempre, tumanda na rin ako. at ang magulang ko ay tumanda na rin. kaya hindi na nila kayang mamalo, mahina na rin ang reflex. pero kasabay ng pagtanda ang paglawak at lalim ng pang-unawa. galit pa rin ako as expected. mas expressive pa nga. grabe magmura, magdabog, magwala minsan, maghagis ng gamit. wait! shucks! mukhang kapareho ko na magulang ko ah! nooooooo!!!!!
keep calm and think. okay, wala naman akong physically sinasaktan na ibang tao or animal. whew!

galit ako sa mga bwakanangmutherfockingcrap na taxi drivers everytime hindi ako sinasakay, or pag sinakay ako pero puro mura at reklamo at hingi ng dagdag ang ginawa at marunong pa sa kin sa kung anong ruta gusto kong daanan. magkakakotse din ako balang araw. by then traffic enforcers at kapwa drivers at mga tumatawid sa mali naman ang mumurahin ko. hehe.

galit ako sa pollution kasi madaming lakad ang ginagawa ko papasok sa work at pauwi. kasama na dito ang usok ng sigarilyo sa daan. pawisan na nga, mabaho pa ba ang peg ko pagdating sa office?

galit ako sa araw araw na sakripisyo sa prusisyon ng pila pasakay at paglabas sa tren. may isang brilliant suggestion about trains na nabasa ko sa twitter. bakit daw hindi na lang gawing isang istasyon ang mula Monumento to Taft. pagpasok mo sa tren, lakarin mo na lang sa loob. mas healthy pa daw. hahahaha! sobrang benta sa kin ng comment na to.

galit ako sa sobrang init dulot ng global warming kasi nakakapawis sa labas, nakakahilo, nakakamigraine. then pag umulan naman, galit uli ako kasi maputik, kailangan ng payong (hindi ako nagdadala ng payong), nakakasira ng sapatos, walang kamatayang traffic, at walang katapusang baha, dahil lumulubog ang ka-Maynilaan sa kaunting ulan.

galit ako pag nalelate ang girlfriend ko sa mga usapan or kitaan namin. naman! andaming nagpapakamatay makasama lang ako tapos ikaw malelate lang?! yan ang sinasabi ko sa gf ko. hehe. pero pag ako ang nalelate dapat okay lang.  hehe. selfish ang tawag dyan.

at ang pinakasukdulan, galit na galit ako ng sobra na minsan gusto ko na maglupasay pag poor or walang signal ang wifi. putangnana naman! Globe, pde ba ayusin nyo serbisyo nyo at maayos naman ako magbayad! yes, kund hindi nyo namalayan, wifi is now part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, asa basic needs category sya.

masyado akong nadala ng damdamin ko kaya inhale-exhale muna. yan ang laging payo sa kin ng butihin kong girlfriend.

so when i heard of the recent "hate crime" to jennifer laude, honestly, hindi ko sya agad pinansin. kasi busy ako sa trabaho at sarili kong buhay. sa starbucks nakita ko ang napakalaking picture nya sa banner. uyy chicks! so kinuha ko, then narealize ko, oops, ito pa rin pala ang headline. sensya na, tomboy lang. mahilig sa magaganda. hi jennifer! wherever you are :)

tutal weekend naman at so far mukhang bakante naman, nagbasa-basa na ko finally. this is the issue in pictures.

jennifer is loved. soon to be married with her bf.

jennifer is obviously a hot and attractive woman. madami pa syang sexy pix. kung ako ganun kasexy, baka nag-bold star na lang ako  for a career at hindi nag-opisina. she has a hot bod, no shame in flaunting them. napakanormal lang ng nakabikini. 

the hot jennifer who is also a warm person per reports is now a cold body because she was killed. :(

many people went to the street to protest and seek justice for her murder.


according to the reports, it was a hate crime. the police investigation is below.

Manila, Philippines - The killing of Filipino transgender woman Jennifer Laude was a "crime of hatred," according to the investigation report of Olongapo police.

On Saturday, October 11, Laude was found dead at Celzone Lodge in Olongapo City. An earlier police report said her head "was leaning" against the toilet bowl while her "lower body was partially covered with a color cream blanket."
Police said they saw injuries on Laude's neck. An autopsy report later said Laude died due to "asphyxia by drowning." - Rappler

MANILA - The murder of transgender woman Jennifer Laude is clearly a case of a hate crime, according to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) group Ladlad.

Speaking to ANC's "Headstart" on Wednesday, Ladlad spokesperson Bemz Benedito expressed disappointment over what she called "blaming the victim syndrome," pertaining to the two motives reportedly being looked at by Philippine authorities in the killing of Laude.

"Lahat ng theory nilabas na nila, pero lahat it's all against the victim," Benedito said.
Laude was found lifeless inside a hotel bathroom in Olongapo City on the night of October 11. Her neck was pressed down on the toilet seat and her head was shoved into the toilet bowl.

One motive being looked into by the police is that the suspect, identified as US Marine Private First Class Joseph Scott Pemberton, got mad after finding out that Laude was a transgender woman.

Another theory is that Laude could have tried to steal from the suspect.

But according to Benedito, it is very unlikely that there was deception on the part of Laude. She said the victim never kept it a secret that she was a transgender woman, and she was also well known in the bar where she and the suspect met.

Benedito believes the suspect was aware that Laude was a transgender woman even before they went to the hotel...

But Benedito stressed that Laude's identity as a transgender woman does not give anyone the "license" to kill her.

The Ladlad spokesperson lamented that the murder of Laude is just one of many cases involving LGBTs because there is no policy in the country that protects them. - ABS-CBN News


"Sueselbeck, in a statement posted by a television network on its website, said Laude’s family knew about and had accepted their relationship.

“I know her well. We have talked thousands of hours. Since December 2012, I spent nearly 90 days with her in the Philippines. Jennifer [had] been the most true, hopeful, and life-person I ever met in all my life. She had her childish moments. She was hot-tempered. And her feelings … were always extreme. But she was authentic,” he said.

In the statement, Sueselbeck condemned the brutality of Laude’s death, describing the suspect as “sick” and “bloodthirsty.”

He also lamented that Laude was disrespected. He vouched for Laude’s integrity, saying she was not a thief and not a sex worker.

“I will try my best to get there as soon as I can, to pay the honor and respect to Jennifer as the Rose of Olongapo, the honor and respect she [deserved] but never got from society,” he said." -  German Marc Sueselbeck, Jennifer Laude's boyfriend. - Inquirer.Net

In both crime and lawhate crime (also known as bias-motivated crime) is a usually violent, prejudice motivated crime that occurs when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a certain social group. Examples of such groups include but are not limited to: ethnicitygender identitylanguagenationalityphysical appearancereligion, or sexual orientation.[1][2]

"Hate crime" generally refers to criminal acts that are seen to have been motivated by bias against one or more of the types above, or of their derivatives. Incidents may involve physical assault, damage to property, bullyingharassmentverbal abuse or insults, or offensive graffiti or letters (hate mail).[3] - Wikipedia


hate crime. for me to grapple this, i had to go back to hate. that's why i started this post of what hate means to me. 

and in the hope to further understand or make sense to hate crime, be fair to the accused too, i tried to imagine what i would feel if say i just learned that i am having sex or just had sex with a man (me, being a lesbian) without me knowing initially he was male. so this is me putting my lesbian self in the army shoes of the accused. 

instant reaction is shock. chill will run down my spine. i'd feel disgusted, will feel betrayed, violated. i'd be mad for the deception. that i might hit the guy, throw things to him, curse him with all the vocabulary available. i'll definitely scream i think. cover my body instantly. and either confront him or scurry off because i don't want to be part of any of what just happened. i can see myself close to vomiting or may really vomit to flush my disgust out of my body. 

can i kill someone due to extreme hatred? i think am not that emotionally illogical unless it is to save my life. males have bigger ego they say and due to hormones, are more physical (ergo, more violent?). so my reaction to an actual man's reaction would differ. but instinct may push me to harm the guy for deceiving me. but not to a point of killing someone. i think cases like that happen in blind rage. we've seen people kill to issues as petty as traffic or to no issue at all, but just they feel like doing it or because they think they can (power trip or high in drugs). 

some of the hate comments in the jennifer laude articles:

"... para sa akin, unang reaksyon ay uupakan mo ng husto!! Aba eh, isipin mo na lang nakipagpalitan ka ng laway sa kapwa mo lalaki.... hindi ba kadiri un!!!"

"... LGBT does not deserve the "discrimination" they get from public. But then, i just find it so disgusting to see gays cross dressing as a woman..Sooo Disgusting.."

if you notice, my reactions were similar to the hate posts had i been the accused (assuming I was deceived). the reaction to deception is somewhat universal, common. up to what extent will one go? how extreme is where the variation is. would you kill? flush someone's head in the toliet bowl until the person dies? file legal charges? seek revenge in other forms? be traumatized?

reading the articles and then some, i learned:

1. so many hate posts in the comments section of the articles. it gives you the hard reality of how primitive the mindsets of some/many people. you'll cringe reading them. not because we are lgbt, but because of how poor/uneducated their arguments are. checking the hate crime coverage, they can be under verbal abuse or insults already.

2. the sex was consummated (2 used condoms). so the accused killer must have known already during the act that the intercourse was with a transgender.  but he struggled emotionally (?) after as what Bemz explained in the article.

3. deception is a BIG, even fatal mistake. specially if you will be intimate, date, have some relation with a different gender (straight, non-trans, etc). time to think about disclosure for lgbt. see related article here.

4. lgbt protest is only on issues affecting us, but silent on other relevant issues or other crimes. there was one feedback that how come they are protesting for the jennifer death, but was mum when the uplb student was raped, when many others died of various causes. 

5. related to #4, there is confusion in the protest cause. there is justice for jennifer and no to VFA.  so some groups are riding in on the incident to push for their cause (one feedback said it's the leftist cause). as there are haters of leftists, the cause for justice on jennifer is being muddled with that. there has to be focus.

6. crime investigators/police force need to be well educated on hate crime to properly distinguish it from any other crime and not make it hate crime when it's lgbt victim. this will add to the cause of lgbt for anti-hate crime if the crimes are correcty categorized and credible.

7. hate crime law is still pending so no protection for us yet if ever. we must be careful and protect ourselves in our own ways. won't hurt bringing pepper spray, veering away from danger signs/places/people, learning self-defense, knowing whatever limited rights we have. 

8. lgbt need visibility on key issues and not just be inclusive. i think some lgbt groups are doing this already, but maybe more, effective presence. 

9. the world needs to know us to accept and love us. the more they understand our stories and the more people are educated about lgbt, the easier for them to integrate us as equal partners in society.

i, thank you. 

and yes, i'm back. =) 



I sit here on my bed, half my skull about to crack open with non stop pounding, the other half wants to run away, dissociated to the other half's self destruction. The same way this iPad's screen is all bright and white, while the rest of the room is evil dark. My fingers typing forming this shadow seeming movements in conversation with the virtual keyboard. Fingers and letters talking, or are they dancing in the tempo of tap? How hopeful to have that connection of fingers to screen, of head in pain and head uncaring. To carve jagged open my skin in search for raw feelings buried numb by the unending rush on things. No time to feel, just think! And act. Fast! I sped by life so swiftly I left my soul behind. Poor soul. :( she must be alone, cold and hungry and scared and sad. While this shell of a body of mine go shallow and hollow. There is this sore in my chest alternating with the involuntary twitch of my eyelids. I know I am sad, but I can't force a tear to fall no matter how tight I twist myself dry in opposite direction. If I close my eyes, confusion drowns with the black blanket. And all appears in harmony. Bliss of nothingness. If I open my eyes, sensation of surrounding chaos that'll rip me apart in time. In this time of in between, I cleave the path for pause. I'll sit under the shade of indecision and look down. Not forward, not backward. I don't want to be distracted. I'll stay here until a shadow casts over my head. When that happens, it means my soul has found me. She'll tilt my chin, stare at her reflection in my eyes and brush her lips to mine and plant back my life with a kiss that'll ignite my passion and burn to ashes this emptiness. Until then.


ofc crush(ed)

No. This is not bursting fireworks seen and beautiful only at night. This! Unstoppable, unknowing rush of intense volcanic eruption that doesn't answer to any time or god.

The moment you uttered the deadly three words of secret invitation, "trouble in paradise", our friendship was suddenly ripped naked to reveal the potential of an affair so illegal you'll drown in drunkenness to its wild promise. Fierce is never in your vocabulary. But it will soon be your every scream and sigh after I lick to flames all the hurt and unspoken longing you have. Confusion will be buried with the sheets and pillows and sweet sweat will glide along our entangled limbs, as I surprise and shock you of what I can do and make you do.

But I'll also be steady, and lightly, slowly, repeatedly kiss your lips. Because if smile had a taste it'll be of refreshing sweetness bearing your name.

And all these goodness embodied by you are selfishly mine. Yes we don't speak of it. But you know and I claim it -- you are mine.

The same way I am with surrender, yours.


Texas ban on same-sex marriage & segue way thoughts

Always nice waking up to good news. :) am not from Texas, but we have sisters and brothers there fighting out for our rights. Their success is our success too. As more states/countries legalize same-sex marriage, they are paving the way for us in this side of the world.

Conversation over lunch with a foreigner colleague/friend of his encounter with I think a European couple (if I remember it right) -- "the commitment to be together for many years already, even without legal contract, that is marriage."

What binds then together is not the legal benefits or contract but the commitment to be in this relationship.

That is admirable, and going back to the basic of why we are together as a couple to begin with.

However, let this not be confused with our right to marry if we decide to. That is basic human right which legions are fighting for in many parts of the globe.

Just some Thursday thoughts. Btw, I don't have personal laptop or computer. I only have ofc laptop which I don't bring home. So I blog via my phone only. It's not that easy, and limited features, that's why I don't blog regularly. The usual excuse in the menu is 'been busy. Which you've read/heard a gazillion time already. But that's the truth. My work for 1.5 yrs now is on an altogether different level of challenges which am surprised am able to cope up with still with fierce, rainbow colors. :) The things you do to survive and to give yourself & family a more comfortable life. Story of my life.

This also explains why I can't reply to comments. But I do read them. Lifts my heart :) so thank you :)

It's my bday soon. Hope to get a laptop as gift. Hehe. A girl is entitled to dream big! :)

Anyway, have to get moving. i just skipped my morning work out to blog. have to prep for work now. A girl has to work too you know :)

By Bill Mears and Greg Botelho, CNN
updated 21:52 GMT 02.26.14

(CNN) - Texas on Wednesday became the latest state to have a federal judge strike down its ban on same-sex marriage, following a ruling that its current prohibition has no "rational relation to a legitimate government purpose."

The ruling, by San Antonio-based Judge Orlando Garcia, will not take effect immediately: It stays enforcement of his decision pending appeal, meaning same-sex couples in Texas for the time being cannot get married.

Still, gay rights supporters and activists believe the judgment -- because of what it says, how it follows similar rulings in other states and where it happened, in one of the most conservative states in the country -- has special significance.

Texas Democratic Party chairman Gilberto Hinojosa called Wednesday "a historic day for the LGBT community and the state of Texas," while the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force's head predicted the ruling "hastens the day when all loving couples who simply want the ability to share the benefits and responsibilities of marriage can."

"Everything is bigger in Texas and this ruling is an enormous leap forward for same-sex couples in the Lone Star State," said the latter group's executive director, Rea Carey. "Every time a judge strikes down a same-sex marriage ban, is yet another nail in the coffin of discrimination."

Those on the other side of the debate, meanwhile, are promising to keep fighting.

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott said his office would challenge the ruling, which would be heard by a federal appeals court in New Orleans. The Republican is running for governor, with early primary voting now in full swing and the full primary election set for March 4.

"The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled over and over again that states have the authority to define and regulate marriage," said Abbott. "The Texas Constitution defines marriage as between one man and one woman."

Gov. Rick Perry, who is not running for re-election, offered even more forceful remarks, insisting that the 10th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution "guarantees Texas voters the freedom" to decide on the parameters for marriage.

"Texans spoke loud and clear by overwhelmingly voting to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman ..., and it is not the role of the federal government to overturn the will of our citizens," said Perry, an outspoken conservative who ran for president in 2012. "... This is yet another attempt to achieve via the courts what couldn't be achieved at the ballot box."

In November 2005, Texas became the 19th state to adopt a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Whether homosexual couples should be allowed to wed like heterosexual ones was a hot-button issue then and in subsequent years, with polls showing that most Americans favored restrictions.

But public opinion shifted over time. A CNN/ORC International survey last June found that a majority -- 55% -- of Americans back same-sex marriage, up 11 percentage points from 2008.

A total of 17 states now allow such legal unions, due to actions by voters, state courts or their legislatures. Federal courts have also helped move the needle on the issue, especially over the past year.

Source: http://cnn.it/1o6z5eZ


inside and out

Am not well. Am pissed. There's this growing restlessness in me that is shaping to be anger for something I can't resolve. Is it masked in helplessness? Or draped in fear? I can't tell yet, but it's slowly gnawing my insides beginning at the center of my chest. It's painful in a way that it's not really painful but constricts my breathing, the same way a lump in your throat blocks your gulp. Am too exhausted to punch someone now so I can only hit some keys on my phone with the goal to blabber until the sides of my iPhone 3GS froth and slip my eewy fingers. Yes, disgusting. But not as disgustingly twisted as how Uganda President is disgusted with homosexuals. He is sick. Obviously. Perverted even on his viewpoint of what is just. Am quick to rationalize that the Ugandan president is too insignificant for me as a gay person to be affected. *It finally made sense why the country hasn't progressed much. Because its very leader thinks backwards.*

But the impact to the Ugandan LGBTs and essentially Ugandan human rights is of course huge. We cannot stop people from thinking wrongly, even if there's a law prohibiting them. Our sense of self and worth must then not be based on what others think or say of us, but on what we think of ourselves. Only us can belittle ourselves. To hide or deny one's self is not just repression, but also oppression.

Which Ellen Page, my beloved Juno attested to in her coming out speech.

"And I am here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference to help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility.

I also do it selfishly, because I’m tired of hiding. And I’m tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered, and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of that pain.

And I am young, yes. But what I have learned is that love—the beauty of it, the joy of it, and yes, even the pain of it—is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being."

I am not yet out. Not because of shame, but because of fear of hurting my parents by defying their expectations of me once again.

Like Ellen, I lie by omission. When a colleague asked if I am seeing anyone, I replied no. Simply because gf was overseas that time so technically, we're not seeing each other.

When I introduced her, I said 'friend'. Well, at the very minimum, your girlfriend is also your friend. The root word is friend.

Make no mistake, I love my girlfriend and proud of her. I just don't want explaining to other people, justifying or even defending myself. Hindi po ako artista na kailangang magpa-press con sa update sa buhay ko.

So I admit I am suffering too. And the painful, bitter truth is I cause this pain to myself. By not coming out still to my family. By denying myself of loving freely.

As Ellen Page powerfully put it, "... we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise."

The comfort is, there's no way to go, but out. Soon! :)


Color of wide awake dreams

After four hours of turning side to side, i stopped my failed attempt to sleep. What is wrong with my body? Was awake Sat 11pm till Sunday 8am finishing Suits season 2, slept 4hrs Sunday morning. Normalized sleep Sunday night. And now this!

Texted gf about this episode of zombie fit and kidded her - siguro iniisip mo ko no! Haha. She just replied I love you. Ah, sweet. But not enough to knock me to sleep.

Currently playing classical music. Read an article about how diplomats learn foreign language fast, scanned thru twitter feed, checked emails. This is me exhausting my eyes to force it to sleep. But my mighty eyes keeping its stance.

My body is tired, but mind refuses to give up with thoughts swimming in my brain cells. This is exhausting and I will pay for this dearly at work. Pray I won't be late.

I tried to write about Juno's coming out. *Ellen Page will always be Juno to me :) * at work lunch but blogger's blocked. Fuck these web filters.

So I just surfed for Cheryl Miles' photo, the Singaporean DJ, whose radio program I listen to every morn before going to work (via podcast). 'twas the radio station I listened to every time am in Singapore.

Shan & Cheryl are the cooler version of Chico and Delamar for me. To be better at conversational English, I decided to listen to English radio program. Plus theirs have no commercials/ads. And they're talented! They spoof songs by singing their own comic version.

So imagine. my shock when I discovered how boiling hot Cheryl is! Since I want her only for myself, I won't post a pic of her. Ha! Well, as if I can! Am typing now thru my already erratic behaving iPhone 3GS of four years! Another shocker yes, am 6 versions behind on iPhone models.

Poor, deprived me. *Hint! Hint!* Am accepting donations of iPhone 4 and up! :) it's 2014, 2 yrs after the world ended, wala nang oras para maging mahiyain! :)

Three hours ago, I started working out again, right after gf left from my apartment. Inspired by latest crush, Cheryl, I want to be deserving of her when we have mind blowing-leg breaking-bluer than Blue is the Warmest Color sex!

With that, I now replace Orange is the new Black with Blue is the new Orange. Sorry Alex Vause.

Continuing, *yep, still can't sleep* macho is the new gay and lesbians are simply fierce sexy. Kirsten Stewart is the next coming out *a womyn is entitled to dream* and Jennifer Lawrence is her new gf. *am capricious when I dream. Hehe.*

So I think I've collected enough fantasies to dream about to effectively convince my body to finally give in and let me start the mind blowing-leg breaking-bluer than Blue is the Warmest Color sex with Cheryl, Kirsten and Jennifer. :D

Great mornight ladies! Off to the wonderful world of Zzz.


Kwento ng pagkkwenta sa mga kwestyong about kwests

This is the first time I've been really career focused. As in I slaved for a promotion I haven't received yet. If I don't get it this year, will definitely look elsewhere.

Before, I get promoted just because am really good at work. I didn't exactly have a target to pressure myself internally. Sobrang reklamador ko sa hirap ng trabaho pero I thrive in crisis naman kasi so wagi naman ako lagi.

A guy ofcmate before described me as a weed. Kahit saan mo ilagay tumutubo. Napakaunglamorous na comparison pero totoo nga based on past experiences ko.

Not to glorify growing up poor pero I think harsh life toughened me a lot.

But last year, mas naging gutom ako sa ambisyon. As in am an ambitious bitch, tagged heartless behind my back. Siguro kasi suddenly andali kong nakuha ang ilan sa mga ginusto ko. Like the exact net salary I wanted, bahay, moving out, a coveted position as next in line to my boss. Parang suddenly abot kamay lahat.

To be fair to my myself, talaga namang binuhos ko lahat since last year. To a point na I gave up blogging and social life. Part of me regrets it pero bigger part of me thinks it's worth it.

I admit sa mga panahong naiiyak na ko sa pagod at napapatanong sa sarili if tama pa ba tong kabaliwan na to pinanghihinaan din ako ng loob.

Pero kumbaga sa bisyo lulong na. Masyado na kong maraming nainvest para pa umatras. Up to end of this year lang naman ang personal deadline ko. After that, adventure uli.

A few weeks ago inapproach ako ng isang intl non-profit organization sa email abt an opportunity. Catch is it's a 2yr contract position and needed in a month na. Man! International non-profit organization! Isa sa malaking item sa aking timba list. Dream ko sya college pa lang ako. Pero alam nyo naman dahil sa kahirapan sa buhay at dami ng binubuhay, inilibing ko muna ang pangarap na yan. Pero eto na sya ngayon! Bumangong muli!

Pera o bayong lang. Pangarap o promotion? Makatulong o Magpayaman? Naman! Wala pa nga kong kotse e. hay. Lagi na lang tough choices ang binibigay sa kin. At ang timing off talaga.

No need to panic naman kasi hindi pa ko napipili sa non profit org. Pero alam kong matatanggap ako kasi sabi sa feng shui ko sa planner na nabasa ko sa national bookstore, madami ako travels sa quarter two (Q2). Eto na yun e! 25% intl travel.

Pano ko ito ipagtatapat sa boss kong binuild-up na ako ng sobra sa mga matataas na bossing? Na ang kanang kamay nya ay nangangaliwa pala. Napakahirap. Napakahirap magdisappoint ng taong pinapahalagahan mo at pinagkatiwalaan ka ng sobra.

How do you break someone's heart without hurting them? You can't. Life in black and white.

Sa mga ganitong love or career, pera o bayong ang tema, isa lang ang next na maaari kong gawin bago pa mabiyak ang ulo ko kakaisip, pinagpasa-Diyos ko na. Sya na bahala kung saan ako best ilagay at dapat mapunta. I trust. I believe. I thank you.