soo sleepy. been very hectic. work, postgrad, loads of errands. plus late night catch ups on AlDub. yeah, am a fan :) universal appeal of kilig and romance. i'd take that anytime. hehe. am easy that way. i came out to my new boss and he was cool with it. so much he admitted to having slept with a trans before and doesn't mind it at all. we're getting along well. yey! speaking of which, a friend/colleague before of mine just fully transitioned to womanhood! wow! she just completed this a couple of weeks ago at Thailand. soo happy for her. she looks more gorgeous than many of my female friends actually. more so now. a lez staff of mine resigned bec she fell for me. did i mention she has  a gf of many years? more kwento about that in the future.

gf is overseas  currently for her  work. my business trip this week got cancelled. so am suddenly left with available time which sounds alien to me. where to last minute go when many local airlines' flights got cancelled? i  asked around and many can't go with me. it seems as i got busier, so did my friends. or maybe many of them have moved on to be with other circles. the good thing is am also okay being alone. i enjoy observing strangers anyway. but company will always be nice :)

okay, after that short rambling, am still sleepy though less than earlier. and it feels like i am practicing writing. it feels effortful to write. year-long writing academic papers for school have made writing less fun. it's stressful! hopefully i get better and more efficient with this school thing.

am  also on the look out for a new job. work has been frustrating and makes me feel like rotting. i realized it's a mismatch. but getting a new job isn't as easy before. or maybe am just impatient. i just started applying again two weeks ago. so far no call back. boo-hoo! so yeah i need this break. to just rest and wander and recharge too. sana pwedeng matulog tapos pag gising ko December na para masaya :)

... still sleepy... zzz...




hi zebra!

I was caged in chains up to my eyeballs with work and so I wasn’t able to watch live the Oscar telecast. By the time I got home, too spent to even brush my teeth, I can only search youtube for the speeches. I of course started with the supporting actors because I save the best for last, the main actors.

Best Supporting Actor, J.K. Simmons - couldn't relate to his speech but the call your parents thing is good.

Best Supporting Actress, Patricia Arquette - she's okay, but kinda emotionless for me as she read her speech, yada yada, equal pay for women.

Best Actor, Eddie Redmayne - touching because he was emotional with his surprise of the win. And I love his accent btw. :)

Best Actress, Julianne Moore - I hoped she win this time because she's been nominated infinitum, plus I've seen Still Alice and cried a lot, worried for my own future should I have Alzheimer. Whenever I forget small stuff, I kid gf to remind me if I am being progressively forgetful, because you know, Alzheimer. And she would just laugh at me.

Then nothing left to check, the Graham Moore guy appeared on the feed and so being trigger happy, clicked away.

Best Adapted Screenplay, Graham Moore -

"When I was 16 years old,I tried to kill myself because I felt weird and I felt different and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here and so I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere. Yes, you do. I promise you do. You do. Stay weird, stay different. And then when it's your turn and you're standing on this stage, please pass the same message to the next person who comes along." - Graham Moore, Oscar's 2015 Best Adapted Screenplay for The Imitation Game



His speech is a hugot level for me. I always felt am weird and different, since childhood and now all grown up because am a lesbian. In my early years at work, girls hated me because am close with guys, effortlessly. I just can relate to them more, even though am not that boyish. I can fare well with them in drinking, jokes, work, games, hiking. So much that one of the guys when he got married to one of our co-workers, in their honeymoon, compared me to his new wife. And that just upped the female hatred directed towards me. I have comfortably come out to my guy friends. And they are supportive. So I love them equally. Suck that bitches, because am your lesbian-very-much-loved-by-guys.

At this point in my life, I just don’t care that much anymore with what people think so long as I kick ass at work. And am happy with myself. While most women at the office suffer in high heels wanting to look taller, fashionable, I decided this year to just wear oxfords, and all white tops. I don’t care about color combination and   just wear what's easy for me. While many strive and spend for long  straight hair, I had mine burst into curls. Shocker, but I feel better now. Low maintenance, almost wash and wear. :)

I am weird, but in a sexy, fierce kind of weird. And I take pride in being different   because that's who I am. No apologies. I'm also full of mistakes, judgmental, with my own prejudices. 

And since I am a biased person, I naturally assumed Graham is gay. But reading more, he clarified he doesn’t identify as gay. Well, too bad for us lgbt, but hey, so long as he continues to be talented and give us the good stuff, am one  happy lesbian. :) 

His speech  was more for those suffering  in depression. I remember  from my past self based on my many posts, how sad of a person I am. So still resonates with me.

When in the past we are embarrassed for being different, individuality, weirdness should in fact be celebrated! And whatever it is that makes us different or simply us. We are all zebras, fingerprints, unique!

I know it is scary shit to stick out like a neon light at night or to be the only one raising your hand. But that is okay. Scary feeling is  natural, human. Marvel in it and do scary things. You'll be surprised how thrilling or unscary it turns out to be.

I'd rather be  scared and confirmed wrong, than endlessly wondering what-if as my last name.

So no  need for drama please and that ugly suicide/self torture. Let's stay different, stay weird together, and let us celebrate! I am a testimonial that being different is magnificent! :)

And hey, I am here for you if you need a weirdo to talk to :)
I said I must write something about this no matter how busy I am. so there. a promise is a promise to myself. 'hopefully more kwento again soon. =)



Image source here: http://40.media.tumblr.com/6b35f2a427525c3679f77021f56a91a1/tumblr_ncezwhSL3b1rmagk1o1_500.jpg



piece 4

i grew up independent, not needing anyone but mostly needed. i have learned not to hold on to things or anyone for i don’t know if they will leave or stay. if they stay, unsure for how long. so it is easier not to hang on to things or expect permanence. nothing lasts forever so the jaded say. but unless you believe in life after death, then yeah, there’s only now. 

and in this many nows I've stringed upon like a necklace, i have met many persons including myself. i thumb to one of these persons and memories drip like dangling earrings with sparkling clarity and at times studded jolts.  

pain i know too well, that laid brick after brick of wall built so high, i couldn't even see myself. i am guarded. even from myself. 

like i spoke of so many wants, unedited because my mind will catch up soon and filter it using the micro mesh of what’s realistic and workable with my situation. 

what is the purpose of dreaming then? of thoughts in adrenaline rush only to be  barred at one stop or to evaporate under scorching heat? 

maybe to give a now that’s both creative and free? to replace one brick from the fortress I've built one after the other. maybe if i  just give in without care or hate, then i can permeate the wall and can run free barefooted to anywhere and be excited to the possibilities. 

i’ll jump at the first sight of deep water and just plunge. cut through the icy water and push through until i can no longer breathe or kick. that would be liberating yeah? but can also be fatal.

but come to think of it, we only truly know things through their opposite. so what is life if not knowing the boundaries?

*** i think am getting the hang of this macbook. yey! ***

piece 3

i want to do so many things. i’ll be a student again this Q2 for my post graduate, i want to do investing and business, i want to learn a third language, i want to do photography, travel, go out and just observe to take pictures and write. i want to quit job and commit to social work. i want to read until my eyes turn red and then dream about them and then think about them the moment i wake up. i want to have a sport and have kickass abs. i want to take dancing hip hop and pole dancing and fly with the sound of my whipping sweat. i want to get a big dog like a labrador and walk with him on weekends and take haircuts together. i want to have an indoor tree in my house and i want to have a garden. i want to buy an anti-flood car so that if i go ahead on a typhoon day, i wouldn't be caught on cam saying “I wasn't informed.” i want to elevate my macbook skills to ninja level so that i can write more often without having my written pieces suddenly get deleted for clicking a key that’s not a copy function. i want to paint some more and get drunk until i end up kissing who am with in drunken stupor. i want to stop attending endless meetings that suck the life out of me. i want to let this out while it is overwhelming me. i want to be no slave of time and just be one with my spontaneous self. i want to be. and i want this want to consume me so bad that i’ll spring jump to doing them the second i stop typing. 

*** exercise on writing non stop on whatever comes to mind, without edit.***


piece 1

today is the first day of my new life. and i will treat each day like a newborn's every milestone - a miracle.

yesterday, i slept when i got sleepy and woke up. not because i had to, but because my eyes were ready. with this new eyes i realised that this new year's eve tradition of costly noise and massive pollution is like a bride's/groom's bachelorette/bachelor party. the last dirty/naughty act before the straight life.

when i woke up today, which was afternoon already *i lost sense of time and day since holiday vacation started* it was raining. i felt sad. because i couldn't go out. as i sulk and suck it all in, my tongue caught the air and it tasted sweet, a bit cold, and clean. that made me feel better. rain was needed to start the year cleansed.

so for this year, in the mold of resolutions, but not quite, i will buy less and create more. i won't buy the crap of what many people say no matter if they are of authority or of influence. it is so easy to ride on popular opinion and not think further or differently. opinion is cheap. wait, let me correct that. opinion is free. and it can go from senseless to baseless, insightful to inspirational.

creation is becoming a mother all over again. out of cerebral intercourse or pregnant pause. think of topics you've never thought of. create out of your imagination, deliver through your hands and raise from the desire of your good heart.

i'd like to write. because sharing just wells from me. as thoughts race in my head, my hands refuse to be idle. i'd like to speak. because my emotions need a tunnel to pass through and tongue fight in between. i'd like to read. because i need to learn. at how gifted people are. and experience from other people's experience.

and i'd also like to say thank you. for this space among other spaces in the whole wide outer space. because this space is free. and it frees me. the thoughts that escape me leave thought-prints here. and it makes me remember pieces of me.

i am whole. with so many changing pieces. not because i am broken patched together. but because i continue to be re/created. and that makes you part of my process. :)

happy day 1! =)

image source here.