out with it

wrote this last month...

How can you know someone loves you and yet not feel it?
Does love have to be a regular feeling?
Is it true what they say that if it's fleeting it's not love?
Damn! I'm in my longest relationship and I'm shit scared.
It seems along with the years, the combustion of passion and mind blowing feeling of deep emotion and physical attraction is slowly being exhumed.
I hate this.
It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, only thing is, it's your life you see scene after scene as tragedy is about to set in.
I've intentionally avoided writing about this or really thinking about it bec by doing so, I'm recognizing the validity and existence of the problem. Our problem.
I don't feel loved. At times.
She's not that romantic anymore, nor adventurous.
She's settled.
Dammit, that's supposed to sound good right?
But it doesn't feel good I tell you.
Being settled means you stop trying.
It's tantamount to complacency.
Even laziness!
Am I just being demanding?
I want the world. Her heart and soul and guts and blood and all the dark and carnal desires or thoughts she has.
I sure hell deserve that.
I don’t want us to be polite.
I want us to be inlove. Fighting, arguing about the most mundane of things, then kiss and make wild love make up after. laughing about our silliness and idiosyncrasies. dreaming about the things we very hope for, however unrealistic they are.
I don't want us going to the motion of being a couple equating to monotony and passiveness.
Siguro kulang lang ako sa s-x.
I gotta pee.

a month after, a pee, and some uhmph, it's a whole different story.


where are you?

I havent seen you in a while that you almost feel like a stranger to me.
It's been a long while. How have you been? What have you been up to?
I missed you, you know.
I don't feel your warmth anymore.
It's like you've been crazy busy, yet, you look lifeless.
I wonder why.
Why don't you speak to me?
Do you still want me?
If only I can reach you and hug the life back to you.
Why are you giving up?
Where's the faith?
And the courage?
You said before that I'm your passion.
What happened to that profession of love and deep feeling?
Was it just a fleeting emotion?
I'd very like to hate you.
And leave you.
But I can't.
I just forgive you.
For all your weakness.
For all your mistakes.

*conversation with my writer self*


florita, glenda

sunod sunod na bagyo.
mistula nang bugbog sarado.

kelan ba hihinto?
bakit laging ganito?

ilan ba ang dapat isakripisyo?
kaydami nang yumao.

kawawa na ang mga tao.
nanghihina sa pagkahapo.

umaasang magbabago.
at aalis ang dayo.

pero sa huli'y iiwan tayong talo.
basa, lubog, sugatan, wasak at ndi buo.


Lez Go!

The L Word Night Season 3 - Party for A Cause

An All Womyn Dance Party
when: June 30, 2006, 9pm. open bar 9-11pm.
where: Athena Plaza Bldg., Eastwood City, Libis

Ticket price: P250


*by some weird technical glitch nadelete ung entry ko na to. kaso outdated na yung iba, so ito na lang tinira ko*


ah basta!

basta may tulay, may pulubi.

basta may coffee shop, may EB.

basta may badtrip, may LQ.

basta may gym, may gay.

*may madadagdag ba kayo? :) *


Sunday morning

singing a diff tune now :)
in short, bati na kami :)
making up.
making love.

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?



Lokohin mo na lasing, wag lang ang bagong gising.
Pero may mas masahol pa dyan.
Mambitin ka na sa lahat, wag lang sa tutut!
Kahit pipi mapapamura pag ginawa mo yun.
Andaming nagkakarandapa sa 'king makipag-tutut!, tapos jowa mo, dalawang beses ka bibitinin?!
Take note ha, 2x!
Abuso na to.
Sawa na ko sa kamay ko.
Ayoko na rin pumunta sa bahay nila at makipagkwentuhan sa pamilya nya.
Ayoko na ng pleasantries.
gusto ko bastusan naman.
Tangina talaga.
Grabe, never ko naimagine na cause for break-up pala ang tutut!!
Parang ambabaw di ba?
Baka isipin nyo nympho ako.
2mos na kayong ndi nagtu-tutut!.
makatarungan ba yon?!
Kung ayaw nya ng tutut!, pwes ako gusto ko.
ngayon, kung sa akin nya ayaw makipagtutut!, e di makipagbreak sya!
Fuck you!
Mali pala.
Dapat .. Fuck me!


cr moment

there's a pretty tall girl in the ofc who commented to me (as i was fixing my hair):

tall & pretty: i always like your outfits. *i can swear she said this soo sensually, voice trailing as she entered the cubicle*
me: .. and i've always liked you. *wink*

of course that comment I just gave came from dreamland.
my back-to-earth reply was a gulp and, "gee, thanks." with a shy smile. *magpa-girl daw ba?!*


at home

when i was younger, having a dysfunctional family is ok.
it borders 'cool' zone.

but as you mature and all your friends seem to have progressed,
you develop impatience with your family.
and then tolerance grows thin.

ever got the feeling or thought that you're the only sane and normal member of your family?
i do.
and it is beating the life and optimism out of me,
knowing that i don't have the power to change them,
much more correct things for myself.

my depression roots from helplessness and self-pity.
i have recently been late from work bec of the early morning bickerings at home abt nonsensical stuff.
like who is better than the other.
i just want to bang their heads on the wall and knock some sense into them.
bec none of them is actually any good!
and yet they have the gall to compare against each other. pathetic.
superiority complex of the underachiever.
a congenital disease of our clan.
it pains me to hear the exchange of insults and the disrespect to an older sibling and to my mom.
bec all of them are self-righteous, no one admits defeat and passes the blame to everyone except the self.
self-righteousness seem to run in the blood, our second inheritance.
when do i escape this quagmire?
i fear that if is stay any longer with them, that i'll soon be like them.
of the same blood, of the same mold.
ultimate defeat.
oh god.
somebody rescue me.. :(


first official womyn crush

who made my day?

i just saw at mrt my first ever womyn crush.
err, yeah, tisay (coming out entry) is my first butch crush that i acknowledged and made me a convert.

but p.e. teacher is the first womyn that caught my attention then.
ok, attention is too light a word.
p.e. teacher is the first womyn whom i actually surprisingly, secretly got attracted to.

why not, she's the only visible lesbian in school then.
and a teacher at that.
and is uber cool too. :)
running in short shorts all the time w/ well-toned legs to die for.

she's been the buzz for a few weeks when she first came.
the incredulity of the conservatives! and she was even rumored to have a student gf.
looking back now, w/ her smart head, killer looks and a body to crave for,
im sure, she had loads of virgin offerings from smitten girrrls then,
including me. :) bwehehe.

i even fantasized (details: censored) abt her while taking a nap at our hiking activity.
ofcourse, dahil ako ay nagpapanggap na straight pa lang noon (pretending to be straight then), i dispelled that thought and totally forgot abt it until now.

i think she's still really hot.
very athletic and exudes inner power to make you submit to her :D
the years had only made her look wiser and stronger.

there i was in the middle of the throng of overflowing people in mrt (train),
staring at her, feeling college foolish, smitten, all over again.



like humans do

i accidentally heard this song.
didnt even know it was in my playlist!
duh! it's funky and as the song goes, I'm a lovin it ;)

ever since i transferred to my new work, i can say that i'm now living like humans do. :) hehe.
i'm a work slave no more :)
gosh! i'm so happy to be alive and inlove! :)
thank you dear lord for the rehabilitation :)

i confess, i'm a workaholic warrior w/ a killer work before!
an agile funds-deprived intl security software house.

now? i'm still my old workaholic skin, but with a healthier work envt :)

as i said, i'm in rehabilitation, so still adjusting to the less stressful life.
imagine the foolish me, stressing over not being that stressed.
i hope im not hopeless. :D

Like Humans Do
David Byrne

For millions of years, In millions of homes
A man loved a woman, A child it was born
It learned how to hurt and it learned how to cry
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin

Like Humans Do

I work & I sleep & I dance & I'm dead
I'm eatin, I'm laughin & I'm lovin myself
We're eatin' off plates and we kiss with our tongues

Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip Inside this funky house
Wiggle while you work
Anybody can
The rain is pourin in on a woman & a man

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out Oooh


me and my crazier grrl friends :)

friend X:
a friend of mine broke up with her student gf because she was borrowing 300pesos from
her. she felt used somehow.

couple of months later after the breakup, it is her ex's bday and this friend of mine is saving up to buy her ex a gift.

the ex wants a 30k phone. ofcourse my friend won't give the 30k! instead, she's giving a 20k worth of celphone. in friendship terms.

geez. how sweet. and i countered, hey! im also your friend, am i not worth 20k? :D

friend X is evolving to become a matrona.

ugh! *peace!*

friend Y:
she denounced being straight after her 3rd heartache. this melodramatic decision(buckets of tears in their house) was highlighted w/ a promise to her mom that she'll try to 'straighten' her life. Then

3mos of silence later, she announces her 4th gf! Great! ΓΌ


finally over.

bad trip days are finally over.
long walk.
lengthy talk.
deep kiss.
steamy sex.

we're back to our so-inlove-can't-live-without-you status :)
welcome to happy days. :)

*thanks to you know who you are for the swell advice.


badtrip pa rin

*this is the reason behind the bad day song in the previous post*

nakakatamad pumasok
wala akong kagana-gana
merong kumukurot sa dibdib ko.
tinulog ko na nga, ndi pa rin nawala.
parang wala na kong pakialam.
di bale nang ma-late.
umabsent na lang kaya ako.
tangina, ndi pde.
ndi pa ko regular.
ndi ko sha itetext.
yoko muna shang makita o makausap.
sa ofc muna ko kakain ng mag-isa.
sasabihin ko mago-OT ako, kasi ayoko sha makasabay umuwi.
gusto ko munang umiwas.
sana matuloy sha sa badminton nya, para ndi na kme magkita pa.
andami ko pa namang baong pagkain, pero wala naman akong gana.
isa pa uling hay..
sana wala akong mtg, para sa table ko lang ako.
ndi ko trip makipag-usap kahit kanino.
magi-ear phones ako at magpapatugtog ng malakas.
sana makapagtrabaho ng matino.
ang panget ko today! syeeet!
nakalimutan ko pang magpulbos.
ang oily na siguro ng face ko.
5min to 12 na, ndi pa ngtetext ang mokong na yun ah.
dedma. ndi ko sha itetext.
anong gagawin ko pag niyaya nya kong kumain na?
sasabihin ko may tinatapos pa ko.
mauna na lang sha, ndi ako makakasabay.
pano 'tong pagkain ko?
ndi pa naman ako pdeng magpagutom sabi ng acupuncturist ko.
past 12 na ah, ndi pa rin nagtetext.
sige, ganyanan na.

*nagring ang phone*
jowa: pde ka na maglunch?
ako: pde na.
jowa: may baon ka?
ako: oo.
jowa: kain na tayo.
ako: ok.

pakshet!!! *sabay hampas ng laptop sa ulo ko*
pangatlong hayyy...
ndi talaga ako magaling magdahilan.
nakng! umoo pa rin ako sa yaya ng taong dahilan ng pagsisintir ko.
magpapa-late ako.
ndi muna ako aalis agad.
bahala sya maghintay.
alis ako after 5min pa.

*matapos ang mainit na lakarin papuntang ofc nya*

jowa: amina dala mo.
inabot ko naman dala ko.

ayoko sana, pero ndi ko alam pano tumanggi w/o being too obvious.

*syet! ang submissive ko, sunod naman ako*

tahimik lang ako.

jowa: ba't ang tamlay mo?
ako: mejo masama pakiramdam ko *biglang haba ng ilong ko at sinampal nito ang pagmumukha nya!*

pagdating sa kainan.
wala pa rin ako mashado imik.

uwian na.
sinundo nya ko sa ofc.
jowa: galit ka ba sa kin?
ako: *deny to death* ba't naman ako magagalit sayo? *sabay tawa ng fake*
jowa: sigurado ka?
ako: oo.
jowa: hinawakan kamay ko.

sa bahay.
ndi ako makatulog.
binabagabag pa rin ako ng mga denials ko na 'i'm ok'.

i was hoping kasi na sya na magkusa na magsorry.
na alam & conscious sha na nasaktan nya damdamin ko.
pero it seems dedma ang lowlah nyo.
either, dense sha, OA ako or ndi na nya ko labs! waaaaah!!!! :(

dahil kailangan ko nang ilabas ang saloobin ko.
nagcompose ako ng madamdaming text.

asa bed na ko.
i wana feel better na :(
pag may dinadamdam ang puso, dama ng buong katawan.
lamu, i love you e.
pero sometimes you hurt me.
siguro unknowingly.
last night, the way you talked to me wasn't nice.
i dunno if it's bec of pride, pero i was hurt.
bakit ako sad?
i feel down.
i don't feel confident kaya siguro unproductive ako sa work.
gusto ko sana indahin na lang kaya tinulog ko na lang.
pero it's still there when i woke up.
i hope by telling you this, will make me feel better na.
i love you.


bad trip day

Bad Day
by daniel powter

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that wrong
And I'm not wrong


So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day


bag story

my gay friend invited me to buy bags and stuff at an ukay-ukay store near his ofc. he's been bragging abt great finds he's had there. and he's begging me to buy another ofc bag as replacement to the one he bought for me. he keeps saying to me, "ano ka ba ate, sylvia santos man, nalalaspag din pag inaaraw-araw!"

he's been asking me to go since last wk, but i just couldn't.
since i had an early start that day (7am!), i can leave early.
so 5:30pm, i left the ofc.
i was happy that time bec my boss, remarked that i did a good job. and when i told him i'm going, he just said, 'ingats' w/c in retrospect, he never said before until then.

my friend said, i'll need around P500.
i only have 500 in my wallet.
i withdrew from the bank another 500, which i placed in my pocket.

i'm not that familiar with the place, so i had to ask around.
when i finally reached the place near pasong tamo, my friend, who's a frequent buyer of that ukay-ukay store instructed me
that I just leave my stuff at the reception area along with his.
trusting him, i put my bag, my baunan, and my jacket.
i left my celphone clipped on my pant's waist bec gf might call or sumthin.
so we went on choosing and fitting.
i noticed that most of the people who go there were not ofc people.
the place is kinda humid, so i took my scrungies from the pocket of my jacket at the reception area.
then went back to shopping.
after an hr, we're done and was abt to pay.
when i had to get my stuff, all's there except my bag!
i didn't panic, thinking that it could be just at the receptionn table beneath the clothes and other stuff.
but after checking, it's truly missing!
so i began to consider the unthinkable.
omg! where's my bag?
where did you put it?! i demanded.
the receptionist, who's supposed to be on the lookout for our things,
said she thought i already took my bag, when i went there earlier.
but i only took my scrungies! just that. and i only touched my jacket, not the bag, explaining to her w/ exasperation.
then doing some thinking, at the speed of 1byte per 2min, she said with conviction, the gay and the preggy girl must have taken it.
bec they didnt stay long and just sped off after getting something at the reception area.
owkei, a gay and a preggy girl. that's a stretch. i stand dumbfounded and helpless.
gay friend's speechless.
bec he's always put his stuff there. along w/ his friends whenever they go there.
the receptionist also countered that this is the first time that this happened.
and i barked, tangina naman e, this is also my first time to go to an ukay-ukay store. why me?! *thunderbolts sound effect*

i suddenly realized, dear god! good thing i always have my phone attached to my body, otherwise,
i would have been in jail by now for the murder of either the receptionist or my gay friend!
or it could be a massacre out of temporary insanity, stabbing people in the ukayukay store w/ hanger hooks!
this tragedy is really crazy.
i have my celphone, so i had to call someone and share this burden.
gf first. whom i rarely don't go anywhere without, unless we have individual socializations, like now.
needless to say, she's mad. bec it's a stupid mistake to entrust your bag in an ukay-ukay store!
she made the ukay-ukay word sound really really sleazy (imagine dark alleys and icky men).
i admit, i'm no street smart, just smart, as in corporate, mall, acedemic smart.
heck! i don't even know how to commute to my ofc w/o taking a cab!
ofcourse, after all her hisses and incredulity that her street smartness still hasn't rubbed off on me after more than a yr of hanging out with her,
she had to end it with grrrr!!!!!
and a commandment: though shall not go to ukayukay ever again. hehehe.

the receptionist, was just repeatedly muttering i'm sorry in an insincere tone.
and i'm sounding estranged to it all every second that's lapsing.
at the end, i had to ask, who's accountable to the loss of my stuff?
somebody has to take the blame.
i need a neck to choke.
but before i can physically hurt anyone,
the receptionist, volunteered to pay 4k, from her salary (given the estimates i listed) and gave the ukay-ukay clothes (i was supposed to buy) for free.
it's no consolation.
but better than zero.

what's in the bag?
1500 worth of ofc id's and keys
500 money
my guess wallet (sentimental worth: gift from my sister last xmas)
around 1k worth of makeup
toiletry bag from thailand (sentimental worth: another gift from my sister on her trip to that land)
a 256kb thumb drive (of my gf, sentimental worth: her first acquisition on her first trip to thailand)
2 memory cards (64mb and 16mb)
my priceless old ids (from previous companies i worked for)
and the bag itself is worth 1k (sentimental worth: gift of my bestfriend for my new job).

it started with a bag, and ended with no bag! :(


pebrero at pag-ibig

ang pebrero ay tunay na panahon ng pag-ibig.

dalawang beses tumibok ang puso ko sa buwang ito.

ang una ay ang payapang pintig na parang mahinahong alon sa dapitahpon.
yan ang pag-ibig ko sa aking iniirog na kasintahan.
hindi kami lumabas nung araw ng mga puso,
kasi nagdiwang kami nito ng mas maaga :D iwas sa trapiko.
masaya kami. hindi kami nag-aaway, minsanang tampuhan lamang
na masakit din kahit paano, pero mabilis namang naaayos :)
matampuhin kasi ako at sya'y alaskador na numero uno.
sabay kaming nagtatanghalian at umuuwi.
hindi ako sumasakay ng fx, pero dahil kasama ko naman sya,
panatag ang loob ko.

noon, ang tingin ko sa pag-ibig ay nakakapraning.
sa aking opinyon, kung hindi nakakabaliw ang emosyong nadarama,
hindi ito tunay na pag-ibig.
paniwala ko dati, ang pag-ibig ay masidhi, malalim at mainit.
ito ay puno ng umaatikabong pagniniig, maiinit na sagutan/diskusyon,
minsan pa nga ng marahas na pag-aaway, ng nagbabahang luha at pagsasakripisyo.
siguro dahil ay melodramatiko lang ako,
kaya ganun ang larawan ng pag-ibig sa akin.

ang una kong babaeng minahal ay naging ganon ang aking karanasan.
umabot na kami sa kawalan ng katwiran at hindi maayos na kalusugan.
sa araw-araw na iyakan, sumbatan at sigawan.

sabi nila, kung kanino ka daw pinaka-nasaktan,
yun daw ang pinakaminahal mo.

bakit natin lagi kinakabit ang sakit sa pagmamahal?
na para bang pag hindi ka nasasaktan o umiiyak sa karelasyon
ay hindi na ito pag-ibig?

ah, isa itong mahabang usapin at debate na nangangailangan
ng maraming serbesa o kape.

ang ikalawang tibok ng aking puso ay kamakailan lamang.
nang muli akong nagkaroon ng panahon na manood ng mga tinatawag na pelikulang "indie".
ito ay ang mga likha ng estudyante ni ricky lee sa kanyang klaseng scriptwriting.

kolehiyo pa lamang ako ay manghang-mangha na ako sa
pelikula, pagsulat at paglikha.

aktibo ako sa mga grupong ganoon ang sinusulong.
pero dahil na rin sa ibang uri ng trabahong napasok ko (IT)
at pagiging abala sa mga deadlines, meetings at kung anu-anong asikasuhin,
naisantabi ko ng matagal ang isa sa mga "passion" ko.
hanggang nga nitong kelan lamang ay
muli kong binabalikan ang aking unang pag-ibig.

simula pa lang ng palabas, ay sumisikip na ang dibdib ko sa nadaramang pinaghalong saya at sentimyento.
pano ako nabuhay ng matagal na panahon na hindi ginagawa ang tunay na hilig ko?
kahanga-hanga ang mga taong nagbigay-buhay sa mga maikling pelikulang pinanood ko.
dahil sinunod nila ang tibok ng puso nila.
may nakita rin akong mga kaibigan na patuloy na binubuhay ng kanilang sining.
gusto ko silang yakapin. ang saya ng aming pagtatagpo :)

ngayon, muling tumitibok ang puso ko.
dahan-dahan hanggang sa naging malakas at mabilis na kabog ito sa aking dibidb.
puno ito ng pangungulila. ng panghihinayang.
ng pagnanasa. ng pag-asa. ng kaligayahan.

unti-unting binubuhay ang matagal kong isinantabing pag-ibig.
pinangako ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na muli iiwan ang aking unang pag-ibig. yayakapin ko na sya ng mahigpit at hindi na pakakawalan.

maraming mukha ang pag-ibig.
may payapa at simple.
may masidhi at nakakapraning.
may iniiwan at binabalikan.

ang mahalaga ay patuloy tayong nabubuhay ng dahil sa pag-ibig :)


ZsaZsa Zaturnnah!

from da komiks: Ang kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran ni ZsaZsa Zaturnnah.

to da musikal: ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Musikal

played by: Eula Valdez, from idolo ng telebisyon, to bagong superhero ng mga bading :)

da poster:

da superhero: pose1 (eula valdez)

da superhero: pose2

da superhero: pose3

da parlorista & reluctant superhero

da parlorista, da superhero, and da creator!

da creator, da kontrabida & da super sidekick


walk the line

i dragged my gf to watch this film, because it's nominated at the oscar's.
and critics say joaquin phoenix is the dark horse in the best actor race.
i have this gut feel that he will bag it.
i don't even know johnny cash.
but i know joaquin and how powerful his acting can be.
i'm just amazed how he landed such challenging roles even though he has 'pingas'.
if he's in the phils, he wouldn't have a chance! you know how perfectionist pinoys are when it comes to artista looks.
first time i saw him was as a sexually hungry boy for nicole kidman (To Die For).

imperfections can be sexy.
it's that unique something to a person that makes anyone extraordinary.

anyway, going back to the film.
this film moved me.
such deep love for someone.
after marriage, kids, divorce,
stardom and downfall,
drug addiction and poverty,
true love just persists.

something worth fighting and living for (not dying for).


excuse me

why can't we give this excuse for not coming to work?

i can't go to work today.
i'm not feeling well.
i have a broken heart :(

don't they know (or why won't they acknowledge the fact)
that the hurt of the heart is way painful
than the ills of the body.


brokeback mountain love

"You can never categorize or stereotype a region or a place.
People fall in love, period,"
Ang Lee said backstage.
"This is a universal story ... I just wanted to make a love story."

director of golden globe best pic, Brokeback Mountain


big boss(om)

i have a new work. neat.
but the disturbing part is, i think the Big Boss is girl-to-girl!

and because my gaydar's flashing all the lights in wangwang tune,
it's hard to see her the same professional way again.

everytime she talks to me or we're in a meeting,
the idea of shagging her keeps creeping in my mind!
*i'm in deep trouble!*

she's so tough and mataray to me.
but the more she wants me to fear her,
the more she gets stripped in my mind! :D
it is like a feeling of alternate reality.
she's the boss at work, but i'm her goddess in bed :D
ok, ok, this is more of a fantasy :)
she's kinda chubby, which can only mean ... bigger bosom!

and so each time i see her,
my gaze, as if pulled by gravity falls lower from her stern face down to her seemingly oh-so-soft *gulp!* breasts!
and the more she covers her body with suits and pants,
the more thrilled i am at the thought of what's underneath!
*i'm soo dead.*

ofcourse, no one knows at work that i dig womyn.

in my previous jobs, it used to be my ex-bosses having the hots for me.
ohdear, i think i have a theory.
is it because all my past bosses were men?!
and now, faced with a powerful womyn boss, the reverse is what's happening?
geez, come to think of it, this is my first time to work for a female boss.
ohgosh, that explains it.


surviving nbi clearance

after soo many yrs, i had to get my nbi clearance.
hay, the price of going legal.

sabi ng kapatid kong pasaway, mabilis lang daw yun.
as in 1 hr lang daw!
sasamahan daw nya ko.

at shempre, dahil umiral na naman sa 'kin ang lapot ng dugo,
naniwala naman ako.

at ano pa nga ba, shempre, mali sha!

kelan ba naman may mabilis sa govt institution?!
at kelan naman gumising ng maaga ang kapatid kong tamad?!

so ito ang aking nbi ordeal.

first off, lrt route.
manageable ang pila, so keri lang.

baba daw sa carriedo.

pagdating ko doon, andaming anak-pawis!
as in amoy pawis din! ugh!

ako po'y aanga-anga sa mga masisikip na daan,
so super Q&A portion kme ng mga manong guard at manong pulis.

across the street, ayus! lapit lang lakarin.

*** diyan po nagwakas ang maganda kong disposisyon ng lunes ng umaga ***

sa daan pa lang papuntang nbi bldg, nagkalat na ang piracy!
in loud speakers pa ha. itaguyod ang piracy! battlecry ng underground economy.

pagtuntong na pagtuntong ko sa NBI Clearance bldg, sa baba pa lang ng escalator (bongga rin ha, may escalator), puno na ng tao, sa ungodly hr na 8:30am!

ang lola nyo ay nagsumiksik sa escalator at nakaabot ng 2nd floor.

meron dun matrona looking babaeng flat-chested na nagmamando sa pila.
okey fine, gumalang tayo ndi lamang sa nakakatanda, pati sa mukhang matanda!

"ate, san po yung dulo ng pila?"

"ano ka ba, renewal or registration?"

"registration po."

"ainako, hanggang labas na ang pila. sundan mo na lang yang paikot-ikot na yan."

ang sungeet!

ako'y makati girl, so ndi ako papatol sa isang carriedo oldie! amp!

sa madaling sabi, sinubukan kong hanapin ang dulo ng walang hanggan.

habang binabaybay ko ang prusisyong ndi umuusad, andaming nang-aalok na fixer.

"mahaba ang pila, gusto mo ng mabilis? 1hr lang."
"miss, kmi na lang mag-aayos ng papeles mo."
"nbi clearance ba? sunod ka sa min."

gosh! ganito pala feeling ng dinidimonyo!
andaming bumubulong sa 'yo,
habang nangangalay na paa mo kakalakad
at pinapawisan ka na sa sa inet.

may mga boyz na nakyutan siguro sa ken at pinapasingit ako.

ako'y matuwid na tao (err, sa prinsipy po, pro ndi po ako straight sa preference),
so tinaggihan ko ang indecent proposal ng gusgusing mama.

san ako napadpad, sa kakasunod ko sa pila?

tangenang pakshet, nakarating ako sa EXIT!!!

ang haba ng pila ay mula 5th floor pababa, hanggang sa labas na ng bldg!

isang oras na walang nangyayari.
isang timbang pawis.
isang kilong mikrobyo.
isang varicose vein na tumubo.
isang pulgadang libag sa balat.
isang tuyong lalamunan.
isang kamaong kabog sa dibdib
at isang phonecall.

firewomyn: "ndi ko na kaya dito..."
gf: "kaw bahala.. ingat ka dyan ha."
firewomyn: "opo."
gf: "sigurado ka na sa gagawin mo?"
firewomyn: "opo :( "

balik sa exit, kinaausap ang guard.

"manong, pag nagpafixer ba sigurado?
as in makukuha agad?"

"oo ma'am. gusto mo ibigay kita sa kakilala ko."

"sige. saan?"

lakad sa masisikip na pasilyo.
may kinausap ang guard.
pag tingin ko sa kausap nya na madaling lumapit sa kin,
tumambad sa kin, si matrona looking babaeng flat-chested na unofficial OIC ng pila.
omg again! ganito pala ang lumunok ng prinsipyo.
pakiramdam mo binebenta mo ang sarili mo sa dimonyo.

hay, this must really be hell...

i was guided sa gilid ng bldg, kung saan may opposing rows of chairs.
at doon tumambad sa kin ang dami ng taong tulad ko ay nagpailalim sa illegal na transaction.

nakakbigla din kung gaano sila kaorganize at kasigurado sa mga kilos na sila. sanay na sanay kumbaga.

P300 ang total na bayad sa fixer, on top of the P135 "official" processing fee.

ito ang "process":
1. pauupuin kayo.
2. hihingan ng id, to check your full name.
3. you will pay P125 for the registration form.
take note, lahat ito may resibo. kaya malinis.
4. aakyat ang representative ng fixers sa 4th floor, didretso sa mga kakutsaba rin nila na nbi employees. sa gitna ng pila, didiretso sila sa tao sa loob ng windows/counters.
right before the eyes ng mga nakapila ito ginagawa. *the nerve di ba?! kumbaga sa commercial ng vaseline, "ang KAPAL!"
5. pagbaba nila, dala na ang forms
6. ididistribute sa 'ming mga 'customers' ang registration form.
7. fifill-upan namin ang form.
para mabilis, pinapalagay na first time na maga-apply.
ndi na rin papalagyan ng nickname/alias.
8. iaakyat uli ng representative para pa-process sa mga nbi employees.
ang kaibahan ng form na ito sa ipinila ay, imbes na stamped ang OR #, ito ay in the form of a barcode sticker, pre-generated.
9. bababa uli ang rep, at ididistribute uli ang stamped forms namin.
at this point, hihingan na kme ng P300 pesos.
may kaunting briefing, para synchronized ang action pag-akyat sa taas.
a. susunod lang sa rep hanggang 3rd floor.
b. dadaan sa exit stairs.
c. pagdating sa 4th floor, dumiretso kme dapat sa window 5.
10. window 5 is verification part na ng form.
sa part na ito ng nbi clearance process, 10-15 people per line na lang.
*dito sa window na ito, habang papalapit na ko sa harap, ko nakita kung panong nagpapasingit ng mga papeles ang nbi employees. as in biglang paghihintayin ang mga nakapila, para "unahin" iyon.
11. window 6, finger and hand printing.
medyo mabilis na dito, kasi nakapagtatakang around 8-10 ang officials na naghahandle nito. samantalang sa mga windows kung saan pinakamahaba ang pila ay 3-5 tao lang.
sa window na ito (although wala namang window, kasi mga small tables lang ito w/ high chairs for the nbi employees), automatic na hihingan ka ng P2 para sa swipes, pamunas ng nadumihang kamay from the printing. ndi ito optional ha, kasi for a first timer, you'd think that it is part of the process talaga.
but the truth is, pde ka namang magdala ng pamunas. or dapat part ito sa free services ng nbi.
12. window 7, picture taking.
simple lang ito, pose ka lang, then shoot, kasi digital imaging.
ang nakakapikon kayua sya tumatagal is, humihinto ang nagpipicture, kasi may sisingit na naman na mga papeles na nde nagpersonal appearance, sa halip pictures lang na isscan sa nbi paper.

ambilis ng karma talaga, kasi yung ilan sa mga isiningit na papeles ay mga kasama ko sa baba. this works for renewals. syempre, ndi ako makapagreklamo kasi, kasama ko din sila na nakipagkutsaba sa fixer. victim din ako ng sarili ko. ansama ng pakiramdam.

13. next window, final process, inaalam na lang kung may kapareho ka ng name or may kaso ka. at kamalas-malasan nga naman, napaka-unusual na ng name ko, may kaduplicate pa! o, sumpa ng karma! at kahit anong pilit ko na ipadouble check, ndi nila gagawin. single-minded approach lang sila. hay.

sa madaling sabi, i have to go back after 3 days! it's hell all over again.
so much for paying fixers di ba?!

siguro ito na ang kabayaran sa ilang taon kong ndi pagrerehistro.
parusa na naman. hayy...

to earn good karma points, here are some:

survival tips at nbi clearance:

1. information is the key!
talk only to official nbi employees, only those behind the window counters.

2. never go there on a monday. friday is the best day to go.
pinakakonti ang tao, promise :)

3. call the ofc before goin there.
clarify, if you are eligible for a renewal instead.
bec renewals are a breeze, can be done at the malls w/ nbi posts.

4. bring fan, water, food, black ballpen, alcohol/hand sanitizer w/ towel or tissue, money in 100s, 50s, 20s and coins, and loads of patience.

these will be your survival kit.

if i were to do it all over again, i won't go for a fixer.
i would have done it smarter and fair :)