tamang emote

madaming gustong gawin ang puso ko, ang katawan ko na kinokontra ng isip ko.

nais ko sanang malunod sa pag-ibig, magmahal ng malalim, pero ako'y natitigilan. nag-aalinlangan.
gusto kong maging makamundo, magwala pero mali.
ibig kong magpakasama, malulong sa bisyo, wag makialam, magpakasarap, pero bawal.

nde ako makapamuhay ng ayon sa nilalayaw ng hilig ko.

nde ako malaya.

natatali ako ng mga patakaran,
ginuguhitan ang kilos ng kultura, at kinakahon ng relihiyon.
pakiramdam ko, ngayon pa lang, unti-unti nang kinikitil ang aking buhay.
nahihirapan na kong huminga.
nilalason ang aking mga pinaniniwalaan.
pinapatay ang aking pagkatao.

pano ba ang lumaya, ang maging masaya, ang tunay na mabuhay?


a-MUSE me

i'm so distant.
i care but i don't love.
my heart is as cold as the typhoon wind,
as artificial as the aircon chill.
i work but i'm not inspired.
i'm sad, but i can't cry.
i laugh, but it sounds hollow.
i look but i don't really see.
i'm lost, but i'm not worried.
so this is what mere existence means.
i'm detached.
nothing affects me right now.
no imprint.
no impact.
everything fleeting.
i don't feel real anymore.
food has no taste.
people are just nameless faces.
pain has no feel.
suddenly, there is no meaning.
nothing makes sense.
i'm tired, burned out even.
but then who cares?
i don't.

i am musing without a muse.
a-muse me.


adam in eve

this is a very good article abt girl-to-girl and largely gays.
and this came from a straight!
beat that!
it takes a certain level of thinking to recognize lesbians
and depth in reasoning to accept us.

read and think!

Adam in Eve

By J.R. Eusebio
YOU contributor

GAYS, gays, gays. Loud gays, crazy gays, pretty gays. We're used to seeing them all around. And we've come to appreciate them. After all, they make the colors of the world more vivid, the people more boisterous, and the language more exciting.

But one other citizenry is pushing its way onto mainstream. Lesbians. A few months ago, Rosie O'Donnell and her partner got married in the state of San Francisco, partly as an act of defiance against US President George Bush's intolerance for same-sex marriages. Locally, Asia Agcaoili of the Viva Hot Babes admitted to being bisexual. I don't know if it was just gimmickry to earn her more publicity, or if she really was trying to make a statement. Any which way, I guess she succeeded. One of her interviews even left me thinking. There she said that ultimately she believes gender should not hinder love, which really, when you come to think about it, makes so much sense.

Not long after that, footages of Desiree del Valle's wedding to a young girl in Las Vegas were exposed on primetime news. Then DJ Alvaro cut her hair short for her girlfriend Aleck Bovick.

Now what could be the reason behind this upsurge? Darwin's theory of natural selection? Adaptation? Someone told me in high school that there are about three women for every man in the world. Three is to one, imagine that! What could possibly happen to the other two women who don't make it to the altar? A life in the monastery, a life waiting for a man who can only love you secretly, a life taking care of a dozen stray cats, or -- here it goes -- a life with another living creature with the same body parts as yours?

There's another possible explanation, however, to all this: economics. Let's go back to the basics. If there's little supply, and high demand, you have to find some alternative way to satisfy the need. Say the need is love, and the supply for men, which is a vital ingredient in producing love, is really low. What to do then? Take that which is abundant: women, and exploit it to its highest potentials. Thus the rise, presumptuously speaking, of bisexuals and lesbians.

And it's not so bad in my opinion, what's happening. Machiavelli would say that a classless society is the ideal society. How about a sexless one? Feminists organize demonstrations to make the world understand women are not inferior to men. Since time immemorial activists have been working for equality of the sexes. But what better way to experience that equality than by having a world that doesn't care for gender?

No matter how silly same-sex relationships and marriages are to some people, it still is a screaming testimony to the fact that the world is reaching a kind of communism. Communism, because from a society of sexual discrimination, comes now a society without even a sexual preference, so to speak. Everybody's flirting with everybody. Everybody's doing everybody. Talk about globalization! We're doing free trade here!

The Department of Health should be smiling. Seems like the population's going to drop a few notches down. I doubt if the Church is going to be happy though, whether or not this fad would lessen the number of contraceptive users in our land. But what I'm sure of is that the MTRCB's blood pressure is boiling, especially with all the TV exposure lesbians and lesbian love affairs are getting.

Well, I don't really know, but shouldn't we just be positive and cool about all this? Lesbians exist. So do men. And women. And gays. I mean I can exhaust all possible theories about how they are growing in number and all -- and I could hit the bullseye or I can just be so over the board -- but lesbians are here, and it looks like they're going to stay. That's that and there's nothing much we can do about it.

After all, we're not the ones who are on the hot seat. We're not the ones who would take all the criticism and would have to defend our very nature every so often. We're not the ones who would have to choose between sticking with society and its peculiar righteousness, or accepting the stares that come as part of the package with loving unconventionally.

The way I see it, as mere onlookers, we only have two choices. We can either turn a blind eye to the plight of the third sex, or we could look at this issue straight in the eye, and start accepting people for who they really are. For all the centuries that have been spent by wise people analyzing human nature and philosophizing about life, wouldn't it be a shame if we showed that we haven't learned a single thing? We could certainly do away with scarlet letters and little drummer boys now.

I am making my choice right here and now.

This is for all my friends who know love without boundaries.


promiscuity in homosexuality

ba't parang mas dami promiscuous sa g2g relationships? bukas n ung cont, antok n e. hehe.



it's so damn cold in my ofc that i can hardly keep a straight back. summer has officially ended. sigh.

ive been so restless these past days, even now.
i dunno what's happening. my feet's itching to go out
and my throat's drying of liquor thirst.

whattafuck is wrong with me.
im totally demotivated.
i had this all time high last week.
i think i was superb at work then!

come fri night and sat of non-stop fun,
then sun of boredom.

mon, and im moping.
tue, definitely lethargic.
wed, brooding.
thur, no improvement.

the only salvation is mangupal ng ibang tao,
mang-asar and mambulabog.

da height of decadence!
how do i shake out of this non-productiveness?
save me pls.

on her thing and hurting

where does happiness lie?
on loving?
on being loved?
or on not hurting?

where is meaning?
in purpose?
in achievements?
in being?

i'm saddened that people are hurting w/o knowing why
i want to reach out to them
but i don't have the answer.
what i have are more questions
for them, that will hopefully
lead them to the answer

this world is full of loneliness.
the bigger it gets, the more alienating the feeling is.

the space between
the distance between
the time betwen
what is the line that connects us?
what is it that will bind us?
what is it that will make us last?


love, more or lez

everybody's hurting these days. so sad.
there's always just momentary happiness or should i say bouts of joy, then kaputz!
gone that fast!
even the ones you thought were perfect for each other and exudes of a lasting love is bound to be tested.

maybe lasting love is a myth.
something we would like to believe so as to make us move on
or to give meaning in our existence.

my college professor lent me a book before and it says, Love Doesn't Exist, only self interest.

it totally demystified love and downsized it to self-interest.

i theoretically adhered to it for a long time.
and had fun spitting it out to the romantics and the hopefuls.

but at the end of the day, we all want to love and hopefully be loved.

even the most jaded in us longs for love.

i'm an idealistic person and it shatters me to accept the emotional shifts happening everywhere.

but we all have to survive.

it's always a struggle to love and make things work.
a daily battle which we either win or lose.

so i have a new philosophy.
i know for a fact that love exists.
it's in my every blood vessel and i can't let a psychologist tell me otherwise when it is something that has constantly been true for me.

i'd rather say, lasting love with the same partner doesn't exist.
love is here for all eternity.
but maintaining that same love with the same partner, that is a next to impossible task.

in the end, what's important is that we all loved and aimed for forever.