dead long ago

dead long ago - brainsalad

i said that i love you that wasnt a lie
but each time i say thesse words the harder i try
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but if your words were a weapon i'd have been dead long ago

and i cant go on living this way.. no i cant go on living this way

i'm sick of complaining but i cant get things right
the forces keep coming and i'm losing the fight
with all this confession, another slap in the face
the relationship beckons and i'm on my way

ooh your sympathy god damnit..
ooh your sympathy god damnit..

i said that i love you it turned into a lie
and each time i say these words the harder i cry
if only a compromise just to save this thing's soul
but your words are you weapon and i was dead long ago

ohh your sympathy god damn you..
ooh your fuckin sympathy..

dead long ago. i was dead long ago.
dead long ago. i was dead long ago.


mortality check

Lately, my friends come in 3 categories, dying, dead and dead-wannabe (read: suicidal).

Examine these:

My ex is having suicidal fits and seems serious abt it last week.
She's only 20.

The brother of my female friend was diagnosed with bone cancer and is at a level w/ no cure end of last week.
He is in his early 20's

The brother of a high school friend died of leukemia last Sat.
He was only 30.

Me in the middle, I come unprepared.
I'm not the sickly type. But I live a very stressful life.
And suddenly, I'm concerned abt my own mortality.

I recently attended the funeral of my highsch friend's brother.
And because she's so tired and wrought with emotions,
I offered to make her a eulogy for kuya alvin.

I never had a kuya, because we are all gurrls in the family.
So this is extra effort to me.
I only know kuya alvin from our high school days and some college days.
We're not that close, but close enough to be envious of my friend who has a brother.

kuya alvin in his early life of 30 got hit by acute leukemia.
Was healed last year around Sept, but had a remission this April.
From then on, it was a struggle to live.

**For a dear friend, angel and our kuya alvin (almost a brother to me)**

-to be read by angel-

i wil share a private family info.
in the big arlegui clan,
i have always been tagged as the female version of kuya alvin.
need i articulate the obvious? hehehe.
just make a hard look at me and you'll know. hehehe.

if kuya alvin is fondly called 'Banong', then
it is just rightful that i am teased as 'Banang' :)

from that genetic semblance and the fact the we were born just a year apart ensued a long history of asaran, kantyawan, away-bati and whathaveyous!

he is your typical kuya.
mahilig mangantyaw ska magpaiyak.
mahilig manakot saka mag-utos! hehe.

but he is also my number one defender lalo sa mga guys
na tingin nya nde bagay sa kin.
or sa mga taong inaaway ako.

and because he is my kuya, he can be brutally honest and conservative abt certain stuffs i consult him with like an appropriate outfit.

unlike typical kuyas though or men in general,
kuya alvin can be the most malambing brother you'll ever have or even as a bf then and now husband.
Ate Auwie can attest to that. *wife of kuya alvin*

he is one funny guy, not so tall, but undeniably charming!
i think it goes with our genes. hehehe.

for me, it all boils down to that, genes. blood. family.

the blood that ties us as a family and the love that binds us together will never be wounded by any disease, not even by the one that hit kuya alvin.

kuya alvin, you continue to live in here (touchin the heart) and you will continually be loved by us, your family.


angel, my friend said that she cried as she read the eulogy.
she related that this is exactly what she wanted to tell about her kuya alvin and of their family.
and that i really know her and her family to be able to write this apt eulogy.



Chicken Little
Which came first, the cheater or the egg?


By Shannon Ray

What do we consider cheating? Is it the actual physical act of having sex with someone other than your committed partner?

When you’re with someone in a committed relationship, does even thinking of someone else mean cheating? Or is the actual act only the confirmation, the exterior symbol, of the mindset which would allow it? In other words, which comes first, the cheater or the egg?

My views on cheating has changed throughout the years. Skins get thicker with time. I no longer want to meet the cheaters in a dark room with duck tape, a chair and a bat. I’ve grown-up in a sense. And in that growing up, certain situations have come into my life. I’ve been both the cheated and the cheater - and the in between. (This would be the one who the cheater cheated with.)

In all cases, it wasn’t a lack of love but a lack of commitment that was the problem. Some people just can’t be faithful; in mind or in body. Rarely have I ever met a couple that hasn’t had at least an affair of the mind - which, in some cases, is worse. Remember Ashley and Scarlet from Gone With the Wind? As Clark Gable said, “Mr. Wilkes is too honorable to unfaithful to his wife and to scared to not be.” Call me crazy, but if you’re going to cheat on me- then CHEAT on me. Don’t do it half way. If you’ve decided to go out on a limb and risk our relationship, then do all the way.

So when it comes to a 'mental' affair, perhaps the word infidelity is better suited. Cheating has a physical implication that does not truly represent its nature. Infidelity is more encompassing phrase. And it allows the insertion of a way of thinking into the milieu in which it is used. When you see the word cheating, think of infidelity instead.

The bond that holds a couple together, is strongest when there is a mental block to the idea of cheating. Once it’s been broken, it’s easier to break time and time again. A person is most dedicated to their honey when that bond is strongest - that is, the thought of another doesn’t even cross their minds. And in a perfect world, that would be great. But ours is not a utopia of great committed relationships. It is natural is it for a person who is faithful to be attracted to someone else now and then. But if the next thing you allow yourself to think is "I wonder what they are like in bed?" - then there's a problem.

Would you put a picture of a Gina Gershon or Angelia Jolie next to your lover's head while having sex? Why not? Because while you would be having sex with your partner, you would be thinking of someone else, which is universally wrong. Ever had someone call out the wrong name while in bed with you? Or have you been the one calling out for one while with another? How embarrassed were you? Why? Because it shows that you are thinking of someone other than your lover. And this is, although less egregious than the physical act, still cheating.

Sex is a state of mind as well as a state of body. It requires an active participation of the two people involved. First you mentally cheat before it happens physically. When have you had sex sober without wondering what the other person was like before performing the actual act? This progression from mental to physical is all part of sex in any form - oral, intercourse, anal, or cyber. It’s just the way our minds and bodies work.

So it is not the actual physical act of intercourse that denotes infidelity or 'cheating'; it is only the most clearly apparent sign. Cheating begins in the mind. Cheating can be entirely performed in the mind, though to a slightly lesser degree. It does not require any form of sex to be unfaithful.

If your partner is having cybersex with someone else, they are being unfaithful to you. The bond that you share will be weakened simply by the decision to share their most intimate thoughts and desires with a person other than you. And unwillingness or inability to stop only shows that they do not respect you enough to stay faithful to you. So is hooking up on the Internet for cybersex cheating? Completely!

But that’s just the way I see it. Like I said before, if you’re willing to risk your relationship to see just how green someone else’s grass is, then do it all the way. Don’t just clip their lawn. Plow the whole field, trim the hedges and clip the bushes. But above all else - don’t be a chicken little when it comes to cheating. If you're going to lay eggs, hatch them all the way.

© Shannon Ray 2004


who will daisy chain you in the summer

Daisy Chain
© Cynthia Alexander

must you seize my world by storm
have me dangle on a wind
weave a heady cloud on a
silent string of pearls

must you seize my world by storm
must you wring my heartsong dry
on a tender recklessness
to crown your moment

do you need somebody
do you need a someone
who will make your sunset last forever
who will daisy chain you in the summer

must you seize my world by storm
with a flawless cleave of hand
run your fingers through
the water of my hair

must you seize my world by storm
stake your claim upon the heavens
cast a mercy smile for this
daisy on a chain