demons

because (andami kong because sa simula ng posts no? hehehe) may pinagdadaanan ako, i need a theme song. sabi nila this is the age of abundance specially in information and opinion. pwes ako abundance in emotions and trials.

"Demons"

by Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

At the curtain's call

It's the last of all

When the lights fade out

All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave

And the masquerade

Will come calling out

At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down

But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you

Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

i wana hide the truth - kasi sa sobrang apaw ng stress ko gusto ko nang magsumbong sa fb. ilabas ang gusto nang sumabog na damdamin. but then i always stop myself. my network includes my boss, my colleagues, admirers (naks!), family who look up to me. i don't want to be a source of negativity. i want to as much as possible inspire and help people. pero sabi nga sa airplane advisory, save yourself first (oxygen mask) before others. 

that's why i had go back to this safe place. this blog. i actually forgot the password already! had to recover it to be able to post.

kung anak ang blog, isa na akong pabayang ina!:(

from hell

because am going nuts lately. at first i thought of creating a new blog, just for rants. but then, that'll take time to set up. and i needed to vent already.

just a quick recap so you know am not ignoring you guys.

i accepted a job offer that practically consumed most of my days and nights. i didn't realize i was exchanging my soul when i took that offer from hell. true it got me promoted, awarded, but it cost me my life and my health. that's when i started blogging less. i just only have energy for sleeping.

so i did that gig for two years then moved to a different job that's supposed to be less demanding but this a-hole boss decided to add 3 unrelated roles on top of my official post. it satisfied the superwomyn in me, but again, it cost me life deprivation once again.

i started post grad last year so that plus work up to my forehead, things went from crazy to really insanely wild. like i had 3 days of no sleep, surviving on caffeine and adrenaline because of piling deadlines. so it led to hyperacidity, flying temper, chest pains, tummy flabs, layers of eye bags, stress eating, skin breakout, didn't see my friends in a long while, and zero sex with gf. the only saving grace is that my gf never left me throughout that time. even though we rarely see each other anymore.

am on year 2 with post grad  and the deadlines are getting tougher. so things are not settling. then the boss of my boss last month decided to make the completion date our our project two months early! and add scope to another project. something i carefully planned and managed suddenly became haywire and i was working everyday again, morning and evening. breaking compliance on processes, daily conference calls to restrategize and come up with a solution to mission impossible. i crossed lines with some people, violated some processes, pushed and screamed at so many consultants already and have gained enemies. some got scared of me (people of higher position than mine) just by my emails, which to me was just a straightforward email, not an angry one. but i guess that's the scary part. because angry had been my new normal. it's really chaotic to a point i want to resign and already have existential crisis.

when you are so exhausted already, you suddenly ask yourself. why the hell am i doing this, killing myself, all for what? for the bonus of the powers that be and also for me to get trickled down with some leftover bonus? have i come to that? hindi naman ako G na G as they say (gipit na gipit). but they know the right buttons to press. i am a very committed person even on challenging situations. i enjoy problem solving and making impossible, possible.

so the moral of my story or rather  rant? *epiphany* tangina naman! i brought this upon myself. ouch! that hurt! it is easy to blame my jerk of a boss and his prick of a boss, but then i suck it all in and now am turning blue and suffocating.

that's sad no? hay buhay. parang easy, but then i make it difficult by always wanting to prove i can make things happen.

pwede naman i just be lazy and say can't be done. but no! am like a soldier, a genie minus the power gleefully saying your wish is my command. slave mentality. again. i never learn.

hay uli. yan muna at kailangan ko munang mag-isip. yep, about work. fml.