out with it

wrote this last month...

How can you know someone loves you and yet not feel it?
Does love have to be a regular feeling?
Is it true what they say that if it's fleeting it's not love?
Damn! I'm in my longest relationship and I'm shit scared.
It seems along with the years, the combustion of passion and mind blowing feeling of deep emotion and physical attraction is slowly being exhumed.
I hate this.
It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, only thing is, it's your life you see scene after scene as tragedy is about to set in.
Ohgosh.
I've intentionally avoided writing about this or really thinking about it bec by doing so, I'm recognizing the validity and existence of the problem. Our problem.
I don't feel loved. At times.
She's not that romantic anymore, nor adventurous.
She's settled.
Dammit, that's supposed to sound good right?
But it doesn't feel good I tell you.
Being settled means you stop trying.
It's tantamount to complacency.
Even laziness!
Geez.
Am I just being demanding?
I want the world. Her heart and soul and guts and blood and all the dark and carnal desires or thoughts she has.
I sure hell deserve that.
I don’t want us to be polite.
I want us to be inlove. Fighting, arguing about the most mundane of things, then kiss and make wild love make up after. laughing about our silliness and idiosyncrasies. dreaming about the things we very hope for, however unrealistic they are.
I don't want us going to the motion of being a couple equating to monotony and passiveness.
Siguro kulang lang ako sa s-x.
I gotta pee.

a month after, a pee, and some uhmph, it's a whole different story.

where are you?

I havent seen you in a while that you almost feel like a stranger to me.
It's been a long while. How have you been? What have you been up to?
I missed you, you know.
I don't feel your warmth anymore.
It's like you've been crazy busy, yet, you look lifeless.
I wonder why.
Why don't you speak to me?
Do you still want me?
If only I can reach you and hug the life back to you.
Why are you giving up?
Where's the faith?
And the courage?
You said before that I'm your passion.
What happened to that profession of love and deep feeling?
Was it just a fleeting emotion?
I'd very like to hate you.
And leave you.
But I can't.
I just forgive you.
For all your weakness.
For all your mistakes.

*conversation with my writer self*