10.03.2003

i have been butchered!




i used to be butchphobic.

as a personal standard, i don't want to be involved with a butch.
i know that i won't be comfortable being seen in public with one.
and i don't like the macho image that they depict.
i said to myself, that id' rather be with a real guy
than settle for a 'feeling guy'.

but one 30-min chatting time in the mall while waiting for a friend,
i managed to receive a celphone number of one young butch.
not only that, we somehow have set a date to meet,
sans exchanging pics.

i have no fear then because i gave bogus info about myself.
and i doubt if the butch would follow-up with a text or call.

so i went through with the chit-chat with my friend.
but to my surprise, the butch texted.
not only that, she even gave her home number and wanted to talk.
ofcourse, being my butchphobic self, i did not give my home number.

i did call her though. i think i'm safe as long as we're not seen together.
besides it's just a phonecall.

the conversation was short and straight forward.
i don't even like her that much, and she's also not trying to win me over.

although i'm butchphobic, i have this idea of butches that they
are sweet talkers and pursues gurls.

but this butch, is neither sweet nor pursuing.
relaying info abt herself, she does it matter-of-factly.
so i don't know how to place myself, in this femme-butch dynamics we have.

come our meeting day.
i was confident that i'll be in control of the situation,
because firstly, im butchphobic, so that makes me immuned to the pambobola,

second, i don't have to be pagurl or pacute, because butches are
not my type, so there's no need for me to exert effort to win her over,

and third, well, i can always leave her anytime with the excuse
that i have to go back to the office to do OT work.

so temporarily throwing standards away, i went to the agreed
meeting place. i needed a break from my hellish work.

she was in the dark corner of the place smoking the time away.

i hesitantly approached her.
she stood up and i extended my hand.
she smiled.
i smiled.

she's not my stereotype butch because she's slim, tall, has a soft face, funny, and charming in a sweet way.

im thankful that she did most of the talking.
she seems so open, like an open window w/ cool breeze coming in.
she's such a refreshing sight.

while i just sat there amazed, arms across my chest.
defensive stance. i kinda feel so 'tuod'.

there was one incident where i think her hand touched hand or
shoulder, can't remember which. and on reflex, i placed my arms across my chest.
she just blurted, hey, im not gonna rape you.

i was that uptight, so you can imagine.

i was actually nervous to have finally met a butch.
she just shared her eb antics, exes, friends and stuff in between puffs.

i tried smoking too. but im more of a social smoker.
so i really can't catch up with her.

one defining moment that impressed me with her is this,
her views on homosexuality is so matured and parallel with how i perceive it.

as a butch, she thinks that she is no man trapped in a woman's body.
rather, she's a woman, period.
it just so happens that her 'personality' is boyish.
and that she falls inlove with the same gender.

she has no intention of comparing herself with a man, because
it is clear with her that she's not one.

i think she got me right there.
not through pambobola, pasweet, or being pawkela.

but largely, she had me just by thinking aloud.

and that's how i got butchered.

1 comment:

Lucci Ruiz said...

wow, i can't believe this blog is 10 yrs old :)