fuck off!

putangina talaga.
nakakapikon.
nagpapakatanga na naman ako.
papaapekto sa buhay ng iba.
e samantalang sarili kong buhay, daig pa ang pubic hair sa gulo e
*pasensha ang mga sensitive jan, pero ayokong mgpapreno ngaun)
ewanko, tangina.
nde na ko matutotuto.
papauto naman ako.
pucha! extremes pa naman ako.
it's either i'm too soft or too cynical.
pero cynicism is my key to self preservation.
and trying to go against my fuckin' nature is so damn hard.
gusto kong maging kupal, para makasabay sa kagaspangan ng buhay.
pero sa isip ko lang nagagawa.
pag anjan na ang sitwasyon, napapangibabawan ako ng rason at kabutihang lagi naman akong pinapahamak.
gusto kong murahin ang kausap ko o kaya insultuhin sha, kasi sha naman nauna.
pero lagi na lang mas pinipili kong maging 'safe' at manahimik na lang.
tama ang komento ng iba kong kaibigan.
habang pinapayagan ko na inaaapi ako,
lalo ko lang sila pinapalakas.
dumating na ang panahon (sabi nga ni kapatid na aiza).
panahon na para umaklas.
basagin ang punyetang imaheng pinoprotektahan ko.
baguhin ang mentalidad na pang-alipin.
at resbakan ang mga mapang-abuso.
tangina! rambol na to!
bahala na kau sa buhay nyo.
bahala ako sa buhay ko.
wala nang pakialamanan.
putangina.
tigilan na ang 'pleasantries' at pagiging 'nice'.
magpakatotoo na lang at magtapatan.
no bullshit!
parepareho lang tayo naglolokohan.
tigilan na ang pagsasayang ng oras at emosyong walang kwenta.
survival of the toughest and the smartest na.
nakadepende sa pecking order ang sequence ng bagay bagay.
walang permanente. lahat fleeting.
so para saan pa ang kalokohang loyalty?
i will only be loyal to myself.
i will be selfish and care for myself first.
i will be a madwoman and unlease what's inside me, regardless of who gets hurt.
enough of the suppressed emotions and guilt feelings that's been hurdling me from empowering myself.
from now on, i reclaim my right to my life and to everything i'm entitled to, w/c is da world!

whew! pakiramdam ko bumubuga na ako ng apoy!
tangina! ang init!

fluidity in love

When You Love Someone
by Anne Morrow Lindberg

When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment.

It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to.
And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap out at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return.

We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity -- in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping even.

Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread and anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
makapasok ng maaga, makakain sa oras, at makauwi ng maaga.
pg sinwerte, makanood ng sine at makipagkwentuhan sa mga kaibigan.
pg talagang pinagpapala, makapagbadminton man lang.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
pero mahirap abutin.
maaga ako nakapasok. ako nga ang pinakamaagang dumating! *yabang*
pero sa lahat ng simpleng pangarap ko,
yan lang ang natupad.

12:30 na ko nakakain ng tanghalian.
nde maaga, umaga na ko nakauwi.
ni tv nde ako makapanood, sine pa kaya?!
ang mga kaibigan ko, binoykot na ko kasi nde ako lagi umaabot sa usapan.
dahil sadyang pangontra ang trabaho ko.
badminton?! ako na lang yata ang tao sa earth ang nde pa nagbabadminton!

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
kung simple sha bakit nde maisakatuparan?

idissect natin ha.
1. dahil ba nde naman talaga sha simple? tangina naman o, kung nde sha simple, e di ung bigger wishes, unreachable na lalo?!

2. dahil ba nde ito matatawag na pangarap? kung nde, ano sha? ilusyon? ohno!!!

3. dahil ba wala akong matatawag na buhay? kaya wala akong karapatang mangarap? naknampucha! ang saklap nun ha!

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
pero ang totoo, tanggapin ko man o hindi, ang buhay ay nde simple.
ang mangarap ay maaaring madali.
ang kumplikasyon ay ang mapatupad ito.

simple lang akong tao.
na may masalimuot na mundo at trabaho.
may simpleng puso.
umiibig, nasasaktan, pero lumalaban.
may simpleng disposisyon.
makipagkapwa-tao, maging patas at maging masaya.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
at patuloy akong mangangarap dahil ito ang bumubuhay sa akin araw-araw.

firewomyn is burnedout

just when i thought i have all the fire in me to give warmth to others, i am proven wrong.

today is a test of powers.

it started w/ a day made warm by first the weather, second by caring friends.
but then halfway, i was breathing and lashing fire with my boss and colleagues.
inside, it felt like sponatenous combustion that will consume me.
there's too much anger and frustration.
we are always in firefighting mode.
later though, due to exhaustion, amber of coal from what used to be a conflagration was all that was left of me.

i'm burned out.
so what fuelled me to endure this day?
a spark of hopefulness that things will turn out ok.

today is a test of powers.

and firewomyn is temporarily extinguished.

holy relationship trinity

Dykes In The City: In Their Appropriate Box
08.17.04

By Shannon Ray

During a night of drink and gossip with friends, no subject is ever too taboo. What’s your current bed status, shoe size, most embarrassing sexual moment? The answer is supplied while effortlessly flirting with the oh-so-cute bartender across the way. It’s the kind of dialogue that onlookers love to eavesdrop on.
On a night such as this, the tabletop of women queried my way. In this day and age of 'domestic partnerships', does our need for companionship out weighed our need to get some? Furthermore, can lesbians survive on companionship alone? And if so, are we doomed to dust off our dating reject box just to have someone around for major holidays? Have we settled down or just plain settled for friendships with benefits?

Once, not so long ago, I implemented criteria to discern the difference between a friend and a lover. If the thought of screaming out her name during sex elicited a spontaneous giggle instead of a sigh from me, then I put her into the 'friend' box.

True story: many years ago I met a tall, handsome, and quite witty butch. We hit it off immediately. Only to find -- horror of horrors – that she shared the same first name as my mother. The thought of my mother’s name coming up anytime during an intimate moment sent me running for the hills. Flash forward a year or so later: I found out that she commonly went by a nickname that bared no resemble to any member of my family. I learned a valuable lesson that day: research is key.

Along with my 'scream-her-name-out test', I developed 'the box theory'. Let me explain: picture three boxes – the romance box, the fling box, and the above mentioned friendship box. We all have them. But only some of us admit we have them. The friendship box is self-explanatory. Someone who you get along with well enough but are not attracted to. The fling box is the border line case of a friendship with an added bonus of a sexual adventure. And the romance box is reserved only for someone who makes your heart do a triple-loopy when she fills a doorway.

I once questioned my reliance on boxes. I looked in my friend box to see if maybe I had let a good one slip away. I rummaged through my list until the ideal candidate was found. 'Dependable' looked great on paper. All the critical elements were there: smart, funny, older, and gainfully employed. We dated for a few months, but the chemistry just wasn’t in place. The sex was mediocre at best. Yet she had potential in so many other areas. It was like adjusting to platforms when all you’ve ever worn in life was flats. There were no butterflies, no last minute outfit changes. What she saw is what she got. For a while I had even convinced myself that you didn’t need the triple-loopy loop to be happy in a relationship. But eventually it felt like I was scamming the both of us. I’ve sworn off friendship dates ever since.

It seems once a person is in the 'friendship box', she shouldn’t cross over into the 'dating box'. But recent trends within my circle run contrary. It seems that many have settled for what they can get, instead of what they want. Holding out for 'the one' isn’t on anyone’s 'to do list'. Sort of like: Why hold out for a Royal Flush, when four of a kind will do the job? But for me, it’s hard to even think about a relationship that is nearly sexless from the very beginning. There seems to be too many people that go from one person for a main meal and another for a desert and still a third for a nightcap. Since when did the fairy tale start going sounding like a progressive dinner?

There are those of us who believe in true love and great sex that last a lifetime.. At times I think we’re a dying breed: the hopeless romantics with a working libido. As for me, I like holding out for the Royal flushes in life. I firmly believe in the holy relationship trinity: companion, lover, and friend.

Friendship is key to any relationship, but not the only one. The 'friendship box' is there for a reason. There should be a difference between a causal friend and a soul mate. There has to be different criteria between the two. I want someone who oversteps my friendship box by a mile and goes straight for my heart. Someone who is capable of equally melting my heart, thighs, and soul with fierce intensity. In the infamous words of the late Marvin Gaye: “If you believe in love, let’s get it on.”

as lovers go

as lovers go
by dashboard confessional

she said "i've gotta be honest,
you're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
and i said "you must be mistaken,
cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real"
she said...she said "you gotta be crazy,
what do you take me for...some kind of easy mark?"
you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but i swear that you've got me all wrong.

all wrong.
all wrong.
but you got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'

and i said "i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life."
for so long i thought i was a silent bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.

you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

tonight.
tonight.
but you've got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'

to my next grrrlfrend

I don’t know if I shd even be thinking abt u already, what after parting with one?!
But because it did not work with the previous one makes me more excited abt you!
Always in the hope that you might be the one after all. Sigh.
The reason why the other one has to end,
The blessing to all my failures,
The answer to my questions.
The one (ala matrix).
High expectations ba?
‘nde pa man tayo parang andami ko nang pressure sau.
But I know you will oblivious to my pressure.
I think you will be the type who won’t be affected by such standards.
And bec dededmahin mo lang ako abt it, da more dat I will be interested with you.
Weird ko no?

Is it the chase? The chaste? Im not sure also.
Basta for you, I will be just as I am, no apologies.
And I hope we will blend well like milk and strawberry.
Fave ko kasi ang strawberry milkshake

Will I know right away it’s you?
By pattern, I already know the one I want.
I can tell on first encounter. And most often, if I like u da first tym, most lykly un na un.
And if I lyk u dat much, baka ligawan kita agad. Hehe.
Pero pde rin ako magpakipot. Depende kung gano kaexplosive ang ating first encounter.
Pero as personal rule, kung gusto na kita agad, bakit ko pa patatagalin? Baka maunahan pa ko sau. Or mawala ang moment. Sayang din.

Sana nde ako busy by then.
Walang OT, walang meeting, walang hassle, walang issue, may pera, nde ako nakatsinelas or nakalousy tshurt, nakapaglotion, nakapagcologne at walang period. Wehehehe.

I’ve always been faithful, so I think nde magiging problem sa ‘tin ung infidelity.

Masunurin din ako kung kailangan. Nde naman submissive pero I can bend if it will make things better as long as it won’t hurt that much (kung kamasutra bending posn to, lalong game ako! Ahehehe).

Generous ako, nature ko na ang magbigay ng kung anikanik lalo sa taong mahal ko at mahalaga sa kin.

Mahilig ako sa outdoors, so cguro lagi tau magdedate, movie, party, out-of-town, bowling, malling, eat out, watch ng plays, stuff together. At shempre kung may pera ako, lagi kita ililibre.

Pag may ot naman ako sa work, bawi na lang ako sa weekend kahit magdamagan pa.
Or sana ok lang sau ang gabihin, kasi kahit may ot ako, at the end of da day, gusto ko makasama kita or makita man lang.
pang-alis pagod ba.
Kung okay lang sau, puntahan na lang kita sa bahay nyo.

Sna nde issue sau ang pda, kasi mejo showy ako, so sana wag ka mailang pag kiniss kita or hinug in public. Pro I can be discreet naman. Pro pg nanggigil ako sau, sana pagbigyan mo na lang ako ha.

Impt sa kin ang occasions, so kung nde ka into monthsaries, pabayaan mo na lang ako na icelebrate yun with you. Kasi it makes me happy and gusto ko mag-ipon ng memories w/ u.

Ipapakilala kita sa bestfrend ko saka sa iba kong frends, even sa ofcmates ko, wag lang sa family ko, kasi closet ako. Sana maintindihan mo yun.

Kung nde ka man gusto ng frends ko, ok lang sa akin, wag lang kayo mag-aaway. Nde kita iiwan kung ayaw man nila sau. Sana magustuhan rin ako ng frends mo.

Kung may marinig man akong negative abt u, nde ako basta nakikinig sa chuchu ng iba.
Kung ano sabihin mo, sau ako maniniwala.
Pero pag napatunayan ko naman na niloko mo ko,
sori na lang, pero kahit special ka sa kin,
malamang iwan kita kasi nde na kita kayang itrust.

Wag ka sanang pikon din, kasi malakas ako mang-asar.
Lambing ko lang un. Sna lagi taung magtawanan.

Nde ako confrontational, so try kong baguhin para maayos natin ang ating mga conflicts,
sana ganun ka din.

Matampuhin ako, nde ko rin alam, kasi parang conflict sa personality ko na mejo maangas.
Siguro sa mga taong mahal ko lang ako ganun.

Wag mo kong aawayin or pagagalitan in public kasi dadamdamin ko yon.
Mejo bastusan ang dating sa kin nun.
Magmurahan na tayo ng tayong dalawa lang pero wag naman sa harap ng ibang tao.
Kasi nde maganda sa ating dalawa yun.

Madali ako madisappoint, so wag kang mangangako ng nde mo kayang gawin,
kasi panghahawakan ko yun.

Minsan may pagkamanhid daw ako sabi ng kaibigan ko,
so wag kang mahihiyang sabihin sa kin ang gusto mong mangyari.
Kung ayaw mo kong umalis or sumama w/ a certain grp or person, just tell me agad,
nde ako magaling sa mga reverse psychology.
Straight forward na lang. sensha na ha, programmer mentality na ko e.

Sana mahalin mo ako ng tunay at tapat.
Based from experience nde ako nangiiwan sa ere hangga’t kaya ko.
At mahaba ang pasensha ko.

Sana makaya natin to.
Pero sana magkakilala muna tayo nang tayo’y makapagsimula na :)