i

so what if i love you? nothing else matters. i don't care if you're unstable, an atheist, closet or attached. i love you and only you. there's no question or condition. not even if you don't reciprocate. i love you in the simplest and most selfish form. just affirming it and feeling it is happiness already. i feel powerful with this love. because no external force can destroy this love. it starts from me and if in any case, will end from me. i love you and no one can take that from me. i love you and i don't care.

dreamer

I had a dream.
I was about to get married that day.
But due to an unknown reason, I wasn't able to go to my wedding.
Another girl played proxy at the church.

Next scene, afternoon after the wedding.
The person I married thru a proxy was sitting and sad.
I felt the sadness too.
The person I married is about to leave that night to work overseas.
Sob.
We hugged.
Tight.
I felt warmth from my inner being radiate slowly
Outward, up to my fingertips.
We hugged.
Tighter.
As if quelling the impending gloom.
The feeling was so intense.
Synonymous to deep feeling
I have long forgotten.
I stepped back an inch.
To look at the this person who's about to go
And leave me broken.
Gulp!
I married a man.
OMG!

End of the dream.

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You might be thinking that it's not a dream, but a nightmare.
I don't know what to make of it. Even after waking out of the dream, I can still feel the sensations and all the emotions they stood for - love , commitment, sacrifice, separation. But he's a man for goodness' sake! In my dream, I did not care. Now fully awake, I'm concerned. Does this make me bi? I'm not really a fan of labels, but as Tim Gunn always say in Project Runway, "It worries me." I think part of the explanation is my "dream husband" was a character in a Filipino lgbt film I watched a few months ago, In My Life. It's the story of three people - the mom, mark (son of mom) and noel (mark's partner). Mom went to the US to live with Mark, but can't accept his being gay much more his partner Noel. That's it in a gist. Now back to my predicament. Could it be that I'm also attracted to males? Male gays? In pursuit of enlightenment, I discovered more reasons why I'm not really a fan of labels. See the list below:


Androgenosexual: Attraction to androgyny

Androsexual: Attraction to males without reference to that person's own gender

Bicurious: "Someone who think they might be bi but haven't explored them selves enough to be sure"

Gray-A asexuality: Generally asexual, but with occasional sexual attraction. Demisexual is a subgroup of this.

Gynosexual: Attraction to females without reference to that person's own gender

Heteroflexible: Mainly heterosexual, but can be attracted to those of the same gender sometimes

Homoflexible: Mainly homosexual, but can be attracted to those of the opposite gender sometimes

Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of sex/gender, and so including intersexed people and such.

Polyamory: people who like to engage in more than one relationship at a time.

Polysexuality: refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex but do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes.

Pomosexual: or undefined sexual orientation, is a neologism used to describe a person who shuns sexual orientation labels (such as heterosexual and homosexual), and in turn chooses not to label oneself with a sexual orientation

Queer: Any sexuality other than heterosexual

Quite confusing huh? Maybe I'm a combination of homoflexible and pomosexual. My question now is, how come someone who shuns labels has a label? Haha. Go figure.

--------
picture my "dream husband", the one in the middle.

taste of discrimination

On my way home I had the unfortunate coincidence to see a high school classmate. I haven't seen this female classmate in years. I thought my luck would never end until that day I chanced upon her in the train.

Here's an excerpt of that unbelievable encounter:

Classmate: kamusta ka na?
Firewomyn: I'm okay
Classmate: may asawa ka na?
Firewomyn: wala
Classmate: e boyfriend
Firewomyn: uhmmm…
Classmate: foreigner ba?
Firewomyn: wala akong boyfriend. Girlfriend meron.
Classmate: ha?! Ano ka ba naman, ba't hindi pa sa normal
Firewomyn: normal naman kami. And if you must know (you idiotic piece of shit!) gay marriage is legal in seven countries. Would you dare call them not normal? (you ignorant moron!)
Classmate: wala bang nanliligaw sa 'yo?
Firewomyn: madami (I'm sure sa 'yo wala). Lack of choice is not the issue. We have a steady long relationship.
Classmate: okay lang yun. Pwede pa naman kayong maghiwalay
Firewomyn: (my inner self just slapped her to pieces right there and then). Sino may sabi sa 'yong gusto ko makipaghiwalay?

*translated version*
Classmate: how have you been?
Firewomyn: I'm okay
Classmate: are you married?
Firewomyn: nope
Classmate: you have a boyfriend?
Firewomyn: uhmmm…
Classmate: is he a foreigner?
Firewomyn: I don't have a boyfriend, but I have a girlfriend.
Classmate: What?! Why do you have to do that, can't you be with someone normal?
Firewomyn: we're actually normal dear. And if you must know (you idiotic piece of shit!) gay marriage is legal in seven countries. Would you dare call them not normal? (you ignorant moron!)
Classmate: don't you have suitors?
Firewomyn: I have several (I'm sure you don’t have any). Lack of choice is not the issue. We have a steady long relationship.
Classmate: but you can still break up.
Firewomyn: (my inner self just slapped her to pieces right there and then). Who told you I want to end it?


I've been living freely for a long time now even though I'm not out in my family. I've always been comfortable of myself and so are my friends and a lot of colleagues. Never have I imagined I'd meet a bigot face to face. My gawd! It's so freakin unbelievable! Good thing we're not friends. Gf was fuming when I told her of what happened. How dare her! My friends were laughing about it. That such a person exists in this day and age. Definitely not from UP (University of the Philippines - #1 school in the Philippines). This may pale in comparison to the discrimination US must be facing now, just like what happened in Maine.

truly you cannot make a closed mind understand, the same way you can't shame the shameless.
Before I forget, gotta to delete that classmate in my FB.

Wanted: All!

I want to watch (500) days of summer, but gf can't yet because she has to baby sit with her older sister.

I'm not apologetic for the fact that I don't dig this. Why a kid and two college students need two adult baby sitters is beyond me. I've always been independent and my family's mostly independent except for money.

Another concern is why am I upset? If I want to watch a movie so bad, why can't I just watch it alone? I used to do things single-handed, but the couple status made it convenient to do things together. And had to consider the other on things, ideally because you'd want to share things with the other.

Which presupposes the other, the want to watch the movie or the want to share the watching of the movie?

I'm not really idealistic, so I'd say the personal want came first and because you know it will be personally good, then you'd want to share it with your gf. The couple thing blurs the line between the self and the couple.

Or maybe, it is not watching the movie that is what I really want but to be with gf which predisposes the desire to watch the movie.

Now I think I'm upset because I want it all - watch a movie I like with the person I like. Never mind which is the primary want, I just want it to happen as complete as I want it.

And don’t give me that crap that we can't have it all. Whoever said we can't have it all? I think we all deserve the best, the perfect things. And so what if we're imperfect? I still want the best, everything. We all deserve that. The one who said we can’t have it all probably didn’t get what s/he wants that's why s/he's limiting everybody else on what we can have or be. Well, not me.

helloween!

I'm sneaking up some personal time (to blog) amid the flurry of family activities for the all souls day.

This is the second day where I slept more than seven hours. I usually sleep 6-7hrs only on weekdays because I have long commuting hours. Yesterday, I woke up very late in the hope to catch up on sleep. However, by the time I woke up, I have this pounding headache. All the things I would love to do with my free time, like finishing up on The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, going online, watching 500 Days of Summer, window shopping, I couldn’t do, not without strain. My head hurts more when I do a lot of physical movement or when I strain my eyes. So I just did something out of character and had a chit chat with the family. It was mild and not as painful as I imagined so long as we stick to the trivial stuff like showbiz, neighborhood gossip and what to cook for dinner.

Late afternoon, gf called to ask me out. We were supposed to catch a movie and try some gastronomic adventure but then we saw in a tv ad that our good friend Professional Heckler is a contestant on that night's Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. Wow! We won't miss that for the world even if Professional Heckler told us not to watch. Hehe.

We already know the outcome because he shared to us his experience of it weeks ago, but nothing beats seeing it live. :-) Unfortunately, his exposure was just 30min (with commercials), which means, we can still go out. Yey! We ditched the movie and just bought shoes and ate at Café Bola in Araneta Center. Gf had a surprise for me and handed me this enchanting gift.



I kissed her right there and then :-) We had it turned on while we eat our very healthy dinner of salad, pasta and fruit drinks.








It was a mellow date. Light, easy, sweet and right. The only thing to make it perfect was going home together. But we had to part ways as we go to each other's homes. We just texted each other to sleep. :-)