I had a dream.
I was about to get married that day.
But due to an unknown reason, I wasn't able to go to my wedding.
Another girl played proxy at the church.

Next scene, afternoon after the wedding.
The person I married thru a proxy was sitting and sad.
I felt the sadness too.
The person I married is about to leave that night to work overseas.
We hugged.
I felt warmth from my inner being radiate slowly
Outward, up to my fingertips.
We hugged.
As if quelling the impending gloom.
The feeling was so intense.
Synonymous to deep feeling
I have long forgotten.
I stepped back an inch.
To look at the this person who's about to go
And leave me broken.
I married a man.

End of the dream.

You might be thinking that it's not a dream, but a nightmare.
I don't know what to make of it. Even after waking out of the dream, I can still feel the sensations and all the emotions they stood for - love , commitment, sacrifice, separation. But he's a man for goodness' sake! In my dream, I did not care. Now fully awake, I'm concerned. Does this make me bi? I'm not really a fan of labels, but as Tim Gunn always say in Project Runway, "It worries me." I think part of the explanation is my "dream husband" was a character in a Filipino lgbt film I watched a few months ago, In My Life. It's the story of three people - the mom, mark (son of mom) and noel (mark's partner). Mom went to the US to live with Mark, but can't accept his being gay much more his partner Noel. That's it in a gist. Now back to my predicament. Could it be that I'm also attracted to males? Male gays? In pursuit of enlightenment, I discovered more reasons why I'm not really a fan of labels. See the list below:

Androgenosexual: Attraction to androgyny

Androsexual: Attraction to males without reference to that person's own gender

Bicurious: "Someone who think they might be bi but haven't explored them selves enough to be sure"

Gray-A asexuality: Generally asexual, but with occasional sexual attraction. Demisexual is a subgroup of this.

Gynosexual: Attraction to females without reference to that person's own gender

Heteroflexible: Mainly heterosexual, but can be attracted to those of the same gender sometimes

Homoflexible: Mainly homosexual, but can be attracted to those of the opposite gender sometimes

Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of sex/gender, and so including intersexed people and such.

Polyamory: people who like to engage in more than one relationship at a time.

Polysexuality: refers to people who are attracted to more than one gender or sex but do not wish to identify as bisexual because it implies that there are only two binary genders or sexes.

Pomosexual: or undefined sexual orientation, is a neologism used to describe a person who shuns sexual orientation labels (such as heterosexual and homosexual), and in turn chooses not to label oneself with a sexual orientation

Queer: Any sexuality other than heterosexual

Quite confusing huh? Maybe I'm a combination of homoflexible and pomosexual. My question now is, how come someone who shuns labels has a label? Haha. Go figure.

picture my "dream husband", the one in the middle.


kimber p said...

I don't think it means you're attracted to males really, but I am sort of the mindset that when we dream about the opposite sex, we're actually dreaming about another dimension of our own personality.

and you did mention that you married this man via a proxy, so you didn't actually make the commitment, she did. The sadness you felt at his impending departure maybe indicates that you feel you're losing a part of yourself to something you can't identify yet.

I wouldn't sweat it too much, in any case.

firewomyn said...

hi Kimber! :)
how can you be so always wise? i really felt panic with that dream and texted gf about it. i just want to be honest with her. but she didn't show any big fuss about it. so i'm glad :) and i feel better after reading your comment. thanks a lot! :)