the mourning after

i just ended it with my gf.
i decided that silence is enough closure.
it took me around two weeks to dust off the past
and the bad things that went with it.

after logical thinking with cursing here and there,
i learned that i deserve more than this and i can be even better.
life is so vast i just have to go out and enjoy it.
im just glad that it all ended.
and im now able to explore my full womynhood.
i've been sooo blessed that i can only be thankful for everything.
the whole experience enriched me as a person.
i discovered lots of stuff about myself.
and i realized that i don't want to stop here.
i simply can't.

as they say in basic web programming, "Hello World!"
I guess i'm back in the game.
recharged and fully driven! vrrrrrooooooommmmmmm!!!!!!

tangina.

may nangyari kahapon, pero bukas ko na kukwento.
ung ngayon muna. kumbaga paatras tayo.

tangina.
eto na naman ako.
inaatake ng pagkadoormat syndrome ko.
nung thursday to nagsimula e.
kasi sya, parang ok lang sya.
tuloy lang pangangarir.
parang nde man lang nasaktan.
samantalang ako, laki na ng pinayat ko dahil sa kanya.

tangina.
naiisip ko na naman sya.
nalulungkot na naman ako.
nasasaktan na naman ako.
kailangan ko na naman uminom.
magpakalunod sa trabaho.
magpakapagod.
para paguwi, tulog na lang.

mura na naman ako ng mura sa harap ng pc ko.
ung mga lalakeng katabi ko, napaplingon na.
pero wala akong pakialam.
kunsabagay, naiintindihan naman nila ako.
pero ako, nde ko maintindihan sarili ko.

tangina.
nde naman kami mashado matagal.
nde naman sha ganun kagwapo.
nde rin sya ganun kagaling mag-alaga.
nde naman kami mashadong nagkita.

tangina.
pero bakit apektado ko ng walanghiyang yon?
bakit ako nagkakaganito.
ang hirap ng may sharp memory.
mahirap makalimot.

minsan nadadaan sa logic.
pero minsan, napapraning ako.
nagiging illogical.

hay.
tangina talaga.

magic rule

how come i most often come unprepared.
everytime i look shabby, i meet people i know, cute peeps i kinda want to impress.
so i gather, that the safe rule is to always be prepared.
always look your best!
it's a win-win thing, everything to gain.

i also went to a caribbean bikini watch.
and from there, i learned of rule #2.
it's all about projection!
yes. the external world will perceive what you want them to perceive of you.

we all have that power, the power of illusion.
we actually are magicians, continually pulling rabbits from the hat.
performing tricks here and there.
whether to our bosses, colleagues, teachers, friends, enemies, strangers even.

and the ones that triumph most are the ones who do the greatest trick.
by making others believe that the act/trick is real.
that's magic!
that's the secret.
that's life.

sisterhood

nampuchang yr of da monkey yan.
langya! nu yr na nu yr, puro kamalasan.
one blow after another.
daig ko pa nahazing!
as in emotionally black and blue!

pero kahit naman ako mejo nagmukhang punching bag at doormat
for a while, e naresurrect ko nmn ang sarili ko kahit papano.

pag problemado ka, lalo kung usaping puso ito,
3 bagay lang kailangan mo:

alak, yosi, kainuman!

kung meron ka na nyan, solbs ka na!
not necessarily masosolve problems mo, pero
ito ang mga ingredients sa tinatawag kong 1st step to healing!
ayus ba?! hehe.

sa 2nd step, kung mejo kalmado ka na, ito na kailangan:

celphone, pangtxt, cofi shop.

yan ay para i-mit ang mga frends para sa mga second round of emotional outpour
pero w/ sense of logic na to.
dwelling on da lessons learned na at nde pagmumura at pangungupal sa ex.
kumbaga, moving forwards na.
mejo maayos na usapan by dis tym, kc kumalma ka na.

sa 2 steps na 'to, heto ang mga inistorbo ko at pineste nung
panahong lost, confused at praning ako.

errol
my pare! andun sya nung sobrang depressed ako.
matibay 'to! kasi kahit tinatarayan ko na, nde ako binitawan.
nagtyagang makipag-inuman sa ken.
pinilit akong kumain.
kinaladkad akong magsimbang gabi.
tinuruan ako ng mga kagaguhan sa net.
nilibang ako sa mga kwento at korni jokes nya.
para tong spartan, subok na matibay!
oi! may utang ka pa sa keng treat!

mai
altho we don't see each other as often na kasi malate gurl na sya.
pumupuntang makati yan para damayan ako.
sinasamahan nya kong magyosi (kahit nde ako mshadong nagyoyosi at gusto na nyang magquit)
para ipaliwanag sa ken na nde lahat nadadaan sa logic.
at para iconvince ako na subukan ko ring magkape-kape,
at wag mashado magfocus sa iisa.
salamat! kahit ayaw mo ko nakakasama kasi napagkakamalan tayong mag-on.
straight kasi sya e. sagabal ako sa karir.

ralf
my bestfrend for lyf!
he gives out the most sensible pieces of advice.
he helps me to untangle the mess i'm always in.
sha ang aking personal strategist at speech writer
he smacks me on the head to put some sense into me.
and reminds me that i should rise above this.

camz
sweet na cute gurl pa!
i learned from her that one of the best ways to forget your own probs is
mang-asar, mangkulit ng ibang tao at mamroblema ng problema ng iba!
hehe. diversion is da key! saka makibasa ng blog ng iba.
a new found frend. kitakits na lang ha?!

summer
misery loves company.
kaya may instant konek kme.
sobrang eager sya to meet me, listen to me and share her own experiences.
ofcors, mas tragic ung sa kanya.
she makes me feel na wala akong karapatan na magreklamo!
iba talaga ang empathy.

kris
my dial-a-friend!
bru ang tawag nya sa ken. ang sweet di ba?!
one of the first few ones who called me up and endured my rants!
hehehe. buti maayos pa eadrums mo.
as in daig ang call center sa pagsusupport at follow-up.

jd
ur honor! ang bossing mo nagkamali.
between da two of us, matagal na nyang napredict na me and my gf's reln is just a bomb waiting to explode anytime.
kumbaga nde na sya nasurprise. sheeez!
nakahelmet nga yata ako nun! hehe.
lamko busy to mashado sa pagsusunog ng kilay,
pero mega-offer agad sya to see me and comfort me.
touched talaga ako ur honor.

rhyder
future (monkey) business partner ko to e.
nde kme mashado pa close and yet when i txted SOS,
instant offer sya to listen to my sob story.
good thing we're both film buffs,
so in between my paulit-ulit na kwento,
may commercial kme ng mga les films.
sobrang baet nito.
kliyente ko to pero pumayag maging driver ko para mahatid ako sa ofc.

olats mode

tangina! ang olats ko na!
nde naman ako dati madrama e.
masayahin akong tao. alaskador.
astig! makulit! balasubas! optimistic.
logical! nde emotional. nakukuha lahat sa rason, logic.
nde ako umiiyak.
peronampucha naman o!
ang korni ko nang tao.
dinaig ko pa ang mga telenovela at mga suicidal sa pagdadrama.
andami ko nang nagawang tula.
suki na rin ako ng kazaa kakadownload ng kantang naaakma sa quagmire of a
situation ko. pati lyrics, sinusurf ko din sa google.
nagjojournal n ko ngayon! online pa!
talagang gusto ko yatang maghanap ng kakampi, karamay.
gusto kong isigaw sa world wide web--- i'm in pain! sawi ako sa pagibig! help me! (press f1!)

nde naman ako galit sa mundo.
nagmahal lang at nasaktan.
kaya pasan ko ang daigdig sa dibdib ko.
kasalanan ba yon?!
mali ba na maging mahina ako?!

aaaaarghhh!
pano ba magtransform pabalik?
teka, nagtransform nga ba ako?
o nagevolve, nagmetamorphosize?
ngii! nde naman ung gaya kay kafka na metamorphosis ha!
wala akong balak maging ipis!
kahit sila pa matitira sa earth after a nuclear holocaust.

doing the write thing

my writings are reflective of my repressed side.
it is only when i write that i become totally free.
this is my escape, my refuge. this is me.
unexpected occurrences trigger me to write.
interesting encounters inspires me to write.
and boredom urges me to write.
right now, i have a muse who lets out various emotions in me.
i find that feelings are non-polar.
the spectrum from love to anger to apathy, they are just buttons to click by appropriate stimulus.