i grew up independent, not needing anyone but mostly needed. i have learned not to hold on to things or anyone for i don’t know if they will leave or stay. if they stay, unsure for how long. so it is easier not to hang on to things or expect permanence. nothing lasts forever so the jaded say. but unless you believe in life after death, then yeah, there’s only now.
and in this many nows I've stringed upon like a necklace, i have met many persons including myself. i thumb to one of these persons and memories drip like dangling earrings with sparkling clarity and at times studded jolts.
pain i know too well, that laid brick after brick of wall built so high, i couldn't even see myself. i am guarded. even from myself.
like i spoke of so many wants, unedited because my mind will catch up soon and filter it using the micro mesh of what’s realistic and workable with my situation.
what is the purpose of dreaming then? of thoughts in adrenaline rush only to be barred at one stop or to evaporate under scorching heat?
maybe to give a now that’s both creative and free? to replace one brick from the fortress I've built one after the other. maybe if i just give in without care or hate, then i can permeate the wall and can run free barefooted to anywhere and be excited to the possibilities.
i’ll jump at the first sight of deep water and just plunge. cut through the icy water and push through until i can no longer breathe or kick. that would be liberating yeah? but can also be fatal.
but come to think of it, we only truly know things through their opposite. so what is life if not knowing the boundaries?
*** i think am getting the hang of this macbook. yey! ***