The tempest of the first

My first gf was heavy drama. If my relationship with her will be a film, it'll be Annabelle gone Psycho, a love thriller. *to think Loving Annabelle is intense already*

It'll be a short film because it lasted for a couple of months only. But mind you, it was the most torturous months of my love life. I was depressed, full of angst, guilt stricken, I was a wreck. She has this special talent of making me feel it's all my fault, that my love caused her misery. My love for her that was as deep as the abyss (naks! Drama!) wasn't enough to save her.

Every misery has a promising start. Being my first time, am OA sa pagka-excited and atat. I was weak and aaminin ko na, nadaan ako sa ganda nya!

So even though i somehow sensed there's something amiss, i ignored all the warning signs and dove head on, literally and figuratively.

Free fall is always intoxicatingly, blindingly fun at the beginning.There's joy in being a puppy sick lover reincarnated. There is meaning in suffering.

But i learned (the hard way) beauty can only take you so far. Kahit anong ganda ng isang babae kung mas marami pa syang issue sa reader's digest, papangit din sya sa paningin mo, papait din ang lasa nya pag tagal. At mabubunutan ka ng tinik pag break na kayo.

If there's one thing am thankful for of that mad love, my desperate situation led me to blogging - initially as a way to reach out to her, then as form of therapy, and now just to share to my heart's content. =)

so why write about the first? last i heard, she's in US to where i'll be going. and of course, no one forgets the first. my last image of her was the last pic she sent - donned in her bikini. and i hate to say it, but she still looked hot.

a friend sent me this poem to introduce me to neruda. after reading, i have confirmed, pablo and i have been friends long before, for he knows my heart. to friend, thanks! :)  here's the saddest lines for my first.

The Saddest Lines
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example: "The night is shattered,
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
That I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not not have loved her great, still eyes?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered, and she is not with me.

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms,
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for her.


scout said...

Cheers for tumultuous firsts! :)

Anonymous said...

and i remembered reading a poem from neruda with the line..."only with waves at my back can i love you..." - paula

Kim said...

"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
That I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."

This poem introduced my to Neruda.

Anonymous said...

:) good for you... regarding pablo neruda, have you heard his poems bein recited by madonna, julia roberts and a whole bunch of hollywood peeps? fave ko din kase yung na-ipost mo. cheers! happy trip pala.. God bless :) -w1cked

Anonymous said...

This poem introduced me to Pablo Neruda:

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

tequilabreath said...

hmm, usapang neruda na pala ito. :P

w1cked - i think you're referring to the soundtrack of il postino. tonight i can write the saddest lines was read by andy garcia i think. :)

Anonymous said...

tequilabreath, cguro nga.. :) so, andy garcia read that one hehe! :) i remembered gettin into neruda when i was in my post grad days hehe

hmm musta na kaya si firewomyn? i hope you're doin well... -w1cked