the awakening

i just learned that loving knows no gender.
it's not the sight or the mind.
it's the heart that feels.
i say this because i met 'pare'.

i have been straight all my life. i have lots of gay friends, i even know some lesbians.
but it never occurred to me, nor have i ever imagined that i'd fall for a girl.

i didn't plan it, it just sort of happened gradually, like an evolution.
series of events that serve as preparation until you reach that level of readiness.
thus when it actually happened, it felt so natural, just right.

during my college years at UPLB, i've had two encounters with lesbians.
i was touched by the attention, but not really comfortable about it.

then when my bestfriend came out as gay, he exposed me to his world, the third world.
i find it fun, acceptable, exciting and adventurous.
after two years of hanging out with them, i somehow learned the ropes, the social dynamics.
this was mostly male gays.

when i entered a new IT company at makati i got to know, and work with lesbians.
one was the gf of a friend from UPLB, the other, a programmer too.
they're not your typical lesbians.
they're not boyish, in fact, they're very feminine looking, even sexy.
i was beginning tobe comfortable with the idea.

me and some girl ofcmates go to a lesbian bar called, ladida in malate.
we just want to have fun, we're all straights.
one lesbian from another table asked me to dance. ofcourse, i declined.
but deep inside, had i not been conscious of my straight girl friends,
i would have accepted the girl's offer.
why? curiosity, excitement and because i was flattered.

after that things got a little bit slow.
although in the office, i am often caught by guys staring at sexy female ofcmates.
sometimes, i just can't help it.
i'd say it's more of an appreciation of the female form, nothing lustful or sexual.
just pure admiration.

several months have passed, i'm back to my old straight self,
until my bestfriend, a girl ofcmate and me, spent holy week at puerto galera.

on the first night, i got so drunk, i went with a guy, a young one.
we made out on the sand.
it was alittle bit funny, because in between kisses and touching,
i was coughing out sand! hahaha! it sort of dilutes the intensity.
he was so horny, he wanted to take me to his room.
i refused, i said, i need to find my friends, because i don't know my way back to our place.
he tried to convince me, but i wouldn't budge.
it was a worthwhile experience. it was my first time in my life to be intimate with an anonymous guy.

the next night, my friends and i went bar hopping.
a lot of bars there were populated with male gays.
heck! 3/4 of the people in the island are male gays!
we went dancing, got tired, then sat on a nearby chair.

on that pause, i saw her. she's tall, handsome and fair.
i named her tisay.

acting on impulse, i stood up, went to her and danced beside them, alone.
i kept staring ather while dancing. i like her a lot.
but after sending all the signals, she hesitated and didn't approach me.
from their nonverbal cues, i deduced that the one girl in their circle is her gf.
i felt defeated. i just drank the night away out of frustration.

my friends on the other hand were shocked at the way i behaved.
it was a clear indication of my 'tendencies'.

that night was a revelation for me.
it was self-discovery.
my sexual preference was changing.
the attraction i felt for tisay was quite strong.
part of the intensity is in the novelty of the feeling.
a genuine attraction with the same sex.

it didn't feel confusing. i was not ashamed. it felt just natural.


purpole78 said...

Two things: (1) Thank you for expressing what I feel... and what a lot of other girls feel. Personally, for me, this entry helped me understand what and who I really am; (2) I wish I could be as spontaneous as you, not always having to worry about a lot of things before acting on my feelings... mukha talagang I'd end up tigang forever.

firewomyn said...

@purpole78 - two things: (1) you're welcome =) i read it again, and i want to write an updated version of it, knowing now what i know/learned. :) am glad to be helpful. fascinating that as i was helping myself, i helped others too; (2) haha! wag ka maniniwala sa low EQ na kagaya ko. it is hard for me to control myself. it has pros & cons. but i do hope your dry spell will soon be over. siguro pag lagi kang dumikit sa kin, mhahawa ka na sa kalikutan ko. hehe. chill! maginaw! :D

Anonymous said...

That's what's poets/artists really do, express their feelings and along the way, help others understand their feelings as well. I consider you an artist.

I'll wait for the updated version, and the invitation na makadikit sa 'yo, mahawa man lang ng kakulitan. =) - purple78

firewomyn said...

@purple78 - naks! artistahin pala ako! ahehehe. sige, meet tayo! kelan mo gusto? weekend lang ako pde. penge pasalubong sa mga byahe mo ha. hihihi. hindi pa kasi ako nakakaalis ng bansa. at ano ba talaga nick mo, purple or purpole? :D

Purple78 said...

Tara! Pasabit naman sa mga gimik mo, weekend is best for me as well. Pasalubong sa byahe? Hmm, may natira pa atang chili squid from my last year's Bangkok-Laos trip. Hehe, may kasama ng amag. ;-)

firewomyn said...

@Purple78 - cool! Weekend lang din ako pde unless lunch makati area on wkdays. Anyhoo, am allergic to squid, amag I dunno yet. Hehe. Just holler if you want to gala/rampa :)