ex-ing the gf

note: hiwalayans are never easy.

i don't know which is more painful, the away in between or finally deciding to let go.
pero when you put an end to a once potential 'forever',
the effect is either self-destructive or simply life-altering.

how did i decide that it's the end?
i've tried to put it off for the longest time,
hoping against all odds that we can sort out the differences.
kasi as they say, sayang naman.

but it's hard to fight when the other one is no longer in the same cause.
and then realizing this, you suddenly feel tired and weak.
then you cry. kasi even without saying it, you know, it's a lost cause.
you lost the fight. and then you feel lost.

but eventually, you'll be back on track.

below is a letter i wrote for my (ex-)gf then:

------------------------------------------------------
alam mo kung gano kita kamahal?
mahal namahal.
hindi mo na kailangang hingin,
i'm giving you your freedom from me.

i have already accepted the fact that i'm not the one who can make you happy.
i have been the cause of a lot of your pain.
i'm the one who made you numb.
i can't make you express your love the way you used to.
we must have lost something along the arguments, silences and indifference.

we may still love each other,
but not in the same intensity that can make us go on any longer.
in fact, we're not going anywhere.
we're lost.
i can't go on like this anymore.

don't waste your time on me.
spend your time with someone who excites you,
who brings out the best in you,
who angers you,
who makes you passionate,
who makes you feel secured and loved,
who makes you feel alive,
who makes you feel.
i love you so.
it feels like a part of me is dying as i make this difficult decision.
but my time with you is up.
i can't keep you any longer.
you've been kind enough to stay with me,
inspite of the compelling reasons that you shouldn't.

i can only say thank you for everything.
i'll always be here for you,
maybe not as your better half, but as a friend.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

coming out

i feel that i don't have anything to tell yet to my family.
it is not necessary that i volunteer the information.
but if it comes to a point that i am asked,
and there is something definite and concrete to say,
i am ready to answer.

i think i have reached the age and status wherein i don't need their approval.
it would be ideal if we will all be in agreement about important concerns,
but that's wishful thinking.

it's been merely months since i discovered a new facet of my sexuality and preference.
and i can admit that there a lot of things i haven't thought of yet,
much more decided on.

fate brought me to this.
i didn't ask nor did i seek for it
it was a gift.

of the many things i'm not sure of,
of all the things i don't know of,
there is one certainty, i know and feel.
i love myself and women without doubt.

even after all the differences, heartaches, misunderstandings.

i have considered the scenario of informing my family
and of possibly what to tell.
and what i realized is this.

i am not yet ready to tell them anything yet.
because there is nothing concrete to tell yet.
suffice to say that it's too early.
but i believe that it's a process.
and i'm willing to undergo the process until it's time.

this is my life's journey.
it has been made more meaningful when my path crossed
with peyups bisexuals, with the woman i used to care for
and with the woman i now love.

i am thankful that i've known them
and blessed to have been loved by them
and happy to be part of their social sphere.

this is me.
in and out of the closet.

the awakening

i just learned that loving knows no gender.
it's not the sight or the mind.
it's the heart that feels.
i say this because i met 'pare'.

i have been straight all my life. i have lots of gay friends, i even know some lesbians.
but it never occurred to me, nor have i ever imagined that i'd fall for a girl.

i didn't plan it, it just sort of happened gradually, like an evolution.
series of events that serve as preparation until you reach that level of readiness.
thus when it actually happened, it felt so natural, just right.

during my college years at UPLB, i've had two encounters with lesbians.
i was touched by the attention, but not really comfortable about it.

then when my bestfriend came out as gay, he exposed me to his world, the third world.
i find it fun, acceptable, exciting and adventurous.
after two years of hanging out with them, i somehow learned the ropes, the social dynamics.
this was mostly male gays.

when i entered a new IT company at makati i got to know, and work with lesbians.
one was the gf of a friend from UPLB, the other, a programmer too.
they're not your typical lesbians.
they're not boyish, in fact, they're very feminine looking, even sexy.
i was beginning tobe comfortable with the idea.

me and some girl ofcmates go to a lesbian bar called, ladida in malate.
we just want to have fun, we're all straights.
one lesbian from another table asked me to dance. ofcourse, i declined.
but deep inside, had i not been conscious of my straight girl friends,
i would have accepted the girl's offer.
why? curiosity, excitement and because i was flattered.

after that things got a little bit slow.
although in the office, i am often caught by guys staring at sexy female ofcmates.
sometimes, i just can't help it.
i'd say it's more of an appreciation of the female form, nothing lustful or sexual.
just pure admiration.

several months have passed, i'm back to my old straight self,
until my bestfriend, a girl ofcmate and me, spent holy week at puerto galera.

on the first night, i got so drunk, i went with a guy, a young one.
we made out on the sand.
it was alittle bit funny, because in between kisses and touching,
i was coughing out sand! hahaha! it sort of dilutes the intensity.
he was so horny, he wanted to take me to his room.
i refused, i said, i need to find my friends, because i don't know my way back to our place.
he tried to convince me, but i wouldn't budge.
it was a worthwhile experience. it was my first time in my life to be intimate with an anonymous guy.

the next night, my friends and i went bar hopping.
a lot of bars there were populated with male gays.
heck! 3/4 of the people in the island are male gays!
we went dancing, got tired, then sat on a nearby chair.

on that pause, i saw her. she's tall, handsome and fair.
i named her tisay.

acting on impulse, i stood up, went to her and danced beside them, alone.
i kept staring ather while dancing. i like her a lot.
but after sending all the signals, she hesitated and didn't approach me.
from their nonverbal cues, i deduced that the one girl in their circle is her gf.
i felt defeated. i just drank the night away out of frustration.

my friends on the other hand were shocked at the way i behaved.
it was a clear indication of my 'tendencies'.

that night was a revelation for me.
it was self-discovery.
my sexual preference was changing.
the attraction i felt for tisay was quite strong.
part of the intensity is in the novelty of the feeling.
a genuine attraction with the same sex.

it didn't feel confusing. i was not ashamed. it felt just natural.

Bold=Butch?

i've always identified butches to characteristics that go beyond the masculine looks and getup.
i find them dominant in the sense that they are oftentimes the pursuer.

yet they can also be the sweetest creatures, 'cause they tend for the gurls, straight or otherwise.
the extinct chivalrous acts of opening the door for you, assisting you as you stand-up or cross the street.

they can also be spoliers to their 'girls'.

the dark side of it is they can also be possessive, abusive and domineering.

then one day, i met a girl i like.
and because i like her, and i have no sense of so-called 'roles',
i invite her to movies, to eat out or just have coffee and talk (read: dates),
i prioritize her preferences, where to eat, her convenient time.
i txt her just to say hi, to remnd her that it's time to eat, to take care as she go home, and to have the sweetest dreams in her sleep.
i listen to her rants about her ex.
i empathize with her depression, problems
i try to make her laugh as much as i can.
i guess, i'm courting her in my own ways.

so what's odd with our setup?
i look definitely more femme-ish than her,
while she's on the boyish side.

on one of our 'dates' i was wearing sleeveless fitted blouse
paired w/ low hung jeans and heeled shoes.
she, in long sleeved sweats, slacks, side sling bag and loafers.

i honestly feel butch when i'm with her.
i felt butch and bold enough to ask her if she likes me and that I want to have sex with her.
i know i sounded 'off', because i was too starighforward.

i don't know if this stems from the fact that i am the pursuer
or because i just want her.

but i just feel that i like her and i want her to know the extent of that 'likeness'.
i may be coming in strong for her, but that's just me being brutally honest.

i realized that i dont' have the patience for prolonged pleasantries,
when it is clear to me what i want and when i want it.

my friends are having a field day on my 'butch' antics.
they are saying that i'm now butch.
a femme-butch, soft on the outside, brazen in the inside
does that make me a soft butch? androgynous?
hell! does it even matter?
it's just semantics for me.

this is beyond terminologies, it's more on the 'terms'.

the life cycle of my womynhood

i'm new in the so-called 'industry'.
been merely four months since that defining night.
an awakening of sorts.
but within the said months, a lot has happened.

April, i got attracted to a pretty butch, who i stalked during our stay at puerto galera. a night before meeting her, i was heavily making out w/ a guy

May, i had a gf w/c started from yahoo chat.

June, was ‘out’ in the ofc.

July, broke up with gf for reasons that merits a separate article, joined and met bisex peyups peeps

August, i've been dating. courted a femme, been courted by a butch

I bought the book ‘tibok’, the only local lesbian book available.
its tagline goes like, 'the heartbeat of the lesbian pinay’.

I kinda find this contrary to the content, because most of the stories were of pinay lesbians overseas, so the setting is of foreign heartbeat, plus needs to be further proofread, typo errors.

I surfed for websites for resources dealing of the same nature.
One I regularly visit is lesbianation
It has insightful articles.
My personal favorites are ones written by LA Vess.

Second to my list is the encounters
for my daily dose of steamy sexual stories.
Nothing beats a morning coffee than the blood rush I get from this.

My recent find was SOUL, SOUL
A locally developed site that I consider a decent site. They try to put depth in the lesbian existence from mere ‘womanizing’ or ‘pangangarir’.

I attended a few exclusive parties. Met up with others.

I’ve been studying the culture. I’ve been learning a lot since.
The lingo, the spectrum, the ‘moves’, the lifestyle, the issues, the dynamics, the people. And in the process of that studying, I learned a lot of myself.

I learned that I do find womyn attractive, enough for me to want to be physically intimate with them.

That I can love them with the same intensity if not surpassing the passion I used to feel for men.

That I feel more relaxed and strengthened when I’m with them.

That parents are always the last ones to be informed.

That there are stereotypes within the ‘circle’, like rigid role playing, and adherence to specific ‘types’.

That lesbians or womyn bisexuals are now tolerated, if not fully embraced by the conventional society.

And acceptance both of ourselves and largely, by the society, is, I dare dream, near our reach already.

burnout

nakakatamad magpost sa blog ko,
kasi wala akong ibang makwento kundi abt work!
ikaw ba naman, papasukin for 12hrs (9-9) mon-sun ha!
ewan ko lang kung hindi ka kumain, sumuka at jumebak ng trabaho!
parang nakakaliit ng mundo.
nakakapanghina ng katawan.
matalino nga ako, kasi lagi nag-iisip sa work, pero
feeling ko ang boring ko namang tao.
hay, lost.
ito na siguro yung sinasabing burnout.

galit sa earth

ayoko nang maging maingat.
ayoko nang maging mabait.
magpapakatotoo na ko.
dahil putanginang buhay to,
bad trip talaga ako.

una, sabadong-sabado, pinapapasok kami sa trabaho.
pangalawa, sa mga kanong kliyente ko na wala nang alam kundi manisi sa kin kahit sila naman ang dahilan kung bakit nadelay ang project.
e bwakanangsyet ka pala e! pabago ka ng pabago ng design at specs,tapos ieexpect mo, matapos agad?!
helow! bobo ka pala e.
palibhasa nde ka marunong magprogram.
ikaw kaya gumawa nito! tingnan ko lang kung kaya mo.

pangatlo, namputsa! may hangover ako!
as in sakit ng ulo ko, na mahilohilo pa ako.
para akong zombie na nakatapat sa pc ko at mechanical ang movement.

naisip ko, siguro part ng reason is because
nde nasunod yung plano ko kagabi.
na kumain sa tiannamen,
at makuha ang sexual favor ko from someone.

ang daming gustong mangyari ng isip ko, na nde magawa ng katawan ko.
sabi nga, da mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

pero if anger can make me strong, den im furiously mad!

syet! nararamdaman ko na, napupunit ang damit ko!

anger=strength
strength=power
power=influence
influence=world domination!

hay grabe! praning na ko!
nde na talaga ako uli magdadrugs, promise

Mr. Suave

one of the songs that perks me and my co-web crews up
specially during afternoon dullness.
as in we sing along with it ha.
so funny! then we do our own robotic dance steps
as we sing the chorus line, hoy hoy hoy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Suave by Parokya Ni Edgar

Nasa ulap ba ang iyong mga mata?
Mukhang malayo ang iyong pagtingala
Pakay ko lamang na ika'y pangitiin
Ito’y aking lambing

Subok na ang aking pag-ibig
Ikaw lamang sa buong daigdig
Tumitibok na puso ko’y dinggin
Sumama ka na sa'kin

Chorus:
Ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Habulin ng babae
Araw man o gabi
Oo ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Hayup kung dumiskarte
Wala silang masabi

Kaya't H'wag ka nang malungkot
Problem'y ibaon sa limot
Pagkat nandito lang ako umiibig sa 'yo
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)

At kung kailangan na ika’y paligayahin
H’wag mag-alinlangan na ika'y lumapit sa akin
Hatid sa atin ng swabe kong bigote
Ang smooth na smooth na kiliti

Pagkat ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Habulin ng babae
Araw man o gabi
Oo Ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Hayup kung dumiskarte
Grabe na sa swabe

Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
(to fade)

a dream work scenario

i have been terribly busy,
that i simply have little time for work.

i've been heavily texting and being texted by friends.
i have been receiving private messages that i just have to reply immediately.
yahoo friends go online and chats with me, who am i to resist?
my ofcmates invite me take a break, to eat outside, to have a puff or just to gossip
in the spirit of camaraderie, i just have to follow.
i receive phonecalls that requires me to leave my workstation and address my friends' inquiries
i hear mr. swabe's song from my seatmate's speaker, and have to surf for its lyrics to sing along
then there's spam email on letter to trillanes that urges me to react and express my politcal views in detail.
oh! i'm loooking pale, got to go to the restroom to retouch.
my back's aching, time for some stretching.

by the end of the day, i feel soooo tired that i can no longer work.
and there's traffic to consider, so got to rush!
but before i dash, have to update my blog!

there, now i can go home, because i have been busy and tired.
need to sleep early, for another day of work tomorrow.

****wishful thinking!
****ofcourse this is contrary from what i actually experience as a proletariat.

love at the backseat

im back in manila! yipee!
1 wk lang sya, pero it seemed forever!
ramdam ng prepaid load ko! kasi ambilis naubos!

and timing of all timing, kung kelan ako wala sa manila,
saka dami nagyayaya ng gimik!
ironic talaga.

eto namang anecdote na to, comical.
kung ito one-act play, ang title ko dito,
"love at the backseat"

on my way back to our house, ung cab driver n nasakyan ko
is very opinionated saka cute and macho! so forgiveable na.
we discussed and debated on politics, the govt reform,
brought about by the recent mutiny.
saka we compared the way Duterte is running Davao versus the manila exp.
then we also touched on religions, even lovelife!
he disclosed his hosto adventures and his family affair.
ako naman rants abt my exes and my work.
mega-advice! ambait nya. sigh.
grabe! close na kme! as in. may paapir-apir pa.
mega offer ko naman ung takeout food ko from a jap resto.

this guy is well read! so kahit sobrang layo ng byahe to
my house, ok lang, kasi mejo nabitin pa nga kme sa discussion e.
isa itong intellectual discourse! na wish ko lang, nasamahan ng physical! hahahaha!

mahal ko n yata sya! lol!
kala ko rin, may puwang na ko s puso nya e.
kaso nung nde binalik ang sukli kong 20 pesos sa 200pesoses ko, ai!
lost! biglang natunaw ng init ng katanghaliang araw ang aming 'chuva'.
sa halagang 20-pesoses lang pala.

ohwell.