my coming out story

in my Diaspora post last year, i shared that my family's shrinking. not because we have midget genes, *ehem, 5'6 ang bunso namin* but because my sisters are leaving.

last dec.28, my sister from US arrived with her fil-am kids. i was meaning to come out to her first because first, her American sister-in-law is a lesbian lawyer with a partner of, gasp! 20yrs!. second, she's the most liberated among us. i think she's seen it all but my being gay. and third, two years ago, in her high school reunion, we learned with shock from her fb pix that she mostly had butch friends then. when we asked her of it, she simply said, "e medyo totomboy tomboy ako nung high school." mygawd! and we didnt have the tiniest clue of her dark past. haha. i guess gay secrets run in our blood too. i then planned to come out next to my sister who's going to migrate to Italy in the summer.

attempt #1
we were slouching on my bed, talking about various stuff while waiting for a sister to finish in the cr. since she's into lace and sexy stuff, i decided to give her the hides-nothing lingerie given to me by a friend from this blog. i would have kept it had it not been one size bigger. anyhoo, i started,

fw: this lingerie, it's a gift to me by a fan.
US sis: fan?
fw: oo, madami akong fans *not looking at her*
US sis: fan saan?
fw: sa blog.
US sis: give me the link, para may mabasa naman ako.
fw: err, *tension building on my throat* secret sya e.
US sis: *gave me the puzzled look*
fw: basta.

my other sister suddenly opened the door with a bang and announced, "am done, cr is free." US sis quickly stood up and left. and i was left hanging, cussing to myself for being such a coward.

attempt #2
last day of 2011, i asked my US sis and Italy sis to go out malling. i was imagining us three in a resto, the two of them on one side and i opposite them as i do the big reveal over pasta and wine. what happened was, US sis went to the salon to get her hair done, Italy sis to the other end of the mall to find kiddie clothes. and i was left in the middle, my cloud of a plan pffft! i just went shopping for clothes. when both sisters finally finished, i urged them that we eat, even though my tummy's full with tension already.

as we were eating, i kept practicing in my head what i will say -


am glad the three of us are together like this. it's been a while. *getting teary eyed* you two being the eldest of my sisters, i want to tell you something important. you see, *drumroll* i have come to fall for ... women. i did not plan for this. but i realized that i am happiest with women. i hope you don't think differently or lowly of me because i love you both...

with each bite and gulp, i stared at them looking for the perfect timing. they shared stories, kwentos of our childhood, laughter, picture taking here and there. i just laughed and nodded with them, the stories not really sinking in because i have a different story brewing in my mind. i look at them and they were happy, not a clue how uneasy i was in my seat. my nervousness eating away the words i wanted to tell them. i wasn't able to enjoy the food i paid for. i was quiet on our way home. partly mad at myself for another wasted opportunity.  why is it so hard?

attempt #3
first week of January, a promo fare to Italy was released. it will save my sister around P70k. the catch is, the flight is Jan. 14!!! it's barely two-weeks preparation for a migration!

Jan.6 i asked US and Italy sisters for us to spa. US sis went to a party with friends. Italy sis was tired. And i am in panic. hay.

Jan. 7,  I said to Italy sis that we go ahead with the spa sans US sis. I got home early, went to my room, texted her that she just wake me up once she's ready to spa. I woke up 10ish and went to her, but she's already asleep. :( The next day I asked her what happened. she said she was too tired already. :(( 

attempt #4
Jan. 8, Italy sis left to go to her home already to start prepping. :( US sis flew to Cebu and will come back Feb already. 

outlook is getting bleak. sigh.


Jan. 9-10 i texted Italy sis frequently, almost begging for a spa. she finally agreed! :) She said she has some errands in Manila and we can spa after.

Jan. 11 night, we went to Wensha. did the shower, jacuzzi, sauna, massage and then finally the shabu shabu dinner. i figured we'd be soo relaxed that coming out would just steam off from me like vapor. an hour later, no steam still other than that from the stew. each food i bite felt like a boulder being trapped in my throat. i felt soo heavy and my chest congested. totally not relaxed. dinner ended and still nothing. *frantic*

we took a cab. tension reached my head and it's pulsating, screaming, "JUST LET IT OUT!!!*

dang! no traffic. just when you want to slow down the ride. past the mall, it's just 10min away from our house. my heart felt like it's about to jump out of my chest and just strangle me for my stupidity.

5min away from home, left with no time and choice, i finally faced her.

fw: since aalis na kayo and five years ka pa makakabalik, may gusto sana akong sabihin sa yo.
Italy sis: *looking worried* ano yon?
fw: uhm, *pause* nagkaroon na ko ng relationships sa babae.
*fireworks! it's like new year's eve all over again*
Italy sis: babae?
fw: yes.*long explanation of lack of men to admire beginning with my father, relatives, the ex-bfs*

Italy sis: tama ka dyan.
..
..
..

*walking to our house *

Italy sis: hindi ka na ba magkakagusto sa lalake?

fw: i dunno. i fall for the person, not the gender. i am not closing my doors, but it is something i don't see or feel now.

****

at past 12mn on Jan.12, 2012, after several failed attempts, i finally came out to one of my sisters. what joyful and defining moment when she said, "ang mas mahalaga ang happiness mo."