eksenang ulan

It ended with a rain scene. All the episodes of Modern Love Season 1 tied nicely together by getting rained on under the same NY sky. Too nicely though in my opinion. Alam mo naman tayo, romantic pero jaded din. 

The last time I was drenched by rain, fully clothed, out in public street, was in college. My heart was broken. My boyfriend of two years (pre-g2g), cheated on me and we broke up. Walang drama. I gave back my copy of his apartment key and left. 

When the sky stormed days after though, it was like my cue to let all the tears out and have them hide with the rain. While people were rushing for cover or have their umbrellas, ako ay parang baliw na mindlessly walking in the rain, crying my heart out. There was pain. There was numbness. Mapride pa rin e. Parang I needed that cleansing ba to move on. It wasn't immediate as I would have hoped for because our org's tambayan are across each other. But these on-your-face situations and difficult experiences toughen you.

Ang ganda ng love story namin.We met sa bundok, mountain climbing. Ang intense din ng pagmamahalan. Masaya, ang daming adventures and tbh, may mga personal demons to deal with din. College time e. Ang daming pagkilala sa sarili na nagaganap. 

Years later when I commented on a common friend's post, he pm'd me in socmed. I did not feel anything at all. Totally no curiosity on what happened to him after we last spoke. I ignored his message and never looked back. 

Mukhang effective ang broken heart cleansing sa ulan.=) 

Rain 

here it goes...

am happy =)
shocking i know! hahaha. maybe am saying this because i just had orgasm. hahaha again. seriously i did. and seriously i am happy. :)

amid the looming Taal volcano eruption, the panic, chaos it brings, i dare found some peace. so much that it sounds blasphemous to share am happy and at peace with suffering everywhere.

my feng shui for year of the rat warned of a not so lucky year ahead. the optimist in me is worried. tsk. yes, am still your same firewomyn full with conflict. hehe.

but it also said this is the time to meet people. seems awesome except for one tiny bit of a problem. i work from home. *scratches head* in between work i do house chores and never ending errands.because #adulting. am also not active in socmed, unless there's yet again a DDS relative I need to unfollow.

... but then one innocent looking, seemingly usual tuesday, i got a message from an ex-colleague inviting me to their masters class to be a panelist for their blockchain project (tech stuff). wow! am floored to be invited bec it's an intl school and i love the topic. after some pakipot questions (kunwari pinag-iisipan ko pa. :D), i agreed.

... and then another seemingly innocent, usual looking wednesday, a g2g friend from UP posted in our UP group (which I already muted long time ago). but on that fateful day of procrastination from hectic work, i checked messenger. she and her small group of gang are asking help/support for their Taal eruption victims relief operations.

this g2g UP friend is a very good friend of mine. but she's often overseas on her research projects as a sought after consultant (flex ko lang. hihi) so we usually hang once a year at best.

alam nyo naman ako, marupok ako sa mga nangangailangan. i have a hero mentality kyeme. so pm'd her immediately. got the details and did my own active plea for help to my network.

this relief ops is within the 14km danger zone. crazy yes. but after weighing in the pros and cons and after falling deaf to gf's warning and disapproving stance * sorry, am a bad gf =( * was still adamant to do it. * i love you gf! lookie, i made it back to you safe and sound =) *

by early morning of seeking donations, i was physically exhausted but soul's all fired up. in short, gising pa diwa ko. by this time it suddenly struck me that the delivery of goods to the evacuation site is same time and day as my panel duties at the intl school. *aghast!* fuck.

now here's a truly torn-between-2-lovers moment. i equally love both. both give me kilig to do. and both opportunities (sorry lack of a better term) don't happen often. you know you've just been working at home/living uneventfully for months and then this! come on universe! why tear me this way?!

up to the day before the events, i was bent on making both happen. am not the person to just settle or give up. am made for tight deadlines and delivering impossible projects! thought bubble: my relief ops group can go ahead then i will do the blockchain thing, right after will dash to the bus terminal and go to Batangas. 

and so i said to myself. but adulting of late has taught me of balance. at least aiming for it.

the same way no two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, i cannot defy the law of physics. i can attempt of course, but will surely fail at one.

opo. i matured. aging does that to you eventually. :) i carefully thought of it. became honest to myself and asked myself. which between the two, if i didn't do, i will regret for the rest of my life? *andrama!*

a masters class of 50 vs 500+ people of evacuees? the math is clear. and more importantly, my heart is crystal clear.

spoke to my ex-colleague. he understands. =)

at that point, spotify randomly played me this song.

"Suddenly I See"

thank you universe! i love you! *akap to all*

Suddenly I See (lyrics)

KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging…

tulala sa isang tabi

another gusto-ko-na-maggive up-day. sobrang sakit ng likod ko sa pagod. hay. ano ba tong pinasok kong trabaho. sobrang busy na hindi ka na magkandaugaga, skipped lunch and people breathing at your neck or wants a piece of you. pakiramdam ko paminta ako sa pagkadurog at sabog sabog na sa dami ng taong dapat pagsilbihan or iplease. ito ba ang reward ng may masters education from an international uni? hindi sya nakakaganda ha. wala man lang akong time magretouch ng makeup ko.

madaming taon na pero ganito pa rin ang drama ko sa buhay. malaki po ang financial reward. pero parang kulang pa pang-therapy sa trauma or long term toll sa maganda kong katawan.  dito na pumapasok yung, may pera ka nga, pero hindi ka naman masaya. kasi hindi ka malaya. mahal lang bayad sa yo pero parang alila pa rin pakiramdam.

nagbasa ako ng a few past posts and ang sintimyento ko sa buhay, halos ganun pa rin. english lang pagkaka-express ko before. ganito naman talaga siguro halos lahat nga buhay empleyado.

napapaisip ako, bakit ko ba to tinotolerate. gipit na gipit pa rin ba? hindi naman masyado. pero pinangarap ko makapagtrabaho sa ibang bansa. eto na yun e. katuparan ng pangarap kumbaga. pero bakit ganun? sa sobrang kapaguran ko wala akong maramdamang satisfaction or achievement. wait, let me correct that. wala akong maramdaman kundi pagod at sakit ng katawan.

ndi rin ok na achiever, dedicated, hardworking, success driven. kasi ang tendency is prove them all wrong na kaya mong ma-achieve kahit ano challenges ibigay sa yo.

i think dapat din matutunan ang tinatawag na limit. hindi sya kahinaan. isa syang powerful tool, being aware of how much BS, crap you can reasonably accept without losing your sanity, without feeling depleted, without losing your joy.

in the spirit of marie kondo's what sparks joy, i can say, working this much and making unreasonable customers happy most definitely do not in any way spark even a thread of joy.

i listened to motivational videos. sabi nila you are what you think. so i tried not to acknowledge the pain, sadness, loneliness, dissatisfaction, heartbreak which burns every aching muscle. pero andun na ko sa point na hirap na i-mind over matter ang kalokohang toh.

baka magbasag na lang ako ng laptop dito sa office pag patuloy ko pa iinternalize tong feelings na to and hindi ko iprocess thru expression.

iniisip ko nga, kailangan ko magrelax, mag-enjoy. pero nothing comes to mind really other than ihiga ang sumusukong katawan. wala akong ganang kumain. seryosong gusto ko na lang tumulala sa room window ko mamaya pag uwi at alam ko na dadaloy na lang ang luha. syempre hindi naman pdeng magpaka-vulnerable sa office. ayoko rin namn maglasing kasi naga-acidic stomach ko sa alcohol.

actually mej naiiyak na ko while sharing these stuff. kasi as i write these i realize my mistakes, my situation which one way or another, i brought upon myself din naman.

so malamang, nasa akin din ang sagot pano makalaya at lumigaya. pero bago yan, kailangan munang umuwi ng bahay at magpahinga for more buntung hininga. haaayyyy...

sleepless in somewhere

tao po! :)
siguro wala nang tao dito. well, what can i expect, 3+ years ba namang ndi mag-update tapos last post may word na demon pa. hehehe. nakaka-off nga naman. the same way na if may dyowa ka and nag-MIA (missing in action) for years, babalikan mo pa ba?

i sorta abandoned this blog ever since i took some serious life decisions.  i feel awful. parang nahihiya na kong magsulat/blog after not doing it for so long. parang pakiramdam ko wala na kong mukhang maihaharap sa blog ko and lalo kung sa sinumang naliligaw pa dito. maski yata multo wala na e. hehehe.

ang totoo, sobrang pagod ko today. tired to the bone marrow and yet hindi makatulog. ayoko sanang ganito ang major comeback of the prodigal fireowomyn e. pero wala e. the same way na the prodigal daughter returned kasi wala nang choice.

well konting background, natapos ko na sa wakas ang postgrad studies ko aboard. sinwerte na nagbunga ang kawalan ko ng social life or buhay in general ng graduation with honors. naks! akalain mo yun. masaya. i was able to travel, work ng parang walang bukas. magka-depression sa sobrang hirap pagsabayin. natutong mag-keto diet for added mental acuity.

so yun nga, natapos na ang postgrad chapter ng buhay ko. bilang ganti, nagkatrabaho sa ibang bansa. opo ofw po ako sa kasalukuyan. nahirapan sa maginaw na klima kaya dinaig ang ahas sa mistulang molting ng skin, ultimo anit ko nagshed din (in short nagkadandruff ako. yuck i know). syempre nagkasakit din at ndi agad naka-adjust.

mej ok na ko sa new environment ko. ewan ko ba sa bansang to, seryosong nafeel ko ang urge na maglabas ng cleavage kahit ndi naman kalakihan boobs ko. hehehe. dito ko rin natutunan wag mag-bra at gumamit na lang ng silicon nipple cover. nakapakaliberating ng pakiramdam. there is something here in this country na i feel more woman kahit puro naman lalaki katrabaho ko bilang trabahong male-dominated ang industry na ginagalawan ko. madalas sa conference room ako lang babae.

minsang nag-mini skirt ako, nyemas, ndi makatingin sa akin ng diretso mga ka-team ko at sa waist down bumababa ang tingin. hindi sila nahihiyang magstare.

kumpara sa pilipinas kong mahal, mas onti tao and far apart ang mga buildings, bagay bagay. kailangan nagdadrive. kinaya naman ng powers ko ang mga iyan.

pero mga busy din ang mga tao, after work may kanya kanya nang buhay karamihan. or baka naman ang totoo ayaw nila ko katropa. ewan ko.

may isa akong naging kaibigan dito na taga-pinas na matagal nang dito nakatira. kaso lalake. walang choice, kasi matyaga naman syang punta-puntahan ako, at ipasyal. pero nararamdaman ko na bet nya ko kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na lesbian ako at may gf na. siguro kasi asa malayo kaya feeling nya walang bearing. mabait naman. kaso naiilang ako sa mga pahaging na i dreamt of you, ang seksi mo, ang cute mo, kinwento na ko sa nanay nya at ininvite ako ng nanay nya sa birthday. whatthe. walang ganyanan pre.

so ayun na nga, wala ako makausap ng buhay buhay dito. alam nyo naman ako, nabubuhay dugo ko sa mga kwentong pag-ibig at buhay buhay. saka mga labas labas para gumimik.

mahirap. pero i enjoy living here na rin. kaso pareho ng  napakaraming kwentong ofw, may tamang lungkot din sya. naubos ko na nga panoorin American Idol youtube videos e. ndi naman ako mahilig sa tv. naghanap ako ng lesbian activities near me, puro speed dating lumabas! halos 3x a week yata sked and week days ha. mahirap sumideline ng gimik pag work day e. sayang. siguro minsan icheck ko ano ganap sa mga ganun. pero ndi muna sa ngayon.


salamat sa blog na to na tunay na maaasahang hingangan ng saloobin. gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. kasi parang may kakwentuhan na rin habang tuloy tuloy ko lang sinusulat lahat ng maiisip at mararamdaman ko. no judgement kahit wala nang sense ang sinasabi ko. da best! no filter outpouring.

madami nagsasabi ndi na raw uso ang blog. howell papel. dedma sa uso. basta ang blog ko ay para sa puso ko. para sa virtual self-talk, unloading ng nagpapabigat sa dibdib, nagpapalungkot sa damdamin at nagpapayapa sa isipan ko.

salamat sa yo firewomyn blog. kasi binigyan mo ako ng space. ngayon pa lang i feel better na.

since i dunno really if there's anyone i can still talk to within the blog like may reader pa ba to, i will just write for myself for my firewomyn self.


dahil gumaan na pakiramdam, inaantok na rin sa wakas. kulang na naman tulog ko nito. magmamadaling magprepare for work, mabilisang ligo at ayos, no breakfast at sa ofc na magkape, then meetings na sandamakmak. loop. pero this time, feeling better and excited kasi i can kwento again tomorrow. =)

hanggang sa muli!

demons

because (andami kong because sa simula ng posts no? hehehe) may pinagdadaanan ako, i need a theme song. sabi nila this is the age of abundance specially in information and opinion. pwes ako abundance in emotions and trials.

"Demons"

by Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood's run stale

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

At the curtain's call

It's the last of all

When the lights fade out

All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave

And the masquerade

Will come calling out

At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down

But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you

Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

i wana hide the truth - kasi sa sobrang apaw ng stress ko gusto ko nang magsumbong sa fb. ilabas ang gusto nang sumabog na damdamin. but then i always stop myself. my network includes my boss, my colleagues, admirers (naks!), family who look up to me. i don't want to be a source of negativity. i want to as much as possible inspire and help people. pero sabi nga sa airplane advisory, save yourself first (oxygen mask) before others. 

that's why i had go back to this safe place. this blog. i actually forgot the password already! had to recover it to be able to post.

kung anak ang blog, isa na akong pabayang ina!:(

from hell

because am going nuts lately. at first i thought of creating a new blog, just for rants. but then, that'll take time to set up. and i needed to vent already.

just a quick recap so you know am not ignoring you guys.

i accepted a job offer that practically consumed most of my days and nights. i didn't realize i was exchanging my soul when i took that offer from hell. true it got me promoted, awarded, but it cost me my life and my health. that's when i started blogging less. i just only have energy for sleeping.

so i did that gig for two years then moved to a different job that's supposed to be less demanding but this a-hole boss decided to add 3 unrelated roles on top of my official post. it satisfied the superwomyn in me, but again, it cost me life deprivation once again.

i started post grad last year so that plus work up to my forehead, things went from crazy to really insanely wild. like i had 3 days of no sleep, surviving on caffeine and adrenaline because of piling deadlines. so it led to hyperacidity, flying temper, chest pains, tummy flabs, layers of eye bags, stress eating, skin breakout, didn't see my friends in a long while, and zero sex with gf. the only saving grace is that my gf never left me throughout that time. even though we rarely see each other anymore.

am on year 2 with post grad  and the deadlines are getting tougher. so things are not settling. then the boss of my boss last month decided to make the completion date our our project two months early! and add scope to another project. something i carefully planned and managed suddenly became haywire and i was working everyday again, morning and evening. breaking compliance on processes, daily conference calls to restrategize and come up with a solution to mission impossible. i crossed lines with some people, violated some processes, pushed and screamed at so many consultants already and have gained enemies. some got scared of me (people of higher position than mine) just by my emails, which to me was just a straightforward email, not an angry one. but i guess that's the scary part. because angry had been my new normal. it's really chaotic to a point i want to resign and already have existential crisis.

when you are so exhausted already, you suddenly ask yourself. why the hell am i doing this, killing myself, all for what? for the bonus of the powers that be and also for me to get trickled down with some leftover bonus? have i come to that? hindi naman ako G na G as they say (gipit na gipit). but they know the right buttons to press. i am a very committed person even on challenging situations. i enjoy problem solving and making impossible, possible.

so the moral of my story or rather  rant? *epiphany* tangina naman! i brought this upon myself. ouch! that hurt! it is easy to blame my jerk of a boss and his prick of a boss, but then i suck it all in and now am turning blue and suffocating.

that's sad no? hay buhay. parang easy, but then i make it difficult by always wanting to prove i can make things happen.

pwede naman i just be lazy and say can't be done. but no! am like a soldier, a genie minus the power gleefully saying your wish is my command. slave mentality. again. i never learn.

hay uli. yan muna at kailangan ko munang mag-isip. yep, about work. fml.

hello

soo sleepy. been very hectic. work, postgrad, loads of errands. plus late night catch ups on AlDub. yeah, am a fan :) universal appeal of kilig and romance. i'd take that anytime. hehe. am easy that way. i came out to my new boss and he was cool with it. so much he admitted to having slept with a trans before and doesn't mind it at all. we're getting along well. yey! speaking of which, a friend/colleague before of mine just fully transitioned to womanhood! wow! she just completed this a couple of weeks ago at Thailand. soo happy for her. she looks more gorgeous than many of my female friends actually. more so now. a lez staff of mine resigned bec she fell for me. did i mention she has  a gf of many years? more kwento about that in the future.

gf is overseas  currently for her  work. my business trip this week got cancelled. so am suddenly left with available time which sounds alien to me. where to last minute go when many local airlines' flights got cancelled? i  asked around and many can't go with me. it seems as i got busier, so did my friends. or maybe many of them have moved on to be with other circles. the good thing is am also okay being alone. i enjoy observing strangers anyway. but company will always be nice :)

okay, after that short rambling, am still sleepy though less than earlier. and it feels like i am practicing writing. it feels effortful to write. year-long writing academic papers for school have made writing less fun. it's stressful! hopefully i get better and more efficient with this school thing.

am  also on the look out for a new job. work has been frustrating and makes me feel like rotting. i realized it's a mismatch. but getting a new job isn't as easy before. or maybe am just impatient. i just started applying again two weeks ago. so far no call back. boo-hoo! so yeah i need this break. to just rest and wander and recharge too. sana pwedeng matulog tapos pag gising ko December na para masaya :)

... still sleepy... zzz...

anyone?

hi zebra!

I was caged in chains up to my eyeballs with work and so I wasn’t able to watch live the Oscar telecast. By the time I got home, too spent to even brush my teeth, I can only search youtube for the speeches. I of course started with the supporting actors because I save the best for last, the main actors.

Best Supporting Actor, J.K. Simmons - couldn't relate to his speech but the call your parents thing is good.

Best Supporting Actress, Patricia Arquette - she's okay, but kinda emotionless for me as she read her speech, yada yada, equal pay for women.

Best Actor, Eddie Redmayne - touching because he was emotional with his surprise of the win. And I love his accent btw. :)

Best Actress, Julianne Moore - I hoped she win this time because she's been nominated infinitum, plus I've seen Still Alice and cried a lot, worried for my own future should I have Alzheimer. Whenever I forget small stuff, I kid gf to remind me if I am being progressively forgetful, because you know, Alzheimer. And she would just laugh at me.

Then nothing left to check, the Graham Moore guy appeared on the feed and so being trigger happy, clicked away.

Best Adapted Screenplay, Graham Moore -

"When I was 16 years old,I tried to kill myself because I felt weird and I felt different and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here and so I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere. Yes, you do. I promise you do. You do. Stay weird, stay different. And then when it's your turn and you're standing on this stage, please pass the same message to the next person who comes along." - Graham Moore, Oscar's 2015 Best Adapted Screenplay for The Imitation Game

can fast fwd to 2:44

His speech is a hugot level for me. I always felt am weird and different, since childhood and now all grown up because am a lesbian. In my early years at work, girls hated me because am close with guys, effortlessly. I just can relate to them more, even though am not that boyish. I can fare well with them in drinking, jokes, work, games, hiking. So much that one of the guys when he got married to one of our co-workers, in their honeymoon, compared me to his new wife. And that just upped the female hatred directed towards me. I have comfortably come out to my guy friends. And they are supportive. So I love them equally. Suck that bitches, because am your lesbian-very-much-loved-by-guys.

At this point in my life, I just don’t care that much anymore with what people think so long as I kick ass at work. And am happy with myself. While most women at the office suffer in high heels wanting to look taller, fashionable, I decided this year to just wear oxfords, and all white tops. I don’t care about color combination and   just wear what's easy for me. While many strive and spend for long  straight hair, I had mine burst into curls. Shocker, but I feel better now. Low maintenance, almost wash and wear. :)

I am weird, but in a sexy, fierce kind of weird. And I take pride in being different   because that's who I am. No apologies. I'm also full of mistakes, judgmental, with my own prejudices. 

And since I am a biased person, I naturally assumed Graham is gay. But reading more, he clarified he doesn’t identify as gay. Well, too bad for us lgbt, but hey, so long as he continues to be talented and give us the good stuff, am one  happy lesbian. :) 

His speech  was more for those suffering  in depression. I remember  from my past self based on my many posts, how sad of a person I am. So still resonates with me.

When in the past we are embarrassed for being different, individuality, weirdness should in fact be celebrated! And whatever it is that makes us different or simply us. We are all zebras, fingerprints, unique!

I know it is scary shit to stick out like a neon light at night or to be the only one raising your hand. But that is okay. Scary feeling is  natural, human. Marvel in it and do scary things. You'll be surprised how thrilling or unscary it turns out to be.

I'd rather be  scared and confirmed wrong, than endlessly wondering what-if as my last name.

So no  need for drama please and that ugly suicide/self torture. Let's stay different, stay weird together, and let us celebrate! I am a testimonial that being different is magnificent! :)

And hey, I am here for you if you need a weirdo to talk to :)

****

I said I must write something about this no matter how busy I am. so there. a promise is a promise to myself. 'hopefully more kwento again soon. =)

word

Image source here: http://40.media.tumblr.com/6b35f2a427525c3679f77021f56a91a1/tumblr_ncezwhSL3b1rmagk1o1_500.jpg

word

piece 4

i grew up independent, not needing anyone but mostly needed. i have learned not to hold on to things or anyone for i don’t know if they will leave or stay. if they stay, unsure for how long. so it is easier not to hang on to things or expect permanence. nothing lasts forever so the jaded say. but unless you believe in life after death, then yeah, there’s only now. 

and in this many nows I've stringed upon like a necklace, i have met many persons including myself. i thumb to one of these persons and memories drip like dangling earrings with sparkling clarity and at times studded jolts.  

pain i know too well, that laid brick after brick of wall built so high, i couldn't even see myself. i am guarded. even from myself. 

like i spoke of so many wants, unedited because my mind will catch up soon and filter it using the micro mesh of what’s realistic and workable with my situation. 

what is the purpose of dreaming then? of thoughts in adrenaline rush only to be  barred at one stop or to evaporate under scorching heat? 

maybe to give a now that’s both creative and free? to replace one brick from the fortress I've built one after the other. maybe if i  just give in without care or hate, then i can permeate the wall and can run free barefooted to anywhere and be excited to the possibilities. 

i’ll jump at the first sight of deep water and just plunge. cut through the icy water and push through until i can no longer breathe or kick. that would be liberating yeah? but can also be fatal.

but come to think of it, we only truly know things through their opposite. so what is life if not knowing the boundaries?

*** i think am getting the hang of this macbook. yey! ***

piece 3

i want to do so many things. i’ll be a student again this Q2 for my post graduate, i want to do investing and business, i want to learn a third language, i want to do photography, travel, go out and just observe to take pictures and write. i want to quit job and commit to social work. i want to read until my eyes turn red and then dream about them and then think about them the moment i wake up. i want to have a sport and have kickass abs. i want to take dancing hip hop and pole dancing and fly with the sound of my whipping sweat. i want to get a big dog like a labrador and walk with him on weekends and take haircuts together. i want to have an indoor tree in my house and i want to have a garden. i want to buy an anti-flood car so that if i go ahead on a typhoon day, i wouldn't be caught on cam saying “I wasn't informed.” i want to elevate my macbook skills to ninja level so that i can write more often without having my written pieces suddenly get deleted for clicking a key that’s not a copy function. i want to paint some more and get drunk until i end up kissing who am with in drunken stupor. i want to stop attending endless meetings that suck the life out of me. i want to let this out while it is overwhelming me. i want to be no slave of time and just be one with my spontaneous self. i want to be. and i want this want to consume me so bad that i’ll spring jump to doing them the second i stop typing. 

*** exercise on writing non stop on whatever comes to mind, without edit.***

piece 1

today is the first day of my new life. and i will treat each day like a newborn's every milestone - a miracle.

yesterday, i slept when i got sleepy and woke up. not because i had to, but because my eyes were ready. with this new eyes i realised that this new year's eve tradition of costly noise and massive pollution is like a bride's/groom's bachelorette/bachelor party. the last dirty/naughty act before the straight life.

when i woke up today, which was afternoon already *i lost sense of time and day since holiday vacation started* it was raining. i felt sad. because i couldn't go out. as i sulk and suck it all in, my tongue caught the air and it tasted sweet, a bit cold, and clean. that made me feel better. rain was needed to start the year cleansed.

so for this year, in the mold of resolutions, but not quite, i will buy less and create more. i won't buy the crap of what many people say no matter if they are of authority or of influence. it is so easy to ride on popular opinion and not think further or differently. opinion is cheap. wait, let me correct that. opinion is free. and it can go from senseless to baseless, insightful to inspirational.

creation is becoming a mother all over again. out of cerebral intercourse or pregnant pause. think of topics you've never thought of. create out of your imagination, deliver through your hands and raise from the desire of your good heart.

i'd like to write. because sharing just wells from me. as thoughts race in my head, my hands refuse to be idle. i'd like to speak. because my emotions need a tunnel to pass through and tongue fight in between. i'd like to read. because i need to learn. at how gifted people are. and experience from other people's experience.

and i'd also like to say thank you. for this space among other spaces in the whole wide outer space. because this space is free. and it frees me. the thoughts that escape me leave thought-prints here. and it makes me remember pieces of me.

i am whole. with so many changing pieces. not because i am broken patched together. but because i continue to be re/created. and that makes you part of my process. :)

happy day 1! =)

image source here.

my hot siren

my relationship with coffee goes a loong way back. as a kid, i already drink coffee. unhealthy yes, affordable, big yes! :) i would pair hot instant coffee with pandesal. sometimes when available i put milk powder on my coffee. my inclination for latte apparently started from there. hehe. 

when starbucks started in manila, i was not an instant fan for obvious reason - its incredulous price! ubos pera. and in my quest to better health, i totally stopped drinking coffee and resorted to milo (no sugar). 

when i moved to makati career-wise, i resorted to starbucks for my comfort drink of classic hot chocolate. it didn’t help that the starbucks shop is just beside our office building. one elevator ride, and tadaa! am at starbucks doorstep. hay.

i have this very dear friend whom i fondly call shofatid, who would surprise me at work and sms me that she’s downstairs with some stuff. i’d hurriedly go and see her carrying sandwich and my favourite drink. :) i often miss eating because am very busy. so she knows i need to be fed like that. *she also did the same when i moved to another work*

am not really a heavy coffee drinker. specially when my doctor said that caffeine promotes breast cysts. hello! maliit na nga magkaka-cyst pa di ba?

when i moved to a new work, i was thankful that starbucks/coffee shops are 2 traffic lights away. however, due to the extreme pressure at work, it became a survival trip to go out, get my sniff of polluted air, and have the space outside work to just breathe and regroup. the comfortable distance was, yes, guessed it right. 2 traffic lights away. 

i have without guilt started drinking coffee again. i found my workaround via decaf! i cheat i know. hehe. it doesn’t help that i have an overseas colleague who pampers my decaf indulgence via free drinks. mornings and afternoons! lucky bitch right? :) 

the truth is, i only drink coffee at Starbucks. i have this favourite drink (hot decaf latte vanilla) which only tastes the way i want it in starbucks. i know this for a fact because i ordered the same drink specs in various shops and the  verdict remains - tastes best in starbucks. no. this is not an ad placement or paid piece for starbucks. they just know my taste.

my fave drink was added with another one (caramel macchiato), that which gf frequently orders. which after being together for like forever, i only discovered a few weeks back. true what they say, a lifetime isn’t enough to know a person. so now i piggyback on gf’s coffee order. hehe. 

there was a time gf and i dread going to starbucks. it was there when we broke up years ago. the tears that flowed that day would be enough to fill one tall drink. am glad it’s all over now.

gf and i have frequented starbucks so many times already since then that we only have happy memories from it. 

i have this huge mug gift from my foreigner colleague before which my dad kept using so i thought i’d just give it to him. but then it got chipped then in time pulverised so to speak. so i bought him this huge coffee mug from starbucks which is favourite mug since then. :) a friend gave me this stainless coffee mug with cover from the same coffee shop which my mom kept using as well, so i ended giving it to her na lang. 

when gf was assigned overseas, one of her pasalubong to me was the starbucks tumbler (?) with the country’s name. so when i went for work overseas, i also gave the same. when i don’t have anything to give for exchange gifts, i’d just dash to the coffee shop and buy a mug. nice and easy. :)

i met a starbucks manager overseas who is a friend of a colleague. close to my birthday in that country, we discussed the starbucks management and why it is very successful in manila compared to their country. as gift she gave me a starbucks shirt. which i haven’t worn yet and can’t remember anymore where i put it. hmmm…

i have a friend who had a plan to surprise a girl by dressing up as starbucks barista and deliver coffee to her. i volunteered my starbucks shirt. :) 

in business mags, I’ve read of starbucks many times and how good their management is. like being the only company to offer the highest free/subsidized tuition support to their employees. wow right? :)

recently, gf and i noticed how well made up and pretty the baristas are in general at starbucks. in this mall where we frequent, the pretty barista is preggy. so when i went to this other starbucks shop from another location and noticed the bump on yet another cute barista, i asked if makeup is part of their training. and she said it’s considered part of their uniform. whoa! how interesting and creative. that is what i pride with manila baristas compared to other countries i’ve been to. we look way better. feeling close, i further said that many baristas i see lately are preggy, looking at her bump. and she said, err, am not preggy. whoopsie! whattabooboo! i profusely apologised for being so stupid. i don’t want to die of starvation should they ban me from starbucks. i know she got offended in one tiny split second, but just said it must be her apron with her IDs, keys bulging underneath. good thing she took it like a customer service pro. hay. mental note to NEVER comment to any girl that she’s preggy no matter how big the tummy is. 

yesterday, gf and i met at starbucks to do some work. she was using her iPad, and i my macbook, facing each other. across me was the transparent glass wall of starbucks where an elevator was located. an old foreigner guy, looking like  ian mckellen was mouthing something, not wanting to stare, i just bowed down and worked on my laptop. gf sat beside me to check on my work (editing her work), she then said that guy just said muy guapa to you. i just gave gf the look. she said, "no kidding, the guy pointed at you, made the gesture to describe your tubas (head scarf) and mouthed muy guapa”. kinda creepy, but katuwa i admit. :)

you can say my relationship with starbucks is longer than that with my gf. :) and so it can’t be that i love something if it doesn’t love or support what i love. 

oct. 29, starbucks launched its first lgbt commercial. =) its ceo has openly declared its support to gay marriage last year. 

but having an ad for us lgbt is extra whip cream, extra drizzle, extra everything to what starbucks already do to its customers, cutting across markets.

thank you Starbucks for recognising the purchasing power of lgbts. for the open support. and for simply having the drinks gf and i love. 

hate of late

hate. let me tell you about it. i used to be a really angry person that stems from growing up deprived, physically hurt (alternately called "disciplined"), and largely misunderstood.

as i got older, i realised how different and inferior my life was compared to many people i've met, specially in school. my standard had always been about material things (new school shoes, uniforms, flashy school supplies, fancy baon/food, etc. the list doesn't end) and the attention received from own parents. as i learn more, it struck me hard that i lacked both. so mahirap ka na nga, hindi ka pa inaasikaso ng magulang mo kasi busy sila sa pagtatrabaho at pag-aaway in between. tapos, pag napansin ka naman, na madalas may hindi ka nagawa like maglinis ng bahay or mag-alaga ng kapatid, palong masakit ng kahit anong mahawakan nila aabutin mo. pero don't worry, natuto na kong umilag hanggat kaya ko, kaya may pagka-action star din ako. hehe.

doon nagsimula ang mga kakaibang pananaw ko sa buhay. like
1. habang ang karamihan ay nawawasak ang mundo sa paghihiwalay ng magulang, ako naman ay matutuwang maghiwalay na lang sila kaysa sa away na lang ng away. magkakasama man kami sa iisang bubong na kinakalawang at tumutulo sa ulan, pero matagal na kaming magkakahiwalay sa damdamin.
2. na hindi ko utang na loob sa magulang ko ang buhay ko. kasi sila ang may gustong magka-anak. hindi ako. hindi ko ginustong istorbohin sa kawalan or pagiging kerubin (yun daw ang pre-fetus/embryo state na kwento noong bata ako) para maging katuparan sa pangarap nilang magka-anak. so para sa akin, sila ang may utang na loob sa akin at obligasyong palakihin ako ng maayos. i, thank you. ito ang foundation kaya pro-choice ako. para sa mga pro-life, subukan nyo munang mabuhay sa hindi prepared na magulang (yung mahirap na nga, hindi pa masaya, hindi pa masyado nakapag-aral tapos poor manners pa and nananakit). saka nyo ijustify ang stand nyo.
3. tama lang ang gumanti. sa dami ng palo/pambabato at pamumura sa kin mula bata ako, balang araw tatanda rin sya at manghihina kaya hindi na nya kami masasaktan. pag nangyari na yun, ikukulong namin sya at hindi aalagaan. dark i know. but that's what i really planned then. on the flipside pde rin namang gumanti ng kabutihan e. hehe. *lusot!*

galit ako sa magulang ko, sa mundo (kahit pa makamundo ako), pero for some reason, hindi ako galit sa Diyos. nagsisimba ako linggo linggo, nagbabasa ng bible minsan. naiintindihan ko ang mga turo sa church, pero hindi ko maramdaman ang Diyos. ang dating sa kin noon ay magkakahiwalay ang bagay bagay. iba ang bahay, paaralan, simbahan. pano ako magagalit sa isang bagay na hindi ko maramdaman? ganyan kasimple ang pag-iisip ko noon.

fast forward, syempre, tumanda na rin ako. at ang magulang ko ay tumanda na rin. kaya hindi na nila kayang mamalo, mahina na rin ang reflex. pero kasabay ng pagtanda ang paglawak at lalim ng pang-unawa. galit pa rin ako as expected. mas expressive pa nga. grabe magmura, magdabog, magwala minsan, maghagis ng gamit. wait! shucks! mukhang kapareho ko na magulang ko ah! nooooooo!!!!!
keep calm and think. okay, wala naman akong physically sinasaktan na ibang tao or animal. whew!

galit ako sa mga bwakanangmutherfockingcrap na taxi drivers everytime hindi ako sinasakay, or pag sinakay ako pero puro mura at reklamo at hingi ng dagdag ang ginawa at marunong pa sa kin sa kung anong ruta gusto kong daanan. magkakakotse din ako balang araw. by then traffic enforcers at kapwa drivers at mga tumatawid sa mali naman ang mumurahin ko. hehe.

galit ako sa pollution kasi madaming lakad ang ginagawa ko papasok sa work at pauwi. kasama na dito ang usok ng sigarilyo sa daan. pawisan na nga, mabaho pa ba ang peg ko pagdating sa office?

galit ako sa araw araw na sakripisyo sa prusisyon ng pila pasakay at paglabas sa tren. may isang brilliant suggestion about trains na nabasa ko sa twitter. bakit daw hindi na lang gawing isang istasyon ang mula Monumento to Taft. pagpasok mo sa tren, lakarin mo na lang sa loob. mas healthy pa daw. hahahaha! sobrang benta sa kin ng comment na to.

galit ako sa sobrang init dulot ng global warming kasi nakakapawis sa labas, nakakahilo, nakakamigraine. then pag umulan naman, galit uli ako kasi maputik, kailangan ng payong (hindi ako nagdadala ng payong), nakakasira ng sapatos, walang kamatayang traffic, at walang katapusang baha, dahil lumulubog ang ka-Maynilaan sa kaunting ulan.

galit ako pag nalelate ang girlfriend ko sa mga usapan or kitaan namin. naman! andaming nagpapakamatay makasama lang ako tapos ikaw malelate lang?! yan ang sinasabi ko sa gf ko. hehe. pero pag ako ang nalelate dapat okay lang.  hehe. selfish ang tawag dyan.

at ang pinakasukdulan, galit na galit ako ng sobra na minsan gusto ko na maglupasay pag poor or walang signal ang wifi. putangnana naman! Globe, pde ba ayusin nyo serbisyo nyo at maayos naman ako magbayad! yes, kund hindi nyo namalayan, wifi is now part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, asa basic needs category sya.

masyado akong nadala ng damdamin ko kaya inhale-exhale muna. yan ang laging payo sa kin ng butihin kong girlfriend.

so when i heard of the recent "hate crime" to jennifer laude, honestly, hindi ko sya agad pinansin. kasi busy ako sa trabaho at sarili kong buhay. sa starbucks nakita ko ang napakalaking picture nya sa banner. uyy chicks! so kinuha ko, then narealize ko, oops, ito pa rin pala ang headline. sensya na, tomboy lang. mahilig sa magaganda. hi jennifer! wherever you are :)

tutal weekend naman at so far mukhang bakante naman, nagbasa-basa na ko finally. this is the issue in pictures.

jennifer is loved. soon to be married with her bf.

jennifer is obviously a hot and attractive woman. madami pa syang sexy pix. kung ako ganun kasexy, baka nag-bold star na lang ako  for a career at hindi nag-opisina. she has a hot bod, no shame in flaunting them. napakanormal lang ng nakabikini. 

the hot jennifer who is also a warm person per reports is now a cold body because she was killed. :(

many people went to the street to protest and seek justice for her murder.

###

according to the reports, it was a hate crime. the police investigation is below.

Manila, Philippines - The killing of Filipino transgender woman Jennifer Laude was a "crime of hatred," according to the investigation report of Olongapo police.

On Saturday, October 11, Laude was found dead at Celzone Lodge in Olongapo City. An earlier police report said her head "was leaning" against the toilet bowl while her "lower body was partially covered with a color cream blanket."

Police said they saw injuries on Laude's neck. An autopsy report later said Laude died due to "asphyxia by drowning." - Rappler

###

MANILA - The murder of transgender woman Jennifer Laude is clearly a case of a hate crime, according to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) group Ladlad.

Speaking to ANC's "Headstart" on Wednesday, Ladlad spokesperson Bemz Benedito expressed disappointment over what she called "blaming the victim syndrome," pertaining to the two motives reportedly being looked at by Philippine authorities in the killing of Laude.

"Lahat ng theory nilabas na nila, pero lahat it's all against the victim," Benedito said.

Laude was found lifeless inside a hotel bathroom in Olongapo City on the night of October 11. Her neck was pressed down on the toilet seat and her head was shoved into the toilet bowl.

One motive being looked into by the police is that the suspect, identified as US Marine Private First Class Joseph Scott Pemberton, got mad after finding out that Laude was a transgender woman.

Another theory is that Laude could have tried to steal from the suspect.

But according to Benedito, it is very unlikely that there was deception on the part of Laude. She said the victim never kept it a secret that she was a transgender woman, and she was also well known in the bar where she and the suspect met.

Benedito believes the suspect was aware that Laude was a transgender woman even before they went to the hotel...

But Benedito stressed that Laude's identity as a transgender woman does not give anyone the "license" to kill her.

The Ladlad spokesperson lamented that the murder of Laude is just one of many cases involving LGBTs because there is no policy in the country that protects them. - ABS-CBN News

###

"Sueselbeck, in a statement posted by a television network on its website, said Laude’s family knew about and had accepted their relationship.

“I know her well. We have talked thousands of hours. Since December 2012, I spent nearly 90 days with her in the Philippines. Jennifer [had] been the most true, hopeful, and life-person I ever met in all my life. She had her childish moments. She was hot-tempered. And her feelings … were always extreme. But she was authentic,” he said.

In the statement, Sueselbeck condemned the brutality of Laude’s death, describing the suspect as “sick” and “bloodthirsty.”

He also lamented that Laude was disrespected. He vouched for Laude’s integrity, saying she was not a thief and not a sex worker.

“I will try my best to get there as soon as I can, to pay the honor and respect to Jennifer as the Rose of Olongapo, the honor and respect she [deserved] but never got from society,” he said." -  German Marc Sueselbeck, Jennifer Laude's boyfriend. - Inquirer.Net

###

In both crime and law, hate crime (also known as bias-motivated crime) is a usually violent, prejudice motivated crime that occurs when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a certain social group. Examples of such groups include but are not limited to: ethnicity, gender identity, language, nationality, physical appearance, religion, or sexual orientation.^[1][2]

"Hate crime" generally refers to criminal acts that are seen to have been motivated by bias against one or more of the types above, or of their derivatives. Incidents may involve physical assault, damage to property, bullying, harassment, verbal abuse or insults, or offensive graffiti or letters (hate mail).^{[3] - Wikipedia}

###

hate crime. for me to grapple this, i had to go back to hate. that's why i started this post of what hate means to me. 

and in the hope to further understand or make sense to hate crime, be fair to the accused too, i tried to imagine what i would feel if say i just learned that i am having sex or just had sex with a man (me, being a lesbian) without me knowing initially he was male. so this is me putting my lesbian self in the army shoes of the accused. 

instant reaction is shock. chill will run down my spine. i'd feel disgusted, will feel betrayed, violated. i'd be mad for the deception. that i might hit the guy, throw things to him, curse him with all the vocabulary available. i'll definitely scream i think. cover my body instantly. and either confront him or scurry off because i don't want to be part of any of what just happened. i can see myself close to vomiting or may really vomit to flush my disgust out of my body. 

can i kill someone due to extreme hatred? i think am not that emotionally illogical unless it is to save my life. males have bigger ego they say and due to hormones, are more physical (ergo, more violent?). so my reaction to an actual man's reaction would differ. but instinct may push me to harm the guy for deceiving me. but not to a point of killing someone. i think cases like that happen in blind rage. we've seen people kill to issues as petty as traffic or to no issue at all, but just they feel like doing it or because they think they can (power trip or high in drugs). 

some of the hate comments in the jennifer laude articles:

"... para sa akin, unang reaksyon ay uupakan mo ng husto!! Aba eh, isipin mo na lang nakipagpalitan ka ng laway sa kapwa mo lalaki.... hindi ba kadiri un!!!"

"... LGBT does not deserve the "discrimination" they get from public. But then, i just find it so disgusting to see gays cross dressing as a woman..Sooo Disgusting.."

if you notice, my reactions were similar to the hate posts had i been the accused (assuming I was deceived). the reaction to deception is somewhat universal, common. up to what extent will one go? how extreme is where the variation is. would you kill? flush someone's head in the toliet bowl until the person dies? file legal charges? seek revenge in other forms? be traumatized?

reading the articles and then some, i learned:

1. so many hate posts in the comments section of the articles. it gives you the hard reality of how primitive the mindsets of some/many people. you'll cringe reading them. not because we are lgbt, but because of how poor/uneducated their arguments are. checking the hate crime coverage, they can be under verbal abuse or insults already.

2. the sex was consummated (2 used condoms). so the accused killer must have known already during the act that the intercourse was with a transgender.  but he struggled emotionally (?) after as what Bemz explained in the article.

3. deception is a BIG, even fatal mistake. specially if you will be intimate, date, have some relation with a different gender (straight, non-trans, etc). time to think about disclosure for lgbt. see related article here.

4. lgbt protest is only on issues affecting us, but silent on other relevant issues or other crimes. there was one feedback that how come they are protesting for the jennifer death, but was mum when the uplb student was raped, when many others died of various causes. 

5. related to #4, there is confusion in the protest cause. there is justice for jennifer and no to VFA.  so some groups are riding in on the incident to push for their cause (one feedback said it's the leftist cause). as there are haters of leftists, the cause for justice on jennifer is being muddled with that. there has to be focus.

6. crime investigators/police force need to be well educated on hate crime to properly distinguish it from any other crime and not make it hate crime when it's lgbt victim. this will add to the cause of lgbt for anti-hate crime if the crimes are correcty categorized and credible.

7. hate crime law is still pending so no protection for us yet if ever. we must be careful and protect ourselves in our own ways. won't hurt bringing pepper spray, veering away from danger signs/places/people, learning self-defense, knowing whatever limited rights we have. 

8. lgbt need visibility on key issues and not just be inclusive. i think some lgbt groups are doing this already, but maybe more, effective presence. 

9. the world needs to know us to accept and love us. the more they understand our stories and the more people are educated about lgbt, the easier for them to integrate us as equal partners in society.

i, thank you. 

and yes, i'm back. =)