I hate it that I'm hesitating.

I love womyn. It's as natural to me as my period. It gives me joy and makes me happy. Womyn excite me. Well, only the hot, cool, confident, intelligent, fun, out of the box kind. I can burst into a song (uhm, probably just a poem, since I have below average singing voice. Haha) just to express my feelings on womyn. I can readily infuse it in my day to day conversations:

I tasted a dessert that's so divinely delicious and I go, "This food is soo good! Wow! I'm soo happy to be gay. I hope they make this dessert in womyn shape."

So why the hell am I not out? But then, if it's so innate, why the need to be out with it huh? *I'm turning schizo here* I think it's more oppressive to be out, because you feel the need to explain to people your sexuality. Why? Do we owe them anything just because we're gay? To officially give the homophobes the signal to lambast gays? Not a chance!

Other gays may feel the need to be out because they've intentionally hidden/denied their gay selves. I have not actually hidden, just not telling, because I don’t like explaining to people unless it's required. I'll confirm if anybody asks. So far, none has a clue or the guts to ask me yet or maybe it just doesn’t matter anymore, which is a feeling close to equal.

They say to be gay and stressing it is redundant. So I think I don’t need to be defensive and just live. Let it radiate from me and simply let go. That should lift a ton of burden. :)

I don’t need to be out. I'm gay, so I'll live my life and by doing so I'm outing myself.


Anonymous said...

i don't also understand why the need to be "out". technically, i am not "out" myself..but my family knows and friends who matter know me and my significant other. one time, a friend asked me why i don't "out" myself to the whole world. i just don't see the point of telling my truth to those who do not matter to me anyway. so, i guess, i am not alone in this kind of thinking..hay, finally..-twistedhalo

p.s. i am a regular reader of your blog..nice that you are updating na. happy new year!

Kim said...

I'm out but never felt the need to explain my preference to other people. This is who I am- I'm a girl who loves women, how hard is that to understand. Besides, it's not like being gay is a choice, a choice that one has to defend or something to that effect (I'm sorry, i get so inarticulate when I'm starving LOL)

firewomyn said...

@Kim - you're far from inarticulate. i agree with you on the choice part. :)

@TwistedHalo - you got it soo right there. "only to those who matter". gee, thanks for regularly reading my blog. realizing that this blog matters to other people makes me inspired to write. i'll try to write as much as i can. cheers!

K said...

Hi. Bagong reader :)

Never bothered with the concept of 'out'. I don't owe anyone an explanation of my life's choices.

But then, I've never bothered with anybody's opinions except nung nag-aaral ako at ayaw kung ma-drop o mabigyan ng 5.0 ng mga titser. Hehe.

Anonymous said...

so much truth in what you wrote. and i can totally relate. im not 'out' as well but im in a 4 year relationship now. and i'm at my happiest when i am with her. i guess the hardest thing for me is having to explain myself and the choices i've made. people take one look at me and assume many things but dare not ask.. often times i wish they would, especially my family. im loving your blog,, by the way. keep writing :)