i often ask myself to a point that i even asked god, why is it so hard? it makes me feel maybe that god has such high confidence in my ability to cope that s/he made my life so challenging (to be politically correct about it). but truth be told, i suffer a lot, inwardly. i just bounce back quick.
i am not tough by choice. i am tough because my survival depends on it. to be weak is an indulgence i can't afford yet. sometimes this toughness scares me because it borders indifference.i don't want to be unfeeling. i want to be involved in the affairs of people, i want to help, i want to share. i want to be less calculated. i want to take risks. i want to care. i want to love. i want to burst.
i've been hurt so many times, that i'm more careful now. i say that not as a good thing because i feel encaged by the lessons learned. i don't feel carefree anymore.
iDon't vs iWant
mahilig naman ako mag-isip so i sort of analyzed my misery. i mostly feel miserable because i don't get what i want. the things i wanted to achieve, acquire, be. you know those things you said you'll achieve at a certain point in your life but haven't yet. aggravated by the fact that based on fb updates, your friends/contemporaries have successfully achieved/gotten the things you aimed for for yourself. left out. left behind. that sucks putsa!
but i realized (just now), that that is linear thinking. plans change or there are sub-branches to those plans. and there are various dimensions to the things we want to achieve. like i may have not gotten to post-grad yet, but i do have an international certification in my field. i may have not have traveled overseas often yet, but i was able to explore the journey of the many women i've met here. i may not be financially rich yet, but man, i am so rich with experience and stories to share. on that alone, i can already burst. :) and who says i can't get the things i wanted? i still can. the question is, are those still the same things i want now? ahh, i love introspection. =)
i find it that it is so instant to feel dissatisfaction, to feel unhappy, to feel incomplete or lacking. why is that? why are we wired that way? bakit mahirap maging masaya at mas madaling malungkot? *e kasi tatlong daan tayong inoppress ng mga kastila. sisihin talaga ang kasaysayan e, hehe*
ako kasi i often compare myself to others which is mainly the source of my insecurity. having lived a life of deficiency, i've developed this inggit (for lack of a better term). but that is a self-defeating battle i can never win. EVER. which i realized too late. andami munang luha ang umagos, bumaha. at sangkatutak na suntok, bugbog sa sarili ang kadramahang naganap before i realized this. we ALL lead/live UNIQUE lives. you cannot compare an apple to a dalandan. they grow from different soil, with different genetic make up, with different season exposure, with different pests/parasites to fight against and different encounters. the differences are endless sa totoo lang. so it is indeed pointless and simply wrong to compare. i know, easier said than done. but am telling you now it's not worth kicking yourself over nor does anyone deserve the agony of belittling oneself.
there is always something to admire about ourselves, something to be thankful for, something to be proud of, something to love, something to be happy about. so smile, because i love your uniqueness.
to forgive is to be free. forgive yourself first. and then be involved in the affairs of people, help, share, be less calculated, take risks. care. love. and burst if you must. =)