Love between strangers

excerpt from youngblood:
Love between strangers is uncomplicatedly romantic.
It is the gentle unfolding of a poem.
Love between friends blooms subtly.
When it chooses to surface,
it is with the abruptness,
the violence,
the urgency of a car accident.
And it consumes a person.

------------------------------

to feel is inspiring.
to think ruins the feel.
the battle continues.
i hope they achieve a truce.

what changes a person? is it another person or the emotion?
can a person really transform bec of the feeling for another person?
or the person becomes different bec of that another human being?

...to be continued...

da other womyn

may gusto akong babae.
nuknukan ng lambing.
eloquent pa.
ewan ko kung alam nya, pero abot tenga ang ngiti ko pg naiisip ko sya.
halos sumakit na nga panga ko.
alam ko may chuva rin sha sa ken.
pero tamang tama ang atake nya na mapapaisip ka,
baka assuming lng ako.
mahusay!
kainis!
pg nag-uusap nga kme, nde nya lang alam,
kung saan saan na lumilipad isip ko.
alam mo ung out of body experience na,
pakiramdam ko, katawan ko lang ang nakikinig
pero ung kaluluwa ko niroromansa na sha!
ilang beses ko nang nareplay sa isip ko un.
pero lagi na lang akong umaasam.
dahil kung gano ko sha gusto gahasain, hawakan, at angkinin,
ganun naman sha kadistansya na para bang no-touch.
ni nde nya hinahawakan kamay ko.
nung minsang niyakap ko *in da guise of frendship*
mejo nanigas e.
badtrip! turnoff yata sa ken!
maling diskarte!
lagi lang sha anjan.
nde ko alam kung saan patungo.
ayoko naman pangunahan kasi timpla ko sa kanya
ayaw nya ng ganun sa babae.
minsan panakaw ko syang tinititigan.
naks! ito, ito ang magiging girlfrend ko! sabi ko sa isip ko.
sabay tawa sa loob ko!
hay, nakakapraning.
feelin ko ako lang nakakaramdam ng tension.
basta, pag tama na ang pagkakataon,
liligawan ko talaga sha.
nde ko masabing mahal ko sya,
pero gusto ko talaga sha.
at alam kong mapapamura ako pag napunta sha sa iba.
tangina! isipin ko pa lang ang sakit na.

kunwari magtatapat na ko sa kanya:
alam mo bang unang kita ko pa lang sau,
kinabahan na ko?
nde dahil nerbryosa ako.
pero kinabahan ako kasi sobrang saya ko nung magkasama tayo.
parang nde tama.
kasi may gf ako non.
ilang beses ko namang pinagbawalan sarili ko na
oops! preno! preno! bawal yang ginagawa mo!
mali yan!
kasi nun pa lang nanghinayang na ako.
sana una kitang nakilala.
sana malaya ako.
pra lubusan kong naenjoy ung moment natin.
naramdaman mo ba un?
ung kabog ng dibdib ko?
ung init ng balat ko?
nde dahil sa alak ha.
kasi may sumisingaw na damdamin sa kin nun.
nde ko mapigilan.
kulang na lang mag-apoy ako nun.
parang lalagnatin.

*end of pagtatapat*

dimonyo ka!
nabulabog ang mundo ko.
nakwestyon ang laman ng puso ko.
pati ang mga tinuturing kong malapit sa puso ko.
pinamukha mo sa 'king, i aint seen da best yet.
pakshet!

pero iba ka talaga.
kasi lagi mo ko napapatawa.
nde ko kailangang magsabi, alam mo kung kailan ko kailangan ng kasama, kausap.
u put me at ease lalo pag problemado ako.
ewan ko kung okay pa eardrums mo, sa dami ng rants ko sa buhay.
pati bulsa mo, baka butas na, kasi lagi ka nanlilibre.
we always have the grandest and most fun tym together.

minsan naiisip ko, baka ganun ka talaga sa lahat.
baka nde naman special ang ginagawa mo sa kin, kc
ordinary na sau un.

nahihiwagaan ako sau.
pero patuloy pa ring naaakit sau.

fuck off!

putangina talaga.
nakakapikon.
nagpapakatanga na naman ako.
papaapekto sa buhay ng iba.
e samantalang sarili kong buhay, daig pa ang pubic hair sa gulo e
*pasensha ang mga sensitive jan, pero ayokong mgpapreno ngaun)
ewanko, tangina.
nde na ko matutotuto.
papauto naman ako.
pucha! extremes pa naman ako.
it's either i'm too soft or too cynical.
pero cynicism is my key to self preservation.
and trying to go against my fuckin' nature is so damn hard.
gusto kong maging kupal, para makasabay sa kagaspangan ng buhay.
pero sa isip ko lang nagagawa.
pag anjan na ang sitwasyon, napapangibabawan ako ng rason at kabutihang lagi naman akong pinapahamak.
gusto kong murahin ang kausap ko o kaya insultuhin sha, kasi sha naman nauna.
pero lagi na lang mas pinipili kong maging 'safe' at manahimik na lang.
tama ang komento ng iba kong kaibigan.
habang pinapayagan ko na inaaapi ako,
lalo ko lang sila pinapalakas.
dumating na ang panahon (sabi nga ni kapatid na aiza).
panahon na para umaklas.
basagin ang punyetang imaheng pinoprotektahan ko.
baguhin ang mentalidad na pang-alipin.
at resbakan ang mga mapang-abuso.
tangina! rambol na to!
bahala na kau sa buhay nyo.
bahala ako sa buhay ko.
wala nang pakialamanan.
putangina.
tigilan na ang 'pleasantries' at pagiging 'nice'.
magpakatotoo na lang at magtapatan.
no bullshit!
parepareho lang tayo naglolokohan.
tigilan na ang pagsasayang ng oras at emosyong walang kwenta.
survival of the toughest and the smartest na.
nakadepende sa pecking order ang sequence ng bagay bagay.
walang permanente. lahat fleeting.
so para saan pa ang kalokohang loyalty?
i will only be loyal to myself.
i will be selfish and care for myself first.
i will be a madwoman and unlease what's inside me, regardless of who gets hurt.
enough of the suppressed emotions and guilt feelings that's been hurdling me from empowering myself.
from now on, i reclaim my right to my life and to everything i'm entitled to, w/c is da world!

whew! pakiramdam ko bumubuga na ako ng apoy!
tangina! ang init!

fluidity in love

When You Love Someone
by Anne Morrow Lindberg

When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment.

It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to.
And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap out at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return.

We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity -- in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping even.

Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread and anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
makapasok ng maaga, makakain sa oras, at makauwi ng maaga.
pg sinwerte, makanood ng sine at makipagkwentuhan sa mga kaibigan.
pg talagang pinagpapala, makapagbadminton man lang.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
pero mahirap abutin.
maaga ako nakapasok. ako nga ang pinakamaagang dumating! *yabang*
pero sa lahat ng simpleng pangarap ko,
yan lang ang natupad.

12:30 na ko nakakain ng tanghalian.
nde maaga, umaga na ko nakauwi.
ni tv nde ako makapanood, sine pa kaya?!
ang mga kaibigan ko, binoykot na ko kasi nde ako lagi umaabot sa usapan.
dahil sadyang pangontra ang trabaho ko.
badminton?! ako na lang yata ang tao sa earth ang nde pa nagbabadminton!

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
kung simple sha bakit nde maisakatuparan?

idissect natin ha.
1. dahil ba nde naman talaga sha simple? tangina naman o, kung nde sha simple, e di ung bigger wishes, unreachable na lalo?!

2. dahil ba nde ito matatawag na pangarap? kung nde, ano sha? ilusyon? ohno!!!

3. dahil ba wala akong matatawag na buhay? kaya wala akong karapatang mangarap? naknampucha! ang saklap nun ha!

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
pero ang totoo, tanggapin ko man o hindi, ang buhay ay nde simple.
ang mangarap ay maaaring madali.
ang kumplikasyon ay ang mapatupad ito.

simple lang akong tao.
na may masalimuot na mundo at trabaho.
may simpleng puso.
umiibig, nasasaktan, pero lumalaban.
may simpleng disposisyon.
makipagkapwa-tao, maging patas at maging masaya.

simple lang ang pangarap ko sa buhay.
at patuloy akong mangangarap dahil ito ang bumubuhay sa akin araw-araw.

firewomyn is burnedout

just when i thought i have all the fire in me to give warmth to others, i am proven wrong.

today is a test of powers.

it started w/ a day made warm by first the weather, second by caring friends.
but then halfway, i was breathing and lashing fire with my boss and colleagues.
inside, it felt like sponatenous combustion that will consume me.
there's too much anger and frustration.
we are always in firefighting mode.
later though, due to exhaustion, amber of coal from what used to be a conflagration was all that was left of me.

i'm burned out.
so what fuelled me to endure this day?
a spark of hopefulness that things will turn out ok.

today is a test of powers.

and firewomyn is temporarily extinguished.

holy relationship trinity

Dykes In The City: In Their Appropriate Box
08.17.04

By Shannon Ray

During a night of drink and gossip with friends, no subject is ever too taboo. What’s your current bed status, shoe size, most embarrassing sexual moment? The answer is supplied while effortlessly flirting with the oh-so-cute bartender across the way. It’s the kind of dialogue that onlookers love to eavesdrop on.
On a night such as this, the tabletop of women queried my way. In this day and age of 'domestic partnerships', does our need for companionship out weighed our need to get some? Furthermore, can lesbians survive on companionship alone? And if so, are we doomed to dust off our dating reject box just to have someone around for major holidays? Have we settled down or just plain settled for friendships with benefits?

Once, not so long ago, I implemented criteria to discern the difference between a friend and a lover. If the thought of screaming out her name during sex elicited a spontaneous giggle instead of a sigh from me, then I put her into the 'friend' box.

True story: many years ago I met a tall, handsome, and quite witty butch. We hit it off immediately. Only to find -- horror of horrors – that she shared the same first name as my mother. The thought of my mother’s name coming up anytime during an intimate moment sent me running for the hills. Flash forward a year or so later: I found out that she commonly went by a nickname that bared no resemble to any member of my family. I learned a valuable lesson that day: research is key.

Along with my 'scream-her-name-out test', I developed 'the box theory'. Let me explain: picture three boxes – the romance box, the fling box, and the above mentioned friendship box. We all have them. But only some of us admit we have them. The friendship box is self-explanatory. Someone who you get along with well enough but are not attracted to. The fling box is the border line case of a friendship with an added bonus of a sexual adventure. And the romance box is reserved only for someone who makes your heart do a triple-loopy when she fills a doorway.

I once questioned my reliance on boxes. I looked in my friend box to see if maybe I had let a good one slip away. I rummaged through my list until the ideal candidate was found. 'Dependable' looked great on paper. All the critical elements were there: smart, funny, older, and gainfully employed. We dated for a few months, but the chemistry just wasn’t in place. The sex was mediocre at best. Yet she had potential in so many other areas. It was like adjusting to platforms when all you’ve ever worn in life was flats. There were no butterflies, no last minute outfit changes. What she saw is what she got. For a while I had even convinced myself that you didn’t need the triple-loopy loop to be happy in a relationship. But eventually it felt like I was scamming the both of us. I’ve sworn off friendship dates ever since.

It seems once a person is in the 'friendship box', she shouldn’t cross over into the 'dating box'. But recent trends within my circle run contrary. It seems that many have settled for what they can get, instead of what they want. Holding out for 'the one' isn’t on anyone’s 'to do list'. Sort of like: Why hold out for a Royal Flush, when four of a kind will do the job? But for me, it’s hard to even think about a relationship that is nearly sexless from the very beginning. There seems to be too many people that go from one person for a main meal and another for a desert and still a third for a nightcap. Since when did the fairy tale start going sounding like a progressive dinner?

There are those of us who believe in true love and great sex that last a lifetime.. At times I think we’re a dying breed: the hopeless romantics with a working libido. As for me, I like holding out for the Royal flushes in life. I firmly believe in the holy relationship trinity: companion, lover, and friend.

Friendship is key to any relationship, but not the only one. The 'friendship box' is there for a reason. There should be a difference between a causal friend and a soul mate. There has to be different criteria between the two. I want someone who oversteps my friendship box by a mile and goes straight for my heart. Someone who is capable of equally melting my heart, thighs, and soul with fierce intensity. In the infamous words of the late Marvin Gaye: “If you believe in love, let’s get it on.”

as lovers go

as lovers go
by dashboard confessional

she said "i've gotta be honest,
you're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
and i said "you must be mistaken,
cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real"
she said...she said "you gotta be crazy,
what do you take me for...some kind of easy mark?"
you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but i swear that you've got me all wrong.

all wrong.
all wrong.
but you got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'

and i said "i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life."
for so long i thought i was a silent bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.

you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

tonight.
tonight.
but you've got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is telling me 'whats the sense in waiting?'

to my next grrrlfrend

I don’t know if I shd even be thinking abt u already, what after parting with one?!
But because it did not work with the previous one makes me more excited abt you!
Always in the hope that you might be the one after all. Sigh.
The reason why the other one has to end,
The blessing to all my failures,
The answer to my questions.
The one (ala matrix).
High expectations ba?
‘nde pa man tayo parang andami ko nang pressure sau.
But I know you will oblivious to my pressure.
I think you will be the type who won’t be affected by such standards.
And bec dededmahin mo lang ako abt it, da more dat I will be interested with you.
Weird ko no?

Is it the chase? The chaste? Im not sure also.
Basta for you, I will be just as I am, no apologies.
And I hope we will blend well like milk and strawberry.
Fave ko kasi ang strawberry milkshake

Will I know right away it’s you?
By pattern, I already know the one I want.
I can tell on first encounter. And most often, if I like u da first tym, most lykly un na un.
And if I lyk u dat much, baka ligawan kita agad. Hehe.
Pero pde rin ako magpakipot. Depende kung gano kaexplosive ang ating first encounter.
Pero as personal rule, kung gusto na kita agad, bakit ko pa patatagalin? Baka maunahan pa ko sau. Or mawala ang moment. Sayang din.

Sana nde ako busy by then.
Walang OT, walang meeting, walang hassle, walang issue, may pera, nde ako nakatsinelas or nakalousy tshurt, nakapaglotion, nakapagcologne at walang period. Wehehehe.

I’ve always been faithful, so I think nde magiging problem sa ‘tin ung infidelity.

Masunurin din ako kung kailangan. Nde naman submissive pero I can bend if it will make things better as long as it won’t hurt that much (kung kamasutra bending posn to, lalong game ako! Ahehehe).

Generous ako, nature ko na ang magbigay ng kung anikanik lalo sa taong mahal ko at mahalaga sa kin.

Mahilig ako sa outdoors, so cguro lagi tau magdedate, movie, party, out-of-town, bowling, malling, eat out, watch ng plays, stuff together. At shempre kung may pera ako, lagi kita ililibre.

Pag may ot naman ako sa work, bawi na lang ako sa weekend kahit magdamagan pa.
Or sana ok lang sau ang gabihin, kasi kahit may ot ako, at the end of da day, gusto ko makasama kita or makita man lang.
pang-alis pagod ba.
Kung okay lang sau, puntahan na lang kita sa bahay nyo.

Sna nde issue sau ang pda, kasi mejo showy ako, so sana wag ka mailang pag kiniss kita or hinug in public. Pro I can be discreet naman. Pro pg nanggigil ako sau, sana pagbigyan mo na lang ako ha.

Impt sa kin ang occasions, so kung nde ka into monthsaries, pabayaan mo na lang ako na icelebrate yun with you. Kasi it makes me happy and gusto ko mag-ipon ng memories w/ u.

Ipapakilala kita sa bestfrend ko saka sa iba kong frends, even sa ofcmates ko, wag lang sa family ko, kasi closet ako. Sana maintindihan mo yun.

Kung nde ka man gusto ng frends ko, ok lang sa akin, wag lang kayo mag-aaway. Nde kita iiwan kung ayaw man nila sau. Sana magustuhan rin ako ng frends mo.

Kung may marinig man akong negative abt u, nde ako basta nakikinig sa chuchu ng iba.
Kung ano sabihin mo, sau ako maniniwala.
Pero pag napatunayan ko naman na niloko mo ko,
sori na lang, pero kahit special ka sa kin,
malamang iwan kita kasi nde na kita kayang itrust.

Wag ka sanang pikon din, kasi malakas ako mang-asar.
Lambing ko lang un. Sna lagi taung magtawanan.

Nde ako confrontational, so try kong baguhin para maayos natin ang ating mga conflicts,
sana ganun ka din.

Matampuhin ako, nde ko rin alam, kasi parang conflict sa personality ko na mejo maangas.
Siguro sa mga taong mahal ko lang ako ganun.

Wag mo kong aawayin or pagagalitan in public kasi dadamdamin ko yon.
Mejo bastusan ang dating sa kin nun.
Magmurahan na tayo ng tayong dalawa lang pero wag naman sa harap ng ibang tao.
Kasi nde maganda sa ating dalawa yun.

Madali ako madisappoint, so wag kang mangangako ng nde mo kayang gawin,
kasi panghahawakan ko yun.

Minsan may pagkamanhid daw ako sabi ng kaibigan ko,
so wag kang mahihiyang sabihin sa kin ang gusto mong mangyari.
Kung ayaw mo kong umalis or sumama w/ a certain grp or person, just tell me agad,
nde ako magaling sa mga reverse psychology.
Straight forward na lang. sensha na ha, programmer mentality na ko e.

Sana mahalin mo ako ng tunay at tapat.
Based from experience nde ako nangiiwan sa ere hangga’t kaya ko.
At mahaba ang pasensha ko.

Sana makaya natin to.
Pero sana magkakilala muna tayo nang tayo’y makapagsimula na :)

and-end

and you asked me, "do you still love me?"
i answered sometimes i do, sometimes i don't even think of you.

but you said it has to be yes or no.
black or white.

how can i force myself to comply to your sense of order?

when i totally can't say i don't love you.
but by not being able to say that i don't love you, does that mean i still love you?

the truth of the matter is, i don't know.
call me unfair, call me indecisive, call me whatever you want to label me.

but my predicament remains.

lucky are those people who can easily draw the line between what is and what is not.
who can say yes or no without even thinking twice.

that makes me unlucky i guess.

when you've loved someone, i don't think
you can really unlove that someone.
the depth of love may lessen or take a different form, but it will never totally disappear.

in my now less emotional state
and a little sense of clarity,
you can ask me again.

do i still love you?

yes i still do.
i may not think of you as often as before, but that doesn't mean i don't love you anymore.

now let me ask you,
do you still love me?

in your black and white world,
you simply answered no.

the period to all my question marks, commas, ellipsis and hyphens.

the end.

fare thee well

Fare Thee Well
by Indigo Girls

fare thee well my bright star
i watched your taillights blaze into nothingness
but you were long gone before i ever got to you
before you blazed past this address

and now i think of having loved and having lost
but never know what it's like to never love
who can say what's better and my heart's become the cost
a mere token of a brighter jewel sent from above

fare thee well my bright star
the vanity of youth the color of your eyes
and maybe if i'd fanned the blazing fire of your day-to-day
or if i'd been older i'd been wise

too thick the heat of those long summer evenings
for a cool evening i began to yearn
but you could only feed upon the things which feed a fire
waiting to see if i would burn

fare thee well my bright star
it was a brief brilliant miracle dive
that which i looked up to and i clung to for dear life
had to burn itself up just to make itself alive

and i caught you then in your moment of glory
your last dramatic scene against a night sky stage
with a memory so clear that it's as if you're still before me
my once in a lifetime star of an age

so fare thee well my bright star
last night the tongues of fire circled me around
and this strange season of pain will come to pass
when the healing hands of autumn cool me down

when friends fail you

walang permanente
walang umaabante

iniiwan ako sa ere
dahil sa work ay lagare

is it my fault?
or theirs by default?

kasi they promised they would
but in the end, they never could

now i'm just so down
can't remove my frown

the tears just fell
damn! feels like hell

who do i tell?
what w/ an empty cell??

no someone to turn to
no shoulder to lean on to

guess now im-a go head my way
and live the life of one lonely gay.

tamang emote

madaming gustong gawin ang puso ko, ang katawan ko na kinokontra ng isip ko.

nais ko sanang malunod sa pag-ibig, magmahal ng malalim, pero ako'y natitigilan. nag-aalinlangan.
gusto kong maging makamundo, magwala pero mali.
ibig kong magpakasama, malulong sa bisyo, wag makialam, magpakasarap, pero bawal.

nde ako makapamuhay ng ayon sa nilalayaw ng hilig ko.

nde ako malaya.

natatali ako ng mga patakaran,
ginuguhitan ang kilos ng kultura, at kinakahon ng relihiyon.
pakiramdam ko, ngayon pa lang, unti-unti nang kinikitil ang aking buhay.
nahihirapan na kong huminga.
nilalason ang aking mga pinaniniwalaan.
pinapatay ang aking pagkatao.

pano ba ang lumaya, ang maging masaya, ang tunay na mabuhay?

a-MUSE me

i'm so distant.
i care but i don't love.
my heart is as cold as the typhoon wind,
as artificial as the aircon chill.
i work but i'm not inspired.
i'm sad, but i can't cry.
i laugh, but it sounds hollow.
i look but i don't really see.
i'm lost, but i'm not worried.
so this is what mere existence means.
i'm detached.
nothing affects me right now.
no imprint.
no impact.
everything fleeting.
i don't feel real anymore.
food has no taste.
people are just nameless faces.
pain has no feel.
suddenly, there is no meaning.
nothing makes sense.
i'm tired, burned out even.
but then who cares?
i don't.

i am musing without a muse.
a-muse me.

adam in eve

this is a very good article abt girl-to-girl and largely gays.
and this came from a straight!
beat that!
it takes a certain level of thinking to recognize lesbians
and depth in reasoning to accept us.

read and think!

---------------
Adam in Eve

By J.R. Eusebio
YOU contributor
http://you.inq7.net/youngblood/06042004/ybl1-1.htm


GAYS, gays, gays. Loud gays, crazy gays, pretty gays. We're used to seeing them all around. And we've come to appreciate them. After all, they make the colors of the world more vivid, the people more boisterous, and the language more exciting.

But one other citizenry is pushing its way onto mainstream. Lesbians. A few months ago, Rosie O'Donnell and her partner got married in the state of San Francisco, partly as an act of defiance against US President George Bush's intolerance for same-sex marriages. Locally, Asia Agcaoili of the Viva Hot Babes admitted to being bisexual. I don't know if it was just gimmickry to earn her more publicity, or if she really was trying to make a statement. Any which way, I guess she succeeded. One of her interviews even left me thinking. There she said that ultimately she believes gender should not hinder love, which really, when you come to think about it, makes so much sense.

Not long after that, footages of Desiree del Valle's wedding to a young girl in Las Vegas were exposed on primetime news. Then DJ Alvaro cut her hair short for her girlfriend Aleck Bovick.

Now what could be the reason behind this upsurge? Darwin's theory of natural selection? Adaptation? Someone told me in high school that there are about three women for every man in the world. Three is to one, imagine that! What could possibly happen to the other two women who don't make it to the altar? A life in the monastery, a life waiting for a man who can only love you secretly, a life taking care of a dozen stray cats, or -- here it goes -- a life with another living creature with the same body parts as yours?

There's another possible explanation, however, to all this: economics. Let's go back to the basics. If there's little supply, and high demand, you have to find some alternative way to satisfy the need. Say the need is love, and the supply for men, which is a vital ingredient in producing love, is really low. What to do then? Take that which is abundant: women, and exploit it to its highest potentials. Thus the rise, presumptuously speaking, of bisexuals and lesbians.

And it's not so bad in my opinion, what's happening. Machiavelli would say that a classless society is the ideal society. How about a sexless one? Feminists organize demonstrations to make the world understand women are not inferior to men. Since time immemorial activists have been working for equality of the sexes. But what better way to experience that equality than by having a world that doesn't care for gender?

No matter how silly same-sex relationships and marriages are to some people, it still is a screaming testimony to the fact that the world is reaching a kind of communism. Communism, because from a society of sexual discrimination, comes now a society without even a sexual preference, so to speak. Everybody's flirting with everybody. Everybody's doing everybody. Talk about globalization! We're doing free trade here!

The Department of Health should be smiling. Seems like the population's going to drop a few notches down. I doubt if the Church is going to be happy though, whether or not this fad would lessen the number of contraceptive users in our land. But what I'm sure of is that the MTRCB's blood pressure is boiling, especially with all the TV exposure lesbians and lesbian love affairs are getting.

Well, I don't really know, but shouldn't we just be positive and cool about all this? Lesbians exist. So do men. And women. And gays. I mean I can exhaust all possible theories about how they are growing in number and all -- and I could hit the bullseye or I can just be so over the board -- but lesbians are here, and it looks like they're going to stay. That's that and there's nothing much we can do about it.

After all, we're not the ones who are on the hot seat. We're not the ones who would take all the criticism and would have to defend our very nature every so often. We're not the ones who would have to choose between sticking with society and its peculiar righteousness, or accepting the stares that come as part of the package with loving unconventionally.

The way I see it, as mere onlookers, we only have two choices. We can either turn a blind eye to the plight of the third sex, or we could look at this issue straight in the eye, and start accepting people for who they really are. For all the centuries that have been spent by wise people analyzing human nature and philosophizing about life, wouldn't it be a shame if we showed that we haven't learned a single thing? We could certainly do away with scarlet letters and little drummer boys now.

I am making my choice right here and now.

This is for all my friends who know love without boundaries.

promiscuity in homosexuality

ba't parang mas dami promiscuous sa g2g relationships? bukas n ung cont, antok n e. hehe.

catatonic

it's so damn cold in my ofc that i can hardly keep a straight back. summer has officially ended. sigh.

ive been so restless these past days, even now.
i dunno what's happening. my feet's itching to go out
and my throat's drying of liquor thirst.

whattafuck is wrong with me.
im totally demotivated.
i had this all time high last week.
i think i was superb at work then!

come fri night and sat of non-stop fun,
then sun of boredom.

mon, and im moping.
tue, definitely lethargic.
wed, brooding.
thur, no improvement.

the only salvation is mangupal ng ibang tao,
mang-asar and mambulabog.

da height of decadence!
shet!
how do i shake out of this non-productiveness?
save me pls.

on her thing and hurting

where does happiness lie?
on loving?
on being loved?
or on not hurting?

where is meaning?
in purpose?
in achievements?
in being?

i'm saddened that people are hurting w/o knowing why
i want to reach out to them
but i don't have the answer.
what i have are more questions
for them, that will hopefully
lead them to the answer

this world is full of loneliness.
alienation.
the bigger it gets, the more alienating the feeling is.

the space between
the distance between
the time betwen
what is the line that connects us?
what is it that will bind us?
what is it that will make us last?

love, more or lez

everybody's hurting these days. so sad.
there's always just momentary happiness or should i say bouts of joy, then kaputz!
gone that fast!
even the ones you thought were perfect for each other and exudes of a lasting love is bound to be tested.

maybe lasting love is a myth.
something we would like to believe so as to make us move on
or to give meaning in our existence.

my college professor lent me a book before and it says, Love Doesn't Exist, only self interest.

it totally demystified love and downsized it to self-interest.

i theoretically adhered to it for a long time.
and had fun spitting it out to the romantics and the hopefuls.

but at the end of the day, we all want to love and hopefully be loved.

even the most jaded in us longs for love.

i'm an idealistic person and it shatters me to accept the emotional shifts happening everywhere.

but we all have to survive.

it's always a struggle to love and make things work.
a daily battle which we either win or lose.

so i have a new philosophy.
i know for a fact that love exists.
it's in my every blood vessel and i can't let a psychologist tell me otherwise when it is something that has constantly been true for me.

i'd rather say, lasting love with the same partner doesn't exist.
love is here for all eternity.
but maintaining that same love with the same partner, that is a next to impossible task.

in the end, what's important is that we all loved and aimed for forever.

on writing the wrong

i almost forgot about writing until a friend reminded me about it.

i got so caught up in reading and the daily grind that i neglected my art.
before, i said writing is my passion.
how can i call it my passion when i have moved on with my life sans it?

it's either i've not been living my life lately
or i'm not really passionate about my writing.

maybe writing is not my passion, but rather,
i write only when i feel passionate about something.

hmmm... now that had me thinking.

before, i can't imagine not writing.
now, i can only imagine i'm writing.

my hectic life has come to that point.
is it even 'life'? or mere existence?
can i even say it's hectic when it mostly is work that consumes my time?

i'm not happy that my so-called life is equated to work.
it just is not right. i have truly been an office slave w/ an imaginary leash.
even in my sleep and on my free time, work thoughts always enter my mind.
i have been so programmed by my work that it's mostly what i think of and do.

what great irony!

i'm a programmer, and yet i wasn't able to escape this quagmire.
but no matter what happens, in my most desperate times, most emotional moments,
my darkest situation, writing has always been my salvation.

i start with a heavy heart and ends up with a feeling of relief.
call it therapy.

it is only when i write that i become totally free.
this is my escape, my refuge.
unexpected occurrences trigger me to write.
interesting encounters inspire me to write.
boredom urges me to write.
desperation makes me write.

right now?

i write now,
not with raging fire, but with the soft glow of burned coal.
not with charging urgency, but with steady pace of calm.
not with wanton passion, nor with seething intensity.
i'm neither angry, nor ecstatic.

i write now, not because.
i write now and that's it.