womyn in my mind

**warning!!! mush ahead! wehehe.**

omg! firewomyn is inlove!
how is firewomyn when inlove?
awfully ksp
consistently smiling
unbelievably inspired
unstoppably touchy
incredibly magastos
definitely loyal.

to da womyn in my mind:

i think you're so cute when you smile w/ your bangs falling just below your specs. and when you pout just to make fun of my antics.

goodies!

dis may seem schizo of me (after dat awful entry prior to dis) but it's not always doomsday for me.
here's a lil bit of sunshine & some redemption :)

• on a lighter note, i'm free of my credit card debt already! yipee!!!
• and i got back the 50% deduction i was punished with! *tumbling* twas a mess due to lapses in translation
• had my defective atm finaly replaced after an exasperating experience & creating a scene at the bdo bank
• my best friend's movin to makati w/ a hottie roommate! dis means more gimik time w/ my frends! hooray!

inTENSE!

kung lalaki siguro ako, umakyat na itlog ko sa leeg ko.
im dat tense right now.
on more controlled situations where there's still an atom of poise left in me, and i know there's a way out (read: lusot!),
i would have just spit, im not tense, im intense!
but, the reality is i've fucked up big time! and the damage is 60+ customers getting updated to the beta version of our soon to be released software (w/c i must add, is still under QA test).

i prayed hard for the earth to just swallow me whole, or i suddenly catch a contagious disease (in the hope that they'll pity me and won't find it in their hearts to be mad at me).

in my escapist mind, im believing that this is all a nightmare w/c i will soon wake up from.
or only a handful of people was affected, err, like 1 or 2? :D

i almost had a hear attack after running one query (to verify the damage) and saw the result of almost 300 customers affected by that fatal error. it's almost like 300 pairs of eyes glaring at me and questioning my capacity in this job. i imagined myself shrinking in their cold stare and getting buried alive from where i stand.

i did another query and it downsized to 69 (one of my favorite number, but not on this particular case). great! it's still a whole LOT of actual customers!

i would hav cried already but the fear crystallized the tears even before they come out of my eyes. cold fear.

if i don't get to update this blog anymore, that means i've been guillotined. but if i get lucky, i'll just lose my job. darn!

it never gets easy anymore. i want my mommy! sob. sob. :(

food for thought

m so famished that my head aches already.
i dunno what's wrong with me.

i already felt the tummy need hours before.
and i know, without thinkin that i'll soon be hungry.
and i also know by experience that once i dont get the nourishment i need,
my head would be bitchin with me already.

and yet, i just continue with what im doing.
disregarding all the warning signs.
so my present predicament.

i dunno why i behave like this.
it's almost a death sentence if i continue with this eating pattern.

is it just pure laziness to go downstairs and scrounge for a meal and satiate the demands of
my complaining tummy? or a hunger strike after all the unjust things done to me by my ungrateful profession?

i think im just plain nuts.
i knowingly abuse myself.
and i have this deep-seated faith that my body

will self-heal and self-sustain.

who am i kidding?

knowing is not enough.
and faith has limits.

im soo dead! ugh!

**ramblings of a famished womyn**

a girl, a coke and a song

note:
song in the coke tv ad, w/ da gurl in red who has a case of colas in her bag :D
nde ako umiinom ng softdrinks pero i specially like dis song.
swabe lng pro may dating ;)




sana'y masabi sa awit kong ito
lahat ng ninanais nitong puso ko
sana saan man, patungo sa buhay
may pag-ibig, may pag-asa,
may saya at saysay
sana sa bawat sandali matikman pa
sarap ng pagsasama at simpleng ligaya
tara na,
sakyan lang
malay mo
andyan lang,
andyan lang
ang hinahanap mo.

quote in time

"laughter is often the best
and sometimes the only response to pain"

-bill clinton

yuppy's (young urban poor professional) tale

back to earth!

work sucks big time!
just when i've been doin' my damn best all for the love of my work, i get to be knocked down by the ultimate fact abt being a yuppy (young urban poor professional).

it's all about the dough!

i just got the big news that my salary has been slashed to half all because i failed to copy furnish the big boss' exec. asst in my mgt report for 4 friggin' days.

this implies that a day's work is broken down into two:

50% actual work w/ output (meetings, submission of deliverables, issue resolutions, sending of reports)

50% copy furnishing the EA on sending the mgt report thru email

Whatta fuckin' revelation to me! Tangina!

As was taught in UP, the corporate world doesn't just kill the activist in you -- it obliterates it!

I'm really upset right now. crushed, disgruntled and uber pissed!

heaven help me :(

I've been in series of overnight work for days now and the usual fighter in me is not up for a duel right now.
I lack the physical strength to argue and spit fire. I may feel beat, but definitely not beaten.
Tom is a day for reckoning! Tangina nyong lahat! Resbak time!

bakit ayaw ko mainlove?

kasi ayaw ko na muna mapraning
ung tipong nde lng sha magtext for a few hours e ikot n pwet ko, kakaisip kung ano na nangyayari sa kanya or kung mahal pa nya ko.

kasi ayaw ko ng obligasyon.
shempre, kakamustahin mo, kung kumain na ba, kung nakauwi ba ng safe, kung ok lng sha, kung matutulog na ba sha. magpapaalam ka sa mga lakad mo or activities mo.

kasi gusto ko magfocus sa work ko.
pg inlove ka kasi and may konti lang kayo tampuhan, apektado na work mo, kasi nde ka makaconcentrate kakaisip abt sa inyo and pano ayusin ung tampuhan/away nyo. and you have to devote time for QT (quality time), so bawas muna OT pra maka QT.

kasi gusto ko sana magtipid.
nde naman sa nagbibilang, kaso totoo namang pag inlove, magastos. kasi generous ako pg inlove.
txt galore. call galore. date galore. gift galore.
(ohshit! tunog matrona ah! wehehe)

kasi gusto ko pa magwala.
in other words, gusto ko pa mambabae! lol! :D

kasi takot pa ko masaktan.
ewankoba, andami gustong gusto na mainlove, kahit alam naman natin na nde maiiwasan ang masaktan.
kakambal na ng love ang pain.

kasi gusto ko muna mahalin sarili ko.
minsan kasi pg sobrang inlove, nalilimot ang sarili para lang sa mahal nya. swerte mo kung ang mamahalin mo ay aalagaaan ka ng husto at mas priority ang mapasaya ka.

kasi nde pa ko handa magsinungaling na naman sa pamilya ko.
dahil closet ako, madaming itatago: ang pagdedate, ang pgdeny sa kung may karelasyon ka na (kasi nde nmn nila kakayanin kahit aminin mo), kung saan lakad mo at sino kasama mo, sino kausap mo sa phone, sino nagbigay sau nyan (gifts ng mahal mo), para kanino yang binili mo, etc. magtatahi na naman ng elaborate na kasinungalingan.

kasi ayaw ko na naman umasa.
na ito na un! na magtatagal ito.

kung pdeng mamili, ayaw ko pa mainlove.
kung pdeng umiwas, ayaw ko pa mainvolve.
kung kayang bawalan ang puso, ayaw ko muna ito kumabog
kung kayang pigilan ang damdamin, ayaw ko munang umibig.

kaso nde pde, nde kaya.
so kahit ayaw ko pang mainlove, wala akong magagawa.
kundi :

-mapraning sa pag-aalala para sa minamahal.
-maging responsable nde para sa sarili lamang kundi sa kabiyak.
-matutong balansehin ang trabaho at relasyon.
-gumastos ng para sa dalawa at nde mgkwenta (kasi walang price tag ang pagmamahal).
-magwala or do wild stuff pero tangi lamang sa kasintahan.
-maging handa na masaktan at iwasang masaktan and tinatangi hanggat maaari.
-mahalin ang sarili at kapareha.
-maglihim muna sa pamilya para sa ikakapayapa ng lahat.
-umasam at pagsikapang tumagal ang pagsasama.


ayaw ko pa sanang mainlove, pero huli na.
dahil umiibig na uli ako.

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo

by gary granada



**dahil inlababo ako ... :p **


kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y minamahal
sana'y maunawaan mo
na ako'y isang mortal
na nde ko kayang abutin mga bituin at buwan
di kaya ay sisirin perlas ng karagatan

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y iniibig
sana'y maunawaan mo
na ako'y taga-daigdig
kagaya ng karamihan
karaniwang karanasan
dala dala kahit saan
pangaraw-araw na pasan

ako'y nde romantiko
sa iyo'y di ko matitiyak
na 'pag ako'y kapiling mo
kailan may di ka iiyak
mga magandang hinaharap
sikapin nating maabot
ngunit kung nde pa maganap
sanay wag mong ikalungkot

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y sinisinta
sana'y ibigin mo ako
mulat ang iyong mga mata
kayamanan kong dala
ay pandama't kamalayan
na natutunan sa iba
na nabighani sa bayan

halinat ating pandayin
isang malayang daigdig
upang doon payabungin
isang malayang pag-ibig

kapag sinabi ko sa 'yo
na ika'y sinusuyo
sana'y yakapin mo ako
kasama ang aking mundo.

for da love of

ang firewomyn pg nanahimik, at nde nagsusulat, ibig sabihin, ginapos n ng trabaho kya nde man lng makapag-update ng blog :)

o kaya dami lakad kya walang time kumapa ng pc, *kc iba ang kinakapa! wehehe!*

ang totoo nito, naging abala talaga ako sa aking so-called career. nde talaga madali kumita ng pera.
nasa isa akong propesyon na nde ko naman napag-aralan at nde natural na hilig. ang tanging gusto ko dito s trabaho ko ay ang sahod, at technology.
but come to think of it, sagana nga ako sa net connection, nasa mtg naman ako lagi. syet!
competitive nga sahod, kaso antaas din ng stress level ko. potek naman o!
kumbaga, kulang p sahod ko pangpsychiatrist, pmpaospital, ska pambili ng sandamakmak n vitamins.
so nage-even out lng pala sha. tangina! lugi pala ako ah. darn!
nde nmn ako bobo ska martir, so there must be other reasons why im still here in this company after 2yrs of gradual torture. ano nga ba? *piga piga s kakaisip*

when i started here, i lyk d culture. multiracial *altho ang totoo, 2 races lng, pinoy at others*
iba rin mejo ung experience pg may expat kang katrabaho, maeexercise leeg mo kakatingala pg kausap cla.
mejo gagaling ka s english or s slang nila. mga generic vocabs na nagagamit, "dunno, gonna, yeah, really?! right, uhuh". tatapang ang tolerance mo s amoy ng nde agad naliligo or ngtutoothbrush pagkakain. matututo kang maging straight forward. dito ko rin narealize n pde k naman maging successful and at d same time maintain ur individuality!

kc kahit ano isuot mo ok lng, it won't affect how ur work is perceived or evaluated. mismong ceo namin nakaslippers lng madalas e ska nakashurt pero antindi ng utak! pde kang may tattoo or tongue ring ska maging palamura or bastos pro nde ibig sabhin non e wala kang pinag-aralan. matinik k p rin s work mo.
dito rin ako namulat n nde porke kano e magaling na. dami ring palusot ng mga un! kaya equal n lng tingin ko s kanila. ang bilib ako s kanila or atleast s expat ska foreigners n nakakadaupang-palad ko is ung assertive cla magsalita, kahit mali cla. nadadaan s delivery. kainis! pro pg nsanay k n, nde k n basta papadala, eepal k n rin.

ang mga tao dito, mga liberated, open lahat ng topic. sex/porn, drugs, rock n roll, politics, sports, napag-uusapan, walang taboo. nde mshado uso tsismis kc open book halos lahat s buhay nila. or wala lang pakialam or pakialamanan. e ano kung s babae ako nagkakagusto, e ano kung may asawa na ang jowa nung isa, e ano kung kalahati ng edad nya ang syota nya, e ano kung cross dresser sya, e ano kung may kabit ung isa, e ano kung madami nakakasex ung isa, e ano bang paki mo?! astig d ba?!

nde madali ang trabaho dito. kasi ang kakompetensha namin ang buong universe! kalabanin mo b naman ang microsoft, nde b parang universe n rin ang kinalaban mo?! tangina work here is tougher dan carabao meat i tell you!

nde uubra ang petiks. madaling mabisto ang mga puro bullshit lng. at lilitaw at lilitaw kung wala kang utak or tamad ka.

24/7 ang operation kc part dotcom e. so on-call status ako. ibig sabihin, walang oras na pinipili, pde kang tawagan pg may problema, parang tunog super hero di ba? hehehe. dati, masaya ako pg nagriring celphone ko, pero ngayon, may halong kaba na. kc malamang s kulang, problema ito. naranasan ko na ang gisingin ng madaling araw at bumalik sa ofc ng nakatsinelas at shorts lng. nde na rin bago ung asa gitna k ng panonood mo ng sine ay tatawagan ka. kanya-kanyang coping mechanism n lng ito. pdeng takas k muna from work then balik k n lng kung alam mo n gagabihin k rin lng. or kung makapal-kapal k, dedmahin ang col or ioff ang fone. goodluck n lng kung majajustify mo sha kinabukasan! bawat segundo n down ang sistema nyo, ilang dollars ang nalulugi. hanep s pressure di ba? so wala ka nang choice kundi tumapang otherwise, pakamatay k n lng or lumipat.

u might ask, for da love of god & myself, bakit despite ng sangkatutak kong reklamo at hirap, e andito p rin ako?

isang malalim na hay. i guess, underneath my battle scars, it's for da sheer love of my work that's why i continue to fight and continue to be challenged :)

fish & fire wisdom

1. when someone says "I love you" to you, it actually means, "Do you love me too?"

-nugget of wisdom from goldfish memory

2. when someone says "i love you" to you

a. and you don't feel the same, just say, "thank you!" *that says it all*

b. and you like the person but not really love yet, just hug the person tight *it's a positive response w/o really committing to anything yet*

c. and you want to test the sincerity of the person, ask, "why?" *if s/he can't say anything, it's probably just great sex! wehehe!*

-nuggets of wisdom from firewomyn


hapi weekend!!!

the goddamn girl is mine!

*note: para sa mga possessive na tulad ko! ahehehe. pag kinanta nyo to, masarap pag lasing na, para with conviction when you say, "bec d goddamn girl is mine!" *tagay pa!* wehehe. napakinggan ko to in reggae version, patok! pag may nakita akong downloadable na ganung rendition, post ko dito. for the meantime, mgtyaga muna tau kay jacko and paul mccartney ;)


[1st verse (womyn1)]
every night she walks right in my dreams
since i met her from the start
i'm so proud i am the only one
who is special in her heart

[chorus]
the girl is mine
the goddamn girl is mine
i know she's mine
because the goddamn girl is mine

[2nd verse (womyn2)]
i don't understand the way you think
saying that she's yours not mine
sending roses and your silly dreams
really just a waste of time

[chorus]
because she's mine
the goddamn girl is mine
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine

[bridge (womyn2)]
i love you more than she
(take you anywhere)

[womyn1]
but i love you endlessly
(loving we will share)

[womyn1 & womyn2]
so come and go with me
to one town

[womyn1]
but we both cannot have her
so it's one or the other
and one day you'll discover
that she's my girl forever and ever

[3rd verse (womyn2)]
i don't build your hopes to be let down
'cause i really feel it's time

[womyn1]
i know she'll tell you i'm the one for her
'cause she said i blow her mind

chorus (womyn1)
the girl is mine
the goddamn girl is mine
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine

[womyn1 & womyn2]
she's mine, she's mine
no, no, no, she's mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine

[womyn2]
the girl is mine, (yep) she's mine
the girl is mine, (yep) she's mine

[womyn1]
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine

[womyn2]
womyn1, we're not going to fight about this, okay

[womyn1]
womyn2, i think i told you, i'm a lover not a fighter

[womyn2]
i've heard it all before, womyn1
she told me that i'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember

[womyn1]
well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another

[womyn2]
is that what she said

[womyn1]
yes, she said it, you keep dreaming

[womyn2]
i don't believe it

[womyn1 & womyn2]
the girl is mine (mine, mine, mine)

[fade-out/repeat]

mahika ng erotika

imagination is the creator of erotika.
there are good writers who can write out of pure imagination and there are those typical writers who needs to experience things before they can write about it.

mas masarap maranasan at imaginin ang erotika kaysa isulat.

para itong bola ng apoy na gumugulong at namamaso mula sa puso pababa sa puson.

ang init na didila at magpapausok sa lahat ng madikitan nito.
painit ng painit, hanggang sa matupok lahat ng katanungan at pag-aalinlangan.

sa dilim, mga liyab ng mata ang tanging makikita.
nakakauhaw na init.
nakakapaglaway.
nakakagutom.

isipin mo ang isang tigreng may matatalim na pangil na pinakinis ng walang kulay na laway.
na may dilang mapula at pinadulas ng pagkabasa.
mga tingin nito'y galit at nag-aapoy.
nakatitig sayo.
ndi ka makagalaw.
para kang nahypnotize ng kanyang tapang.
kung gano kalakas at nakakatakot ang kanyang dating, ganun naman sya kadahan-dahan kumilos papalapit sayo.

*o isip mo lang yon na ninanamnam ang eksena?*

iibabawan ka nya at bago ka pa nya mahawakan, ay tutuluan ka muna ng kanyang laway.
hahalo sa luha ng iyong pawis.
ang unang pagniniig.
walang magsasalita.
tanging kabog ng dibdib at malalim na hininga ang mangugusap.

dahan-dahan syang bababa sa iyong kinahihigaan.
dadanti ang kanyang balahibo sa iyong umaasam na balat.
ibabaon nya ang kanyang nakakahiwang pangil sa iyong kalambutan.
aagos ang luha at dugo.

*this is what i call exquisite pain!*

ipipikit mo ang iyong mata sa katotohanang lalamunin ka nya ng buhay at papatayin ng unti-unti. habang sya'y pinapalakas ng iyong kahinaan.

gutom sya at ika'y mapagparaya.
malakas sya at ika'y mahina.
sya ang diyos at ikaw ang alay.

Dykes In The City: You Didn't Get The Memo

12.31.04

By Shannon Ray




Relationships - everyone has had a few. When any two separate forces join as one, the results can be potent or placid. Mix in things like love, commitment and personal agendas, the scales can tip in no one’s favor. The rarely equal balance of power in any relationship is strange at best.

Things like control of the remote and bathroom territory are fought for on a daily basis. Control in a relationship has to be balanced between the partners and all relationships have a flow of their own. It’s a dance that only the two involved know the steps to, their own personal two-step.

The dynamics of any butch-femme relationship still amaze me. A femme harnessing her power can be sweet and loving or sting like no one's business. Butches know that. And they thrive off of it. We have the power and give you butches the privilege of thinking that you do. Remember that behind every successful butch is a femme telling her what to do. It’s quite ironic how the imposing butch rides shotgun most days while we the femmes take the wheel.

No one ever tells us that these things, we just seem to find out as we go along. I guess that most butches just didn’t get the memo when it comes to femme behavior. So, how about a set of rules that butches could go by, regulations to live by when dating and doing us. Try to remember you butches maybe have control in the bedroom. The femmes have control everywhere else.

We as a sisterhood want the Butch to understand and nurture us. To remember that just because you boi’s might wear the strap-ons doesn’t mean that we don’t wear the pants. So with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek - here are the Femme Rules:

Rule #1- The FEMME is always right.

Rule #2- Frequent Flower Miles = FFM. Know it, love it, live it.

Rule #3- Mind reading is not an option; it’s a requirement.

Rule #4- Hell hath no fury like a femme pissed off.

Rule #5- Finger sucking is a perfectly acceptable means of bartering.

Rule #6- Keep us happy - diamonds always work well.

Rule #7- The Butch is expected to read the mind of the FEMME at all times.

Rule #8- And, at all times, it is only important what the FEMME meant, not what she actually said.

Rule #9 -The FEMME always makes all the rules. They are subject to change without notice. No Butch can possibly know all the rules. If the FEMME suspects the Butch knows the entire rules, we can and will change them.

Rule #10- If it appears the FEMME is wrong (which we know will never happen), it is because of a heinous miscommunication. Eventually this can be traced back to something the Butch did or said wrong. If so, the said Butch must apologize immediately. The FEMME can change her mind at ANY time. The Butch is not allowed to ever change his mind w/out the express, written consent of the FEMME.

Rule #11- We have every right to be furious or aggravated at any time. Said Butch is expected to be calm at all times. That is unless we, the FEMMES want the otherwise. We will never let you know what we want you to be, we just expect you to be it.

Rule #12- If the FEMME has PMS, all the rules are null and void and the Butch must cater to her every whim. Gifts of chocolate, flowers and jewelry are greatly appreciated.

Rule #13- The FEMME is "the boss". The Butch may carry the boss title, and it may appear to others that the Butch is in control, but we know who the real boss is... and don't forget it!

Rule #14- When we say we are “fine” we rarely are. We use at the end of any debate when we are right and want to have the last word. This also applies to the “nothing” when asked what’s wrong. If a Butch gets two “fines” and a “nothing” during a conversation they are to not pass “GO”, they do not collect $200.

Rule #15- Shoe shopping is an art form. It takes great skill and agility finding the perfect shoes for an outfit that we don’t own yet.

Rule #16- It’s not your imagination, we do have a mental Rolodex. We can and will use it at any given point. And for any given situation as we see fit.

Rule #17- We hate it when you mutter under your breath, refer to us as the “ball and chain”, and say things like “ Yes Dear” or “Whatever you want honey.”

Rule #18- If ever in doubt, always refer to rule #1.

Life with us Femmes is never easy. We can be bossy, loud and downright demanding. We want to be treated like a princess while respected as very capable women. We never want to be second place in your life, nor the first runner-up in the love lottery. Remember that we’re still loving and doting while you push us away. News flash for those of you living in denial- Butches have a lot of crap and baggage too. It all depends on if you chose to read between the lines.


© 2004 Shannon Ray, All Rights Reserved