Dykes In The City: You Didn't Get The Memo

12.31.04

By Shannon Ray




Relationships - everyone has had a few. When any two separate forces join as one, the results can be potent or placid. Mix in things like love, commitment and personal agendas, the scales can tip in no one’s favor. The rarely equal balance of power in any relationship is strange at best.

Things like control of the remote and bathroom territory are fought for on a daily basis. Control in a relationship has to be balanced between the partners and all relationships have a flow of their own. It’s a dance that only the two involved know the steps to, their own personal two-step.

The dynamics of any butch-femme relationship still amaze me. A femme harnessing her power can be sweet and loving or sting like no one's business. Butches know that. And they thrive off of it. We have the power and give you butches the privilege of thinking that you do. Remember that behind every successful butch is a femme telling her what to do. It’s quite ironic how the imposing butch rides shotgun most days while we the femmes take the wheel.

No one ever tells us that these things, we just seem to find out as we go along. I guess that most butches just didn’t get the memo when it comes to femme behavior. So, how about a set of rules that butches could go by, regulations to live by when dating and doing us. Try to remember you butches maybe have control in the bedroom. The femmes have control everywhere else.

We as a sisterhood want the Butch to understand and nurture us. To remember that just because you boi’s might wear the strap-ons doesn’t mean that we don’t wear the pants. So with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek - here are the Femme Rules:

Rule #1- The FEMME is always right.

Rule #2- Frequent Flower Miles = FFM. Know it, love it, live it.

Rule #3- Mind reading is not an option; it’s a requirement.

Rule #4- Hell hath no fury like a femme pissed off.

Rule #5- Finger sucking is a perfectly acceptable means of bartering.

Rule #6- Keep us happy - diamonds always work well.

Rule #7- The Butch is expected to read the mind of the FEMME at all times.

Rule #8- And, at all times, it is only important what the FEMME meant, not what she actually said.

Rule #9 -The FEMME always makes all the rules. They are subject to change without notice. No Butch can possibly know all the rules. If the FEMME suspects the Butch knows the entire rules, we can and will change them.

Rule #10- If it appears the FEMME is wrong (which we know will never happen), it is because of a heinous miscommunication. Eventually this can be traced back to something the Butch did or said wrong. If so, the said Butch must apologize immediately. The FEMME can change her mind at ANY time. The Butch is not allowed to ever change his mind w/out the express, written consent of the FEMME.

Rule #11- We have every right to be furious or aggravated at any time. Said Butch is expected to be calm at all times. That is unless we, the FEMMES want the otherwise. We will never let you know what we want you to be, we just expect you to be it.

Rule #12- If the FEMME has PMS, all the rules are null and void and the Butch must cater to her every whim. Gifts of chocolate, flowers and jewelry are greatly appreciated.

Rule #13- The FEMME is "the boss". The Butch may carry the boss title, and it may appear to others that the Butch is in control, but we know who the real boss is... and don't forget it!

Rule #14- When we say we are “fine” we rarely are. We use at the end of any debate when we are right and want to have the last word. This also applies to the “nothing” when asked what’s wrong. If a Butch gets two “fines” and a “nothing” during a conversation they are to not pass “GO”, they do not collect $200.

Rule #15- Shoe shopping is an art form. It takes great skill and agility finding the perfect shoes for an outfit that we don’t own yet.

Rule #16- It’s not your imagination, we do have a mental Rolodex. We can and will use it at any given point. And for any given situation as we see fit.

Rule #17- We hate it when you mutter under your breath, refer to us as the “ball and chain”, and say things like “ Yes Dear” or “Whatever you want honey.”

Rule #18- If ever in doubt, always refer to rule #1.

Life with us Femmes is never easy. We can be bossy, loud and downright demanding. We want to be treated like a princess while respected as very capable women. We never want to be second place in your life, nor the first runner-up in the love lottery. Remember that we’re still loving and doting while you push us away. News flash for those of you living in denial- Butches have a lot of crap and baggage too. It all depends on if you chose to read between the lines.


© 2004 Shannon Ray, All Rights Reserved