my blah

Sometimes I think my thoughts/opinions are antagonizing. I was with a group recently. They are talking about topics related to their pasts and on infidelity stuff. I care for these nice people, but I feel detached on the discussion. Maybe am too jaded. Maybe I really am an antagonistic person. Or maybe I simply just have ADD. Haha.

For example, people talk about love. And I blurt out, love doesn't exist, only self interest. I've read about it in college from a book I borrowed from my teacher. And if you think about it, all actions we do, someway or another, we want it, we benefit from it, we derive some joy/satisfaction from it, even if we hurt from it. Like if you let go of someone because you love him/her and they love another. It's not really a selfless act because making that person happy makes you happy. So in itself that's self interest.

So on this group I got to be with recently, there was this debate about infidelity. Like if your partner commits infidelity, will you still forgive her or end the relationship. One argued that trust is the foundation of a relationship. They say once that trust has been violated by your partner, that's the end of a relationship. For me, love is the foundation not trust. We all have human flaws. We make mistakes or sometimes we just commit wrong judgment in a situation. Sometimes, there are moments when we are weak. Maybe that time, you're emotionally down or sexually deprived that led you to succumb to temptation. I recognize that maybe one of the reasons my partner made a mistake was maybe because of something amiss in the relationship. So I may forgive her still, depends on how much I love her. Bottom line, it's not about how big her mistake is, but how big my love for her that it can understand her beyond the mistake.

One person further explained that for her, after three cases of infidelity, that's really the end of it. At this point, I couldn't stand it and blurted out exasperatedly, I cannot put a number to the love I have for my partner. It is not the count of the act, but depends on the context of the act (were they drunk, were they naked? did we have a fight, was our relationship rocky to begin with, etc) and the magnitude (was it with my best friend? my sister? Omg, my mom? Don't tell me, with my dog??? hahaha).

Besides, how do you define infidelity? Is it the sexual/physical involvement or the emotional betrayal? In some gay couples I know, sexual contact with another is permissible since they acknowledge that they are sexual beings to begin with. A girl asked, what if she kissed somebody else, will you accept that? And I asked, kissed where? Hahaha. That's where it gets tricky. If it's the lips, it denotes intimacy, not just physical/sexual, so she said, so long as it's not the lips. So if your partner kisses or gets kissed in her vaj, you okay with that? If you ask me, both pairs of lips are very intimate. I cannot kiss someone there unless I love that person. But I do admit that in my egotistic imagination, I can, just to show off how great a kisser I am. So it's power, ego, pride, not love IF ever.

In the weekend tv interview of an 80s actor William Martinez, he poured out that, he was married for 25 yrs. When he committed to that love and marriage, it was forever. He gave up his career for that woman. But after 25 years, his wife, fell out of love. She outgrew him she said. He drank away his misery, got stroke, survived and now lives alone. The interviewer asked, will you still fall in love? He answered, "I loved for 25 years and nawala pa rin. How can I fall in love again? Hindi na."

Somehow, this stirred something in me. Marriage. zpeople commit with someone for the rest of their lives, in sickness and in health, in happy and sad times, in wealth and in poverty (something to that effect). My question is, how can one actually commit to that? To commit to something long term and unknown? Is it false commitment? Or a vow based on something you want to do, but don't know if you can really commit to? It is romantic to believe and to speak of forever after, for the rest of my life kind of stuff. But realistically, is it fair to promise forever/rest of your life with someone knowing the uncertainties the future may hold? "Everything exists in a state of permanent flux of change." Heraclitus said that sometime before 475 BC. It's 2012 and still rings true.

All of us change. We grow, regress, age. We learn, not always form past mistakes, but sometime we just learn new things as we grow and age.

Marriage is costly and impactful, financially, emotionally. I'd like to be married one day too, but I have yet to reconcile those thoughts first.

If you get married once (that's the initial intention) that will stand up to one's deathbed, there is a tendency to be complacent. After all, the contracts have been signed, so dammed if I do, damned if I don't. You're stuck, unless you have enough money, energy and evidence for annulment or divorce just in case.

And here comes the crazy idea, what if we make marriage a yearly thing. A contract that's renewable yearly. That will force the couple to re-assess the relationship and have the opportunity to face issues more regularly instead of letting the gripe pile up until they erupt and the damage is irreparable. Since it's kinda frequent, and can be very expensive, couples may rather choose to focus on the seriousness and intimacy of the ceremony and what their vow stand for, not the showbiz part, outside the vows.

I told you, crazy. :D

my heart is upside down. and my view is skewed.


Anonymous said...

I feel really bad for Mr. Martinez. There is no hurt like this one. It is the hurt the can make us back away from each other, from those we trust and hold most dear, as if some cruel fate has suddenly made us into strangers again. Time brings things to focus, but there are no moments lonelier than those when hurt comes from the ones we love.


firewomyn said...

@YinYang - my sisters defended the wife, that it's because William got into drugs, drinking, women that's why the wife left him. so what abt the for better or for worse part of the marriage? it's really sad. but i hope he gets a job to keep him away from the pain and have a new sense of purpose in life.

Anonymous said...

The most natural love is loving oneself. We can be scientific about it and premise it on the instinct for self preservation. Or we can be philosophical and claim that the self is the extension of the higher being thus loving one self means loving that higher being. Christian says it best, "respect your body as this is the temple of God". But most (me included) would like to delude ourselves with the notion of selfless love; succumb to romantic love instead of that which is natural. I don't know why people want romance, probably this makes them feel needed or important. But for me I just want to feel divine and romantic love denies my humanity. Thinking I'm doing something for others gives me power and makes me think probably I'm unique and not as ordinary as the next person in line.

Anonymous said...

Masyadong seryoso ang una kong post kaya pahabol lang... "I'm too pretty for monogamy!" hahaha :-)

Anonymous said...

really? awwws. too bad :( broken promises, i hope the guy will get over it and learn from his mistakes and a little more understanding and a greater willingness to accept the imperfect state.


Anonymous said...

Maybe we cannot put a lasting commitment into words that will endure as long as the commitment. And perhaps it is true that we can learn more about what is expected of us in our own promises to ourselves and to others only as time passes. But permanent commitments are possible even when theoretically they seem difficult or beyond our reach. That is what keeps us growing, through the power of love and trust help us to surmount the odds.

adik lang.

one_blissful_nomad said...

You make sense. :)

Anonymous said...

A lot of issues here came up. But one thing I am sure of: if one of the partners doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, that's the end of the relationship. It doesn't matter kung ano man ang rason: infidelity, ldr stresses, falling out of love, namatay ang aso ninyo. Kung isa na lang ang willing to be in a relationship or to make the relationship work, wala ng relationship, to speak of.

On the issue of infidelity and forgiving and staying with that person anyway - hindi ko pa naman ito naranasan so I cannot really know what my reaction would be. Will deal with it when and if that happens.

Tapos ang kasal. Hay, I keep telling people: Don't get married. Unless you have an inexpensive way out. Buti na lang ang mga commitment rites (at ang dis-commitment part nito) na ginagawa ng same-sex couples hindi financially draining. Haha. Sa ngayon, my relationship is a daily thing - at the end of the day I ask myself, do I still want this tomorrow? Yes. So go. Another day of sweetness, etcetera.

Mahirap ngang mag commit to another person. People change, including yourself. Ako, the only thing I can really commit to is to taking care of myself - hindi lang physically and emotionally, pero pati na rin sa konsensya ko. That's where my 'faithfulness' comes in. I will honor agreements I made with a partner, and I suppose, I believe that she will honor them as well. But there is also a space in the possibility that these agreements will not be honored. Pero here is the crux of the matter: I will deal with it when it's there na. No need to fuck my mind over it, kung wala pa.

Love does exist by the way. It is also called self-interest. Hahaha.

Joy said...

You've raised a lot of issues here beautiful lady. Feeling ko kulang ang 3 order ng Frappuccino to discuss all of them. Let’s just talk about 4 things Love, Fidelity, Commitment and Marriage:
1. Love vs. self interest - By saying that there is no such thing as love but self-interest is actually contradictory BECAUSE self-interest is a form of love, self-love. That is why there is such thing as narcissism.
2. Fidelity - Fidelity to what? To the person? To the commitment/contract? Sexual fidelity? Emotional fidelity? Financial fidelity? Iba-iba ito. Sabi ko nga noon, ok lang makipagsex ang partner ko sa iba, basta ako ang mahal nya. Afterall, it's just sex. A relationship can survive without it. A friend of mine has different standard of fidelity. Ok lang mangbabae ang asawa nya basta hindi nya alam, sa kanya umuuwi at hawak nya ang ATM card. So what fidelity are we talking about here?
2.1 Forgiving infidels - Again I've seen a lot of people (men and women) who forgive, or even tolerate, sexual infidelity because what they have is more than sexual relationship. Case in point - a friend caught her husband in bed with another woman, they separated but they got back together because of their kids/family. And according to my friend she is willing to lose a husband but not a friend (bestfriend nya si husband) and the father of her kids.
3. Commitment - Again this needs to be defined. Kanino at saan ka ba magcocommit; sa partner, sa partnership, sa pamilya (meaning the kids, the clan, the dogs), sa friendship (na pag tanda nyo mag-aakayan kayo), o commitment to the romantic idea of being committed? And commitment is not the same as fidelity or loyalty. One can be committed but not honest, or can keep another family.
4. Marriage - People get into marriage for different reasons. No matter how we try to simplify it in the marriage vows, the reason for marrying will differ from one person to another, because this is something personal. Logically it follows that there will be varied reasons to stay in the contract or bolt out. Though, I like that idea of renewable marriage contract, parang performance management system lang. Dapat rin siguro may scorecard. Hehe

Anonymous said...

hi crushie!
i think you just grabbed my thoughts. great blah! i still keep myself updated on your blogs though i don't comment on every post. keep blogging. i just admire how your twisted mind works. +_*



a.k.a JaDa (hahaha! keso)

Anonymous said...

when it comes to matters about life and love, id rather listen. So I was attentive all through out the meet up. ;)-g