my blah

Sometimes I think my thoughts/opinions are antagonizing. I was with a group recently. They are talking about topics related to their pasts and on infidelity stuff. I care for these nice people, but I feel detached on the discussion. Maybe am too jaded. Maybe I really am an antagonistic person. Or maybe I simply just have ADD. Haha.

For example, people talk about love. And I blurt out, love doesn't exist, only self interest. I've read about it in college from a book I borrowed from my teacher. And if you think about it, all actions we do, someway or another, we want it, we benefit from it, we derive some joy/satisfaction from it, even if we hurt from it. Like if you let go of someone because you love him/her and they love another. It's not really a selfless act because making that person happy makes you happy. So in itself that's self interest.

So on this group I got to be with recently, there was this debate about infidelity. Like if your partner commits infidelity, will you still forgive her or end the relationship. One argued that trust is the foundation of a relationship. They say once that trust has been violated by your partner, that's the end of a relationship. For me, love is the foundation not trust. We all have human flaws. We make mistakes or sometimes we just commit wrong judgment in a situation. Sometimes, there are moments when we are weak. Maybe that time, you're emotionally down or sexually deprived that led you to succumb to temptation. I recognize that maybe one of the reasons my partner made a mistake was maybe because of something amiss in the relationship. So I may forgive her still, depends on how much I love her. Bottom line, it's not about how big her mistake is, but how big my love for her that it can understand her beyond the mistake.

One person further explained that for her, after three cases of infidelity, that's really the end of it. At this point, I couldn't stand it and blurted out exasperatedly, I cannot put a number to the love I have for my partner. It is not the count of the act, but depends on the context of the act (were they drunk, were they naked? did we have a fight, was our relationship rocky to begin with, etc) and the magnitude (was it with my best friend? my sister? Omg, my mom? Don't tell me, with my dog??? hahaha).

Besides, how do you define infidelity? Is it the sexual/physical involvement or the emotional betrayal? In some gay couples I know, sexual contact with another is permissible since they acknowledge that they are sexual beings to begin with. A girl asked, what if she kissed somebody else, will you accept that? And I asked, kissed where? Hahaha. That's where it gets tricky. If it's the lips, it denotes intimacy, not just physical/sexual, so she said, so long as it's not the lips. So if your partner kisses or gets kissed in her vaj, you okay with that? If you ask me, both pairs of lips are very intimate. I cannot kiss someone there unless I love that person. But I do admit that in my egotistic imagination, I can, just to show off how great a kisser I am. So it's power, ego, pride, not love IF ever.

In the weekend tv interview of an 80s actor William Martinez, he poured out that, he was married for 25 yrs. When he committed to that love and marriage, it was forever. He gave up his career for that woman. But after 25 years, his wife, fell out of love. She outgrew him she said. He drank away his misery, got stroke, survived and now lives alone. The interviewer asked, will you still fall in love? He answered, "I loved for 25 years and nawala pa rin. How can I fall in love again? Hindi na."

Somehow, this stirred something in me. Marriage. zpeople commit with someone for the rest of their lives, in sickness and in health, in happy and sad times, in wealth and in poverty (something to that effect). My question is, how can one actually commit to that? To commit to something long term and unknown? Is it false commitment? Or a vow based on something you want to do, but don't know if you can really commit to? It is romantic to believe and to speak of forever after, for the rest of my life kind of stuff. But realistically, is it fair to promise forever/rest of your life with someone knowing the uncertainties the future may hold? "Everything exists in a state of permanent flux of change." Heraclitus said that sometime before 475 BC. It's 2012 and still rings true.

All of us change. We grow, regress, age. We learn, not always form past mistakes, but sometime we just learn new things as we grow and age.

Marriage is costly and impactful, financially, emotionally. I'd like to be married one day too, but I have yet to reconcile those thoughts first.

If you get married once (that's the initial intention) that will stand up to one's deathbed, there is a tendency to be complacent. After all, the contracts have been signed, so dammed if I do, damned if I don't. You're stuck, unless you have enough money, energy and evidence for annulment or divorce just in case.

And here comes the crazy idea, what if we make marriage a yearly thing. A contract that's renewable yearly. That will force the couple to re-assess the relationship and have the opportunity to face issues more regularly instead of letting the gripe pile up until they erupt and the damage is irreparable. Since it's kinda frequent, and can be very expensive, couples may rather choose to focus on the seriousness and intimacy of the ceremony and what their vow stand for, not the showbiz part, outside the vows.

I told you, crazy. :D

my heart is upside down. and my view is skewed.