loving and counting

Stop talking about love.
Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody.
It means nothing.
It still doesn't mean anything.
What you feel only matters to you.
It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters.
It's the only thing that counts.


--------------------------------

got the above as an early morning text from my friend's gf. :)

"i love you" these days is an overused commodity that one should not be quick to believe in to, specially to its deeper, supposed to be lasting connotation of forever. it's not that the person who said it is insincere, it's just that many of us can be fickle minded. one minute i love you, the next, i love another, in the same breath as i did the prior. OR it can be that we don't bother with distinctions, the varying depths of love. it's the familiar throb of love that matters. because too many things happening (or with too many choices), we easily give in to first impressions and are enslaved with sensations. only to probably realize when we're older, wiser, and have professed love to god knows how many, that we have loved person #1 the most, the deepest. but s/he's now with another.

---------
trivia: the womyn embracing Zach in the poster is Jacinda Barrett, the same womyn (Rebecca) who kissed Bridget in the film "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason".

the g2g encounter (bridget and rebecca)


jacinda barrett (aka rebecca)

brace yourself

[just click the image so you can read what's written on the bracelet]

an interesting find while malling with gf. gf bought a necklace with a sun design inscribed with "seize the day". will post it next time.

Free Exclusive Par-teh! :)

Feeling Cheeky this Saturday?... if so, head down to the most awaited Party filled with Sexy House and Cheeky Tunes

August 22, 2009 (Sat.), 9pm @

CENTRO de REPUBLICA, Timog Avenue, Q.C. ( infront of City Lifestyle)

This Party is EXCLUSIVELY for WOMEN!!!!

Hosted by: FEMMELITE, GIRLS NYT OUT, SALT and PLANET OUT!



NO COVER CHARGE

...AND MORE FREEBIES!


With Guest bands: FATT and TETAS

Brought to you by: JOSE CUERVO TEQUILA, COORS LIGHT BEER, GILBEY'S PREMIUM and JAGERMEISTER.

For more info/sms: 09165925971, 09228761010, 09188984253 & 09175357045

for all the lezzies and others

i was supposed to post a different melodramatic angsty entry, BUT be thankful that i won't do that anymore. instead, i'll open your eyes to the wonderful world of the funniest lesbian i've known *thunderous drumroll please* -

meet Lizzy the Lezzy!




for those womyn falling in love with her already, sorry to disappoint you ladies, but Lizzy the Lezzy is a stand-up comedienne video animation only. how we wish she's real right? who can speak the tongue of the lesbians in a tune that's unapologetic (read: proud) and entertaining.

if only lgbt rallies are as light and fun like those narrated/sang by Lizzy. there's always this popular notion that lesbians are angstsy (don't bother checking the word, i made it up) and such drama queens. maybe it's because of all the prejudice and centuries of repression. thank lizzy i didn't pose my planned entry anymore. hehe. well, we're gay right? so let's all be happy and gay! :)

more videos at youtube and at lizzy the lezzy website.

like it or not

It used to be that my longest relationship would only be in months. It's not that there is no sincerity nor there is no love, it just didn't last longer. We're lucky in a way to know early that we're not compatible, before we even messed up further. Maybe some would argue that we didn't try harder or we didn't give it chance to mature. My belief then was that mutual love should not be hard, but should be effortless. Love flows easily that you don't need to try, you just follow your heart and the rest will be roses minus the thorns.

Okay your turn now to shoot me for being that idealistic. The critics are right, I didn't try harder. First sign of flaw or incompatibility and I'm out the door. This is ironically funny because the very reason my past gfs and I became couples is because we like each other, at least for the initial part. Notice the polyseme (a linguistic term for a word's capacity to carry two or more distinct meanings). Like as in with favored feelings and like as in sameness. Naturally, anything different or unlikeable with my then gf is a trigger for me that we're not meant to be for the long haul. The trepidation of the unknown/other's secret is gone, replaced with knowing familiarity. Of course, this is after the first intimate night together. It's a milestone really which will determine if there'll be more nights or it ends there.

And because I'm impatient, I do things in a hurried fashion. I like you, you like me, let's go! At that moment, you caught my interest and I want to go on. As we go on, the Oops happen. Oops, she just spoke her first unforgivable grammar error. Oops, smart sure, but a little overweight. Did she just say split the bill? Oops, financially unstable! And so on, a string of short lived involvements.

WANTed

chanced upon this website during one of my lunch breaks. what's unique with it is that it has has audio poems. and so i listen to well read poems as I enjoy my lunch. i found out that it's not just food for thought, but there are those food for the heart too... poetry. i'm inlove all over again. hay, mush. :)

here's one poem i lurv! read on and listen to it as well (click the link at the bottom).

What Do Women Want?
by Kim Addonizio




I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what's underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I'm the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm
your worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment
from its hanger like I'm choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and the love-cries too,
and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,
it'll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.



listen to the audio version here and be enthralled like me :p

tell me, what do you want?

Spending the night?

Not many of us are lucky enough to be out, have our own places or can easily bring womyn at home. For the rest who needs a private place to go to, I recommend a few practical choices below.

Interesting enough that there are motels who don't allow gays in their establishments. Whatever the rationale behind it I'm definite it's rooted on prejudice. Motels in other countries are motorist hotels Philippine motels are famous as the destination for trysts. And we all know couples don't go there to pray. So what's the issue with gays entering motels? It's not like they're sacred or holy. At the end of the day, it's a business, so who are they fooling? *just had to let that out*


StoneHouse Apartelle
The place is decent, discrete, accessible (in Quezon City and Edsa), and cheap!
They offer rates as low as P600 for a 12hr stay! There's no reservation for the 12hr stay, so it is a first come first serve basis.

Complete list of rates and the facilities in this link:
http://stonehouse.bravehost.com/

You can check pictures of the rooms here:
http://www.stonehouse.ph


Tri-Place Hotel
The rooms are newer than StoneHouse, spacious, clean, and affordable.
What's interesting here is that they offer rooms with communal rest rooms which gives people more affordable option. An overnight stay for rooms with communal rest room is pegged at P1,100, while it's only P617 for a six hour stay. Standard rooms (Apollo) for a 12hr stay is at P1,050. I think you can do advance booking here. Know more info about Tri-Place here:

http://www.triplacehotel.com/


Eurotel Hotels
The room is small, but comfortable. The 12hr rates vary per location, but it usually is around P960. Cubao location offers six hour rate at something like P450-500, but be prepared to be exposed because of the long line! Yep, there's actual waiting area as you wait for couples to leave so you can get in.

More info on Eurotel

Firewomyn's Tips:
It really depends on your need.
1. If you have a tight budget and you want it discrdete, it's StoneHouse.

2. If you have enough money to shell out, and cool about communal rest rooms, then it's Tri-Place.

3. If you're horny and desperate, it's Eurotel.

At the end, you can always opt to carefully plan and save for an overnight date with your special womyn and go for well respected hotels. It's around 2k up.

An Adoptation

My friend gave me free advance screening tickets to "Orphan" film (see synopsis at the bottom of the post). I am not really a fan of suspense-horror genre so I made a mental list of excuses not to see the film. One of the reasons is my gf can't watch with me because she has a badminton game with her officemates. However, when my sisters found out about the freebies, they dragged me to watch it. With recession and all, anything that's free will convince most. :)

So there I was seated, skeptic, eyebrows raised, preparing to be dismayed. First five minutes of the film rolling and I was ripping my sister's arm as I nearly suffer a stroke with suspense! OMG! This film made a convert of me and had me full, eating all the bad presumptions I have of "Orphan".

Each sudden stare of Esther (lead role of the film, no other than the orphan herself), her deliberate moves, every iron lie and all her criminal thoughts had me holding my breath, squeezing myself closer to my poor battered sister. I gave in to all my senses and just let it all out! I screamed like a banshee with everyone else in the theater. The entire crowd applauded when her adoptive mommy slapped Esther real hard that she almost did a pirouette! Mommy's finally figured out what's wrong (such a weak word,not befitting of an imp!) with Esther while we cheer for mommy. Hooray!

Guaranteed shrill and thrill up to the very last minute! We all enjoyed it, except probably for my sister who's sworn never to go with me in suspense-horror-thriller flicks. Haha. I was impressed by "Orphan". I won't divulge the full plot because I'd like you all to experience Esther for yourself. :)

After the topsy turvy of emotions, "Orphan" had me thinking. Lesbians often adopt because we can't have kids with our partners. Adopting is a serious decision to begin with, but the real challenge is living up to that decision because adopting is making another human being part of your lives.

I know of a couple who adopted a newborn, the other even filed for maternity leave when they took the baby home. Yep, something fair for the lesbian world. One can actually file for maternity leave benefit even if you did not conceive at all. All of us was surprised of her sudden maternity leave because sure she's been pregnant with loads of work ideas, but not with a baby! And second biggie is, we didn't know she's a lesbian! Haha. After those two revelations I felt closer to her due to affinity. :) And have been following her updates in facebook. They're happy. I hope they don't watch "Orphan". Yeah, after I've sweet talked all my friends to watch it. :s

Bottomline is adopting is as critical as deciding to be pregnant. As unpredictable as watching a well crafted suspense thriller film.

-----------
Orphan synopsis:

The tragic loss of their unborn child has devastated Kate and John, taking a toll on both their marriage and Kate's fragile psyche as she is plagued by nightmares and haunted by demons from her past. Struggling to regain some semblance of normalcy in their lives, the couple decides to adopt a child. At the local orphanage, both John and Kate find themselves strangely drawn to a young girl named Esther. Almost as soon as they welcome Esther into their home, however, an alarming series of events begins to unfold, leading Kate to believe that there's something wrong with Esther--this seemingly angelic little girl is not what she appears to be. Concerned for the safety of her family, Kate tries to get John and others to see past Esther's sweet facade. But her warnings go unheeded until it may be too late-for everyone.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/synopsis

Sexuality of blood

Chanced upon this article that literally made my blood boil! I never thought gay blood to be any different with the others. And what made them think that homos change partners more than heteros? The discrimination is too much, basing it on assumptions and pure prejudice. Aaarghh!

--------

Chinese lesbians petition for right to donate blood
Agence France-Presse - 7/28/2009 4:05 PM GMT



Chinese people gather to donate blood at a mobile blood bank in Beijing in 2008. Chinese lesbians are signing onto an online petition asking for the right to donate blood, which is denied them by a society worried about AIDS, state media said Tuesday.

Chinese lesbians are signing onto an online petition asking for the right to donate blood, which is denied them by a society worried about AIDS, state media said Tuesday.

At least 540 lesbians nationwide have added their signature to the petition, and organisers hope to reach the number of 1,000 before handing it over to the government, the China Daily reported.

"We just hope the authorities respect our kind intention to donate blood and remove the discrimination," said one of the organisers, who was not identified by her real name.

China has an estimated 30 million homosexuals, including 10 million lesbians, the paper said, citing the ministry of health.

Although the legal system no longer discriminates against them, they remain stigmatised in large parts of society, and homosexuality only disappeared from an official list of mental diseases early this decade.

The paper quoted Shi Weiwei, deputy director of the Beijing Red Cross Blood Centre, as saying homosexuals were barred from donating blood simply out of safety concerns.

"As we all know, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases including the deadly HIV/AIDS is much higher among groups such as drug users and homosexuals, particularly gay men, who tend to have multiple sex partners," she said.

China is particularly worried about the risk of tainted blood after a large number of poor farmers contracted HIV in the 1990s from selling blood under highly unhygienic conditions.

decaf

Checked my window.
No rain today.
Not a single drop
down my cheeks.

It look's foggy though,
as unclear as our state.

So tell me,
is forgetting you
as easy as taking decaf?

It's instant.
Taste's almost the same.
Less bitter,
But no jolt.

Maybe in time
I'll get used to decaf
And get by
Without you.

Rainy thoughts

As I wait in FX line, rain started to pound, sounding like a drumbeat. I lifted my trembling umbrella to a sight of gray, non-stop slash of rain, looking like a thousand arrows shot from a neighboring kingdom. And I am transformed into a lowly peasant scavenging for bread from passersby hoping to have the strength to jump into a moving carriage that will take me from this wet misery to a summer refuge.

fifth commandment

pic taken in a a market in Palawan.


"Fifth Commandment:
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."

-- Exodus 20:12

happy father's day to all dads out there! :)

freudian

My life's a mess.
Yeah, messier than my pubes.
Convoluted as my guts

I am complex
I live in intrigue, danger, poverty
Where life is mostly dirrty, raw and only for the present

I am a peasant
Who's only wealth are my dreams woven from cigarette puffs
My ideals remain intact, unwashed as the jeans I've worn for weeks

I am wasted
I see life thru my drunken glazed eyes
Fragmented thoughts of pieced together memories

Dare enter my maze?
Each encounter is a surprise, no expectations
Just pure exploration in the dark.

Cross-Dressing Parteh! :)

After the rain, get out and dress up for fun and pride!

Flaunt it at Lunduyan ng Sining's

GET DRAGGED LEMONITES Cross-Dressing Pride Holiday!

Monday, June 8, 8:30pm, at MagNet Katips.

Featuring music of:

Lee Grane of Bush
Midnight Vaginas & more

Best costume wins a cash prize!

Entrance Fee: P150 + free drink

I love you Phillip Morris

Nope, this is not about smoking or cigarettes.

This is about love, intricate human relations and personal battles to understand oneself.

This is the tale of a man who after getting married, had kids, found out he's an orphan, got into a life altering accident and discovered he's gay the moment he gained consciousness in the hospital.

This is a story of a gay man who felt the need to commit crimes to sustain his lavish gay life, was jailed and fell in love with his cellmate.

And this is a true story.



The film tells the true story of Steven Russell, a small-town businessman who breaks with his old life to come out as gay, but also turns to more and more risky conman schemes to feed his flamboyant new lifestyle.

Sent down as a white-collar criminal, Carrey's character meets the love of his life -- Phillip Morris, played by Ewan McGregor -- in a state penitentiary, but even true love does not stop him falling foul of the law again.

****
Ewan has always been an adventurous actor, playing complex non-stereotype characters. So I'm not at all surprised after portraying fundamentalist Camerlengo Patrick McKenna (Angels & Demons) that he's now a gay inmate named Phillip Morris (in I love you Phillip Morris).

I remember he also appeared in an indie film at Cine Europa where he showed his “thing”. But I never got to see it. Dang! The queue line was longer than his “thing”.

Anyhoo, below is an article about Jim Carrey (can you imagine him playing gay man?), and how badly he wanted this coveted role which was based on a true story.

****
--------------------------------------------
Agence France-Presse - 5/19/2009 5:41 PM GMT

Jim Carrey 'compelled' to play gay jail-break romance

US actor Jim Carrey, seen here in front of the Carlton palace, told a Cannes audience Monday he felt "compelled" to take on the role of a gay conman in the jail-break romance "I Love You Phillip Morris".

US actor Jim Carrey told a Cannes audience Monday he felt "compelled" to take on the role of a gay conman in the jail-break romance "I Love You Phillip Morris".

"I've read only a few scripts in my life I felt I had to absolutely do -- 'The Truman Show,' 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', and 'I Love You Phillip Morris,'" Carrey told the Directors' Fortnight, a talent-spotting sidebar to the main Riviera festival, ahead of a screening.

"I was compelled by his insane need for acceptance, his relentlessness when it came to wanting love," the 47-year-old actor said, adding with a grin: "I don't know why they cast me."

"I said to my agent -- I have to do this even if I have to offer to do it for free," Carrey said.

"I didn't actually make that offer," he added.

Carrey said he was especially drawn by the story-telling in the script, adapted from a series of articles on the real-life couple by co-writers and first-time directors Glenn Ficarra and John Requa.

"It's a very complicated story and they told this tale of two men falling in love with grace, intelligence and humor, without condescending or pandering to antiquated sensibilities."

"They told a really risky little story and actually dared to make it romantic."

The film has already been a hit at Sundance, the US film festival run by Robert Redford that focusses on independent film-makers.

agree?

there
is
no

,


is
the
answer.

MOMbo-jumbo

i needed to get a hold of any person in our house so i can get my havaianas size (for a GC i won, need the size asap because they're ordering it already).

i changed the name of my sisters for secrecy :)
called house, mom answered.

-----------
me: ma, is apple there?
mom: nope, she went to the gym.
me: what about cherry?
mom: went with apple to the gym.
me: who else is in there? need to ask something urgent.
mom: peach and rowan.
me: ok, can i speak to peach please.
mom: she's sleeping

*in my mind: whaat?! you could have told me that at the start. geeez*

me: ohkaay. *me in slowmo* can i just speak to rowan then?
mom: surely. hold on.
-----------

hayayay! families. moms. sometimes i wonder, did i really come from that woman? who sometimes make my life so easy and oftentimes insane?
but knowing how crazy i can get, is an instant reminder that i come from the same nut. pun was intended. hehe.

so cheers to my crazy mom who gave birth to a crazier me! :)
happy mommy day to all! :)




word of mouth


MOMSHELL
- new term for the growing post-natal herd of "hot mamas".

hiatus for now, sorry.

in times of war(la)

many love-bitten/cynics/pragmatics' accepted truth is that love is not enough. it is not enough to eradicate world hunger, solve economic crisis, cure cancer, not even to save relationships!

i confess to being one of the pragmatics before who personally adhered to the doctrine "love doesn't exist, only self interest" then. BUT, having found love twice with men, 4x with womyn, i have come to have more faith in love than religion (the agnostic in me speeking).

-----
my gf was on vacation for a week from work and we haven't seen each other that much in five long days. i have expressed loneliness of her on our regular calls. as a tgif treat, she told me that she'll pick me up from work on Friday and we'll have a date. how grand i told myself.

friday night, after a week-long enslavement from work, we met at my office' building lobby. she was unusually quiet, distrubingly unsmiling, totally not her typical jolly self. i prodded her of the plan for the night and she just shrugged her shoulder. since she's not telling and she owes me a date, i just went on business as usual, objectivity to the hilt.

me: seems like it will take us forever to take a cab, let's just take the jeep.
gf: just nodded.
me: where do you want to go?
gf: anywhere.
me: let's go to g4 then, food choices.

at the mall..
me: where do you want to eat?
gf: you go ahead. i'll just eat later.
me: fine.

while in line at World Chicken, i called her.
me: do you want anything?
gf: nothing
me: ok.

i finished my dinner, without us talking. i just texted to keep myself busy and unaffected. she did the same.
after like 30min of non-date activity, i asked..

me: let's go?
gf: ok.

at the escalator to mrt, the g2g couple looking more like strangers to each other,
me: i'll go ahead now.
gf: ok.

neither looked back.

in my cool facade was a fuming gf. cursing her anger away. wtf was that all about??!! she was the one who volunteered to pick me up, enticed me with a date, made me expect of a tgif to end my stressful work week only to be treated like crap!!! i soo don't deserve this. i was so angry i didn't notice tears that welled from my tired eyes. each drop representing a sob kept hidden from the throng of mrt commuters.

twas double the pain because i had to act perfectly okay in front of my unknowing family (that their daughter is gay and is broken hearted). i deeply closed my eyes to quell the pain that's crushing my chest and to remove the image of an uncaring gf when i said goodbye.

----
if only love overpowered us that time, we would have not ended the night with pain and silence.
if we've let love rule us then, we would have been more concerned of the other than of the self. "are you okay?" instead of "where do you want to go?". intentionally overlooking the partner because i wanted it to be a "me" night.

love is enough if we just let it out.

nauseous

I think I'm gonna vomit with what I'm doing. I really don't want to do this laborious task of manual stuff.

There really is truth in the expression, "nasusuka na ko sa ginagawa ko". I never imagined it translates to the literal. Here I am, working 5hrs on a task so manual that my fingers are groaning carpal tunnal syndrome. Ugh.

Omg, so this is how it feels to be a laborer. So much for my prestigious job title. Pay is good. Work is crap. Aaargh!

Grammar sins

I interviewed an IT applicant this afternoon. From the way he flutters his eye lashes I can already confirm that he's gay. So I had high expectations of him.

He appeared confident, spoke audibly. But as I probe further on his gut. Haha. I mean as I probe further on his answers, grammar lapses surfaced. Ugh. As an interviewer, I have to make the applicant feel comfortable so that the answers will not be skewed by nervousness. For this applicant's case, he is confident as any loud gay can be. How confident? He is wearing his pants very tight (thinking that he's model slim) that it pushed his belly outward. Picture a lollipop. :)

He spoke in english as if his grammar is correct with occasional tagalog interjections. Voice never once faltered. Just a few more minutes and I swear he would burst into a Paul Potts number! With a spotlight to boot.

Here are some of his famous lines for your torture. Hehe.

o Limited deadline
-I think he meant tight deadline

o Conduct reports
- Should be generate reports

o After all along
- Haha. The incredulity in his story. "When all along"

o A certain things
- Drop the 's' honey

o I just pass it by
- When asked what he did with his demanding and moody foreigner boss

o most highest
- from a dlsu graduate last thursday. that's what i call superduperlative! haha.

Exclusive Parteh at the Fort!

kinda pricey (P200 EF), but you may want to try this one out.



EXCLUSIVE 4 GIRLS! OCT.18(Sat.)@ CLUB ASCEND FORT!

Pre-Halloween LGBT Party

you guys might want to go here. last i've been to malate was during the pride march which makes it one year ago. geez.

first two years of my g2g life i've spent in orosa, malate. the first year with my gay buddies street partying and being astounded of the make out scenes. the second year with new found g2g friends, drinking, partying still.

third year and so, the scene moved to makati, thru club government. my gay bestfriend is a VIP there so we always get invites. it's a gay club so there's just a handful of g2gs, not enough eye candies. sigh.

but now that bestfriend recently relocated to Obama country, partying halted. sigh again.

i do go to dyke dialogues and occasional film fests and g2g org launches. but that's just that. i find myself with no steady/regular g2g friends to hang out with lately.

my used to be regular gang have joined the diaspora cult and have gone sparse. sigh.

out and about

American Idol Clay Aiken admitted he's gay, to which the world replied, "We know!". Lindsay Lohan implied being gay by confirming that she's been going out with Sam for a long time now.

I didn’t realize that September is the coming out month. I would have joined had I grown the balls to actually do it. From what I've read online, there's this new definition of out. Where you do all the things that make people think you're gay except verbally confirm it yourself.


Lindsay Lohan Confirms Romantic Relationship with Samantha Ronson

In an editorial on AfterEllen.com last week called "Lindsay Lohan and the New Definition of 'Out'", we profiled Lohan and Ronson as an example of a new wave of same-sex couples who are re-defining the notion of what being "out" means.

Lohan and Ronson have accompanied each other almost everywhere for over two years now, attend public events together, wear matching rings, kiss in public, and have had their relationship captured in countless photographs. They have even spoken out together against Gov. Sarah Palin's anti-gay stance. They have done everything but verbally confirm their relationship — until now.



For me, the outing process is one glaring inferiority of being gay. Why does one have to officially announce to people about one's sexuality? Will the whispered gossip behind our back stop once we're out? Will the people be more accepting of us and our lifestyle/culture? Will we be treated equally if it's known that we're gay?

I doubt it. So why the elaborate effort to come out? Straights don’t do it. But then I realized, maybe because coming out is not meant for others to understand us, but mainly for us. Us acknowledging/accepting what we really are and sharing that new found acceptance with the people who matter to us. More of an FYI to them and if they understand/accept us/love us still, then that's a plus.

Verbally saying it to someone close to you liberates us somehow. You know how taboo being a homosexual is to most families (like mine). So to admit you’re actually one and affirm that with your family (with all the prejudices, responsibility, etc that go with being one) must truly be a defining moment. Hayy.

There's so much fear attached to being gay that you need more than balls to keep your stance. You'll need guts, heart, mind, soul, voice, all your body parts and more! Why? Because it is already challenging to blend in, much more go against the flow, deviate from the norm.

But does acknowledging the relationship with words still matter in an era in which the grocery-shopping, event-attending, ring-wearing and hand-holding behavior of same-sex couples is now reported on almost as often as heterosexual couples?

While saying it out loud is arguably no longer a requirement to being out, words still have power — especially to the vast majority of straight Americans for whom the presumption of heterosexuality is so great they simply won't believe a same-same relationship is true unless it is openly declared.

Pasted from http://www.afterellen.com/people/2008/9/lohan-confirms-relationship-with-ronson

People, specially the straights are the ones clamoring for us to come out. They either want to be proven right that so and so is gay, exclaiming, "I knew it!". Or they just want to see for themselves who the gays are, that they're real and not just some hush hush creation of their imagination or to know what they really look like beyond what the media/arts pictured gays to be.

Philippine lesbians are not just the masculine crooner Aiza Sequerra, there's also the vavavoom Sharmaine Suarez (used to be a sexy star), the athletic looker Laila Kuzma (did I get her name right? The used to be host in Eat Bulaga), there's the skillful only daughter chef of Gloria Romero, Marites Gutierrez, there's me, a feminine looking IT professional in a corporate multinational company. There's really a throng of looks, sizes, professions, and whathaveyous, almost close to saying we're not that different from everyone. :)

Go GALANG!

do drop by if you have time.
note that there's a P100 mandatory donation ;)

In Lehman's term

World market crashed yesterday. Big deal.

A month ago, I was nearing bankruptcy myself. Tough.

Six months ago I invested in a mutual fund from one of the affected local companies by Lehman's demise. Conservative annual interest rate is supposed be around 8-10%. I still have half of the year to see if it'll pay off. Ultra conservative earning for now will do.

One year ago, I invested in a time deposit from a rural bank which per my research offers the highest interest rate in Manila . After six months though, earning 5%, I withdrew everything to pay some family obligations. Sad. I vowed to replenish that this year. I just have 3 months left to fulfill that vow. Tick tock. Pressure.

One year and a half ago, I invested in pure volatile stocks from a broker who is the broker of my friend whom I learned later on is not only a financial broker but also her heart broker (okay, that was a stretch I admit. Hehe.) This self-made friend of mine didn’t finish college, is a single mom of two kids, doesn’t have a regular job, yet drives her own savvy car, has her own house, kids studying in privy school and can afford to have vice and some other luxuries. I was convinced she's doing something right and I'm missing out. So I tried it out. Gave 50k to the broker. I think I'm his smallest client in terms of shell out. My 50k investment has lost 50% since then. You do the math. Major ouch!

Two years ago I read a book, Cashflow Quadrant (by Robert Kiyosaki). From then on my investor self was born.
--------

Having somehow tried diverse 'investments', I am now unfazed with the market changes. I've learned to accept that it's part of the many risks that go with investing.

Lehman's term might have ended, but it just opens a wide door for more opportunities. Call it glass half full. :)

For when the market is down, that's the best opportunity to BUY. It's the equivalent of shopping discount/sale in trading. And buy I will do, from no less than AIG itself. Bold move. High risk. Scary shit. But totally exciting! ;)

en route to diversion

I was supposed to meet with two g2g doc friends tonight to watch UP Film Institute's screening of Manila by Night. I know, I know, I just declared bankruptcy an entry ago, but hear me out first.

Manila by Night is the film where Cherie Gil won the coveted best acting award for a lesbian role in the highly prestigious QTV show, Pinaka. Dahil may kabataan pa ko nung pinalabas ito sa sinehan (and I'm sure chinop-chop na to sa cuts nung pinalabas), ngayon ko pa lang ito mapapanood if ever.

I excitedly came to work an hour earlier so I can leave 5ish in time for the 7pm screening. It's like waiting for the minute by minute progress of time. The day dragged on ever so slowly (because I've been monitoring the passing of the desktop clock) until 5:30pm finally came. I quickly left the office, withdrew from the bank my last money and texted the grrls. No reply. Agitated, I gave TQ (my doc friend) a call. No answer. Excitement was replaced with tension and worry. 6pm, still nothing. Defeated, I called gf to tell her my sob story. I decided with a heavy heart to just head home and catch the film another time.

In the bus going home (opposite to UP), TQ finally replied around 6:30pm. They're already there at UP. And I'm 2.5hrs away from them. Darn network connection for delayed messages! They were convincing me to still go even just for dinner. I asked if it's their treat and said silly no. No treat means no go. :)

At the LRT, I'm still feeling lost because of planned gimmick gone awry. Standing in the throng of masses, I distracted myself by observing three kolehiyalas still in their uniforms, proudly wearing their St. Paul University Manila necklace IDs. *Paumanhin kung may maapektuhan* I mused to myself:

Ang chackie (meaning chaka) ng mga taga-St. Paul Manila. Kung ganito magiging itsura ng mga g2g, magpapakastraight na lang ako!

I tried to not look at them anymore, but their loud voices scream of attention (maybe to compensate for their lack in beauty).

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala1: Si X hindi naman tumutulong sa 'tin.

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala2: Onga. Kaya naman natin e. kung gagalingan natin, maganda kakalabasan (kung anumang topic yun, I hope it's not an attempt to beauitify their faces, kasi galing na lang ng syensya ang makakagawa nun)

St. Paul MNL kolehiyala3: (eto na pamatay!) Kung talagang determinated ka, magagawa mo !

O di ba, ang sarap tumumbling?

Maya maya, nagsibabaan na ang mga determinated. Hay salamat. Next batch please. Marunong naman bumawi si God kasi bumulaga na lang sa harapan ko (as in halos dumunggol) and isang maputing babaeng pretty and sexy (siguro 1 month na Ponds whitening pa tisay na sya), naka-plunging neckline na green blouse, naka-mini skirts, wearing clunky green bracelet and ring. (I'm sure intentional na hindi sya nagnecklace). I definitely feel green with her.

Alam nyo naman sa lrt pag rush hour di ba? Siksikan na, maalog pa. Shempre, pati yung nasa ilalim ng green blouse umalog-alog na rin na para bang gustong dumungaw sa labas (I wish! Hehe). Buti na lang femme ako kaya kahit I kept staring at her neck below, hindi malisyosa ang dating, baka nga flattered pa sya. So ang lowlah nyo, pangisi-ngisi, este, pangiti-ngiti lang at feeling nakajackpot kahit pano. Eto na ang catch.

Chackie nyang kasama: medyo sumasakit ang balakang ko
Green girl: bakit naman?
Chackie nyang kasama: PMS e.
Green girl: (pabulong kay chackie) PMS? Pre-masturbation syndrome?
Sexy femme na eavesdropper: (ako yun! Wehehe. Isingit talaga sarili e) napalunok, nanlaki mata at naloka sa narinig
Chackie nyang kasama: nyeh. Pre-menstual syndrome.

Beauty can only take you so far. Sa case ko with the chackies, they took me to a determinated path. With green girl, well atleast umabot man lang kami sa masturbation, pwede na yun! ;)

Poor the meantime

I have a confession. I'm short of money. I'm negative by P100 pesoses to be exact as of this afternoon. Based from my accounting spreadsheet, my last payroll's salary lacks P100pesoses for my bills and expected expenses till Sept15. Ugh.

Two hours later when I reached home, and my helper handed me our electric and water bills, I am now poorer by P2,300pesoses! Tangenangsyeet! Ganito pala pakiramdam ng mahirap. Nakakaiyak, nakakadepress, nakakainsecure at ang pinakamasaklap sa lahat, nakakapanget. :(

I never realized I'd reach this point of financial worry. I always thought I earn a lot and I am even able to do my regular share of charities and philanthropy. I used to kid gf that I have scholars whom I provide for to support their studies. I also have numerous relatives who seem to be always in need *there's always that kind of relative in every clan* whom I always help out.

But now, in a cruel reversal of fortune (I'm so in Jeremy Irons' shoes), gulping my high-rise pride I'm actually the one in need. There I said it. It's out and I don’t feel any tad better.

This tragedy started when my tax deduction from two payrolls ago doubled than before. It's a BIG tax I tell you. 33% of my earning I surrender to the government. So imagine my ultraelectromagnetic shock when I was deducted 66% of my salary! The katipunera in me suddenly awoke from its dormancy. I wanted to replace gabriela silang on her monument at makati. Gusto kong mag-aklas at sibakin ng itak (figuratively and literally) ang mga tao sa accounting department namin. There is definitely a grave error committed here your honor. And I won't stop until that criminal is in jail!

Kung gaanong nagrerebolusyon ang damdamin ko ganon naman ako ka-helpless sa situation ko. The escalation process in our big multinational corporate company is to email the erring department, which I did. After 5 days as part of their SLA (service level agreement), I got an email with an attached spreadsheet showing the details of my payroll, not really explaining why my tax deduction doubled this time. After reading the spreadsheet and not understanding it one bit, another email was sent to me by the department indicating that the issue I raised has been resolved.

Langya di ba? Nagsend lang ng spreadsheet without any explanation, resolved na daw!

Dahil BS Math si gf, I printed the spreadsheet including my recent payslips. My Math 14 and Stat 1 were not enough to unravel the mystery of the darn spreadsheet. I know kung fu, I know Math. And I know there's a missing variable somewhere because I can't extrapolate how they arrived with my tax deduction value.

So instead of the usual TGIF super fun/steamy gimmick with gf, we settled in a coffee shop analyzing the numbers. *Totally uncool* Turns out, even gf can’t decipher where the double tax deduction was derived. The actual factor that caused it to double was not provided. Ha! Tangenang accounting yan. Kala yata nila mauutakan nila ako.

I sent them another email demanding I talk to an accounting rep. One week later, dedma ang mga pucha! Sent them another email following up my email from last week.

Two and a half weeks since, the shit I'm buried in is getting deeper. My insurance contribution, my credit card, my rent, my utility bills, my Globe line, practically my life, all due this week.

Pag ganito palang gipit ka biglang tumatalas ang memory mo at lahat nang may utang sa yo bigla mo maaalala. My two previous employers still owe me my last pay checks. I thought I won't need them then so I never bothered getting my last pays. Ganyan ako kayabang noon! Na isang malaking kahangalan at kabobohan now that I think about it in retrospect.

What are my options while I await for the true resolution of my tax deduction?

1. Magtipid. No more cabs for now.
2. Magbaon ng lunch and meryenda instead of dining out
3. I still have a $100 bill in my wallet. That's an instant P4.500. But due to sentimental reasons, I hope to preserve that bill
4. I can pull out my P50k stocks investment (that is now 50% lower due to the oil crisis)
5. Maghanap ng sponsors (read: mamalimos) from friends (ayoko sa family ko, another towering pride issue)
6. magGRO temporarily? Pde ba yung customers ko puro babae lang?

Ansakit sa ulo sa totoo lang. Specially if I so want to watch a film in UPFI's (UP Film Institue) filmfest, attend the g2g e(girl-to-girl) exclusive party at Ratsky's (aiza sequerra's going to be there!), watch Avril Lavigne's concert, have my Olympus waterproof digicam repaired -- all to happen in the first two weeks of September.

The first Ber month brought forth a Bery challenging situation to me. Ofcourse, alam kong wagi pa rin ako sa huli. But until then, tuloy ang gyera ko with our company and pagsisintir ko about it.

*im sorry kung walang life altering realization in the end, at bitter and war freak mode pa rin ako*

lasting impression

Friend 1:
Been together for around 2yrs.
Lived together for less than a year in a foreign country
Planned to get married end of this year.
I was actually helping them in their wedding preparation.
Declaration: madami na kaming pinag-daanan. wala nang makakapaghiwalay sa min.

Friend 2:
Been together for almost 3yrs.
Been living together for more than a year.
Both ditched their gf's of so many years (4yrs +) to pursue this newfound love.
Declaration: can't imagine my life being more perfect

Friend 3:
Been together for 7yrs.
Braved their religious family's wrath to fight for their love
Went to the same school.
Worked in the same industry
Took the same post-grad course.
Declaration: up to infinity and beyond!


Friends 1, 2 and 3 are now single. The shocking announcements happened this year, around one month apart.

It's a time for mourning.

It shattered others' strongly held hope of an ever after the same manner my friends' hearts were pulverized into smithereens. It's like becoming a widow, severed from one's ideals. Friends 1, 2 and 3 are in dark anguish of the sudden, painful twist of fate.

I'm nearing 3 yrs with my gf. And I'm inwardly apprehensive of this seeming foreboding.
I, who have been cynically spitting to my friends that I don’t believe in happy endings. That I live my relationship one day at a time.

The truth is, theories aside, that's a scared womyn daring the universe to prove her wrong. But as fate may have it, these recent turn of events in my social circle is challenging me instead to prove my self wrong. The universe simply won't spoon-feed realizations to a lazy (pretending) theorist. :D It's part of the learning, the experiencing.

Doesn't anything last anymore?
Seeing friends who's been in years of togetherness kinda gives me that glimmer of hope.
Maybe something lasts after all.
Then they break-up.
And I'm emphatically broken as well, including that small spark inside me called hope.

I am in my longest relationship to date (2mos being the shortest).
Maybe this is for keeps.

There are numerous uncertainties in life.
If I consider them all, yeah, most probably, we won't last like the others.
But there is one certainty I know.

I love her.

Beyond fats and flabs,
wrinkles and white hairs,
financial unpredictability,
allergy attacks,
senility,
and all other imperfections.

If I get to know more that will put that love in question, then it's time to pray to the universe.
Until such time, I'll sweat it out to make us last for as long as I humanly can.

(s)wallow

If there is one thing I love doing, it's reading. Uhm, and writing too. And watching films. And photography. Okay so that makes it 4 things I love doing. :)

I just finished reading Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Must read friends. :)

This is something you digest on an open mind. Chew with slowness so you get to absorb its meaning lest getting lost and lose interest in the process.

I never imagined Maria for a guy. He's actually an advocate for solitude. Beat that.
While the majority makes a crisis over being single, he prescribes it as medicine for the soul.

This is no chicken soup for the soul where you're given feel good stories . This is a strong medicine laced with bitter truth and potent insights. It's like the blue - red pill offered by Morpheus to Neo.
The choice is entirely yours.

I am giving it as a gift to a grieving friend. When you're broken (hearted, ego, whathaveyou), sometimes all it takes is a paradigm shift to knock some sense into a stubborn-jaded head. And yeah best taken with the universal panacea to anything broken, booze. It’s a bitter-sweet life.

i was

I think this cartoon is very funny and thought provoking.
Only apt, because it's rodin the thinking man right? :D

and it is with great irony that i tell you this.
the man who thought of this creative cartoon is now an "i was" :(

Pulitzer Prize-Winning Cartoonist Doug Marlette Dies at 57

-http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/remember/july-dec07/marlette_07-10.html

i'm itching to write something as witty for my O2.

sense of balance

life is never fair, even if you try to be one.
my phone of 2yrs, number of 6yrs got stolen  from my bag.
you'd think after living for many yrs in this metro jungle, that i've acquired the necessary street smart skills to survive manila.

i used to be a smart subscriber. but now i'm smarter, im globe! :D
time for some changes.
it's now a postpaid line.
i used to hate the monthly obligationn of paying bills.
i didnt like the idea of spending more than i'm able.
call me prudent :D
so having a postpaid plan gives me that temptation to go overboard and a monthly heart attack after i get my bill. hehe.
i haven't seen my bill yet w/c is due end of month.
and i am not monitoring my calls and sms.
so there. welcome to the free world. free now, pay later.

what i'd really like to say is i have a new mobile number : xxxx-xxxg2g.

so while it sucked big time that i've lost my most expensive possession (O2 mini) and my second most expensive (recent acquisition) all in the first half of the year,
i have to see the justice in it all to maintain my sanity.

true, i lost my first ever guess eye glasses with transition lens.
but my frequent headaches due to astigmatism has narrowed down to occasional right-half-head pain that can easily be cured by advil.

i may have lost my sim of 6yrs and pda of 2yrs, but i now have an uber cool number courtesy of globe ;)
plus, an ofcmate is selling his O2 mini (of 2yrs also), for 10k.
i can sell my 3g phone now and buy myself a pda. yahoo! :)
i thought i'd be buying a new phone december or when iphone is finally available in the third world. but patience has never been one of my virtues.

life is still sweet and just after all.

-----------------------------------------
License to Err

kadramahan

this is gonna be melodramatic so be warned!

i've been wandering. and i have been lost.
i got distracted by the seemingly important things in life like maintaining my office slave position (it's a rat race i tell you. you don't know how many aims for the slave stature), trying (and still failing) in becoming a responsible, independent adult (read: domesticated. as in house chores man!).

to successfully do that, i had to (or should i say, i chose to. that hurt! :( )give up some hobbies, like photography, writing and even reading books i like! (that are ofcourse nonwork-related). yeah, yeah. i practically sold my soul.

how do you buy back your soul?

can my hard-earned wage be enough?
**it's friday da sahod day today**

i settled for voyeurism.

but i realized there is no satisfaction much more happiness in that.

it's like watching but not really looking.

i've been too ashamed and yeah, complacent to go back and retrace my steps to you.

and so, it is with ache that i look at you now.
with distant familiarity. like i'm not worthy of your company.
that if i dare look you straight with my eyes, i'd see the piercing hatred and painful abandonment.
and that is why i have probably been avoiding to even scan on you.

it is with longing that i'd like to get to know you again.
to share my recent past, my pain and my soulless self.
i admit this is a cheap shot at making you understand why i left you.
but i pray that with that understanding will come forgiveness.

-- my open letter to firewomyn (my blog, my alter-ego) --


proof that i am trying to go back to my ways:
last pic i've taken:

Sales & Marketing 101

Sum-where? :(

Summer has officially ended.
Sigh.
It rained this afternoon. Hard.
Sigh again.
I've never liked rainy season.
It makes me feel lethargic.
It feels gloomy.
Unless I'm locked in a room with gf and we're watching tv/dvd, eating or cuddling.
Hay sarap :)

Lessons from G(r)ay Matters

We often don't end up w/ our first love. Sad.
But what matters is, we can have a second, a third, and a so on :) hehe.

Sometimes, a kiss is all it takes.
Of course, the body and face where the kiss is coming from matters too :)

Too often, we are the last to know that we are gay.
So never underestimate your friends' or family's gaydar.
Knowing is ok, acceptance from them, well, that's a different matter.

We can be friends to our dumped suitors.
This may seem weird, but it happens...
Once you get over the awkward feeling of guilt as the dumper, and the misery as the dumpee

Be careful of third wheels.
It messes up the signal and diffuses focus.
It also brings forth competition.
So call the third wheel reinforcement only if you don't like the girl.

A matter of fact: naive is cute. Appealing even. :)
Are you familiar with the new cow syndrome?
It says new cows or newly come out gays are the most attractive in the lot.
Something like a potent pheromone. So enjoy it while it lasts. :)

We Matter!

Finally! A mainstream g2g (girl to girl) flick that does not end in violence or tragedy.
*remember Monster? Boys Don't Cry?*

It's about a womyn who discovers one night that she is gay.
One drunken night (where she was sober and the other, above tipsy-below wasted state) in between good nights in bed, their lips ended up touching, then pressing, then probing, then … (this is turning me on. Wehehe).

After a mouthful, deep tongue kiss, the straight girl passes out. And the confused gay-to-be was left stunned at what just transpired.

The gay-in progress walking to and fro still in shock of what happened and more importantly what she felt. Twas yummy in a way that twists your tummy as if a ball of fire slowly builds up from down there going up to your chest. Whew! Whatta-gay-triggering kiss! :D

Gay life is full of drama and complications. I think it's ingrained in our genes. Never boring :)

Twas supposed to be a happy confusion, but only thing is, the girl who woke up the sleeping gay in her is her brother's fiancee.

At this point, I will stop, because I want you all to watch this blog-worthy film :)

In a few days, I'll post more thoughts about it as I don't want to put any spoiler
*in respect to the film I so currently love ;) *


http://www.graymattersmovie.com/

baguio tourism secret revealed!

i never thought it could be this cheap! :0

a fitting pasalubong to my g2g friends. hehe.

Love in transit

meron ako nakatabi sa mrt.
Astig na batang babae.
(i should omit 'batang', it makes me sound like a pedophile. ugh.)
Maganda, may gitara at may manipis na tirintas sa batok na nasa ilalim ng kanyang pony tail.
Kung anu-anong censored na ang naisip ko na ginagawa namen ü hehe.
Buti may dumating na mga taga-cubao, at napasiksik sya sa tabi ko. Hayy, kileg ü

ang tumabi sa kaliwa nya ay isang butch.
nakakatawa. kasi ang itsura namin, ako (femme), sya (na im sure object of our kamanyakan), butch (na umeepal pa, e ako na naunang katabi).

tinititigan ko reflection ng mukha nya sa katapat na window.
*shempre, para hindi naman garapal na manyak ang dating ko. ka-turnoff!*

Maamo na palaban. hmmm... may promise. :D
at ako naman, pademure na pasimpleng papansin.

Super text sya. as in every 5sec open ng cel at reply.
tantya ko, 10 words (in txt lingo) per second sya magtype.
super talented ng kanyang fingers.
totoo talaga, let your fingers do the talking and action!
wehehe. ayan na, kung anu-ano na naman naiisip ko. :D

I think kapuso/n sya.
kickass, pretty, rockin' girl like her, she can't be straight!
*okay, okay, heterophobic comment sya.*

Nasilip ko sa cel nya ang wallpaper nya.
Confirmed! Pic ng butch and pic nya e.
Angswerteng butch naman.
hay. *smitten*

G-ifts

I'm a very generous person.
I like giving to people.
I think I spend more on other people than on myself.
Specially true during Christmas.

Maybe it's the Santa Claus syndrome.
You want to make kids happy and the people you care for feel special.
These can be sweet little stuff that you can just throw up in the air, up for grabs to anyone who wants 'em. Read: meaningful, yet considerably or not pricey.

And then there's the Matrona syndrome.
This is lavishing someone with stuff s/he asks for or sometimes doesn’t ask from you but you think s/he needs or should have. The price oftentimes is incredulous and the only one who thinks it's ok is the matrona in the making.

Santa clause syndrome borders Matrona syndrome when the gift is unreasonable.
Yes my friends, relationships have a price tag.

Here's my relationship-price range:

a. Parents: 5-10k

b. Siblings: 1-2k (can go up as high as 4k depending on your closeness)

c. Jowa (meaning the feeling is mutual): 3-5k (if together for 2 yrs or more, can be as high as 6k)

d. Ex (na ikaw ang nagditch) - 500-1k (dahil may pinagsamahan naman kayo, but largely pampalubag loob for the heartache you gave him/her)

e. Ex (na ikaw ang iniwan for whatever reason) - 5-20 (pambili ng paputok para pasabugin nya mukha nya or pambili ng kape para tamaan naman sya ng kaba sa tuwing may lolokohin/iiwan sya)

f. Super friends (bestfriend level) - 1-2500k (ito yung kahit hindi kayo madalas magkita pero hindi nawawala ang depth of connection)

g. Frienditas (chika friends) - 400-600 (ito yung mga madalas mo makasama kasi madaling hatakin. In other words, mga kaladkarin)

h. Friendly friends (potential fling in the guise of friendship) - 300-500

i. Boss - 300-500 (dahil kailangang sumipsip paminsan-minsan)

j. Ofcmates - 100-200 (dahil kailangang may clout sa ofc kahit plastikan lang)


! Gulat factor: !
I got my first birthday greeting last night.
First kasi way ahead ang greeting nya.
Touched na sana ako, kaso the real deal is, she thought my bday was tomorrow! :D
Nonetheless.
I got my first birthday gift kanina.
First kasi malayo pa ang birthday ko!
Super touched ako kasi, she gave me what I wanted and more! :)

I got a bag-ful of tubaws,
a necklace na pinitas pa daw nya sa pusod ng dagat,
and the best of all that made me smile then laugh … a musical greeting card! --- priceless!!! ;)

ocular experience

Ang sakit ng kaliwang suso ko!
Yan ang gusto ko sabihin para magbiro.
Pero ang totoo, puso ko ang masakit.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Parang pinipiga sa kamao at dumudugo sya.
Habang inuubos ang dugo nya. Sya ding agos ng luha ko.
Hindi ko mapigilan.
Kesyong nasa opisina ako at nasa sasakyan kanina.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Pinasisikip nya ang dibdib ko.
Nahihirapan akong huminga.
Hindi ako kumain mula tanghali hanggang gabi.
Hindi dahil fasting ako kasi ash Wednesday.
Isa itong hunger strike.
Hmp.
Niyaya akong magsimba ni jowa kaso I don’t feel religious today.
Specially when I'm losing my faith.
Winarningan ko rin si jowa na I'll be a lousy companion today.
Kung sigurado syang gusto nya pa rin ako makita after nya magsimba.
At sigurado rin akong pinagdasal ako ni jowa para luminaw ang pag-iisip ko.
Hanggang dyan na lang ang pdeng luminaw.
Kasi ang mata ko, hangga't hindi napapalitan/naibabalik ang salamin kong (tangena!!!!) nawala, ndi na ito lilinaw pa.



Oh Fact!
a. 30 lang grado ng eye glasses ko, prescribed for astigmatism.

b. Guess ang tatak nya. Ang lens nya ay nag-iiba ng shade depende sa lighting condition. So shades/eye glasses sya.

c. Ang salamin na ito ay nakuha ko ng libre courtesy of office optical/medical benefit ko from last year.

d. 3rd choice ko lang sya sa mga nashortlist ko na eye glasses. Top choice ko ay oakley na black rimmed and isa na I can't remember the brand, pero violet rimmed sya. Both are priced at 12k++. Guess ang cheapest. Out of vengeance, I want as replacement, my second choice na violet-rimmed.

So bakit halos maglupasay ako sa pasay dahil sa pagkawala nito?
Meron kasi syang continental value.
Ito ang aking first ever eye glasses.
It took me and jowa 3days back and forth to the malls looking for the perfect eye glasses for me.
Halos tumaas na grado ng mata ko nun kakapili and kakasukat. Susme!
To undergo that same grueling process is something I'm not excited about.


Word of Mouth:

Astigmatism - meron ako nito. Hindi dahil astig ako. Kala ko noon astig ako. Pero nung nangyari 'tong trahedya na to sa buhay ko, isa pala akong marshmallow sa lembot.
Bakit kaya astig-matism tawag sa kanya? Hindi dahil astig ang meron nito. Pero astig sa tindi ang sakit na dulot nito! Masuka-suka ka na gusto mong mag-headbang sa nearest pader.

glass half empty

I am so stupid.
I lost my 2-month old eye glasses worth 9k.
I left it in the cab this morning, when I took it off to fix my hair and placed it on the seat.
It is so far the most expensive stuff I've lost.
I don’t know how to recover from this awful feeling.
Since I've worn that eye glasses, I haven't had headaches anymore.
I have astigmatism.
Now, I have to take advil everyday again.
I'm actually in tears.
And I thought I'm going to be lucky this year as what the chinese new year prophesized.
So much for luck.
It's been countless bad luck since january.
I hate myself.
I hate this life.

work out

i have finally liberated myself from office misery.
i have removed my backlog and sent 'em to my almighty boss, accepting whatever consequence may result.
and it's out there.
no more looking back, just living ahead.
the ball is in his court.

so far, nothing career changing effect has happened yet.
but if ever it does, i'll be okay.

my friend and gf have finally convinced me that it is normal and right to look for other opportunities even if you're still committed to your current work.
i have been battling with that decision for the longest time.
being part of management, i always thought that it is betrayal to seek greener pasture elsewhere when you're still connected with a current job.
that it is unethical.
and the only just way is to officially resign, leave the company, then (only then) hunt for the next job.

but as everyone i know pointed out, reality doesn't work that way.
you only leave once you have secured yourself with a new job.

is it just me or them?

i have staunchly tried to be firm about my beliefs.
but as i continue to be unhappy and restless, the prospect of a new beginning, a reset, is twisting my hard held notions on work ethics to bend with reality.

each day that i say my mantra, 'may mas okay pang iba', i get more convinced.

this ethical dilemma at work makes me wonder if the same applies in relationships.
i have always been the type who never gives up, until the other person gives up on me. i am this stubborn and dreamy and stupid a lot of times.

i always hoped that things will turn out ok in the end.
at least you can't blame me for not trying.
that's why when it ends, it truly is the end. no encore, no ellipsis.
it is with finality and no turning back.

thus, i can't apply the common rule that 'you must first have a fallback before leaving the present' in my relationships.
i'm into single-minded approach.
in other words, naka-helmet ako.

you can say, my values are the same when it comes to work and relationships.
i struggle and do my darn best to make things work, exhaust all options to save and stay.

and if after everything i still fail, i leave.
carrying no baggages, just memories and lessons learned.




parting shot: in organizing my messy life, i started with something doable and achievable. like my desk. my favorite school/ofc supplies, pens and pencils! :)
this is my first time to have a pen/cil holder. and i've ached between transparent plastic theme or aqua. color won over. so i'm planning to have aqua theme on my table :) in time for summer. hehe.

btw, in case you're interested, learned this in "how to simpify your life" by tiki kustenmacher.

para sa mga single

believe in love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance,
and have faith that in this love there is a strength
and a blessing so large that you can travel
as far as you wish without having to step out it.

-rainer maria rilke
letters to a young poet

law of love

Isa ako sa mga biniyayaan ng pag-ibig.
Punung puno ako ng pag-ibig.
Kung pde lang ito ipamahagi sa lahat ng babaeng nakilala ko, ginawa ko na.
Kaso contrary to the gospel, love is selfish.
It is territorial.
At dahil dyan, kahit gusto kong magshare ng aking puso, ndi pde.
Kasi may nagma-may-ari na nito.
Hay, napakaswerte nya!
Sana alam nya yun! :D
Never ko naisip na ako ay submissive type.
Pero sa aming dalawa, feeling ko sya ang batas.

case 1:
An hr before lunch
Gf: may lunch kme ng barkada ha.
Ako: (sa isip ko: !@#$%^&*!!!!) ok. *sabay tahimik na lang*
ang style, papaguilty. Kaso minsan, ndi umeepek. Waaapak!
Gf: naiinis ka ba?
Ako: hindi. Ok lang ako. *sabay haba ng ilong ko. Amplastik! Tangina.*
Gf: naiinis ka eh.
Ako: *natural!!! Pagpalit mo ba naman ako sa barkada mo eh. Amp!* ok nga lang sabi ko. *ngingiti ng pilit*
Verdict: sya ang batas

case 2:
Ako: maaga ako uuwi.
Gf: may gym ako e.
Ako: ok
Gf: maaantay mo ba ako?
Ako: try ko. Text text na lang
Gf: gusto mo ba antayin kita?
Ako: *ofcourse da corrs!* sana.
Gf: sige, ndi na ko magggym.
Ako: agahan mo na lang gym mo.
Gf: ung aero na gusto ko an hr after pa e.
Ako: magweights ka na lang muna
Gf: o sige na nga.
Verdict: ako ang batas. Hehe.

So sino ang batas sa min?
Pareho pala kme. Depende kung sino ang tinatamad maki-argue.
Sya kasi, ndi na nagtatanong.
Ako nagcoconsult pa.
Infairness naman, alam na nya kung ndi ako natutuwa sa sinabi nya. Pero tinatry pa rin nya just in case makalusot. Ako, may tendency na ipilit gusto ko.
Wala lang, minsan gusto mo lang mag-inarte at masunod minsan. Hehe.
I guess, love ang batas at kme ay law-love abiding citizens :)
So may justice pa rin in the law of love.
hay, ang korni ko.

my brutal truth

How do I begin when my career feels like ending?
Mistakes are hard to swallow, much more if other people points it out to me.
*goddamn pride*
With so many errors committed,
I don't know how to redeem myself.
"good to great" book says confront the brutal facts,
And have the optimism that things will still turn out ok.
Gulp!
I pray its gospel is true or applies to my predicament.
3 months from now will be m evaluation again.
I already know that it won't look good.
Just worrying abt it gives me nightmares and tension already.
I'm scared. Ashamed. And face flat on the floor down.
Sabi nila, when you're down, there's no way to go but up.
Sounds easy specially when you spit that quote to another person.
But when it's myself down there, I feel lost.
How can I move up when I feel paralyzed in this quagmire?
I'm trapped in a state of negativity which is causing my depression.
How I wish nagyoyosi ako or tumotoma, that way I can just smoke or drink away this suffering.
I'm scared. I'm ashamed. Down. And I need help..
I'm writing in my newly bought notebook.
It's a cheap shot for a restart.
I don't smoke nor drink (heavily).
But I write. Occasionally.
On moments of depression, desperation, inspiration.
2 out of 3.
That's why it has to be a new notebook. :)

out with it

wrote this last month...

How can you know someone loves you and yet not feel it?
Does love have to be a regular feeling?
Is it true what they say that if it's fleeting it's not love?
Damn! I'm in my longest relationship and I'm shit scared.
It seems along with the years, the combustion of passion and mind blowing feeling of deep emotion and physical attraction is slowly being exhumed.
I hate this.
It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, only thing is, it's your life you see scene after scene as tragedy is about to set in.
Ohgosh.
I've intentionally avoided writing about this or really thinking about it bec by doing so, I'm recognizing the validity and existence of the problem. Our problem.
I don't feel loved. At times.
She's not that romantic anymore, nor adventurous.
She's settled.
Dammit, that's supposed to sound good right?
But it doesn't feel good I tell you.
Being settled means you stop trying.
It's tantamount to complacency.
Even laziness!
Geez.
Am I just being demanding?
I want the world. Her heart and soul and guts and blood and all the dark and carnal desires or thoughts she has.
I sure hell deserve that.
I don’t want us to be polite.
I want us to be inlove. Fighting, arguing about the most mundane of things, then kiss and make wild love make up after. laughing about our silliness and idiosyncrasies. dreaming about the things we very hope for, however unrealistic they are.
I don't want us going to the motion of being a couple equating to monotony and passiveness.
Siguro kulang lang ako sa s-x.
I gotta pee.

a month after, a pee, and some uhmph, it's a whole different story.

where are you?

I havent seen you in a while that you almost feel like a stranger to me.
It's been a long while. How have you been? What have you been up to?
I missed you, you know.
I don't feel your warmth anymore.
It's like you've been crazy busy, yet, you look lifeless.
I wonder why.
Why don't you speak to me?
Do you still want me?
If only I can reach you and hug the life back to you.
Why are you giving up?
Where's the faith?
And the courage?
You said before that I'm your passion.
What happened to that profession of love and deep feeling?
Was it just a fleeting emotion?
I'd very like to hate you.
And leave you.
But I can't.
I just forgive you.
For all your weakness.
For all your mistakes.

*conversation with my writer self*

florita, glenda

sunod sunod na bagyo.
mistula nang bugbog sarado.

kelan ba hihinto?
bakit laging ganito?

ilan ba ang dapat isakripisyo?
kaydami nang yumao.

kawawa na ang mga tao.
nanghihina sa pagkahapo.

umaasang magbabago.
at aalis ang dayo.

pero sa huli'y iiwan tayong talo.
basa, lubog, sugatan, wasak at ndi buo.

Lez Go!

The L Word Night Season 3 - Party for A Cause

An All Womyn Dance Party
when: June 30, 2006, 9pm. open bar 9-11pm.
where: Athena Plaza Bldg., Eastwood City, Libis

Ticket price: P250

http://www.purpleplanetonline.ph.tc/

*by some weird technical glitch nadelete ung entry ko na to. kaso outdated na yung iba, so ito na lang tinira ko*

ah basta!

basta may tulay, may pulubi.

basta may coffee shop, may EB.

basta may badtrip, may LQ.

basta may gym, may gay.

*may madadagdag ba kayo? :) *

Sunday morning

singing a diff tune now :)
in short, bati na kami :)
making up.
making love.


Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?

grrrr!!!!

Lokohin mo na lasing, wag lang ang bagong gising.
Pero may mas masahol pa dyan.
Mambitin ka na sa lahat, wag lang sa tutut!
Kahit pipi mapapamura pag ginawa mo yun.
Tangina.
Andaming nagkakarandapa sa 'king makipag-tutut!, tapos jowa mo, dalawang beses ka bibitinin?!
Take note ha, 2x!
Abuso na to.
Sawa na ko sa kamay ko.
Ayoko na rin pumunta sa bahay nila at makipagkwentuhan sa pamilya nya.
Ayoko na ng pleasantries.
gusto ko bastusan naman.
Tangina talaga.
Grabe, never ko naimagine na cause for break-up pala ang tutut!!
Parang ambabaw di ba?
Baka isipin nyo nympho ako.
2mos na kayong ndi nagtu-tutut!.
makatarungan ba yon?!
Kung ayaw nya ng tutut!, pwes ako gusto ko.
ngayon, kung sa akin nya ayaw makipagtutut!, e di makipagbreak sya!
Pakshet.
Fuck you!
Mali pala.
Dapat .. Fuck me!

cr moment

there's a pretty tall girl in the ofc who commented to me (as i was fixing my hair):

tall & pretty: i always like your outfits. *i can swear she said this soo sensually, voice trailing as she entered the cubicle*
me: .. and i've always liked you. *wink*

of course that comment I just gave came from dreamland.
my back-to-earth reply was a gulp and, "gee, thanks." with a shy smile. *magpa-girl daw ba?!*

at home

when i was younger, having a dysfunctional family is ok.
it borders 'cool' zone.

but as you mature and all your friends seem to have progressed,
you develop impatience with your family.
and then tolerance grows thin.

ever got the feeling or thought that you're the only sane and normal member of your family?
i do.
and it is beating the life and optimism out of me,
knowing that i don't have the power to change them,
much more correct things for myself.

my depression roots from helplessness and self-pity.
i have recently been late from work bec of the early morning bickerings at home abt nonsensical stuff.
like who is better than the other.
i just want to bang their heads on the wall and knock some sense into them.
bec none of them is actually any good!
and yet they have the gall to compare against each other. pathetic.
superiority complex of the underachiever.
a congenital disease of our clan.
it pains me to hear the exchange of insults and the disrespect to an older sibling and to my mom.
bec all of them are self-righteous, no one admits defeat and passes the blame to everyone except the self.
self-righteousness seem to run in the blood, our second inheritance.
when do i escape this quagmire?
i fear that if is stay any longer with them, that i'll soon be like them.
of the same blood, of the same mold.
ultimate defeat.
oh god.
somebody rescue me.. :(