a father and the pader in between

My father and I are not close. Notice that I didn't post any father's day entry. A friend, when I texted happy father's day to her dad replied with "hug your dad for me". Sorry dude, but I don't think you'd want to go near mine if you experienced the kind of non-father that he is.

Days after that, I chanced upon a father's day treat on TV. I just got out from the restroom and saw the show on my parent's room (their room doesn't have a door, just a curtain as some form of divider). Tatay was watching the show. Am not sure if he is aware that am also watching. Divided by a wall and a slightly parted curtain, we sort of watched the father's day treat together. I got emotional and cried involuntarily as I witness the closeness of a son and his dad. My tatay is such a cry baby on tearjerker shows and I am sure as I am gay that he was also crying while watching the scene. This is one of those rare "bonding" moments  for us, both feeling the same, though divided by a wall, a curtain and years of disconnect.

I was thinking, why I am so affected when all I feel for my tatay is far from fatherly. Then I remembered.

There was a space and time in my childhood when I loved my father and really looked up to him. When I was very young, I often ask his help on a lot of things. I particularly remember an art project whom I had difficulty with and wasn't able to finish because I fell asleep on the table already. I suddenly woke up in the morning alarmed, because I know for sure I don't have a project to submit. Just when I was about to panic, after squinting my eyes, there on my table, was the completed project!

My eyes lit up with glee and gratitude as I picture in my head my tatay toiling with my project till early morning just to finish his firstborn's school project. And I felt loved by my tatay then. That moment was so sacred that the love I felt then is surprisingly still accessible up to now.

As I untangle the mess of an emotional wreck that I am, a radical thought occurred. Maybe I don't hate my father that much after all. Maybe at the very bottom of all the scars of violence, of the high pile of disappointments, of the deep seated anger is a pea of a love that survived and remained uncrushed.

We don't celebrate or do father's day. We're not hypocrite enough to even greet him happy father's day. The day just comes and goes like any other day.

But maybe it's time. A belated father's day something for tatay doesn't seem to be a very bad idea.

priceless father and child scene in the train.
he was on the all female cabin of the train so i know how he loves his child for ignoring the discomfort and uneasiness of the surprised women. cheers to you!!!


Anonymous said...

ay pareho pala tayo ng drama..kahit di naman kayo nagkikibuan e mahal ka pa rin ng tatay mo.. i remember the worst time namin mag ama e nung ako ang pinasahan nya ng obligation sa bahay.. dark days ko iyun.apart pa yun sa time na muntik na nya ako saksakin kasi gusto ko na mag drop out sa school (o drama di ba?).. but kahit na ganun, i cannot hate him. ang problema lang hindi ako expressive.. kahit ke inay..madami nga nagsasabi na we should express our love to our parents while they are still with us...kaso, bato as i am, i cannot do it..ewan ko ba? para kasing nababaduyan ako....twistedhalo

Anonymous said...

hmmm... okay kami nung tatay ko noon pero nung nagkaron na sya ng ibang pamilya, parang hindi na kami nag-e-exist... namimiss ko sya minsan pero pag naiisip ko yung mga kahayupang pinag-ga-gawa nya, nawawalan na ko ng gana... sabi nila yung mga lumalaking walang father figure/supportive na tatay eh mga malalambot ang tuhod at mahihina ang loob... siguro nga... drama? haha... - knowmehateme

Anonymous said...

maybe your father is not that expressive as he should be but i know he loves you dearly. -w1cked.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I'm always present in your blog but i'm too shy to comment.

last father's day I remember my youngest brother who died last feb. while on sleep. He left 2 young kids (3y/o and a 6mos. old baby) :( I saw his happiness when his two kids was born and his perseverance in work just to support his family. Though he didn't get a degree, he make sure to get a decent job for his family. He rarely ask something from me for himself, he always ask my financial support if this will concern his children. I miss him....I know he will be a good father and a provider to them. -shygirl-

firewomyn said...

@twistedhalo - madrama din ang life mo ha. am relaxing with my anger with him so in my not so obvious ways, i show that i somehow care also. mahirap lang maging consistent kasi may mga ginagawa pa din syang badtrip.

@knowmehateme - hay, kanya kanya talaga tayo ng kwento at hinagpis sa buhay. pero hindi ako naniniwala na mahina tayo. siguro mas maunawain lang.

@shygirl - wow, thanks for coming out to comment and for following this blog. :) your brother is a good father indeed. and all his good deeds have been well planted to the family he left behind. he is lucky to have a caring sister like you. so cheers to you too! =)