6.28.2010

in the heart of mecca





















i realized that i've been trying to save the world. i thought i can do it all - save my family without losing my sanity. the scary part is, i'm failing at both. now here i am, barely at my wits' end to make them happy. i have done a lot for them. but they want so much more, beyond from what i can give.

last night, despite the exhaustion, i had difficulty sleeping. i woke up drained, empty, sleep deprived. i just went through the motion of things and prepared for work in auto-pilot mode.

in the mecca of commuters (lrt of course. hehe), crushed by all the people desperate to get in the train, i had an epiphany. i can't guarantee to fit everyone inside the train, only myself. the same manner i can't save my family, only myself.

thus, my quest to save the world is an epic failure to begin with. more so because i almost lost myself in the process. at the end, being saved is a personal decision. one must want to be saved first.  so i will stop my audacity or should i say foolish notion of satisfying all their needs. i will instead accept that i'm human with no full control of others, only myself. i will save myself first, because i badly need saving  now.

i will help people within my full capacity (nothing beyond that). and i will be happy with myself at whatever i'm able to achieve. if ever my family would demand more from me, i would simply go to my closet and reaffirm to myself that i own no superhero outfit, much more possess superpower.

in the heart of my very own mecca, i finally found my peace. =)

*thanks to the support of my friends here, the anonymous unlimited, my other friends & my gf *

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

very well said..

-shygirl-

Anonymous said...

Amen :)
more power to you.
- the anonymous

Anonymous said...

congrats to your realization.. as you get older, you will learn to let go of some ideals.. i had a friend once who told me that i should not try to save the world kasi i should save myself first.. and that before looking for a Meaning in life with a capital M, i should start with looking for a meaning with a small m. don't worry about your family they will still love you for who you are even if you cannot give all their wants..do not demand something from your limited self because everyone is limited.. just try to be happy all the time..look at the brighter side of things..you'll be good eventually... twistedhalo

firewomyn said...

@shygirl, the anonymous - thank you! *muah!* :)

@twistedhalo - thanks for that uplifting message. i actually feel light these days. the tears and problems must have weighed me down

Lakwatsera said...

I had the same realization the first time I boarded a plane. Ang policy sa eroplano, alagaan mo muna ang sarili mo bago asikasihin ang iba. Especially during emergency situations,iligtas mo muna ang sarili bago ang iba. A simple yet powerful realization, indeed. - Eloy

firewomyn said...

@Lakwatsera/Eloy - first off, inggit ako sayo kasi well traveled ka. ako, never been out of the country. financially incapable to do so. sigh. now that's out of the way, i agree, simple yet powerful. how come i often think that everything is hard. prolly bec laki ako sa sandamakmak na hirap. hehe.