all in my head

erratic. another word is inconsistent. that's what i've been lately. one moment i feel like bursting with so much to share, the next breath am as disoriented as one recovering from a coma can be.

work has been disappointingly consistently too much. not stressful. it's just the volume is chin high as i waddle my way to breathe and make each deadline. now that i have reached that prestigious height of busy-ness, my boss hinted that i may finally get an above average rating for my suicide workload. but then so are the rest, so she tells me to be on my toes.

i have been upfront with boss since early this year. i need more money. which her boss mentality translated to more work. the equation is simple. more work, means more money. less years in mortality yeah, but more money. the wisdom boss shared is, you can have a lot, but can't have it all. argh.

i hate her. she's rich. she has 2 cars, she's religious, she's smart, she has this very nice family by society's standard, she has beautiful, smart, spoiled kids, she's very good in her work, and she is admired by most of the people at our work. she and her family breathe aircon air. each of her kids have yaya. she's nice. she's also pretty. yes, i hate her.

when i told her that what i earn is not enough for my and family's needs. she said that maybe i need to adjust my lifestyle. i wanted to scream at her calm, poise face. i have a life, not style! and then she goes thru the motion of extracting from me where else can i cut corners. there is nothing else to cut in my life without making it a confetti!

then she does the empathy approach. yeah i can also feel that it's specially harder these days. like our money's never enough as compared to before.  it's exhausting. it's ears-bleed. she is a boss who wants to keep an employee but can't give what the employee needs. i am the unfortunate needy employee who's not getting the answer i need. this is the reality of management-employee relations.

i've been checking other opportunities, but none yet that offers better than what i have. so am in a rotten rut. welcome to my world.

*******

i have been on and off sick last week. i have this very demanding headache that's been pestering me for a week now. Friday, i asked for a pain reliever from our nurse. by the time i was about to take it, the pain subsided. wow. amazing, i inwardly thought. the next day and for the next three days after that, after headache's initial hesitation, it realized we're soul mates and decided not to leave me. it made its feelings felt by throbbing non-stop. and i alternated mefenamic acid with ibuprofen and sleeping in between. and you know what, am soo tired of sleeping only to wake up with pain. sabi nga nila, ang sakit ng headache ko.

like any other people suffering from debilitating, helpless condition, i opted for the alternative too. i massaged my head with no-approved-therapeutic-claim oils. i pinched pressure points on my palm to distract my mind from the pain in my head and channel it to the pain on my hand. only to end up with two pain areas to worry about. i pulled my hair because it might help. took a bath more often within a day and even put ice on my head in the hope to release the heat trapped in my head.

i felt very temporary relief or was it distraction? but the pain would still bounce back in increasing crescendo. and i would be immobilized. all i needed was paper towel wrapped around me and i would pass up as a mummy already with all the lying down and no moving i did. totally un-fun.

after fashioning mummy and doctor quack-quacking myself for days, i skipped work and finally went to the doctor today. while in the cab and in terrible pain, i considered heading straight to ER.but the image of people with chopped, bleeding limbs, patients and families of patients howling, women in huge shirts with no bra underneath or men in their boxers, hair in disarray, the drama, scared me more. so reason ruled over and  i patiently waited in line from the hmo room.

luckily, the same doctor who prescribed me before with a headache/pain drug that caused me to be nauseous in the grocery, barely making it home and had me puke my guts out, was the one assigned to me again. we have a history so to speak. hehe.

he assigned me a stronger anti-migraine medicine. translation, more expensive drug. for the longest time, i have refused to call this thing for what it is and simplified it as headache or severe headache. i don't want to have migraine. i don't want to be a cliche.  a woman who works in a stressful high profile multinational company and has migraine. and of course, i'd like to believe that what i have is not as worse as that. i actually don't know what's worse. to be in pain or to be a cliche. i think it's the latter. ugh.

i quickly bought the medicine (it's P250 per tab. now that's painful). looked at the box, "anti-migraine". omg, it's official. i have migraine. *thunderclaps*

was it psychosomatic or denial? but suddenly, my head cleared a tiny bit. i do have 2hr-window to take the drug. if i take it after two hours of headache, alright, migraine, the effect would not be as significant. 5minutes to 2hrs, i popped the bitter pill while in the cab. got home and slept for 2 hours.

i woke up. the pain on my right eye down to my right nape is gone. but wait, i have some sort of head spasm on my left head. bleh, i think it's from bloated vein from oversleeping. hehe.

been three hours now and my head is clear. am lucid enough to write this lengthy kwento about my ordeal. as what i told a friend, "baka hindi naman ako mahilig magsulat. mahilig lang ako magkwento". =)