G-ifts

I'm a very generous person.
I like giving to people.
I think I spend more on other people than on myself.
Specially true during Christmas.

Maybe it's the Santa Claus syndrome.
You want to make kids happy and the people you care for feel special.
These can be sweet little stuff that you can just throw up in the air, up for grabs to anyone who wants 'em. Read: meaningful, yet considerably or not pricey.

And then there's the Matrona syndrome.
This is lavishing someone with stuff s/he asks for or sometimes doesn’t ask from you but you think s/he needs or should have. The price oftentimes is incredulous and the only one who thinks it's ok is the matrona in the making.

Santa clause syndrome borders Matrona syndrome when the gift is unreasonable.
Yes my friends, relationships have a price tag.

Here's my relationship-price range:

a. Parents: 5-10k

b. Siblings: 1-2k (can go up as high as 4k depending on your closeness)

c. Jowa (meaning the feeling is mutual): 3-5k (if together for 2 yrs or more, can be as high as 6k)

d. Ex (na ikaw ang nagditch) - 500-1k (dahil may pinagsamahan naman kayo, but largely pampalubag loob for the heartache you gave him/her)

e. Ex (na ikaw ang iniwan for whatever reason) - 5-20 (pambili ng paputok para pasabugin nya mukha nya or pambili ng kape para tamaan naman sya ng kaba sa tuwing may lolokohin/iiwan sya)

f. Super friends (bestfriend level) - 1-2500k (ito yung kahit hindi kayo madalas magkita pero hindi nawawala ang depth of connection)

g. Frienditas (chika friends) - 400-600 (ito yung mga madalas mo makasama kasi madaling hatakin. In other words, mga kaladkarin)

h. Friendly friends (potential fling in the guise of friendship) - 300-500

i. Boss - 300-500 (dahil kailangang sumipsip paminsan-minsan)

j. Ofcmates - 100-200 (dahil kailangang may clout sa ofc kahit plastikan lang)


! Gulat factor: !
I got my first birthday greeting last night.
First kasi way ahead ang greeting nya.
Touched na sana ako, kaso the real deal is, she thought my bday was tomorrow! :D
Nonetheless.
I got my first birthday gift kanina.
First kasi malayo pa ang birthday ko!
Super touched ako kasi, she gave me what I wanted and more! :)

I got a bag-ful of tubaws,
a necklace na pinitas pa daw nya sa pusod ng dagat,
and the best of all that made me smile then laugh … a musical greeting card! --- priceless!!! ;)

ocular experience

Ang sakit ng kaliwang suso ko!
Yan ang gusto ko sabihin para magbiro.
Pero ang totoo, puso ko ang masakit.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Parang pinipiga sa kamao at dumudugo sya.
Habang inuubos ang dugo nya. Sya ding agos ng luha ko.
Hindi ko mapigilan.
Kesyong nasa opisina ako at nasa sasakyan kanina.
Ang sakit sakit nya.
Pinasisikip nya ang dibdib ko.
Nahihirapan akong huminga.
Hindi ako kumain mula tanghali hanggang gabi.
Hindi dahil fasting ako kasi ash Wednesday.
Isa itong hunger strike.
Hmp.
Niyaya akong magsimba ni jowa kaso I don’t feel religious today.
Specially when I'm losing my faith.
Winarningan ko rin si jowa na I'll be a lousy companion today.
Kung sigurado syang gusto nya pa rin ako makita after nya magsimba.
At sigurado rin akong pinagdasal ako ni jowa para luminaw ang pag-iisip ko.
Hanggang dyan na lang ang pdeng luminaw.
Kasi ang mata ko, hangga't hindi napapalitan/naibabalik ang salamin kong (tangena!!!!) nawala, ndi na ito lilinaw pa.



Oh Fact!
a. 30 lang grado ng eye glasses ko, prescribed for astigmatism.

b. Guess ang tatak nya. Ang lens nya ay nag-iiba ng shade depende sa lighting condition. So shades/eye glasses sya.

c. Ang salamin na ito ay nakuha ko ng libre courtesy of office optical/medical benefit ko from last year.

d. 3rd choice ko lang sya sa mga nashortlist ko na eye glasses. Top choice ko ay oakley na black rimmed and isa na I can't remember the brand, pero violet rimmed sya. Both are priced at 12k++. Guess ang cheapest. Out of vengeance, I want as replacement, my second choice na violet-rimmed.

So bakit halos maglupasay ako sa pasay dahil sa pagkawala nito?
Meron kasi syang continental value.
Ito ang aking first ever eye glasses.
It took me and jowa 3days back and forth to the malls looking for the perfect eye glasses for me.
Halos tumaas na grado ng mata ko nun kakapili and kakasukat. Susme!
To undergo that same grueling process is something I'm not excited about.


Word of Mouth:

Astigmatism - meron ako nito. Hindi dahil astig ako. Kala ko noon astig ako. Pero nung nangyari 'tong trahedya na to sa buhay ko, isa pala akong marshmallow sa lembot.
Bakit kaya astig-matism tawag sa kanya? Hindi dahil astig ang meron nito. Pero astig sa tindi ang sakit na dulot nito! Masuka-suka ka na gusto mong mag-headbang sa nearest pader.

glass half empty

I am so stupid.
I lost my 2-month old eye glasses worth 9k.
I left it in the cab this morning, when I took it off to fix my hair and placed it on the seat.
It is so far the most expensive stuff I've lost.
I don’t know how to recover from this awful feeling.
Since I've worn that eye glasses, I haven't had headaches anymore.
I have astigmatism.
Now, I have to take advil everyday again.
I'm actually in tears.
And I thought I'm going to be lucky this year as what the chinese new year prophesized.
So much for luck.
It's been countless bad luck since january.
I hate myself.
I hate this life.

work out

i have finally liberated myself from office misery.
i have removed my backlog and sent 'em to my almighty boss, accepting whatever consequence may result.
and it's out there.
no more looking back, just living ahead.
the ball is in his court.

so far, nothing career changing effect has happened yet.
but if ever it does, i'll be okay.

my friend and gf have finally convinced me that it is normal and right to look for other opportunities even if you're still committed to your current work.
i have been battling with that decision for the longest time.
being part of management, i always thought that it is betrayal to seek greener pasture elsewhere when you're still connected with a current job.
that it is unethical.
and the only just way is to officially resign, leave the company, then (only then) hunt for the next job.

but as everyone i know pointed out, reality doesn't work that way.
you only leave once you have secured yourself with a new job.

is it just me or them?

i have staunchly tried to be firm about my beliefs.
but as i continue to be unhappy and restless, the prospect of a new beginning, a reset, is twisting my hard held notions on work ethics to bend with reality.

each day that i say my mantra, 'may mas okay pang iba', i get more convinced.

this ethical dilemma at work makes me wonder if the same applies in relationships.
i have always been the type who never gives up, until the other person gives up on me. i am this stubborn and dreamy and stupid a lot of times.

i always hoped that things will turn out ok in the end.
at least you can't blame me for not trying.
that's why when it ends, it truly is the end. no encore, no ellipsis.
it is with finality and no turning back.

thus, i can't apply the common rule that 'you must first have a fallback before leaving the present' in my relationships.
i'm into single-minded approach.
in other words, naka-helmet ako.

you can say, my values are the same when it comes to work and relationships.
i struggle and do my darn best to make things work, exhaust all options to save and stay.

and if after everything i still fail, i leave.
carrying no baggages, just memories and lessons learned.




parting shot: in organizing my messy life, i started with something doable and achievable. like my desk. my favorite school/ofc supplies, pens and pencils! :)
this is my first time to have a pen/cil holder. and i've ached between transparent plastic theme or aqua. color won over. so i'm planning to have aqua theme on my table :) in time for summer. hehe.

btw, in case you're interested, learned this in "how to simpify your life" by tiki kustenmacher.

para sa mga single

believe in love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance,
and have faith that in this love there is a strength
and a blessing so large that you can travel
as far as you wish without having to step out it.

-rainer maria rilke
letters to a young poet

law of love

Isa ako sa mga biniyayaan ng pag-ibig.
Punung puno ako ng pag-ibig.
Kung pde lang ito ipamahagi sa lahat ng babaeng nakilala ko, ginawa ko na.
Kaso contrary to the gospel, love is selfish.
It is territorial.
At dahil dyan, kahit gusto kong magshare ng aking puso, ndi pde.
Kasi may nagma-may-ari na nito.
Hay, napakaswerte nya!
Sana alam nya yun! :D
Never ko naisip na ako ay submissive type.
Pero sa aming dalawa, feeling ko sya ang batas.

case 1:
An hr before lunch
Gf: may lunch kme ng barkada ha.
Ako: (sa isip ko: !@#$%^&*!!!!) ok. *sabay tahimik na lang*
ang style, papaguilty. Kaso minsan, ndi umeepek. Waaapak!
Gf: naiinis ka ba?
Ako: hindi. Ok lang ako. *sabay haba ng ilong ko. Amplastik! Tangina.*
Gf: naiinis ka eh.
Ako: *natural!!! Pagpalit mo ba naman ako sa barkada mo eh. Amp!* ok nga lang sabi ko. *ngingiti ng pilit*
Verdict: sya ang batas

case 2:
Ako: maaga ako uuwi.
Gf: may gym ako e.
Ako: ok
Gf: maaantay mo ba ako?
Ako: try ko. Text text na lang
Gf: gusto mo ba antayin kita?
Ako: *ofcourse da corrs!* sana.
Gf: sige, ndi na ko magggym.
Ako: agahan mo na lang gym mo.
Gf: ung aero na gusto ko an hr after pa e.
Ako: magweights ka na lang muna
Gf: o sige na nga.
Verdict: ako ang batas. Hehe.

So sino ang batas sa min?
Pareho pala kme. Depende kung sino ang tinatamad maki-argue.
Sya kasi, ndi na nagtatanong.
Ako nagcoconsult pa.
Infairness naman, alam na nya kung ndi ako natutuwa sa sinabi nya. Pero tinatry pa rin nya just in case makalusot. Ako, may tendency na ipilit gusto ko.
Wala lang, minsan gusto mo lang mag-inarte at masunod minsan. Hehe.
I guess, love ang batas at kme ay law-love abiding citizens :)
So may justice pa rin in the law of love.
hay, ang korni ko.

my brutal truth

How do I begin when my career feels like ending?
Mistakes are hard to swallow, much more if other people points it out to me.
*goddamn pride*
With so many errors committed,
I don't know how to redeem myself.
"good to great" book says confront the brutal facts,
And have the optimism that things will still turn out ok.
Gulp!
I pray its gospel is true or applies to my predicament.
3 months from now will be m evaluation again.
I already know that it won't look good.
Just worrying abt it gives me nightmares and tension already.
I'm scared. Ashamed. And face flat on the floor down.
Sabi nila, when you're down, there's no way to go but up.
Sounds easy specially when you spit that quote to another person.
But when it's myself down there, I feel lost.
How can I move up when I feel paralyzed in this quagmire?
I'm trapped in a state of negativity which is causing my depression.
How I wish nagyoyosi ako or tumotoma, that way I can just smoke or drink away this suffering.
I'm scared. I'm ashamed. Down. And I need help..
I'm writing in my newly bought notebook.
It's a cheap shot for a restart.
I don't smoke nor drink (heavily).
But I write. Occasionally.
On moments of depression, desperation, inspiration.
2 out of 3.
That's why it has to be a new notebook. :)

out with it

wrote this last month...

How can you know someone loves you and yet not feel it?
Does love have to be a regular feeling?
Is it true what they say that if it's fleeting it's not love?
Damn! I'm in my longest relationship and I'm shit scared.
It seems along with the years, the combustion of passion and mind blowing feeling of deep emotion and physical attraction is slowly being exhumed.
I hate this.
It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, only thing is, it's your life you see scene after scene as tragedy is about to set in.
Ohgosh.
I've intentionally avoided writing about this or really thinking about it bec by doing so, I'm recognizing the validity and existence of the problem. Our problem.
I don't feel loved. At times.
She's not that romantic anymore, nor adventurous.
She's settled.
Dammit, that's supposed to sound good right?
But it doesn't feel good I tell you.
Being settled means you stop trying.
It's tantamount to complacency.
Even laziness!
Geez.
Am I just being demanding?
I want the world. Her heart and soul and guts and blood and all the dark and carnal desires or thoughts she has.
I sure hell deserve that.
I don’t want us to be polite.
I want us to be inlove. Fighting, arguing about the most mundane of things, then kiss and make wild love make up after. laughing about our silliness and idiosyncrasies. dreaming about the things we very hope for, however unrealistic they are.
I don't want us going to the motion of being a couple equating to monotony and passiveness.
Siguro kulang lang ako sa s-x.
I gotta pee.

a month after, a pee, and some uhmph, it's a whole different story.

where are you?

I havent seen you in a while that you almost feel like a stranger to me.
It's been a long while. How have you been? What have you been up to?
I missed you, you know.
I don't feel your warmth anymore.
It's like you've been crazy busy, yet, you look lifeless.
I wonder why.
Why don't you speak to me?
Do you still want me?
If only I can reach you and hug the life back to you.
Why are you giving up?
Where's the faith?
And the courage?
You said before that I'm your passion.
What happened to that profession of love and deep feeling?
Was it just a fleeting emotion?
I'd very like to hate you.
And leave you.
But I can't.
I just forgive you.
For all your weakness.
For all your mistakes.

*conversation with my writer self*

florita, glenda

sunod sunod na bagyo.
mistula nang bugbog sarado.

kelan ba hihinto?
bakit laging ganito?

ilan ba ang dapat isakripisyo?
kaydami nang yumao.

kawawa na ang mga tao.
nanghihina sa pagkahapo.

umaasang magbabago.
at aalis ang dayo.

pero sa huli'y iiwan tayong talo.
basa, lubog, sugatan, wasak at ndi buo.

Lez Go!

The L Word Night Season 3 - Party for A Cause

An All Womyn Dance Party
when: June 30, 2006, 9pm. open bar 9-11pm.
where: Athena Plaza Bldg., Eastwood City, Libis

Ticket price: P250

http://www.purpleplanetonline.ph.tc/

*by some weird technical glitch nadelete ung entry ko na to. kaso outdated na yung iba, so ito na lang tinira ko*

ah basta!

basta may tulay, may pulubi.

basta may coffee shop, may EB.

basta may badtrip, may LQ.

basta may gym, may gay.

*may madadagdag ba kayo? :) *

Sunday morning

singing a diff tune now :)
in short, bati na kami :)
making up.
making love.


Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?

grrrr!!!!

Lokohin mo na lasing, wag lang ang bagong gising.
Pero may mas masahol pa dyan.
Mambitin ka na sa lahat, wag lang sa tutut!
Kahit pipi mapapamura pag ginawa mo yun.
Tangina.
Andaming nagkakarandapa sa 'king makipag-tutut!, tapos jowa mo, dalawang beses ka bibitinin?!
Take note ha, 2x!
Abuso na to.
Sawa na ko sa kamay ko.
Ayoko na rin pumunta sa bahay nila at makipagkwentuhan sa pamilya nya.
Ayoko na ng pleasantries.
gusto ko bastusan naman.
Tangina talaga.
Grabe, never ko naimagine na cause for break-up pala ang tutut!!
Parang ambabaw di ba?
Baka isipin nyo nympho ako.
2mos na kayong ndi nagtu-tutut!.
makatarungan ba yon?!
Kung ayaw nya ng tutut!, pwes ako gusto ko.
ngayon, kung sa akin nya ayaw makipagtutut!, e di makipagbreak sya!
Pakshet.
Fuck you!
Mali pala.
Dapat .. Fuck me!

cr moment

there's a pretty tall girl in the ofc who commented to me (as i was fixing my hair):

tall & pretty: i always like your outfits. *i can swear she said this soo sensually, voice trailing as she entered the cubicle*
me: .. and i've always liked you. *wink*

of course that comment I just gave came from dreamland.
my back-to-earth reply was a gulp and, "gee, thanks." with a shy smile. *magpa-girl daw ba?!*

at home

when i was younger, having a dysfunctional family is ok.
it borders 'cool' zone.

but as you mature and all your friends seem to have progressed,
you develop impatience with your family.
and then tolerance grows thin.

ever got the feeling or thought that you're the only sane and normal member of your family?
i do.
and it is beating the life and optimism out of me,
knowing that i don't have the power to change them,
much more correct things for myself.

my depression roots from helplessness and self-pity.
i have recently been late from work bec of the early morning bickerings at home abt nonsensical stuff.
like who is better than the other.
i just want to bang their heads on the wall and knock some sense into them.
bec none of them is actually any good!
and yet they have the gall to compare against each other. pathetic.
superiority complex of the underachiever.
a congenital disease of our clan.
it pains me to hear the exchange of insults and the disrespect to an older sibling and to my mom.
bec all of them are self-righteous, no one admits defeat and passes the blame to everyone except the self.
self-righteousness seem to run in the blood, our second inheritance.
when do i escape this quagmire?
i fear that if is stay any longer with them, that i'll soon be like them.
of the same blood, of the same mold.
ultimate defeat.
oh god.
somebody rescue me.. :(

first official womyn crush

who made my day?

i just saw at mrt my first ever womyn crush.
err, yeah, tisay (coming out entry) is my first butch crush that i acknowledged and made me a convert.

but p.e. teacher is the first womyn that caught my attention then.
ok, attention is too light a word.
p.e. teacher is the first womyn whom i actually surprisingly, secretly got attracted to.

why not, she's the only visible lesbian in school then.
and a teacher at that.
and is uber cool too. :)
running in short shorts all the time w/ well-toned legs to die for.

she's been the buzz for a few weeks when she first came.
the incredulity of the conservatives! and she was even rumored to have a student gf.
looking back now, w/ her smart head, killer looks and a body to crave for,
im sure, she had loads of virgin offerings from smitten girrrls then,
including me. :) bwehehe.

i even fantasized (details: censored) abt her while taking a nap at our hiking activity.
ofcourse, dahil ako ay nagpapanggap na straight pa lang noon (pretending to be straight then), i dispelled that thought and totally forgot abt it until now.

i think she's still really hot.
very athletic and exudes inner power to make you submit to her :D
the years had only made her look wiser and stronger.

there i was in the middle of the throng of overflowing people in mrt (train),
staring at her, feeling college foolish, smitten, all over again.

sigh...

like humans do

i accidentally heard this song.
didnt even know it was in my playlist!
duh! it's funky and as the song goes, I'm a lovin it ;)

ever since i transferred to my new work, i can say that i'm now living like humans do. :) hehe.
i'm a work slave no more :)
gosh! i'm so happy to be alive and inlove! :)
thank you dear lord for the rehabilitation :)

i confess, i'm a workaholic warrior w/ a killer work before!
an agile funds-deprived intl security software house.

now? i'm still my old workaholic skin, but with a healthier work envt :)

as i said, i'm in rehabilitation, so still adjusting to the less stressful life.
imagine the foolish me, stressing over not being that stressed.
i hope im not hopeless. :D


-----------
Like Humans Do
David Byrne

For millions of years, In millions of homes
A man loved a woman, A child it was born
It learned how to hurt and it learned how to cry
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin

Like Humans Do
(2x)

I work & I sleep & I dance & I'm dead
I'm eatin, I'm laughin & I'm lovin myself
We're eatin' off plates and we kiss with our tongues

Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do
(2x)

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do
(2x)

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip Inside this funky house
Wiggle while you work
Anybody can
The rain is pourin in on a woman & a man

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out Oooh

me and my crazier grrl friends :)

friend X:
a friend of mine broke up with her student gf because she was borrowing 300pesos from
her. she felt used somehow.

couple of months later after the breakup, it is her ex's bday and this friend of mine is saving up to buy her ex a gift.

the ex wants a 30k phone. ofcourse my friend won't give the 30k! instead, she's giving a 20k worth of celphone. in friendship terms.

geez. how sweet. and i countered, hey! im also your friend, am i not worth 20k? :D

friend X is evolving to become a matrona.

ugh! *peace!*


friend Y:
she denounced being straight after her 3rd heartache. this melodramatic decision(buckets of tears in their house) was highlighted w/ a promise to her mom that she'll try to 'straighten' her life. Then

3mos of silence later, she announces her 4th gf! Great! ü

finally over.

bad trip days are finally over.
long walk.
lengthy talk.
deep kiss.
steamy sex.
hayy..

we're back to our so-inlove-can't-live-without-you status :)
welcome to happy days. :)

*thanks to you know who you are for the swell advice.

badtrip pa rin

*this is the reason behind the bad day song in the previous post*

nakakatamad pumasok
wala akong kagana-gana
merong kumukurot sa dibdib ko.
tinulog ko na nga, ndi pa rin nawala.
parang wala na kong pakialam.
di bale nang ma-late.
umabsent na lang kaya ako.
tangina, ndi pde.
ndi pa ko regular.
ndi ko sha itetext.
yoko muna shang makita o makausap.
sa ofc muna ko kakain ng mag-isa.
sasabihin ko mago-OT ako, kasi ayoko sha makasabay umuwi.
gusto ko munang umiwas.
sana matuloy sha sa badminton nya, para ndi na kme magkita pa.
hay.
angsaket.
andami ko pa namang baong pagkain, pero wala naman akong gana.
isa pa uling hay..
sana wala akong mtg, para sa table ko lang ako.
ndi ko trip makipag-usap kahit kanino.
magi-ear phones ako at magpapatugtog ng malakas.
sana makapagtrabaho ng matino.
ang panget ko today! syeeet!
nakalimutan ko pang magpulbos.
ang oily na siguro ng face ko.
kainis.
5min to 12 na, ndi pa ngtetext ang mokong na yun ah.
dedma. ndi ko sha itetext.
anong gagawin ko pag niyaya nya kong kumain na?
sasabihin ko may tinatapos pa ko.
mauna na lang sha, ndi ako makakasabay.
pano 'tong pagkain ko?
ndi pa naman ako pdeng magpagutom sabi ng acupuncturist ko.
past 12 na ah, ndi pa rin nagtetext.
tangina.
sige, ganyanan na.

*nagring ang phone*
jowa: pde ka na maglunch?
ako: pde na.
jowa: may baon ka?
ako: oo.
jowa: kain na tayo.
ako: ok.

pakshet!!! *sabay hampas ng laptop sa ulo ko*
pangatlong hayyy...
ndi talaga ako magaling magdahilan.
nakng! umoo pa rin ako sa yaya ng taong dahilan ng pagsisintir ko.
lech!
ainakow!
magpapa-late ako.
ndi muna ako aalis agad.
bahala sya maghintay.
alis ako after 5min pa.

*matapos ang mainit na lakarin papuntang ofc nya*

jowa: amina dala mo.
inabot ko naman dala ko.

ayoko sana, pero ndi ko alam pano tumanggi w/o being too obvious.

*syet! ang submissive ko, sunod naman ako*

tahimik lang ako.

jowa: ba't ang tamlay mo?
ako: mejo masama pakiramdam ko *biglang haba ng ilong ko at sinampal nito ang pagmumukha nya!*

pagdating sa kainan.
wala pa rin ako mashado imik.

uwian na.
sinundo nya ko sa ofc.
jowa: galit ka ba sa kin?
ako: *deny to death* ba't naman ako magagalit sayo? *sabay tawa ng fake*
jowa: sigurado ka?
ako: oo.
jowa: hinawakan kamay ko.

sa bahay.
ndi ako makatulog.
binabagabag pa rin ako ng mga denials ko na 'i'm ok'.

i was hoping kasi na sya na magkusa na magsorry.
na alam & conscious sha na nasaktan nya damdamin ko.
pero it seems dedma ang lowlah nyo.
either, dense sha, OA ako or ndi na nya ko labs! waaaaah!!!! :(

dahil kailangan ko nang ilabas ang saloobin ko.
nagcompose ako ng madamdaming text.

asa bed na ko.
i wana feel better na :(
pag may dinadamdam ang puso, dama ng buong katawan.
lamu, i love you e.
pero sometimes you hurt me.
siguro unknowingly.
last night, the way you talked to me wasn't nice.
demeaning.
i dunno if it's bec of pride, pero i was hurt.
bakit ako sad?
i feel down.
i don't feel confident kaya siguro unproductive ako sa work.
gusto ko sana indahin na lang kaya tinulog ko na lang.
pero it's still there when i woke up.
i hope by telling you this, will make me feel better na.
i love you.

bad trip day

Bad Day
by daniel powter

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that wrong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

bag story

my gay friend invited me to buy bags and stuff at an ukay-ukay store near his ofc. he's been bragging abt great finds he's had there. and he's begging me to buy another ofc bag as replacement to the one he bought for me. he keeps saying to me, "ano ka ba ate, sylvia santos man, nalalaspag din pag inaaraw-araw!"

he's been asking me to go since last wk, but i just couldn't.
since i had an early start that day (7am!), i can leave early.
so 5:30pm, i left the ofc.
i was happy that time bec my boss, remarked that i did a good job. and when i told him i'm going, he just said, 'ingats' w/c in retrospect, he never said before until then.

my friend said, i'll need around P500.
i only have 500 in my wallet.
i withdrew from the bank another 500, which i placed in my pocket.

i'm not that familiar with the place, so i had to ask around.
when i finally reached the place near pasong tamo, my friend, who's a frequent buyer of that ukay-ukay store instructed me
that I just leave my stuff at the reception area along with his.
trusting him, i put my bag, my baunan, and my jacket.
i left my celphone clipped on my pant's waist bec gf might call or sumthin.
so we went on choosing and fitting.
i noticed that most of the people who go there were not ofc people.
the place is kinda humid, so i took my scrungies from the pocket of my jacket at the reception area.
then went back to shopping.
after an hr, we're done and was abt to pay.
when i had to get my stuff, all's there except my bag!
i didn't panic, thinking that it could be just at the receptionn table beneath the clothes and other stuff.
but after checking, it's truly missing!
so i began to consider the unthinkable.
omg! where's my bag?
where did you put it?! i demanded.
the receptionist, who's supposed to be on the lookout for our things,
said she thought i already took my bag, when i went there earlier.
but i only took my scrungies! just that. and i only touched my jacket, not the bag, explaining to her w/ exasperation.
then doing some thinking, at the speed of 1byte per 2min, she said with conviction, the gay and the preggy girl must have taken it.
bec they didnt stay long and just sped off after getting something at the reception area.
owkei, a gay and a preggy girl. that's a stretch. i stand dumbfounded and helpless.
gay friend's speechless.
bec he's always put his stuff there. along w/ his friends whenever they go there.
the receptionist also countered that this is the first time that this happened.
and i barked, tangina naman e, this is also my first time to go to an ukay-ukay store. why me?! *thunderbolts sound effect*

i suddenly realized, dear god! good thing i always have my phone attached to my body, otherwise,
i would have been in jail by now for the murder of either the receptionist or my gay friend!
or it could be a massacre out of temporary insanity, stabbing people in the ukayukay store w/ hanger hooks!
this tragedy is really crazy.
i have my celphone, so i had to call someone and share this burden.
gf first. whom i rarely don't go anywhere without, unless we have individual socializations, like now.
needless to say, she's mad. bec it's a stupid mistake to entrust your bag in an ukay-ukay store!
she made the ukay-ukay word sound really really sleazy (imagine dark alleys and icky men).
i admit, i'm no street smart, just smart, as in corporate, mall, acedemic smart.
heck! i don't even know how to commute to my ofc w/o taking a cab!
ofcourse, after all her hisses and incredulity that her street smartness still hasn't rubbed off on me after more than a yr of hanging out with her,
she had to end it with grrrr!!!!!
and a commandment: though shall not go to ukayukay ever again. hehehe.

the receptionist, was just repeatedly muttering i'm sorry in an insincere tone.
and i'm sounding estranged to it all every second that's lapsing.
at the end, i had to ask, who's accountable to the loss of my stuff?
somebody has to take the blame.
i need a neck to choke.
but before i can physically hurt anyone,
the receptionist, volunteered to pay 4k, from her salary (given the estimates i listed) and gave the ukay-ukay clothes (i was supposed to buy) for free.
it's no consolation.
but better than zero.

what's in the bag?
1500 worth of ofc id's and keys
500 money
my guess wallet (sentimental worth: gift from my sister last xmas)
around 1k worth of makeup
toiletry bag from thailand (sentimental worth: another gift from my sister on her trip to that land)
a 256kb thumb drive (of my gf, sentimental worth: her first acquisition on her first trip to thailand)
2 memory cards (64mb and 16mb)
my priceless old ids (from previous companies i worked for)
and the bag itself is worth 1k (sentimental worth: gift of my bestfriend for my new job).

it started with a bag, and ended with no bag! :(
sob.

pebrero at pag-ibig

ang pebrero ay tunay na panahon ng pag-ibig.

dalawang beses tumibok ang puso ko sa buwang ito.

ang una ay ang payapang pintig na parang mahinahong alon sa dapitahpon.
yan ang pag-ibig ko sa aking iniirog na kasintahan.
hindi kami lumabas nung araw ng mga puso,
kasi nagdiwang kami nito ng mas maaga :D iwas sa trapiko.
masaya kami. hindi kami nag-aaway, minsanang tampuhan lamang
na masakit din kahit paano, pero mabilis namang naaayos :)
matampuhin kasi ako at sya'y alaskador na numero uno.
sabay kaming nagtatanghalian at umuuwi.
hindi ako sumasakay ng fx, pero dahil kasama ko naman sya,
panatag ang loob ko.

noon, ang tingin ko sa pag-ibig ay nakakapraning.
sa aking opinyon, kung hindi nakakabaliw ang emosyong nadarama,
hindi ito tunay na pag-ibig.
paniwala ko dati, ang pag-ibig ay masidhi, malalim at mainit.
ito ay puno ng umaatikabong pagniniig, maiinit na sagutan/diskusyon,
minsan pa nga ng marahas na pag-aaway, ng nagbabahang luha at pagsasakripisyo.
siguro dahil ay melodramatiko lang ako,
kaya ganun ang larawan ng pag-ibig sa akin.

ang una kong babaeng minahal ay naging ganon ang aking karanasan.
umabot na kami sa kawalan ng katwiran at hindi maayos na kalusugan.
sa araw-araw na iyakan, sumbatan at sigawan.

sabi nila, kung kanino ka daw pinaka-nasaktan,
yun daw ang pinakaminahal mo.

bakit natin lagi kinakabit ang sakit sa pagmamahal?
na para bang pag hindi ka nasasaktan o umiiyak sa karelasyon
ay hindi na ito pag-ibig?

ah, isa itong mahabang usapin at debate na nangangailangan
ng maraming serbesa o kape.

ang ikalawang tibok ng aking puso ay kamakailan lamang.
nang muli akong nagkaroon ng panahon na manood ng mga tinatawag na pelikulang "indie".
ito ay ang mga likha ng estudyante ni ricky lee sa kanyang klaseng scriptwriting.

kolehiyo pa lamang ako ay manghang-mangha na ako sa
pelikula, pagsulat at paglikha.

aktibo ako sa mga grupong ganoon ang sinusulong.
pero dahil na rin sa ibang uri ng trabahong napasok ko (IT)
at pagiging abala sa mga deadlines, meetings at kung anu-anong asikasuhin,
naisantabi ko ng matagal ang isa sa mga "passion" ko.
hanggang nga nitong kelan lamang ay
muli kong binabalikan ang aking unang pag-ibig.

simula pa lang ng palabas, ay sumisikip na ang dibdib ko sa nadaramang pinaghalong saya at sentimyento.
pano ako nabuhay ng matagal na panahon na hindi ginagawa ang tunay na hilig ko?
kahanga-hanga ang mga taong nagbigay-buhay sa mga maikling pelikulang pinanood ko.
dahil sinunod nila ang tibok ng puso nila.
may nakita rin akong mga kaibigan na patuloy na binubuhay ng kanilang sining.
gusto ko silang yakapin. ang saya ng aming pagtatagpo :)

ngayon, muling tumitibok ang puso ko.
dahan-dahan hanggang sa naging malakas at mabilis na kabog ito sa aking dibidb.
puno ito ng pangungulila. ng panghihinayang.
ng pagnanasa. ng pag-asa. ng kaligayahan.

unti-unting binubuhay ang matagal kong isinantabing pag-ibig.
pinangako ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na muli iiwan ang aking unang pag-ibig. yayakapin ko na sya ng mahigpit at hindi na pakakawalan.


maraming mukha ang pag-ibig.
may payapa at simple.
may masidhi at nakakapraning.
may iniiwan at binabalikan.

ang mahalaga ay patuloy tayong nabubuhay ng dahil sa pag-ibig :)

ZsaZsa Zaturnnah!

from da komiks: Ang kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran ni ZsaZsa Zaturnnah.

to da musikal: ZsaZsa Zaturnnah Ze Musikal


played by: Eula Valdez, from idolo ng telebisyon, to bagong superhero ng mga bading :)


da poster:




da superhero: pose1 (eula valdez)





da superhero: pose2





da superhero: pose3





da parlorista & reluctant superhero




da parlorista, da superhero, and da creator!




da creator, da kontrabida & da super sidekick

walk the line

i dragged my gf to watch this film, because it's nominated at the oscar's.
and critics say joaquin phoenix is the dark horse in the best actor race.
i have this gut feel that he will bag it.
i don't even know johnny cash.
but i know joaquin and how powerful his acting can be.
i'm just amazed how he landed such challenging roles even though he has 'pingas'.
if he's in the phils, he wouldn't have a chance! you know how perfectionist pinoys are when it comes to artista looks.
first time i saw him was as a sexually hungry boy for nicole kidman (To Die For).

imperfections can be sexy.
it's that unique something to a person that makes anyone extraordinary.

anyway, going back to the film.
this film moved me.
such deep love for someone.
after marriage, kids, divorce,
stardom and downfall,
drug addiction and poverty,
true love just persists.

something worth fighting and living for (not dying for).

excuse me

why can't we give this excuse for not coming to work?

i can't go to work today.
i'm not feeling well.
i have a broken heart :(

don't they know (or why won't they acknowledge the fact)
that the hurt of the heart is way painful
than the ills of the body.

brokeback mountain love

"You can never categorize or stereotype a region or a place.
People fall in love, period," Ang Lee said backstage.
"This is a universal story ... I just wanted to make a love story."






director of golden globe best pic, Brokeback Mountain

big boss(om)

i have a new work. neat.
but the disturbing part is, i think the Big Boss is girl-to-girl!

and because my gaydar's flashing all the lights in wangwang tune,
it's hard to see her the same professional way again.

everytime she talks to me or we're in a meeting,
the idea of shagging her keeps creeping in my mind!
*i'm in deep trouble!*

she's so tough and mataray to me.
but the more she wants me to fear her,
the more she gets stripped in my mind! :D
it is like a feeling of alternate reality.
she's the boss at work, but i'm her goddess in bed :D
ok, ok, this is more of a fantasy :)
she's kinda chubby, which can only mean ... bigger bosom!

and so each time i see her,
my gaze, as if pulled by gravity falls lower from her stern face down to her seemingly oh-so-soft *gulp!* breasts!
and the more she covers her body with suits and pants,
the more thrilled i am at the thought of what's underneath!
*i'm soo dead.*

ofcourse, no one knows at work that i dig womyn.

in my previous jobs, it used to be my ex-bosses having the hots for me.
ohdear, i think i have a theory.
is it because all my past bosses were men?!
and now, faced with a powerful womyn boss, the reverse is what's happening?
geez, come to think of it, this is my first time to work for a female boss.
ohgosh, that explains it.

surviving nbi clearance

after soo many yrs, i had to get my nbi clearance.
hay, the price of going legal.

sabi ng kapatid kong pasaway, mabilis lang daw yun.
as in 1 hr lang daw!
sasamahan daw nya ko.

at shempre, dahil umiral na naman sa 'kin ang lapot ng dugo,
naniwala naman ako.

at ano pa nga ba, shempre, mali sha!

kelan ba naman may mabilis sa govt institution?!
at kelan naman gumising ng maaga ang kapatid kong tamad?!

so ito ang aking nbi ordeal.

first off, lrt route.
manageable ang pila, so keri lang.

baba daw sa carriedo.
ok.

pagdating ko doon, andaming anak-pawis!
as in amoy pawis din! ugh!

ako po'y aanga-anga sa mga masisikip na daan,
so super Q&A portion kme ng mga manong guard at manong pulis.

across the street, ayus! lapit lang lakarin.

*** diyan po nagwakas ang maganda kong disposisyon ng lunes ng umaga ***

sa daan pa lang papuntang nbi bldg, nagkalat na ang piracy!
in loud speakers pa ha. itaguyod ang piracy! battlecry ng underground economy.

pagtuntong na pagtuntong ko sa NBI Clearance bldg, sa baba pa lang ng escalator (bongga rin ha, may escalator), puno na ng tao, sa ungodly hr na 8:30am!

ang lola nyo ay nagsumiksik sa escalator at nakaabot ng 2nd floor.

meron dun matrona looking babaeng flat-chested na nagmamando sa pila.
okey fine, gumalang tayo ndi lamang sa nakakatanda, pati sa mukhang matanda!

"ate, san po yung dulo ng pila?"

"ano ka ba, renewal or registration?"

"registration po."

"ainako, hanggang labas na ang pila. sundan mo na lang yang paikot-ikot na yan."

ang sungeet!

ako'y makati girl, so ndi ako papatol sa isang carriedo oldie! amp!

sa madaling sabi, sinubukan kong hanapin ang dulo ng walang hanggan.

habang binabaybay ko ang prusisyong ndi umuusad, andaming nang-aalok na fixer.

"mahaba ang pila, gusto mo ng mabilis? 1hr lang."
"miss, kmi na lang mag-aayos ng papeles mo."
"nbi clearance ba? sunod ka sa min."

gosh! ganito pala feeling ng dinidimonyo!
andaming bumubulong sa 'yo,
habang nangangalay na paa mo kakalakad
at pinapawisan ka na sa sa inet.

may mga boyz na nakyutan siguro sa ken at pinapasingit ako.

ako'y matuwid na tao (err, sa prinsipy po, pro ndi po ako straight sa preference),
so tinaggihan ko ang indecent proposal ng gusgusing mama.

san ako napadpad, sa kakasunod ko sa pila?

tangenang pakshet, nakarating ako sa EXIT!!!

ang haba ng pila ay mula 5th floor pababa, hanggang sa labas na ng bldg!
omg!

isang oras na walang nangyayari.
isang timbang pawis.
isang kilong mikrobyo.
isang varicose vein na tumubo.
isang pulgadang libag sa balat.
isang tuyong lalamunan.
isang kamaong kabog sa dibdib
at isang phonecall.

firewomyn: "ndi ko na kaya dito..."
gf: "kaw bahala.. ingat ka dyan ha."
firewomyn: "opo."
gf: "sigurado ka na sa gagawin mo?"
firewomyn: "opo :( "

balik sa exit, kinaausap ang guard.

"manong, pag nagpafixer ba sigurado?
as in makukuha agad?"

"oo ma'am. gusto mo ibigay kita sa kakilala ko."

"sige. saan?"

lakad sa masisikip na pasilyo.
may kinausap ang guard.
pag tingin ko sa kausap nya na madaling lumapit sa kin,
tumambad sa kin, si matrona looking babaeng flat-chested na unofficial OIC ng pila.
omg again! ganito pala ang lumunok ng prinsipyo.
pakiramdam mo binebenta mo ang sarili mo sa dimonyo.

hay, this must really be hell...

i was guided sa gilid ng bldg, kung saan may opposing rows of chairs.
at doon tumambad sa kin ang dami ng taong tulad ko ay nagpailalim sa illegal na transaction.

nakakbigla din kung gaano sila kaorganize at kasigurado sa mga kilos na sila. sanay na sanay kumbaga.

P300 ang total na bayad sa fixer, on top of the P135 "official" processing fee.

ito ang "process":
1. pauupuin kayo.
2. hihingan ng id, to check your full name.
3. you will pay P125 for the registration form.
take note, lahat ito may resibo. kaya malinis.
4. aakyat ang representative ng fixers sa 4th floor, didretso sa mga kakutsaba rin nila na nbi employees. sa gitna ng pila, didiretso sila sa tao sa loob ng windows/counters.
right before the eyes ng mga nakapila ito ginagawa. *the nerve di ba?! kumbaga sa commercial ng vaseline, "ang KAPAL!"
5. pagbaba nila, dala na ang forms
6. ididistribute sa 'ming mga 'customers' ang registration form.
7. fifill-upan namin ang form.
para mabilis, pinapalagay na first time na maga-apply.
ndi na rin papalagyan ng nickname/alias.
8. iaakyat uli ng representative para pa-process sa mga nbi employees.
ang kaibahan ng form na ito sa ipinila ay, imbes na stamped ang OR #, ito ay in the form of a barcode sticker, pre-generated.
9. bababa uli ang rep, at ididistribute uli ang stamped forms namin.
at this point, hihingan na kme ng P300 pesos.
may kaunting briefing, para synchronized ang action pag-akyat sa taas.
a. susunod lang sa rep hanggang 3rd floor.
b. dadaan sa exit stairs.
c. pagdating sa 4th floor, dumiretso kme dapat sa window 5.
10. window 5 is verification part na ng form.
sa part na ito ng nbi clearance process, 10-15 people per line na lang.
*dito sa window na ito, habang papalapit na ko sa harap, ko nakita kung panong nagpapasingit ng mga papeles ang nbi employees. as in biglang paghihintayin ang mga nakapila, para "unahin" iyon.
11. window 6, finger and hand printing.
medyo mabilis na dito, kasi nakapagtatakang around 8-10 ang officials na naghahandle nito. samantalang sa mga windows kung saan pinakamahaba ang pila ay 3-5 tao lang.
sa window na ito (although wala namang window, kasi mga small tables lang ito w/ high chairs for the nbi employees), automatic na hihingan ka ng P2 para sa swipes, pamunas ng nadumihang kamay from the printing. ndi ito optional ha, kasi for a first timer, you'd think that it is part of the process talaga.
but the truth is, pde ka namang magdala ng pamunas. or dapat part ito sa free services ng nbi.
12. window 7, picture taking.
simple lang ito, pose ka lang, then shoot, kasi digital imaging.
ang nakakapikon kayua sya tumatagal is, humihinto ang nagpipicture, kasi may sisingit na naman na mga papeles na nde nagpersonal appearance, sa halip pictures lang na isscan sa nbi paper.

ambilis ng karma talaga, kasi yung ilan sa mga isiningit na papeles ay mga kasama ko sa baba. this works for renewals. syempre, ndi ako makapagreklamo kasi, kasama ko din sila na nakipagkutsaba sa fixer. victim din ako ng sarili ko. ansama ng pakiramdam.

13. next window, final process, inaalam na lang kung may kapareho ka ng name or may kaso ka. at kamalas-malasan nga naman, napaka-unusual na ng name ko, may kaduplicate pa! o, sumpa ng karma! at kahit anong pilit ko na ipadouble check, ndi nila gagawin. single-minded approach lang sila. hay.

sa madaling sabi, i have to go back after 3 days! it's hell all over again.
so much for paying fixers di ba?!

siguro ito na ang kabayaran sa ilang taon kong ndi pagrerehistro.
parusa na naman. hayy...

to earn good karma points, here are some:

survival tips at nbi clearance:

1. information is the key!
talk only to official nbi employees, only those behind the window counters.

2. never go there on a monday. friday is the best day to go.
pinakakonti ang tao, promise :)

3. call the ofc before goin there.
clarify, if you are eligible for a renewal instead.
bec renewals are a breeze, can be done at the malls w/ nbi posts.

4. bring fan, water, food, black ballpen, alcohol/hand sanitizer w/ towel or tissue, money in 100s, 50s, 20s and coins, and loads of patience.

these will be your survival kit.

if i were to do it all over again, i won't go for a fixer.
i would have done it smarter and fair :)

flower (dis)arranging 101

okay, i finally had the chance to give flower arranging a shot :D
my family went to cavite to visit my sister who gave birth dec5.
i had a quick stop at dangwa to buy flowers.
i just wanted to buy vibrant flowers in yellows and oranges.
but mahirap makapili ng ibang type of flowers kasi limited choices dun,
so i went for the classic type, roses :)
dahil en route to cavite lang, nagdrop-by ako sa dangwa, while the cab is waiting with my family inside, super madali ako sa paghahanap,

*commercial muna*
habang reckless na tumatawid, a guy joined me and muttered,
"mag-iingat ka sa pagtawid, sayang ka."
dahil ako'y natural na masungit, i just gave him the 'look' and dedma na.
then habang namimili na ko flowers, nakabuntot pa rin sha!
he's askin me if i wana join pinoy big brother show.

dunno if u've heard of it (those not in pinas),
pero reality show sha where people live in the same house,
with cameras all over. sobrang popular nya dito (import from holland).

shempre, dedma pa rin ako sa guy.
then he said, cameraman daw sha sa channel 2.
and that was the last straw! ako'y kapuso! makachannel7 :D
so i finally told him, "hindi po," at tuluyan na kong nagwalkathon.
*end of commercial*


so nakabili ako ng tig-150 pesos na 1 dozen flowers (yellow, and orange respectively).

pagdating sa cavite, nanghingi agad ako ng vase sa sister ko,
at shempre, ang swerte ko talaga, kakabasag lang ng maid nya ung vase nila.
so , nanghiram na lang ako ng pitsel.
ayun, mega-gupit, at hugas.
habang ang familia ay nagkakainan at tinatawanan lang ako.
siguro naweirdohan. kasi ndi naman talaga ako mahilig noon sa bulaklak, much more mag-arrange!
shempre, ang lowlah nyo, ndi nagpa-apekto at talagang kinarir ang paga-arrange.
kumbaga, pride na lang ito.
pinagtatawanan na nga ako, tapos pag pangit pa kinalabasan,
e baka humagalpak pa sila ng tawa at maging family joke na ko till new year.
oo, pride na ito! :D

so here's firewomyn's flower arranging 101

1. ndi pala madali ang flower arranging!
in da first place, kaya ako naengganyo, kasi una, mahal ang magpa-arrange and feeling ko, madali lang sha gawin!
shempre, mali ako! :D

2. dangwa is not dat mura
kaya ako dun nagpumilit bumili, kahit far flung, kasi tingin ko mura.
kasi mukhang poor ang place, so siguro naman cheap ang tinda.
pero, sa halagang P150 per dozen, mas mahal sha ng P30 sa flowerdepot.com sa makati.
dun nakaref pa ang flowers. yun nga lang, tiis ng konti kasi masusungit ang tao dun :D

3. may daya sa dangwa.
kasi ung nakaplastic na bulaklak na akala mo ndi pa namumukadkad,
e dinaan lang pala sa higpit ng tali,
para magmukhang bud pa lang.
pero pagtanggal mo ng balot,
mejo full bloom na at nagpipeel off na ibang petals.

4. at dahil nakatali, nde na naiinspect ang leaves.
in short, ang poor ng leaves ng nakuha ko.
mejo may spots, sign of unhealthy growth.
baka kinapos ng vitamis or sunlight :D lol!
so better go for open flowers na pde mo talaga
inspectionin na parang specimen under a microscope.

5. roses are sweet, pero matinik sha ate!
as in masakit. so dapat nakagloves.
super dami kong natrim off na leaves ng flowers.
at super gupit din ako ng thorns.
madami din yun ha.

6. dapat marunong ka ng kaunting geometry.
kasi mejo may mga angles, and symmetry chuvanes,
to achieve the so-called style.
so pag kina-cut na, dapat navisualize mo na sa isip mo,
para pag cut mo ng stems, considered na yung height pati leaves.

7. perception is not mathematical
kung akala mo ang dami na tingnan ng dalawang dosena
(kasi nga nung bata tayo, masaya na tayo sa 3roses),
hindi po.
kasi after ko sha gawin, nakontian ako sa 2 dozens, ndi kasi siksik.
at doon ko narealize ang importance ng "fillers".
ung mga kung anik-anik na dahon at nagliliitang bulaklak na walang bango.
*pasensha na at greenhorn, so ndi ko pa alam names ng mga iyon*

8. at the end of it all, rewarding ang flower arranging.
sa una, oo, mejo mapapangitan ka sa gawa mo, kasi ganun naramdaman ko.
pero dahil ito ay iyong creation, masarap na sha titigan,
para bang slowly falling inlove *kilig!*
kasi naturally magaganda naman ang flowers.

9. ang pinakamasarap gawin after flower arranging?
magpicture taking! wehehe. posterity.
o di ba, 2-in-1 hobby, flower arranging & photography :)

Love is a Language

11.23.05
By L. A. Vess

"Love is a verb," my partner is fond of saying. It is a lovely thing to hear, but exactly does “love is a verb” actually mean? When my partner says it, she means that love is not a static thing; it changes, grows, evolves and require constant action to keep it alive. But what if love is something even more than a verb, perhaps it is a language in which the verb 'love' is just a punctuation, an exclamation point?

Out of curiosity - and on a philosophical bent - I decided to explore.

Dictionary.com was my first hit in the wonderful wild world of the Internet. These are the first three (and relevant to this discussion) definitions provided for 'love'.
"love" - noun

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair.

Love as a noun is so all-encompassing. Reading this, you can only think that too much responsibility has been given to this one little four-letter word. No wonder so many people have a hard time recognizing the emotion, or believing in it or explaining it. The English language has limited a wealth of human emotion to expression in just one tiny word. You can hardly expect anyone to be able to adequately use this noun as anything more than a simplified and generalized description of a concept too vast to be truly explained by anything so small.

"love" – verb

The definitions are generally the same - except here 'love' is used toward a person or a thing rather than as a description. Hence the verb form.

Basically, "To experience deep affection or intense desire for another." On the surface, that sounds pretty good. Of course, then you have to really sit back and think how many times you say "I love soccer" or "I love beer" or "I love that I finally fixed the faucet that was dripping and driving me nuts."

How can we justify using the same word to express how we feel about beer to express an intense and powerful connection to another human being? I think we have come to far from the origins of this word.

In ancient mythology, love was a being - a God or Goddess, Eros or Venus (among a multitude of others). When the ancients spoke of 'love', I am highly doubting they used their version of the word to describe how much they enjoyed having two cows instead of just one. No, love was 'divine' and to be in love; to love or be loved - was to be touched by the divine. Not in current times - not when 'love' is used as a word to describe a lack of points in a tennis game.

Even worse, the divinity of the word 'love' has been degraded into a base usage to define simple physical acts that often have nothing to do with actual 'love'. Take WordNet's synonym list: [syn: make out, make love, sleep with, get laid, have sex, know, do it, be intimate, have intercourse, have it away, have it off, screw, fuck, jazz, eff, hump, lie with, bed, have a go at it, bang, get it on, bonk]

Now, that just makes me feel dirty to even think the word.

A friend of mine who was very bitter over a 'love' affair said one of the most amazingly contradictory phrases that really gets my point across. She said, "God, I love to hate her!" - referring to her ex-girlfriend. Several months later she pointed out a site to me, an Acronym Finder, that had created what to her was the perfect acronym for LOVE. Loss Of Valuable Energy.

We are so jaded about 'love'. With all this, is it any wonder?

So are we to give up on the term completely? Try to find some other word to express a powerful emotion that seems so difficult to tack down? Maybe go back to Greek forms or try out synonyms from native languages? Or should we just give in and accept that the word has lost all real meaning and hope that those we 'love' will understand what we are trying to say when we use it?

Love is a verb.

I have decided to choose to embrace it as such. However, not as its traditional 'verb' definition. Yes, my definition includes all of those things Mr. Webster (or Dictionary.com) says. Mine is more, however. My definition is to let the word 'love' be undefined. I refuse to impose restrictions on it or burden it with more than those little four letters can handle. I leave it up to interpretation - mine and those I give that word to. When I say 'I love you' - it is a verb, and a noun - and an exclamation point. It is just one tiny tip of an iceberg of emotion that cannot be expressed by mere words. It is only one simple word in a language that goes by the same name.

Love is a language.

Of touch, of breath, of sound and of silence. Love is a language of kisses and long, slow looks that last for hours. It is a multitude of meanings expressed in moments of unreality and reality - finishing each others' sentences and being unable to speak. Love is in laughter and in quiet tears that can't be helped when your lover is flying away for the first time. Love is all of this and all of us; and so much more - it has no limits and no firm rules or definitions. Love just is.

kwentuhan over cocktails

conversation among my womyn friends who doesn't know anythin bt my sexuality.

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
it is so hard to find good men in the phils, i may end up being dyke soon!

well-travelled american IT professional:
(after staying for almost a yr in the phils to work)

if i stay longer in the phils, i think i'm gonna 'switch'.
there's just no good filipino men here. even the americans who go here only go here for the sex tourism.

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
that's so true.
whenever i'm in the US, i meet so nice men (both pinoy and american).
they're just lovely. baffles me really.

proud-but-not-so-out firewomyn:
hahaha. really?
*that's all i did in the segment of that conversation:
laugh and act surprised*


hmm... if i had been out, conversation would have been like this:
:

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
it is so hard to find good men in the phils, i may end up being dyke soon!

proud-and-out firewomyn:
oh darling! you wouldn't pass up as one! probably femme ;)

well-travelled american IT professional:
(after staying for almost a yr in the phils to work)

if i stay longer in the phils, i think i'm gonna 'switch'.
there's just no good filipino men here. even the americans who go here only go here for the sex tourism.

proud-and-out firewomyn:
well, it is not as if you can just switch to it for lack of choices.
but then you're very adventurous, so you might have fun with it.
i know i am! :)

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
that's so true.
whenever i'm in the US, i meet so nice men (both pinoy and american).
they're just lovely. baffles me really.

proud-and-out firewomyn:
you tell me abt it! i dunno with pinoys here.
is it too much tropical heat that got into their heads or lack of iodized salt when they were young. i'm just so blessed 'cause i meet loads of interesting pinays. too much that couplehood is not the way to go here ;) wehehe.

all:
roarin laughter!

proud-and-out firewomyn:
grrls, seriously, if ur up for the switch thing, i can hook you up with some of my friends :)
*wink wink*


------
swell! ohwell, there goes vodka, swimmin in my head.

reconnecting

I miss my friends.
They've vanished same time my o2 mini's contacts got reset.
How does one reconnect?
After not hearing or seeing someone whom you've been close to before, how do you re-close to them?
Starting is always the biggest step.

It can be as awkward as, hey, how have you been doing (after i just forgot about you bec i got too busy)? Then there's a pregnant pause at the other end of the line. And you both stumble and fumble with the words.

Or it can be as honest as, i missed you. I got caught in this ungrateful thing called work, and i have not been there for you. I'm sorry (best if coupled with a hug, no tears pls, overkill!), coffee? :)

You can also try being brutally honest. But expect to be punched and kicked in the process.
Hi! (chirpy sound) You know what, i suddenly found myself with some free time (with no one to go out with) Would you believe that?! (nervous laugh). Wanna hang out? movie or something? (if you're desperate) My treat! :)


***just did this during the last 15min of my lunch break. So will hopefully continue this on my next free whatever. ***

past posts

i temporarily lost my mind for a month.
a lot of thoughts racing in my head, some luckily got recorded in my O2,
others were as fleeting as rainbows, so those bunch probably went to nowhereland. bleh!
while amazingly some tough thoughts managed to survive through my troubled brain cells' chasms. atleast bits and pieces of 'em. i hope they still make sense :D

ROCO'S FUNERAL
yep, i attended this one. i've been meaning to go see him the moment i heard of the news. then one sunday, all dressed up to meet a friend for some 'umaatikabong tsikahan and landian', my mom out of nowhere said, are you attending roco's funeral? (truly unexpected. she does this once in a while, surprising me beyond my wits that just makes me pause and utter inside, geez! really haven't figured her out after all these yrs living w/ her). dang! i totally forgot! :( it was his last day in manila then he'll be moved to bicol. since i'm already wearing black racerback sando and black sneakers w/ cutoff jeans and long beaded necklace -- nah, this will do :)

the church was full of mourners, eulogies were being read.
the night was heartwarming despite the evening chill from typhoon gorio.
saw familiar faces from media, politics, UP, film. i must tell you that i don't go to churches (last time was when gf tagged me along), much more funerals i don't even attend relatives'!). but this one, i surprised myself for even going.

ok, what did i learn attending that funeral?
for one, conrado de quiros of phil daily inquirer is a good writer indeed but a poor speaker. atleast we got a sneak of his article the next day :D

a great eulogy read was that of his campaign manager, yoly ong. twas witty! :)
if she had been atleast 5yrs younger i'd probably go after her :D hehehe.

southborder was there for the music. though didn't hear them sing.

roco is my president, my townmate, out of clan's geographic roots. i believed in him and his vision. looking at him inside the casket. he looks so fatherly :) i think i'd have no issue hugging him then. so i did the next best thing, i hugged his wife :) and thanked her for his hubby who made me believe and hope :) -august 9, 2005.


... TO BE CONTINUED ...

gusto kong yumaman!

nakakapagod nang maging mahirap. gusto ko nang yumaman. ang mga pangarap ko (na naglalaro sa isip ko) ay parang abot-kaay pero napakahirap makamit.

last year pa ko naglalaway sa portable dvd player. sa july 11 edition ng newsweek, on 'The TipSheet' section, they featured these players. 4/5 stars ang Govideo DP8240 ng CompUSA.com, pegged at $250. pde na! :)
sa sm, may appliances exhibit, shempre, parang nananadya talaga, may mga portable dvd players uli. pero puro AudioVox ang brand. 3 stars lang sha sa newsweek at tumataginting na $450 lang naman sha sa Target.com! olats!

my next burning desire is to own a laptop. may work, entertainment, social and image enhancement value sha! kung pde pa sana itong magdispense ng milo drink, self-contained na sha. panalo! :) pde ko nang i-isolate ang sarili ko at mabubuhay na ko.. wehehe :)

my gf recently sent me an email abt think pad loans from her barkada's company. tulo laway na naman ako. at dahil barkada to ng gf kong iniirog, nde dapat ako pumalpak sa paghulog. merong 6mos, 1yr, 2yrs to pay. pano if by some unfortunate event (na sana wag naman mangyari po pls!) ay nde na kme nun ng gf ko, pano na ang hulugan system?! dyahe! hmm... too risky, i won't bite this one.

pano ba nagsimula ang obsession ko sa laptop at sa kung anu-anong gadgets? ok, aamininin ko na, nagsimula ito sa inggit.

inggetera ako sa personal. hehehe :) ganyan talaga pag lumaking deprived, namamagnify ng societal bandwagon & trends (within the social circle you belong to) ang kakulangan sa buhay ko. na sa tulong ng edukasyong mulat, nagagatungan pa ng isang mabigat na tanong, 'saan ba nagkamali, at bakit kme financially challenged?' *ok, ok, 2 tanong yun.*

for the longest time, sinisisi ko ang magulang ko kung bakit kme mahirap, at siguro, sinisisi rin nila ang magulang nila. hayy... one generation of vicious cycle.

medyo may kaya sa lipunan ang pamilya ng nanay ko sa probinsya. mataas ang ranggo ng lolo ko sa militar. panahon ng giyera sa hapon, naambush ang tropa ng lolo ko. nabiyuda ang lola ko na may 3 babaeng anak. lumuwas ng maynila (sanggol pa lang ang nanay ko noon) para sumugal sa kapalaran at layasan ang marahas na alaala.

astig naman si lola, kasi nakaya nyang buhayin sila nanay. take note, iba ang 'buhayin' sa 'quality living'. i can't blame lola, panahon ng digmaan, manatiling humihinga pa lang ay pang-araw-araw na pakikipaglaban na.

ano ang nangyari sa 3 nyang anak?

nakakuha ng govt scholarship ang panganay (benepisyo mula sa pagiging anak ng militar na napatay on duty) at nagtapos ng commerce (education and commerce ang pangkaraniwang kurso noon, ngayon nursing, at nursing), nakapag-asawa ng medyo may uak at may itsura, though not necessarily mayaman. bagay naman sila, kasi si tita A ay kamukha ni susan roces (sana nag-artista na lang sya noon, patok pa sha!)

si tita B ay ndi nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo dahil umibig ng maaga at nakapag-asawa ng isang makisig at mayamang binata.

at ang nanay ko? bunsong anak, marikit na dalaga, nagtrabaho para makapagcollege, secretarial ang kurso. masyadong nalibang sa pagtatrabaho, at dahil kumikita na ng pera, huminto sa ikalawang taon nya. umibig sa binatang nagtapos ng elementary lamang, mahirap pero masipag, kamukha ng idolo nyang si victor wood at magaling magpatawa. at dahil masipag pareho, nagkaanak ng 6!

kasi palpak ang computation nila sa rhythm method. takot sa pills kasi bawal daw sabi ng simbahan, at ayaw magpa-ligate kasi may side effect daw. (hay... andaming excuses! lol!)

masipag at masikap ang mga magulang ko, pero sa opinyon ko, you'll need more than sipag to raise 6 kids! sa ganyang aspeto angat ang nanay ko. maabilidad sha. napromote na manager sa isang sikat na cosmetic company noon (opo, avon lady ang butihin kong nanay). ang tatay kong masipag, sa gitna ng tagumpay ng nanay ko ay nalulong sa kulto. (tama ang nabasa nyo, kulto, pero nde naman satanic cult, kundi, 'Ako'). sila ang nagpredict na magwawakas na ang mundo noong 80's. weird no?! (madami pang mas weird na nangyari, pero saka ko na kwento).

for the love of cult, iniwan nya ang pamilya nya. dahil nde naman nag-end of the world, nagmukmok sha sa isang kubo sa tagaytay. sa tulong ng tawas at seremonyas (pinakuluan ni nanay sa tubig ang huling damit na pinaghubaran ni tatay), nagbalik ang tatay. pero ofcourse, he's never the same again. (saka na ang madramang kwento tungkol dito, nde ko pa feel mag-emote).

dahil ok naman work ni nanay, naging complacent si tatay at nde na nagtrabaho. in short, naging tamad. si nanay ay eventually minalas at niloko ng ilang customers nya, dahilan para sha mabankrupt at makasuhan.

sa gitna ng magulong panahong ito (my own little war), masasabi ko namang swerte ako.

biniyayaan ako ni lord ng kaunting utak at feisty spirit. scholar from elem to college. nagtrabaho sa IT from the start at progressive naman ang career path. kung ano naman nangyari sa mga kapatid ko, iba pang kwento yun.

as i wrote this and reflect my family's history, these struck me:

a. nde enough na masipag ka or may utak ka or mayaman pamilya mo para magsuceed/yumaman.

b. nde rin excuse na you came from a financially struggling family not to succeed or make it big.

c. and nde masama ang mainggit. and maghangad.

i think ang magandang formula to succeed is:

utak + sipag + (motivation + goal) + swerte

utak, kasi there are many pathways to the big S, but you must strategize for the best way to achieve it. the S3 project; strategize da solution to succes.

sipag, kasi one way or the other, you have to sweat it out. energy or idea is useless until it it put into action. sa physics ko natutunan to. :)

motivation. napanood ko na to sa isang tv commercial, 'what drives you?'. pag naidentify mo na ang strongest motivation mo to a certtain goal, this will jumpstart and propel the sipag to keep on moving. sipag - (motivation + goal) is wasted effort because it is aimless.

swerte to me is inviting good karma or positive energy into your life.
i don't see swerte as something passive and you leave up for the gods to bestow on mortals. swerte is opening your life (heart, eyes, pores, mind, soul) to the goodness of life itself. swerte is not the type w/c is through the luck charmers (like a toad w/ a coin in its mouth, a figurine cat waving its paw, etc.), but more on willing the things to happen positively, through reinforcement. goodness begets goodness. as simple as smiling often, being thankful and positive thinking, i think those are sure swerte-drawer. :)

WARNING: formula not yet tested on animals, much more on humans!

but i'll be my own guinea pig on this one. afterall it's my life ;)

on utol, tropa & kwentong bebot

*title pa lang tunog pangkanto na ah! hehe. tagay nga ng gin jan! :D*

*patalastas muna*
isang maligayang bati sa utol kong tinamaan ng magaling!
*shempre mana ko dun! ;) *

kampay para sa babaeng masarap!
masara magluto
masarap magmahal
masarap kausap
masarap sumbungan
at sabi nya, masarap din tikman! bwehehe.

***************************
ok, back to original programming...

nde madami ang kaibigan ko.
nde dahil suplada ako ha (mejo maangas lng ang dating).
nde ko rin alam. basta nde ako chikadora lalo kung nde interestng kausap. and i can't fake attention (unless work related).
ang alam ko, pag nde kita gusto, nde ko kayang magbait-baitan or magpatweetums.
so pag naging magkaibigan tayo, totoo yun.
malalim. walang iwanan, unless binadtrip mo ko :D

mas madami pa kong barkadang lalaki (straight) kesa sa babae.
kahit nga may mga asawa na sila e. pro click pa rin kme. ung iba nga asa kung saang lulpalop na ng mundo. nung pinagtapat ko sa kanila na ako'y naggi-gf, nagulat sila,
pero nde nila ito kinwestyon (nde dahil parang lalaki ang trato nila sa kin pero dahil consistent lng daw un sa pagiging liberated ko on certain things.
waaaah! miss ko na barkada ko! :( sniff! sniff!
pag may pagkakataon, like asa pinas sila or asa manila or online sila, umaatikabong catching up ito. merong isang beses, na sa airport na lang kme nagkita, kasi kakabalik ko lang galing davao, habang sha naman ay pabalik naman sa malaysia.
ung isa naman, lumuwas manila from la union, then ako kakadating ko lang mla from subic. ganung tipo ang tropa ko.

merong isang insidente dati na kasama ko tropa ko, and kasama isang babaeng kakilala from college na tingin ko kinakarir ung isa kong barkada (kaso in da end ako ang niligawan). sbi nya, bat ko daw ba binabarkada mga lalaki, pano daw kme magkakadevelopan *sumthin to that effect*
pagkarining ko nun, nde ko alam kung babambuhin ko pagmumukha nyang nde kagandahan or pagtatawanan ko sha sabay duduraan. pare! utak uod! kainis! *parang nde hinubog sa UP, darn!*
so un pala ang goal nya when befriending guys?! para karirin?
siguro kaya nde ako tsika sa maraming babae, kc nde ko sila masakyan.
ung kaartehan (nung iba), ung tweetums attitude at superficial mentality.
naku! andaming ganyang nagkalat sa makati! ang sarap banlawan ng tubig na may clorox para maliwanagan. infairness, madami din namang ok at astig, kaso mas madami ang badtrip.

masakit na mata ko sa antok, i leave you all with a kickass song from a kickass girl, gwen stefani




"Just A Girl"

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!

pasaway

may pasaway na rally.
kaya may pasaway na noypi.

kung ndi lang ako nakaputi,
sumampa rin ako ng alang paki.

dedma na kung mahuli.
e sa ako'y nagmamadali!

isa na lang ang masasabi.
pag bawal lalong sumisigi.

kasi makulit ang lahi!
pano, pinoy kasi!

:p

shot glass

3 glasses of water for 2.

was having dinner w/ my gf.
ordered food and water.
i specifically said w/o ice.
then came 2 glasses w/ ice.
i retold my instructions.
got it right the second time.
food came ages after.
amused myself w/ this shot from my phone.

buntis ka ba?

i have always been slim since as far back as i can remember.
but recently, with lack of exercise and all techie work (sitting and pounding on the keyboards, hours of meetings sitting down) and a stimulated appetite influenced by my gf, i've grown fats.

yes, fats, as in flabs, centered on the tummy.
actually, i don't mind. my only concern is i tire easily. the farthest i walk (w/c can pass up as workout to me) is from one end of my ofc to the other.

ok, so i have some tummy flabs, no big deal to me. i've always wanted to be fuller in a way.
so while i'm celebrating my newfound fats, i didn't realize my mom's going berserk abt it!

monday:
mom: nagkakapuson ka na saka bilbil.
me: ainako! wala na kasi exercise.

tuesday:
mom: lumalaki yata tyan mo, saka puwet mo. hmmm ... baka buntis ka ha?
me: nyeh! lagi lang kasi ako nakaupo at nagcocomputer. sus!

wednesday:
mom: ang lakas mo na kumain ... tumatakaw ka ...
me: shempre, pagod e. pagkain na lang ang panlaban ko.

thursday:
mom: ang sikip na ng pantalon mo sau. baka may laman na yang tyan mo...
me: ma, kung gusto nyo magpacheckup tayo para matahimik na kau. pro kau magbayad ha, kasi kau naman tong nagdududa.

friday (at da mall):
sis: sabi ni mama, lumalaki daw tyan mo, baka buntis ka daw ... *hesitant, takot kasi sa kin to kasi mas matanda ako*
me: ainako, isa ka pa! masama ba tumaba? nakakainis naman sa bahay.

saturday:
*nagutom ako, kaya nagmidnight milo ako ska wheat bread.*

mom: gabi na, kakain ka pa. bakit anlakas mo na kumain?
me: *pissed* e kasi buntis ako. *nguya ng tinapay*
mom: sabi ko na nga ba! tapos ayaw mo pa aminin! *hysterics*
me: *wtf?!* nyeh! as in naniwala naman kayo?! sinabi ko lang yun kasi isang linggo nyo na kong sinasabihan tungkol sa buntis na yan. sabi nang nde, ayaw maniwala.
mom: araw-araw ba?
me: o cge, every other day.
*singit si sis*
sis: oo ma, lagi nyo na lang sya sinisita.
mom: *nde aamin shempre, biglang magkaka-amnesia* pAra tinatanong lang, masama na ba magtanong?
me: pero nde naman kayo naniniwala kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na nde. pero isang beses ko lang sinabi na oo, as a joke, naniwala naman agad kayo. what do you mean by that?
mom: wala. *tahimik na.*
me: *i rest my case, akyat na ng kwarto to text gf para mgsumbong*

... the next day, 4am...
my sister woke me up, mom was having hypertension attack. but the catch is, my mom specifically said to my sister that she wants me to be the one to bring her to the ER.

shempre, badtrip pa kaya ako nun, pero bilang butihing tomgrrl na anak, sinamahan ko sya. pro nde ako umiimik sa buong byahe.

timing naman sa ER, may nadead na lalaki so while i was waiting, mega atungal ang kanyang mga kaanak. hay sadness na creepy ng slight.

so after waiting for 2 hrs, da doc talked to me.

doc: i don't see anything wrong w/ your mom. ecg is normal, she seems ok, but her highblood pressure is still high. i think something is bothering her. she's havin' an anxiety attack.
me: ugh!

sheesh! neat huh? so how can i even argue with her abt anything? when i can always be defeated by her mom superiority and psychosomatic anxiety attacks?
if only circumstances were normal our conversation would simply be like:

monday:
mom: nagkakapuson ka na saka bilbil.
me: ainako! wala na kasi exercise.

tuesday:

mom: lumalaki yata tyan mo, saka puwet mo. hmmm ... baka buntis ka ha?
me: nyeh! pano naman ako mabubuntis ng gf ko? sus! kain na lang tayo. :D

surprise! surprise!

my gf recently had her bday.
since i can't think of any gift to give her and she surprised me with a bouquet of flowers on my bday, i wanted to do the same, but not flowers.
**i don't know what it is with butches and flowers, they just don't mix! ;)

pressed for time, what i did is order yellow cab pizza to her ofc.
being a good gf as i am, i have no idea what floor she is in! i had to check the net then make phone calls abt it.

i collaborated with our admin people on how to go abt this, bec the plan is that they deliver the pizzas in my ofc first so i can pay for them, then they deliver it to her ofc.

i think it was pretty straight forward.
i went with my usual stuff. after hrs, i noticed that it's past 4pm already and their ofc ends 5pm! *panic mode!* whatever happened to the pizza?!

i called our admin officer abt it and she forgot abt it. we called yellow cab, and guess what -- they delivered it already!
wherethehell did they send it to, bec i sure hell didn't receive nor pay for anything yet!

as if on cue, my gf sent me a text msg, asking for the surname of our admin officer.
*you guessed it right!*
to my horror, it was delivered straight to their ofc!

omg! i'm having a heart attack!

i need not ask, she paid for the pizza i was to surprise her with!
i didn't have the guts to reply to her text.
instead, i called yellow cab and barked at them for their major screw up!
**i have to blame somebody, anybody! to make me feel less of a fool**
can't people follow simple instructions?!
i was furious! and soo embarrassed at the same time.
there's too many emotions in me but my voice is just one high pitch althroughout.
as a consolation, they sent me a free pizza.
syet! after naming magsigawan?! feeling ko may lason sya, so sa team ko sya pinakain. :D
**as of this writing, buhay pa naman sila.**

anyway, pagod na ko. sa galit and frustrations. so to cut the awful story short,
me and my gf had a field day laughing at my mistake :
and i of course can't help but be uber pissed abt the whole thing.
in between being pikon and laughing, I can't help but think how nuts i am with this gf of mine ;)

what's good abt messing up is you can make it up next time :
i personally like any phrase coined with "make".
kiss and make up, make do, make magic, and shempre, make love :p
ito ang tunay na hapi na, birthday pa! solbs! ;)

3 poems for da womyn in my mind

Haze
by Fran Ng (2003)

we collide on purpose
not our own
leaping
into orange.

then i am red
and you are yellow
circling
a solitary fever.

we make
rings of fire
in dim spaces
stroking time

where i am red
and you are yellow
and when we meet
we set ourselves on fire.

Hunger

by bino a. realuyo (2003)

this poem must be written now, on this hour,
this one sitting, the sudden rush of thought -- of you.

you again: my charcoal drawings in the air,
dance of limbs, not seen but smelled,

images forming from a verge of thought --
a scent of another sunday full of longing for food.

to eat breakfast, alone, and to know that i
have cooked for you once: eggs, pancakes, honey,

that i have eaten not only what i made but
also you; you, tasting better each time i swallowed.

your taste, a disappearing act, the fear of knowing
that you will be yesterday's dish, a name in a book

of the forgotten, the silent partner that ate off my plate,
the one who watched me cook, naked in hunger.

live poem

by anna bernaldo (2003)

"love is always a choice," my mother always says,
but this time her spatula did not point
pragmatically in my direction.
it stirred silence on the boiling broth,
ripples matching the excited rhythm
of the tv sports abchor's voice
in a basketball game my father is watching.

now that i'm older, i'm forced to reconsider
you and my fixation on the addams couple
as our role models forever.
one always hungry for the other.

i never listened to my mother,
but everyday i see her.
and i'm older and love must be domestic,
responsible, sensible as a haircut in summer.

is it possible for us to make something more
out of what we are about to have?
of course, you do not know.
even i do not know.
why did i even begin asking questions?

i just wanted to write you a love poem
but i can only live one for you.